“Starting today, you are going to begin learning how to live on your own. We’ll start with the basics: cooking, cleaning, and finance management. Do you think you can handle that?”

Instead of answering my very easy question, Sasaki-san grabbed one of my braids to inspect it. “How did you make your braids so tight? Mine are all messy and poofy.”

“What kind of gyaru doesn’t know how to do their hair correctly? Do I need to teach you how to be annoying too? I’ll do it for you this once, so pay close attention.” It was the first day of instruction and she was already goofing off.

“Oh, sue me! I rarely ever do braids; I can do most other hairstyles!”

“Oh wow. What an interesting fact that I didn’t ask for. Shut up and stay still. The cooking club isn’t meeting today so we should take advantage of the school kitchens while we can.”

She snickered at my remarks. “Pfft, you’re such a dork.”

In retaliation for her impish insult, I pulled her hair extra hard before beginning the next braid. “I’m doing this for your sake, Sasaki-san. There are countless other things I would rather be doing, but here I am, wasting my time on an insufferable gyaru. If you don’t want my help, then I can go home and study.”

“Pfft, nerd.” She really enjoyed making jokes at my expense.

“Do you want to eat microwave noodles for dinner?! We’re baking cookies today so you can make them for Sato-san eventually. Isn’t that what you lovey-dovey girls do?” I finished braiding her hair and pulled them in a final act of childish retaliation.

“Oww! Sorry, sorry! Geez. You’re more violent than you look. Who would have guessed you’d have an awful temper?”

“Shut up and put on an apron so we can get started. Sato-san isn’t very picky so we can make any cookies you want. Do you have a favorite kind?”

“Umm, I like those icebox cookies! I like the cool designs and stuff!” She acted happy and uncaring, but I knew she was diligently listening because she wanted to impress her crush.

“Alright, we’ll make those then. We should have all the ingredients we need so let’s get started. First, we’ll mix the dry ingredients then add the wet afterwards.”

“Got it! Err, how much is a pinch? The recipe says a pinch of salt, what kind of measurement is that?” she asked without a hint of sarcasm.

“...You literally pinch the amount of salt that you add.” I demonstrated the movement that I thought would be self-explanatory.

“Ooooh! That makes so much sense! Okay now what?”

“Now you add in the other dry ingredients. Currently, you just have flour and salt.”

“Yes, yes, that’s right! So, what was the rationale behind starting with cookies?” she asked as she measured out the sugar.

“Since you’re still too shy to talk directly to Sato-san, giving him something heartfelt will (hopefully) show him that you like him. Homemade cookies are endearing and show that you put in effort to make him something. It’s the perfect way of expressing your feelings without actually having to talk to him. Plus, boys love food so you can’t really go wrong.”

“Since when have you been an expert on courtship?” The smirk on her face made it clear that she enjoyed picking on me.

“Since I looked it up online yesterday. Seriously, it’s not hard to just look these things up. Now mix in the wet ingredients, I got them ready for you.”

“Thanks, sensei! Oh, it’s all goopy now!”

“That’s called dough. How dumb are you?”

“Hey, don’t call me dumb! This is my first time baking, y’know? Cut me some slack!” She was such a child sometimes. Of course, I couldn’t talk since I pulled on her hair not long before then.

“Fine, just mix it thoroughly then split it in two.” I had to keep reminding myself that she wasn’t used to baking or doing anything on her own. She was frustratingly useless, but I couldn’t exactly blame her entirely for being unknowledgeable.

“Now add cocoa to one and vanilla extract to the other. Mix them and then we’ll start forming them.”

“Yes, ma’am!” She replied in jest. She had some cheek to mock the person teaching her.

Luckily, she followed my instructions carefully and soon we were on to the forming part of the task. It was just a simple procedure of utilizing molds and cutting them evenly, which I assumed would trip her up spectacularly. To my surprise though, she was able to do all of that without issue and soon they were in the freezer to chill for an hour. Half of that time was spent cleaning the mess she made, but once that was done, we had to sit in awkward silence, which I wasn’t comfortable with. Thus, I decided to take the opportunity to learn more about my pupil.

“What are these rumors I keep hearing about?” I figured the easiest thing to do would be to address the subject head on. Otherwise, we’d only be talking in circles until we got to it more naturally.

“Eh? You really don’t know? Well, I guess it would be better to hear them from me than someone else. It all started with my ex-boyfriend. After I broke up with him for being a cheating bastard, he began telling everyone that I was the one who cheated on him, with multiple guys, no less. And, well, rumors spread and became embellished until the original lie was somehow better than the current beliefs about me. The girls I thought were my friends ditched me because they thought I would try to steal their boyfriends, despite them knowing it was a lie. Next thing I knew, everyone at school was whispering about how I was some kind of stuck up, slutty boyfriend stealer. It’s hard to convince people of the truth when they want to believe the lie because it makes them superior. You probably don’t believe me either, do you?”

She sounded defeated, demoralized by the years of unfounded judgment based on a lie. It was the exact reason I refused to believe in rumors, especially ones that make people out to be more evil than they really were. Most were just victims of either poor choices, unfortunate circumstances, or a mixture of the two.

“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I believe you? Your story makes more sense than the fanciful tales that people are probably spreading about you. Judging people based on rumors is childish and only helps those who want to feel better about themselves. Mom went through that stuff as well and raised me to not believe the lies people spread.”

“Heh, I should have known you’d say that. You call me an idiot, but you don’t act like I’m not worth your time.”

“And you believe that since Sato-san is somewhat like me, he’ll ignore the rumors and accept you for what you really are as opposed to what they think you are. Correct?”

Her lips curled into a wistful smile, almost like she thought she was hoping for the impossible. “Yeah. When people first started spreading rumors, he rejected them and said that he didn’t believe the words of a disgruntled ex-boyfriend. That was when we were first-years but I still remember him saying that. He probably doesn’t even remember, but I’ve liked him ever since. But because of the rumors, I thought it would be best not to get involved with him, since I would just make his life more difficult. However, we’re graduating in a year, if I don’t try now, then I might never have a chance like that again.”

“Well, if that’s how you feel, then I understand why you’d want to shoot your shot. These cookies are probably a good start to get him to look your way. Still, I wonder if you actually like him romantically or if you’re just grateful that someone stood up for you.”

“He’s also attractive, academically gifted, athletic, and generous. It’s not just about him being nice to me.” She sounded more defensive than before. It was strange, but she sounded just like she did when Aoi-chan jokingly said she and I should date. What that meant was a mystery to me, but it was certainly interesting.

“I’ll take your word for it. I suppose romantic feelings have more to do with lust and such. You want to touch him and stuff, right?”

“Eh!? Is that what you think romance is all about!?” She really got upset with me over a silly conclusion that was pretty easy to jump to.

“Of course not, but isn’t that part of what makes someone a romantic partner as opposed to just a friend? People in love usually think about their partner in that way so I figured you must have, at the very least, thought about it.”

“Ehh, I mean, it’s crossed my mind a couple times, I suppose. B-but it’s not like the only reason I like him!”

“I don’t understand why you’re so defensive about it. I’m not judging you because you have those thoughts, I was just curious. Come on, the cookies should be ready to bake.”

The cookies in the freezer offered me the perfect excuse to get out of the awkward conversation. Discussing the physical aspects of relationships was not something I had much experience with. The limited knowledge I had about the topic made any further elaboration impossible. Her sexual proclivities didn’t interest me, but I was fascinated by her feelings. They seemed self-serving, purely as a way to break free from the baggage of her past as opposed to sincere romantic interest.

However, I was no expert. In fact, I was probably the least qualified person to talk about the topic. Though, my naivety allowed me to view things from an outsider’s perspective. If my questions made her confused about her feelings, then she must not have been sure of how she really felt.

The cookies baked while we sat in awkward silence. Well, I sat in silence. Sasaki-san on the other hand, kept herself busy with her phone. It was moments like those that made me realize just how different I was from everyone else. Most kids my age would be glued to their phone, playing games and scrolling social media, while I was more interested in reading during down time.

The gap made me feel isolated and detached from people my age. Mom had a smartphone because she needed it more than I did for her work. We couldn’t afford a second one, so I had a basic flip phone that I only used for texting Aoi-chan and Mom. It didn’t really bother me, but I felt a bit left out whenever my peers pulled out their phones during break periods. There was already a lot about me that made me an outcast, my cellphone being a decade behind just added to it.

Thinking about phones made me subconsciously reach for mine. It was unlikely that I had any messages since Aoi-chan and Mom were both working, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt.

“...Is that a flip phone?” Sasaki-san sounded more surprised than judgmental about my outdated technology.

“Mom can’t afford for both of us to have a smartphone, so I have this. Is that a problem?” My defenses were up because of my own insecurities as opposed to serious annoyance at her question.

“N-no, no, I was just surprised. You’ve never been on your phone around me, so I figured you didn’t have one.”

“There’s not much to do on my phone besides texting my friends and Mom, and even that’s rare.”

Sasaki-san turned red again and fidgeted more than usual. Was what I said that nerve wracking for her to hear? Was she anxious by proxy?

“Maybe I could have your number, y’know, so you aren’t lonely all the time.” Her face was flushed from embarrassment. What happened to the overconfident gyaru that was asking what a pinch was?

“What makes you think I’m lonely? Do I seem like I’m wallowing in my forlorn existence?”

“You may be used to it, but you’re alone most of the time. I don’t have that many friends anymore, so I’ll spend time with you if you want.” Her face was so red I was beginning to worry that there wasn’t enough blood going to the rest of her body. Was there something about me that made her nervous?

“Ugh, fine. If it’ll keep you out of trouble then you can hang out with me, I suppose. You already come over for dinner every night, you might as well chill while you’re at it. Plus, it would give us a chance to brainstorm how you could get Sato-san’s attention.”

“Cool… Have you really never liked anyone?” Why was she asking that suddenly? We were talking about her spending more time at my place, how did she get to that?

“Not really. It’s not like I never have urges or whatever, but it’s rare and I have no interest in a relationship like that. I’m sure I had a crush in grade school, but I have no memory of it. I get that most girls are into that stuff, but I’ve never cared about it. I’ve always been a bit strange though.”

My voice trailed off as I thought back to all the moments I felt like an outsider around my peers. For as long as I can remember, I had been considered a freak for how I felt. Despite that, I tried my hardest to fit in and make friends. In the end, only Aoi-chan and Sato-san weren’t bothered by my personality.

Before Sasaki-san could respond to my very strange statement, the timer for the cookies went off.

“Looks like they’re done.” I carefully removed them from the oven and placed them in front of Sasaki-san so she could observe her handiwork.

“Woah, these look so good! Maybe I have a future as a patisserie!” She was back to her goofy gyaru self, as if she flipped a switch to change her personality.

“Oh good. That means next time you won’t need my help.”

“Eh!? I was just joking, there’s no way I could do this without you!” She was such a strange person whom I could never predict.

“But wasn’t the plan for you to give Sato-san something you made by yourself? It’s not really the same if I held your hand the whole time. Besides, I’m teaching you so you can do it on your own eventually.”

“But it would be worse if I gave him something inedible or that made him sick! Can’t I just give him these, so he doesn’t die?”

“Fine, do it your way. He probably won’t be able to tell that I helped. We just need to let them cool and then we can put them in some bags that the cooking club never uses.” The bags were too cutesy for my liking, but they were perfect for a flamboyant gyaru.

“Cool, cool… Hey, the other day, Aoi-chan said something about Sato-san not wanting a girlfriend, is that true?”

“He didn’t say he didn’t want one, but he’s rejected every girl who’s confessed to him. He gets letters every week and he rejects them all. However, that shouldn’t dissuade you from doing your best.”

“That’s true… Should I give it to him directly or should I leave it on his desk with a note?” How dense was this chick? Why was she asking me for romance advice all the time?

“Do you think you can handle talking to him while everyone stares? Or you could ask him to meet you alone somewhere but that would probably be more awkward for you… What would the note say?”

“Umm, maybe I could just say something like: ‘thank you for being yourself’ and then add a few hearts or something.” She just had to add hearts for no reason.

“Ehh, I guess that would be fine. It’s not overwhelming and it focuses on his personality over his looks. It’s better than anything I could think of, so you should go with that. They should be cool enough now… You probably have more than you need so you should take home the leftovers.”

“Actually, can you bag them separately? There’s someone else I want to give cookies to.” She was back to cosplaying as a tomato as she smiled at the cookies.

“Really? Sheesh, just how many people are you trying to impress?” I asked in jest. She probably wanted to show off to her parents or something. It was unlikely she would want to go out with two separate people.

“There’s someone I want to thank, that’s all.” She was really enjoying herself, who was I to question the reason for that.

“Whatever, they’re your cookies, you can do what you want with them.” I said as I handed them to her.

“Sweet! Maybe I should try one first… Woah! They taste amazing! You’re the best, Sayaka-chan!”

“I’m not that great, I’ve just been cooking and baking since I was kid, so I’ve already made all the mistakes every beginner makes. Now that that’s taken care of, let’s clean up so I can go home and make us dinner.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The following morning, when I walked into the classroom, I was met with a very odd sight. On Sato-san’s desk were the cookies Sasaki-san baked the previous day as well as a card. That wasn’t the odd part. The odd part was that my desk had the same things on it. Even more strangely, Sasaki-san was nowhere to be seen.

“Heh? What the hey?”

Once I was over my confusion, I decided to go with it and read whatever she wrote for me. Before I could though, Sato-san walked in.

“Woah, are those cookies? Did you make them, Tanaka-chan?”

“Nope, I got some too.” While I knew who made them, I felt like it would be best to keep it a secret until Sasaki-san felt comfortable enough to tell him herself.

“Hmm, what does your card say?” he asked as he munched on the cookies.

“Let’s see… ‘Thank you for being yourself’.” That dumbass gave me the card meant for Sato-san; thus, she must have given him the card meant for me.

“Oh nice! I wonder what mine says… ‘You’re the best friend I could have ever asked for’. Oh, that was sweet! Though, whoever it was didn’t sign it. Oh! It was probably Aoi-chan!” Sato-san was such an idiot! Aoi-chan couldn’t bake even if her life depended on it. How did the male mind work!?

Before I could salvage the situation for Sasaki-san so she could avoid being friendzoned, the dumbass herself skipped joyfully into the room. She was blissfully unaware of the idiotic mistake she made.

“Good morning, Sayaka-chan! Oh, did you get some cookies?” she asked with a goofy smile.

“Yup and the dumbass left this.” I handed her the card she left on my desk. Her eyes grew wide as the realization began to sink in.

“Oh… Damn. Well, I suppose it applies to you.”

“You’re right. Thanks, idiot.”

“Oh, did you make these Sasaki-san?” Sato-san interjected at the worst possible time. “They’re really good! I had no clue you saw me that way since we barely talk.”

“Oh, uh, y-yeah. Sorry, I’m sure you thought it was weird.” Who was this bumbling fool!? She had a chance to talk to her crush and she stuttered like a scared child.

“It was really sweet of you! You’ve been pretty quiet for a while, but you’ve opened up since you’ve started hanging out with Tanaka-chan. We should all hang out together sometime!” Sato-san gave her a golden opportunity that she needed to capitalize on.

“Y-yeah, for sure. Maybe we could do something this weekend. Y-you know, as a group?” It was infuriating to watch her stumble through a very straight-forward conversation. It was the best-case scenario for her faux pas and she was too awkward to make the best of it.

“For sure! Why don’t we exchange contact info so we can make plans for this weekend? Tanaka-chan is hopeless with technology so I’m going to rely on you.” He held out his phone and she scanned his code somehow despite her shaking hands.

“Cool! I’m looking forward to this weekend!” Sato-san walked back to his desk and immediately began socializing with the other people around him.

Sasaki-san sat at her desk, stunned by the unexpected turn of events.

“That turned out better than I thought it would. Somehow, your stupidity got you a date.”

“Eh!? A date? B-but we’re going as a group.” She was still reeling from interacting with her longtime crush.

“Do I need to spell it out for you? You make plans for the three of us to go to the movies, then you meet up with him alone and tell him that I wasn’t feeling well but didn’t want to ruin your day. Perfect plan, right?”

“Ohhh, that may actually work. How did this work out so well? I have his number and a date all because I didn’t check the cards. He was so kind and thankful; how can he be so perfect? Ugh!”

Even though I helped her bake cookies for her crush, gave her advice as to how to talk to him, and suggested to rig things in her favor so she could have a date with him, I felt annoyed. Something within me was screaming in frustration at the thought of her getting closer to Sato-san. What was I so frustrated about? Shouldn’t I have been happy for her?

Throughout the rest of the day, and the days that followed, I mulled over my reaction, hoping to learn about the reason. In the end, the only thing I could figure out was that I grew more annoyed as the days passed. As the day of their date neared, I felt a growing anxiety within me.

Every evening when she came over and asked me for advice or for my opinion on outfits, I had to hold in my frustration. On the outside, I was the same as always: snarky, brutally honest, and dismissive. However, on the inside I was screaming. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.

Based on what was happening, I should have been happy. Two of my friends, whom I thought were nice people who deserved to find some kind of happiness, were going to go on a pseudo-date. Even though I didn’t believe that people should rely on someone else for happiness, I wasn’t going to tell Sasaki-san to give up on her long-time crush because of my personal views. And I wasn’t going to sabotage things and tell Sato-san everything. Yet, I felt like I was living in some kind of limbo.

The whole thing made no sense. Sasaki-san and I had only been friends for a few weeks, and I hadn’t spoken to Sato-san for two years until we ended up in the same class again. Why were those two affecting me so much? Aoi-chan had been on a few dates but that never bothered me. So why was Sasaki-san different?

By the time the day of their date rolled around, I was a hollow shell of myself. Days of anxiety had left me exhausted and sick to my stomach. It was ironic, the plan was for Sasaki-san to lie to Sato-san about me feeling unwell, but now she wouldn’t be deceiving him.

A knock came from the door around noon, an hour before they were going to meet up. It was bound to be Sasaki-san coming over to get my final opinion on the outfit she chose. Every outfit she showed me in preparation for her date was too gyaru for my tastes, so I had no clue why she bothered asking me. All I did was insult her style each time she tried to flaunt her looks, I’m not sure what benefit she got from asking me.

As soon as I opened the door, Sasaki-san blew past me and flopped onto the couch, immediately making herself at home.

“Ugh, I’m so nervous. I could barely make coherent sentences the other day, this is going to be a disaster.” She was such an annoying, indecisive idiot sometimes.

“You’ll be fine.” I groaned from a mixture of annoyance and stomach pain.

“Of course, you say that, nothing seems to make you nervous. Sometimes I wish I was more like you. Like, it would be so great if I could keep my cool under pressure better.”

“I just look relaxed on the outside, I still have my anxieties on the inside.” There was no chance Sasaki-san would be able to tell I was in a bad mood since she thought I was upset by default.

“Really? What kind of things are you anxious about?”

“Haven’t you ever felt anxious for no reason? Why are you here anyway? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for your date?” Her being around was making my stomach hurt even more. It felt like my intestines were in knots and I couldn’t handle it.

“What? Can’t I hang out with my friend before making a fool of myself in front of the guy I like?”

“Or you could go early and figure out what you want to do after the movie. Find a bubble tea place or a cafe you can go to afterwards.” Why was I still helping her despite making me ill every time I thought about it?

She jumped off the couch in excitement. “Oh, great idea! Good thinking, Sayaka-chan!”

She wrapped me in her arms in a friendly, and slightly painful, embrace. “Thanks for everything, Sayaka-chan. You’re the best.”

My arms desperately peeled me out of her grasp. “Yeah, yeah, go have fun.”

“Yes, ma’am! I’ll stop by afterwards to let you know how it went!” With that she rushed out of my apartment like the goober she was.

The moment the door closed behind her, I collapsed to the ground in pain. Why did it bother me so much? What were these strange feelings? The only thing I knew was that I wanted the pain to go away.