With a punch from Donkey Kong, yet another game was set.

I sighed. I’m not sure how to describe the exact feelings I had at this point in time.

“Good game, dude.” Adrian said. 

I nodded, “Thanks.”

Maybe it was because we’d been playing all day, but I actually felt myself fight a bit better these last few matches. 

It had been a wild semester. I’d uncovered things about my identity before winter break, and started on blockers after the new year. It had been months of holding in and mulling over the things I knew about myself. Pushing away any doubts, trying to explain things to Mom and Dad, and trying not to feel like death every time I remembered what I looked like, and that I was still a guy to everyone that knew me. All while finishing middle school.

And of course, all while not telling a single other soul about what I was going through.

My hangouts with Adrian had become slightly less frequent, though I wasn’t sure if he noticed. We made use of the time we did have together, but sometimes I just… felt like I needed space.

I guess that meant we were growing a tiny bit distant. That thought made me sad.

Still, we had the idea to do something special after wrapping up the milestone that was middle school and the 8th grade. With graduation now long past and school being nothing to worry about in the foreseeable future, we were going to spend the full day together. We’d be at his place all day, playing Smash, Mario Kart, some of Berseria’s postgame, or whatever else that came to mind. Adrian’s gaming library still had a few things we’d play on and off again.

I suppose today was also another milestone, in that it was my first day on estrogen. 

After the incident with Dad, Mom and I decided that I could start transitioning. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. It took a few weeks to get that appointment, but like with the blockers, all that was needed was informed parental consent. 

The divorce also resulted in a small bonus. I had already brought up the idea of changing schools, but Mom was now on the hunt for a new place for us to stay too. Not to mention, we've already gone on two shopping trips trying to find something for my wardrobe that helped make me look more androgynous or feminine, although we didn't find much. One step at a time. Though I wanted to try looking into makeup and skincare and stuff too, pretty soon. As it stood, I might actually have the best circumstances a trans teenager could ask for. I'm pretty sure I still looked young enough to get away with it, I didn't have too many masculine tells, and there was plenty I could try and practice with before the semester started. If the summer went well, I might start high school this fall blending in as just another awkward teenage girl. 

All it needed was… for my family to get smaller, and for me to create a fresh slate.

I still hadn’t told Adrian any of this. Even the part about me moving or going to school somewhere else. I mean, how would I? I’d have to get into the fact that this was something that I suggested myself, that I didn’t want to be around people that might recognize or remember me from x class or y project in middle school.

…I’d have to explain that it meant I’d kinda be leaving him.

I mean, it was fine, right? Again, we’d already been growing a bit distant. Maybe we could keep in touch, but… He’d already previously made a comment on the hair that I now let grow to my neck. Surely he’d notice the boobs I’d eventually sprout, the smoother skin, and any other effects of the medicine… How would he react if I showed up to his place one day after getting my eyebrows waxed?

So even if we were having fun. Even if we were playing games, having snacks, talking about whatever and cracking the usual jokes and sarcastic remarks, there was this melancholic feeling within me.

I’ve heard people say that you never actually know when you’re going to be seeing someone for the last time. I’m not sure that saying applied to me, at least right now. I don’t think I’d even fully decided it yet, but I just knew that this was probably it…

I mean, what better send-off?

“Come on, another game.” I said.

“Yeah, yeah…” Adrian mused. “Though you’re on a pretty mean losing streak. You sure you don’t wanna switch to something else?”

“No.” I flatly responded. “Let’s do a couple more.”

It was the evening already. We’d ordered and eaten pizza hours ago now, and somehow we’d landed right back to our usual favorite fighting game. If today had to end, it’d be with Smash.

Our next match ended with Adrian’s victory. My friend sighed.

Even still, “One more.” I said, expression unmoved.

He won again.

“One more.”

I didn’t want this day to end. 

“One more.”

I felt so… torn.

"One more."

I didn’t want to be a boy anymore. I didn’t want to be the boy I saw whenever the screen momentarily faded to black. I didn’t want to be the boy that I knew Adrian saw.

"One more."

But I still wanted to be here.

I wanted to keep sitting here, mindlessly playing the same game over and over again, expecting nothing to change. I wanted to stay on this couch with my friend forever.

"One more."

What did you call it when you so desperately wanted to stay, but felt like you needed to let go at the same time?

After the end of yet another match, I found myself leaning my head back on the couch and sighing.

Adrian yawned, “Man, what time is it?”

“...11:30 PM.” I answered without glancing at the clock on the wall nearby. I’d already been paying attention to the time, anxiously awaiting the day’s end. 

“Guess that means we should finally call it quits.” He said. “Your folks might get worried about you soon.”

I gazed back down at my controller. “...Yeah, you’re probably right.”

He looked at me for a few seconds, silently. “...How about one more game though? One final match to end it all.”

I glanced back up at him, before cracking a smile, “Yeah, sure.”

We both immediately picked our two best characters. Lucina and Robin. This one was for all the marbles.

I decided I’d give this one my all. I also figured that… maybe if I win, that I should reconsider.

So many doubts and thoughts still swimming through my mind, I decided to put it all on this last game.

If I win, I’ll tell him, and the day could go on for just a bit longer as we talked. If I lose, then that’s it. The long day would finally end.

…

Adrian clicked his tongue, “Damn, that was a close one, I’ll give you that. Prolly the closest my Robin’s gotten to losing against you.”

“...” I didn’t say anything.

He turned to look at me, “So, we calling it quits?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m tired.”

“True, same honestly.”

I stood up to pack my 3ds in, before heading towards the door.

“Hold on, lemme get the door for you.”

“No it’s alright, I can-”

Somehow, as we both move, he bumped into me, and we both fell over to the ground.

Our eyes met. I’m on my back. He’s on top, lifting himself up with his hands.

Our faces are just a couple of inches apart. I can almost feel his breath, and his glasses are close to falling off.

Adrian quickly stood back up, brushing himself off. “S-Sorry about that, c’mon I’ll…” He went off towards the door.

I then proceeded to stand up myself. That felt so awkward, I was glad my friend seemed to be just as willing to brush that off as I did. We didn't need to talk about how weird that felt, why I felt like a part of me was dying from embarrassment allowing myself to be that close to him.

He opened the door, and I walked through.

I turned back to look at him.

“Well, guess this is it. Had a fun day.” He said.

“...Yeah, same here.” I responded.

The doorway between us felt like it represented an entire mile. A distance I was never meant to cross. Like the couch we’d spent the last couple of years sitting on, or that awkward moment earlier…

If I dared cross it, everything would change. There would be no going back. Nothing would ever be the same.

"I..." I suddenly let out. A part of me wanted to choke the words out, pour everything out.

He looked at me curiously with an arched eyebrow.

"...I'll see you later." I finished.

Adrian smiled, almost bittersweetly. “Yeah, I'll catch ya later."

I forced my own smile, and nodded.

The door shut.

...Even so, I couldn't bring myself to walk away. I just looked back at what was now closed.

For a moment, I reached my hand to almost touch the door. But then I retracted it.

I turned around.

And then I was gone.

 

---

 

“...It doesn’t look too bad.” I concluded, holding my phone’s camera up against my face.

“Penny, that’s definitely a bruise on your cheek.” Adrian pointed out to me.

“Yeah, and it’s not that bad!” I put the phone down. “I dunno, some people might ask, but I can cover it up with some makeup. I’m fine.”

Adrian didn’t seem too convinced, judging by his expression.

I still wasn’t fully sure what came over me in that moment, but I had definitely escalated things with that move. The girl’s phone had dropped to the ground, and without even checking to see if the screen had cracked, she was mad enough that she'd started hitting back. It had taken a couple of minutes until security showed up to find two girls hitting and clawing at each other, and promptly escorted both of us out into the rain.

Long story short, I wouldn’t be attending Phancon again anytime soon. Anytime forever, for that matter. But overall? Still a pretty fun experience for my first time at a convention.

Adrian ended up following me out, and stuck with me as we found a bus stop to hide from the rain, as well as sit down and assess the damages.

He sighed, “I hope no one recorded that.”

“Oh, it’s fiiiine.” I shrugged him off. “I’m sure people fight at cons all the time!”

He looked at me doubtfully.

My expression shifted to a frown. “...Look, I was trying to stand up for you. Were you just gonna take that?”

“I would not have punched her and started a fight.” He explained.

I huffed. Whatever, maybe I went a bit overboard, but I was still satisfied with how things ended up. I’m pretty sure I stopped her recording along the way. Or at least, I made it not worth posting or sending to her friends.

Speaking of which, my phone buzzed.

I checked to see what it was, a text message.

From Lana! Shit, I’d completely forgotten about her!

Hey, I told her.
Things went
well.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I mean, I guess that was a bit unexpected, but that’s good to hear. Those talks I had with them might have helped. I was proud of her. I sent a thumbs up in response, and replied telling her that something had come up and that I had to leave, but was happy to hear more sometime.

It was good that the two might have resolved things, and that they'd hopefully both be in a better place now. Lana still had a long journey ahead of her, but this was a big step in its own right. I looked back at Adrian, who had picked up his own phone in turn and started tapping away at something. One trans girl had come out to her friend today, yet here I was, sitting next to my own friend, whom I'd made a point would never know. I already learned today that Lexie might be receptive to Lana's secret, already worrying about her. But what about Adrian? What was he thinking right now? About me, I mean. Hell, what was he thinking back *then*? I found myself asking that question again. Had he ever worried like that? Was his perspective anything like Lexie's? Maybe I-

His eye suddenly perked up, catching my gaze. I realized I'd been staring, so I tried to look away. "Sorry, you uh, what were you typing?"

Adrian sighed, putting it back down into his pocket. “I was telling the others we got kicked out and banned. That they shouldn’t bother finding us.”

“Huh? Wait-!" I responded in confused shock. “You don't need to tell them that! Besides, I’m the one who started a fight and had to leave! You can still go back in there!”

He furrowed his brows and shot me a look. “I’m not gonna leave you out here alone, after you got kicked out for getting involved in *my* business.”

I looked down, ashamed. I guess that was true.

He then sighed again. “She always found some way to get back at me if I tried to fight back, hope she doesn’t try that with you.”

I shrugged, looking off to the side. “It’s okay. She barely knows who I am. I’m just some random girl in a Lucina cosplay.”

He nodded, “Yeah, I guess…”

I finally took my wig off. It had almost come off during the fight, but otherwise I hadn’t actually even bothered thinking about it until now. God, I felt sweaty up there. One downside of dressing up like this. The wig definitely looked messy too after the fight, I’d have to look up how to brush and take care of the thing when I got home.

“...Are you sure you’re alright?” Adrian asked again. “This thing doesn’t just happen.”

“But it did.” I answered. “Look, again, were you expecting to just take that? I… I had to do something! I don’t wanna sit around and watch someone try to hurt you like that!” I furrowed my brows, thinking back to how I felt in that moment. "I was... so mad! I didn't even know what came over me, I just knew what I wanted to do...!"

He thought for a moment, then hunched forward and sighed. “...I don’t know why I’d expect anything else. This sounds like something you’d do.” 

I tilted my head, “You mean help you out?”

“No, I mean…” He paused. “Like literally fight back. By punching someone.”

I leaned back, aghast. “I am not that trigger happy! Didn’t you say you did that too?”

Adrian looked at me judgmentally. “You are. You definitely are." He then shrugged. "And yeah, sure I fought back, but not literally. Most I ever did was… shove her. Or one of her friends. Even then only if they were already ganging up on me for some reason.”

I nodded, thinking more. That made sense, it sounded like a more common reaction. 

Continuing, he frowned. “...And hell, the one time it actually went that far, *I* was the one who got punched. She convinced her boyfriend to do it. Went home with a black eye.”

“...” I looked back at him, my expression growing concerned. 

His head leaned downwards, “And let me tell ya, I was *not* ready to explain to Dad what had been going on at school. Never told him anything about any of it before that, I knew how much of a fuss it would make. He got really worried when he found out, I'd never seen him like that before…”

Adrian's gaze remained fixed. “He... He actually had a heart attack at work, the next day.”

My eyes grew wide. “Oh my god.”

“He’s still kicking.” He continued. “He just… had to rest at home for awhile. They said he shouldn’t work for a month or two.”

“...” I thought to myself, connecting some dots. “...Your job.”

Adrian briefly nodded in response. “He had savings to keep us going in the meanwhile, but it was meant for college, so… Kinda had to help save some money back up again.”

“...” I’m not even sure what to say, all I could do was put a hand on his back. “...I’m so sorry.”

He didn't physically react. “Nah, you didn’t do any of that. It’s other people’s fault.”

…But I felt like that wasn’t true. It *was* partially my fault, wasn't it? If I had been there, if I had stuck around and not left him behind when I transitioned…

I could have stood up for him during those times. I could have helped him, maybe prevented that black eye…

“I… I still wish I could have been there somehow, at least…” I admitted. I didn’t want to say anything else, but I truly meant it.

“...If it makes you feel any better, it’s *because* of that that I got out. Dad didn’t hesitate, he wanted me transfering somewhere else so I wouldn’t be dealing with that anymore. Just had to finish the semester and I was free.”

“Why didn’t you ever bother telling him before?” I asked.

He grimaced, looking back at me. “You think he wants to know his son’s life sucks? He already does way too fucking much for me, he shouldn’t have to worry… I mean, you heard what happened when he found out.” His expression felt ashamed as he turned his head back down.

"He probably just cares about you." I told him, thinking about the right words. "Why wouldn't he want to see you happy? You're important to him."

Adrian stayed silent for a few moments. A part of me wondered if he was thinking about that, or if he was even listening at all.

“...Sometimes I just wonder what the point of it all is.” He continued, speaking almost absentmindedly. "Like why am I even saving up money for college or whatever? Be real. As if things are going to work out like that for a guy like me.”

“...” I looked at him.

“You saw what happened. I let a stuck-up girl like that bully me my whole life, and I’m barely able to do fuck-all about it.”

“...That’s not true,” I tried to tell him. “She’s not in your life anymore, you have other people now. You’re… moving past it.”

“Yeah, but look at what happens the moment she comes back.” He looked back at me, a hint of fear in his eyes. “I might as well have been paralyzed, I couldn’t…!”

He shifted his gaze back down. “What do you think is gonna happen when I meet someone like that again? I won’t be any better, I’m still just a useless coward…”

“...”

I saw him tightening his fist in frustration. “It's just like she said. I’ll always be the same coward, a pussy, a loser. Nothing actually changes.” He paused. “And what sucks most of all, even now, I just feel like I’m forcing you to get involved in my shitty life. And Dad too. You shouldn't have to butt into my mess. There’s nothing even there except for a pathetic nerd who can’t stand up for himself.”

“That’s not true…”

“It is.” He replied, a quiet air coming over us, only punctured by the drops of rain falling to the ground nearby. The silence felt almost fragile, before Adrian finally spoke again. “...You know what's the sickest part about video games? It lets you be someone else. For once. I don’t have to be dumb old Adrian anymore, I can be…” He paused, thinking to himself. 

He turned his head upwards, looking up at the sky and clouds from whence the raindrops came. “A hero on a quest to defeat demons, a tactician that controls a battlefield at his whims, a big tough guy who can kick anyone's ass, even a goddamn superhero." He cracked the tiniest of smiles. "A hedgehog running at the speed of light, a spy or secret agent on some deadly mission, the silent rpg protagonist who gets all the babes and all the glory. Fuck it, even something as stupid as a robot or alien shooting laser beams. All without a care in the world.”

Adrian sighed. “It’s like… A part of me keeps asking myself why I should even think and worry about things like college, a future or whatever. I have other worlds I can run away to, where at least things feel like they aren't garbage.” He paused. “Because whenever I shut the game off, I’m back to being me again. The coward with his pathetic little life.”

Even as he looked away, my gaze was fixed on him. “...But you’re so much more than that.”

“...”

“You’re… smart, you’re cool, you’re nice.” I began. “You’re sarcastic, but in this way where it feels witty. You’re considerate of others, like you have this way of just… understanding what people are feeling.” I chuckled to myself, “Heck, sometimes it feels like you worry way too much. If you ask me, you're more interesting than some video game hero.”

"Besides, I get what you mean." I continued. "Sometimes, it's nice to just take a break from life. I like making my character in Animal Crossing dress up a lot. And sometimes I just want to feel powerful and mow down soldiers or whatever, when I feel frustrated with things." That's right, whether it's the dysphoria of the past, or the anxieties of my present, I understood what he meant by wanting to be someone else for a while. "It's tough just trying to exist sometimes, it feels relaxing to let go of all that for a bit."

"Mmh," Adrian responded, eyes still blankly looking forward. "The life of a gamer."

"I guess you can call it that." I smiled. "I'm just trying to say it's okay to feel that way. I think everyone deals with those kinds of anxieties, and they have their ways to handle them."

He looked back at me. "What game did you say that was? Where you're mowing down soldiers?"

"Uhh that Fire Emblem spin-off," I answered. "Warriors, yeah."

Adrian nodded to himself. "Ah, right, never got around to that one. Heard middling things about it online."

I shrugged, "It's just a fun distraction for me, it does its job. I don't really care what random people online might think."

"Hm, I prefer getting second opinions, honestly."

“Right, but I dunno how much it matters when it's from people you don't even know. Come to think of it, isn't that kinda the takeaway for all of this?" I asked him. "Remember what I said a while back? Why even let yourself be defined by what people like that girl think or say about you? They’ll never get it,” I told him. “It's about the people who actually know you. I’m not the only one who sees you as you are, I’m sure the others think you’re cool too.” I shrugged. 

His expression seemed unsure.

"...I know that prolly sounds kinda corny. That's just what comes to mind, what I think about things..."

"Nah, you're good. You already said something similar back at the tournament." He tried to give off a light smirk, "I already know you're cheesy like that."

I let out a light giggle, "True. I do like cheese."

Adrian nodded to himself, "Though gotta admit, it is kinda funny coming from you, since you're the type who says she worries about her image a lot."

I shrugged, "Yeah, that's also true. I guess we both have our issues with that type of stuff."

He leaned his cheek on his knuckle, "You are kinda right though, if that says anything. It's a good way to put it. It's..." He looked away. "...Something I should try to think about more."

Maybe I should be thinking about it too, now that he'd pointed it out like that. I've been self-conscious about my image for ages, especially once I started presenting as a girl full-time. It's gotta be the dysphoria, on some level. But the way people look at and judge us... Just how much did their opinions matter to me if they weren't even from someone I cared about? When you got down to it, I'm not sure why it would make any difference unless it's someone like Irene, any of my other friends, or... well, or Adrian. Someone I actually liked or who mattered to me. The bonds that were more special.

"And hey, even if I worry about that kinda stuff," I continued. "I still try to open up a bit to the people I'm close with." Well, maybe I don't tell them everything, but still. "Like my friends at school. I'm sure they know me for more than just the surface level, after hanging out together for so long. In return, they have my back, and I have theirs."

"It... It is kinda nice." Adrian responded. "Not like I've known Nora and the others for long, but I already feel more welcome just talking to them, more than I've been in a long time. The fact they bothered inviting me to this thing speaks for itself."

I nodded. "Yeah. When... When people do these things for you. When a friend reaches out, when your dad worries, when..." I paused. "When someone wants to stand up for you, and does something stupid like punch someone." I momentarily chuckled to myself, still a bit ashamed of that act. "It's because they care. You're not worthless, Adrian. They... We... want to see you happy."

...For a moment, he just looked at me.

"What?" Was it something on my face?

"...Nothing, just..." He briefly glanced down. "It's like, 'and then there's you.' Seriously, the hell did I do for you to suddenly pop into my life?"

I blushed a tad, feeling embarrassed as I realized how awkward my words earlier had probably sounded. I really just said all of that to his face, didn't I? “O-Oh well, I guess it all started when we ended up sitting at the same table in biology…”

“No, I mean like…” He thought to himself, likely piecing his words together. He seemed a bit embarrassed himself after what he'd said. “The way you got involved, and how somehow we just… clicked. It feels easy to talk to you about stuff, even after such a short time. I don’t even know how, but it already feels like I’ve known you my whole life. Is that weird?”

A part of me almost panicked, because that sure was an oddly specific description of our relationship! “Umm, no, I don’t think so? I guess I kinda get what you mean though…” We had reconnected pretty fast, when he put it like that. "I... I feel close to you too." I felt embarrassed admitting that. A part of me did indeed wonder if this had somehow been due to our past friendship, but… it didn't feel quite the same. 

That was Adrian and him. This was Adrian and Penny. 

Before, we’d always sit on that couch together, more than a couple of feet apart. On the lunch table, there would always be at least one seat between us. An unspoken distance never meant to be crossed.

Right now, we sat together at a bus stop. Maybe it was because the seat we shared wasn’t that big, but this was physically closer than I ever remember being to him back when I was a boy.

Before we knew it, there was already an awkward silence between us, after that brief exchange that acknowledged our dynamic and bond. Adrian had straightened his back more, and suddenly we were looking directly at each other.

Into… his eyes.

Something about our proximity, the way we’d already taken down our emotional barriers earlier when talking about our feelings. I felt so close I could touch him, both physically and emotionally. It... It felt...

Like that just maybe, for at least this moment, I could let myself dream.

I kissed him.

I was the one to lean in, and immediately it was like a release that felt like it had been years in waiting. I was worried about what he’d think of this, feeling him almost jolt in shock. But he didn't pull away, and I soon felt his hand graze my back. He was… holding me. But not in a way where he was grabbing me tightly, but in a way where he just… let me be. Like his hand was only meant to appreciate my existence, rather than push, pull or mold me.

It was already different to how it felt with Bryce. This was more… quiet, tender.

All of my anxieties, everything I’ve worried about for the past month or so washed away. Right now, there was nothing about my life I would change. Nothing I would want to be different. Just for now, everything was perfect.

Just please, let me dream, for just this tiny little moment…

The kiss ended, though I didn't even know how long it had lasted. I wasn't even sure how to feel, what to make of anything, I felt almost light-headed. I couldn’t help but embarrassingly look down and brush a lock of hair aside.

“So, that was…” Adrian began. I think he was trying to hide it, but he had a grin on his face.

“Umm, yeah,” I replied. “I take it that you liked it?”

“Well, I mean…” Adrian scratched his forehead. “If you’re down…”

I chuckled, “I wouldn’t have kissed you if I wasn’t.”

“Right…” I could tell the boy was blushing. It's okay, I probably was too. He continued, “Sorry, I just… that’s never happened to me before.”

Oh, duh, that figured for someone like him. “It’s alright, no shame in that.”

Adrian awkwardly chuckled, but then started looking at me suspiciously. “...You totally looked in my notebook, didn’t you? Last week?” He suddenly asked. “I fucking knew it…”

I definitely grew a bit extra embarrassed at that. “Y-Yeah, sorry I didn’t mention that, I just… you know…”

He held a hand to his forehead. “...It’s fine, I guess. I should’ve known you’d be nosy like that. And you saw the...?" He stopped himself. "God, so you already knew…”

“That you might be into me?” I asked. “I mean… I kinda wondered…”

“You played at least a subtler game than me. Like, shit, I didn’t think it’d ever happen…” He hunched down, looking off to the side.

“Yeah, though I think Nora’s definitely been assuming things,” I commented.

Adrian nodded, “Yeah, scared the hell out of me when she told me I should invite you to the con. Thought I'd been more subtle.” He sighed, “Imagine working up the courage to do that, only for you to say no...”

I giggled, “That’s probably for the best. Come to think of it, you probably would have given yourself away even more if I'd gotten to see your reaction to me cosplaying Lucina."

He chuckled, “What does that mean?”

I looked at him, “Didn't you say you romanced her in your game or something? That she was a favourite?”

Adrian held his hand over his head again, leaning back and facing the street again as he smiled and let out a short snicker. “Oh god, now that you mention it, yeah that could’ve been awkward. When did I tell you that?”

I chuckled to myself, imagining his potential embarrassment.

 

But in an instant, I froze. My heart sank. When… When *did* he tell me that?

 

He chuckled briefly, not noticing my frozen expression. “No, but seriously, when *did* I tell you? Don’t feel like I remember…”

 

I almost felt dizzy facing the mistake I made. I grew pale. Just one slip. Just one. Why on earth did I say that? Was it because the kiss got me lightheaded? I felt myself go into a cold sweat. Everything was spinning, I felt like in one quick moment I’d just made the worst mistake of my life.

M-Maybe I could fix things. Maybe I could say I noticed him giving me looks earlier, because of the cosplay. Yeah he never said anything, I'd just figured it out from context! That's right, that's a good lie to patch over my mistake! But wait, no, would he even believe that? 

My mind continued to panic as I went through possibilities, but ultimately no words would come out. I remained paralyzed in fear.

Adrian’s smile faltered, his eyes glancing around as if in thought. “No really. Honestly, I think I only ever told a single person, back in-” He froze. I heard thunder in the distance.

I felt terrified. My heart hammered, worried as if the world itself around me would crumble. I couldn’t even say a word, all I could do was gaze at Adrian in terror, as he narrowed his eyes…

And turned his head to face me.

 

Our eyes met, I could see the dots connecting through his eyes, the slow recognition coming to him. I wondered if he could likewise see the utter fear in mine. If he understood the implications just by the paleness of my face alone. I could only continue to sit still and stare back as he looked at me with those eyes. 

Just please, for once in your god damn life don’t look at me with those eyes!

I was both sure and afraid of what was going through his head. I don't know what lie would even work at this point. All it took was the brief thought, and I’m sure the pieces were falling into place for him. The things I had told him about myself, that conversation on the stairwell, what games I played, my fighter choice in Smash and my affinity towards Lucina, that odd connection he just earlier admitted to feeling with me. Hell, he might finally start recognizing my face if he actually tried to see past the makeup and feminization.

His brows furrowed, and his expression portrayed a tragic confusion. His mouth opened, and in one single instance, everything I’d dreaded and feared was confirmed.

“...Matt…?”

Thunder struck. The world shattered. The ground itself from which I stood on had fallen and I was left feeling motionless. In that single moment, it felt like everything had vanished.

Hearing that name alone sent an uncomfortable chill up my spine. That single word, one that I hadn’t heard referred to me in years. One that I could never so much as imagine associating with any longer.

"I-I'm sorry, I might be imagining things. I mean, it'd be crazy, it-" He stopped himself, narrowing his eyes further as if to scrutinize my face. "Is… Is that actually you…?”

Everything had been stripped from me. The plastic had melted. I felt naked, bare. In one fell swoop everything had been taken from me and I was left fully exposed for all to see. There was nothing there anymore to conceal me, I was just... him.

“You can grow out your hair. You can take your pills or whatever else, try to fit in, but you’ll never be… normal.”

My breath was heavy, my head was light. I wasn’t sure what to do, if I could do anything at all. But before I could even think, my feet knew what to do.

I stood up and ran.

A hand grabbed my arm. “H-Hold on, where are you going?!”

The rain was already pouring onto me. I didn’t care, I was just trying to run away! I couldn't bring myself to look back at him. I wasn’t sure if I even had the will to speak, to utter words, but they finally managed to come out. “L-Let go of me!”

“I’m just trying to understand!” Adrian called back out in desperation as he tried to hold on and another thunder rang out somewhere nearby. “So is it actually you?! Why...?!”

The tears were already flowing, but I could only barely tell with the raindrops running through my face. “Please, I can’t…!” I cried out. I needed to run. I needed to run. Just get away from everything!

“Why didn't you say anything?! Is this where you've been?! Why-?!”

“LET GO OF ME!!!” I screamed at the ground as loud as I could, with all my remaining strength and might. I didn’t even look at him, but in a second, I felt his hand release me, and I was allowed to run.

My footsteps were all that echoed through the rain. I had to leave. I had to run! He couldn’t know! No one could know! I can’t be him again! Please, don't let me be him again!

I stopped to catch my breath, and for just a moment, I looked back.

There he stood in the distance, under the pouring rain. He was looking back at me. I could only barely make out his dejected face between the drops.

Why did this hurt so much? Why did this have to be so painful?

Why did this have to end? Why did I think I could be with him?! Why did I even allow myself to think I could ever dream?!

I'd dared to want what I could never have and now I've ruined everything! I was an idiot! A stupid fool who let her dumb feelings get to her head!

There was the faintest desire to go back to him, let him grant me an embrace, or another kiss. But I knew now that it was never meant to be.

And so I turned back around.

And then I was gone.