It was finally the day of my first date with Sato-san! Well, from my point of view it was a date. To him, he was just hanging out with a new friend. Regardless, it was just going to be him and I for the whole afternoon.

Though, I did feel bad for using deception to get alone time with him. He specifically asked to hang out as a group, most likely because he didn’t see me the same way I saw him. The “date” was probably going to be boring and disappointing, but that wouldn’t be his fault. But Sayaka-chan was the one who came up with the idea, so I had to trust her.

Oh… Just thinking about Sayaka-chan made me nervous. Over the previous few weeks, I noticed myself changing little by little. Since I met Sayaka-chan, I felt happier with myself and spending time with her was the highlight of my day. Even though she would continuously yell at me, insult me, and call me names, she never meant me any real harm.

She would call me an idiot but then proceed to teach me how to do things on my own. She didn’t care about what people said about me, she never judged me, and told me that I shouldn’t change myself for the sake of others. She was actually extremely sweet, and she seemed to really care about me. When I messed up with the cards, instead of mocking me and calling me stupid, she helped me salvage the situation to make it so I could get what I told her I wanted.

By the time I got to the mall where I was supposed to meet the guy I had been crushing on since our first-year, I was thinking more about Sayaka-chan than Sato-san. When I really thought about it, she seemed to want me to leave more than usual. She seemed distressed, pained even. Was she really not feeling well? If she was actually sick, I would have stayed with her… But why? Wouldn’t she want me to go on my pseudo-date instead of fussing over her? Why was I worried about her health when I should’ve been worried about how to talk to Sato-san?

All those questions were running on repeat in my mind as I waited patiently for Sato-san. I ended up being twenty minutes early, which meant I had plenty of time to think about what to say to him. However, my mind was stuck on Sayaka-chan, so much so that by the time Sato-san arrived, I was no longer stressed about how to talk to him. The only thing on my mind was Sayaka-chan.

“Hey, Sasaki-san! Where’s Tanaka-chan, I thought you two would come together?” He sounded so happy to see me that my heart began to race.

“She wasn’t feeling well so she decided to stay home. She insisted that we should go to the movie without her.” It felt wrong deceiving him, but I knew I had no chance otherwise.

“Oh, that sucks. I’m surprised you didn’t offer to stay with her, you two seem inseparable lately.”

Sato-san’s sincerity only made me feel worse. He was right though, if Sayaka-chan was really sick, I never would have left her side… But why? She could take care of herself, she always took care of me and complained how useless I was, but I would want to be with her. My feelings were jumbled, and I couldn’t figure out why I was so worried about her.

“She was pretty insistent. You know how pushy she can be.” The hole I was in was only getting deeper as the lies drug me further down.

“Yeah, I can believe that. Well, since we’re here, we might as well catch a movie.” He was as kind as ever and his smile made me feel a little better.

“You look very pretty, by the way. The gyaru style suits you.” Damn this boy and his effortless charm!

“Thanks. Sayaka-chan didn’t seem to like it but that’s true for almost everything I do.”

“I wouldn’t worry much about her. If she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t keep talking to you. She’s never been very social, but she wasn’t always so cranky. Something happened during junior high that changed her, apparently. I was hoping to find out once we got to high school, but we were never in the same class and we kind of drifted apart.”

Sato-san didn’t sound like he had a crush on her, but he sounded worried. It was my first time hearing about something happening that changed her. If it was that impactful, why hadn’t I heard about it until then?

A weak “I see.” was all I could muster. Why did he have to say that? My head was now filled with horrifying possibilities about what may have happened to her. Perhaps she was traumatized and that was why she was so sex averse! Maybe she saw someone dying on the street! She could have fallen into a pool and nearly drowned! What cruel fate was she met with!? Did she die!? …Okay, she probably didn’t die, but my mind wasn’t processing properly.

“Do you know what movie you want to see?” Sato-san’s voice broke through my anxious thoughts.

“Whatever you want is fine.” I responded half-heartedly; my mind still focused on Sayaka-chan.

“Cool, I’ll get the tickets.” He walked off before I would offer to pay for myself. Just as I thought, he was super nice!

Perhaps it was because he believed we were only hanging out as friends, but I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be. Surprisingly, I could talk to him without stuttering and I could think clearly, unlike before. What changed between the time he asked me out and the day of our date?

“Alright, I got them! Do you want any snacks for the movie?”

“No thanks, I’m not that hungry.” How could I eat when I was stressing over whether or not Sayaka-chan was really sick? Did she eat that morning? I should have made sure she had lunch before I left, just to be sure.

“Then we should go to the theater. Come on.”

In a move that took me by surprise, he grabbed my hand. Did he think this was a date too!? The only reason I was able to keep my cool was because this was a one-sided date. If he thought it was a date as well, then I was assuredly going to freak out.

We found our seats and sat down, still holding hands. My mind was fraught with confusion and anxiety. All my worries about Sayaka-chan melted away with the warmth of Sato-san’s hand. It was like I was living in a dream, something I had wanted for years was finally coming true.

My mind was so preoccupied with thoughts of his hand in mine that I didn’t notice the title screen of the movie. If I had seen it, I would have been able to mentally prepare myself. Instead, I was terrified when the movie opened with a woman being brutally killed by an evil looking creature. The kind and considerate Sato-san chose a horror movie for us to watch!?

Perhaps it was one of those classic moves made by boys to get girls to cling to them? But that would mean he thought this was a date, and more importantly, wanted me to cling to him! If he wanted to do all those things, did that mean he wanted to go out with me!?

During a particularly bloody scene, I decided to test my theory and buried my face into his shoulder. He was more muscular than he looked at first glance. Everything about him was exactly what I thought was attractive; athletic, handsome, kind. He was also really outgoing and got along with everyone. So why was I imagining Sayaka-chan nuzzling into my shoulder instead of enjoying the moment? It was so out of character for her to show any weakness and the idea of her holding me for comfort made me grin into Sato-san’s arm.

When the movie ended, Sato-san was chuckling at me. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed that you would be fine with a scary movie.”

“It’s okay, I had fun regardless!” We were still holding hands as we walked into the mall. There was something strange about how natural he felt with holding my hand without any pretense.

“I still feel a bit bad. Why don’t I get you a parfait as an apology.”

“Sure, that would be great…… Hey, why are you holding my hand? I’m just curious.” My thoughts finally spilled out as I asked the question that had been bothering me for a while.

“Huh? Oh, sorry! You remind me a lot of my little sister and I guess I just did it without thinking. Does it bother you?”

“N-no, it doesn’t bother me at all! I was just wondering!”

“Now that you mention it, this is kind of like a date, huh?” He was becoming self-aware!

“Oh yeah. I guess it is kinda like a date.” My acting skills deserved an award.

“I’ve never been on a date before, but I’m glad my first one was with you.” His smile made my heart skip a beat and my face became bright red.

“You don’t have any problems being seen with me?”

“Because of those stupid rumors? Why would I let something like that stop me from spending time with you? You’re a really nice person.” How was he exactly like I imagined he would be? And why did I wish he wasn’t so perfect?

Before I could come up with a coherent response, I noticed a familiar face out of the corner of my eye: Sayaka-chan’s mom. It was such an unexpected occurrence I couldn’t help myself from calling out to her.

“Tanaka-san!” I released Sato-san’s hand and skipped over to her. “I didn’t know you had the day off. Are you clothes shopping today?”

“Unfortunately, I’m not. Sayaka called to tell me that she was in a lot of pain, so I’m getting medicine before I go to my job at the bar.”

“What?! She didn’t say anything about that before I left!” Sayaka-chan was actually sick!?

“She probably didn’t want to worry you. Oh, are you on a date with Sato-kun?” She asked like it was the scandal of the year.

“N-no, we’re just here as friends. Let me take care of Sayaka-chan, you should rest before your night shift.” The idea of going to get parfaits with the boy I liked was totally erased from my mind. The only thing I cared about was being there for Sayaka-chan.

“No, no, you should enjoy yourself! Sayaka would feel bad if she knew you left to take care of her.”

“She’s done so much for me; this is my chance to finally do something for her.” It would have been more embarrassing to tell her that I couldn’t relax while I knew Sayaka-chan was suffering.

“You should go, Sasaki-chan, we’ll get parfaits some other time. Tanaka-chan is important to you so you should look after her. Tanaka-chan always downplays when she’s not feeling well, so she must be really sick if she’s asking for help.” Sato-san was right, Sayaka-chan was important to me, more so than I ever realized.

“I guess that settles it! Come on, Rina-chan, I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you!” Tanaka-san grabbed the same hand Sato-san held not too long ago and pulled me behind her as she rushed off to the exit.

“So how was your first date with Sato-kun?”

“Uhh, it was fun, I guess. But is it really a date if only one person thinks it is?” It was embarrassing to ask an adult that kind of question, but I didn’t want to lie to her either. If she could offer me advice, then I needed to be honest with her.

“Hmm, but weren’t you two holding hands? Well, whatever. All that matters is that you had fun and maybe you could build off this! Sato-kun is a good kid, you could do a lot worse.”

She seemed to be genuine in her intentions, probably a skill she picked up from bartending, but she was engaging. A lot of adults viewed high school relationships as cute but not serious, no matter how they felt. But she didn’t see me as any less able to understand my feelings than anyone else, despite my age.

“Umm, can I ask your opinion on something, Tanaka-san?”

“Of course you can! That’s what I’m here for, Rina-chan!”

“Well, when I was with Sato-san, even though I’ve had a crush on him for years, my mind kept going back to Sayaka-chan. Even when I was clinging onto him during the horror movie, I thought about Sayaka-chan clinging to me. Why do you think that is?”

“Hmm… Tell me, Rina-chan, how would you feel if Sayaka had a sudden change of heart and fell in love with someone?” She must have had a reason behind the strange question, but I couldn’t understand what the purpose was at the time.

The idea of Sayaka-chan falling in love was a challenge of its own, her mind was dead set on never wanting to be in a romantic relationship. But when I suspended my disbelief to consider the possibility, I became extremely uncomfortable. The thought of her smiling at someone, holding their hand, hugging them, kissing them, being in a real relationship with someone, hurt me. Why was I hurt though? She was allowed to do whatever she wanted, and if being in love made her happy, then as her friend I should support that. So why was the idea of her kissing someone else… Someone else!? Was I implying that I only wanted her to kiss me!? What was I thinking!?

“...I would be sad.” I answered meekly, having understood what she was suggesting.

“Ah, so I see you’ve come to realize what you actually feel. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way, and you shouldn’t feel like you need to deny those emotions. But you need to decide what you want to do about them. Do you want to try to move past them or ignore them and hope they disappear? Do you want to embrace them and pursue her? Or do you want to reject the idea and pretend that you never felt that way to begin with? You don’t need to answer that question, but you should think about it sometime. In the meantime, you should treat her like you always have. She thinks very highly of you despite what she says to your face. She would be lonely if you started ignoring her without warning.”

Tanaka-san planted the seeds, but I still wasn’t sure how I felt. Rushing to any kind of conclusion would have been irresponsible and may not have been what I truly wanted. There was one thing I was absolutely sure of: I didn’t want to lose her.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“I’m home! And I come bearing gifts!” Tanaka-san called out the moment we walked through the door.

Sayaka-chan was bundled up on her futon. She looked absolutely miserable and in a lot of pain. Seeing the girl who was always strong and capable being weak and helpless made my heart drop. If I wasn’t so selfish, I would have noticed she was sick when I saw her earlier that day.

“Is medicine your idea of a gift?” Even when she was sick, Sayaka-chan was her usual snarky self.

“Nope, I picked this cutie up at the mall.” Her mom was such a gyaru at heart even after years of being a mom.

“Eh? Why aren’t you on your date with Sato-san?” She seemed to be downplaying how surprised she was to see me, but I suppose she would have been.

“Don’t worry about that. You should’ve told me you weren’t feeling well, I would have stayed here with you.”

“Well, it looks like you’re in good hands, Sayaka. I’m going to sleep for a while before I need to go to work, but holler if you need anything!” Her mom kissed her on the forehead and then disappeared into her room, giving me a sly wink before closing the door.

“Why the hell did you bail on your date? Mom was just getting me some medicine; I don’t need to be babied.”

“Your mom needs to work tonight and I couldn’t stand the thought of you being sick and alone. Here.” I handed her some pills and a bottle of water. The only thing I wanted to do was be there for her when she needed me.

“Date sucked that much?” she asked impishly before downing the pills.

“It was different from what I thought it would be. Like, even though things went better than I could have imagined, there was just something missing. It’s kind of hard to explain… How are you feeling? Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”

“What do you mean by missing? Was it because you were the only one who wanted it to be a date?” She asked, ignoring my offer for help.

“It’s just… He held my hand and I held onto him during the horror movie. I think maybe he even liked the idea of it being a date. It’s just… I guess I began to question whether being with him is what I really want.”

“Seriously? After years of crushing on him, working for weeks to figure out how to get him to like you, and finally being able to spend time with him, you’re questioning your feelings? I don’t understand you romantic types.” Her words were as sharp as ever, despite her bedridden state.

“I don’t fully understand either, but I’m going to take some time to think it over.”

She turned away from me before replying to my admittedly vague statement. “Whatever… I think I’m going to sleep for a while, you don’t have to stay and watch me sleep.”

“It’s fine, Sayaka-chan, I want to be here for you when you wake up. I’m not going anywhere.” My hand instinctively stretched out to pat her on the head. The only way I could stop myself was by pulling it back with my free hand. I wanted to comfort her, but I knew she wouldn’t appreciate that kind of skinship.

“...If it went better than you thought, does that mean he wants to go out with you again?”

“Maybe. He said we should get parfaits together sometime, but I want to figure out my feelings before doing anything.”

“You should go out with him again. You were probably overthinking everything.”

Perhaps it was my imagination, but Sayaka-chan sounded depressed, as if reserved to some kind of uncomfortable reality. Then again, she was miserable from her illness and was probably getting drowsy from the medicine. It would have been irresponsible of me to get the wrong idea based on her already emotionless voice.

“Get some rest, Sayaka-chan. Get better soon, I hate to see you in pain.”

Soon she was asleep, and I was alone with my thoughts. The continued insistence she showed for me to get together with Sato-san was becoming a troubling pattern. Without any pretense, she insisted I was overthinking and told me to go out with him, but why? She was usually indifferent to relationships and love, so why did she encourage me to get into one?

However, it was becoming increasingly clear to me that the person I wanted to be with wasn’t Sato-san. Despite my longtime crush on him, and him being a genuinely great person, I had fallen for someone else. Someone who I knew would never accept my feelings. Someone who I knew didn’t want to be with me and didn’t feel the same way as I did. Somehow, I had fallen for Sayaka-chan.

In the short time I had known her, she changed me. She wasn’t like everyone else; she didn’t care about rumors, about what other people thought, nor did she think I needed to change myself. Ever since I met her, she had been telling me that I shouldn’t have to change myself for someone to love me. She wasn’t suggesting that I never change, but that I shouldn’t change for someone else’s sake.

The way she saw the world was different from everyone else. She was pessimistic but she didn’t think there was anything wrong with being herself. Even if it made it difficult for her to connect with people or make friends, she wasn’t going to change who she was to make life easier for others. That was the thing I found most admirable about her. She was headstrong and didn’t show her emotions well, but she truly cared about the people in her life.

There was one other trait of hers that I found irresistible; she was extremely cute. The clothes she usually wore were plain and cheap, but she wore them with pride because she knew her mother worked hard for everything they had. She had long black hair and wore glasses, which made her look younger in appearance. But on occasion, I would see her without her glasses, usually after her bath, and I was struck by how gorgeous and mature she looked. The humble way she presented herself just made me fall for her harder.

At the end of the day, no matter what my feelings for her were, we would never be together. But I was content just being by her side. Hopefully, one day, I will be able to move past my feelings. Hoping for anything else would be wishing for the impossible.