Since her “date” with Sato-san, Sasaki-san had been acting stranger than usual. She spent more time at my place after school and was there from morning to night on the weekend. She seemed particularly interested in learning how to cook, which I would usually say was a good thing, but the way she went about it was odd.

She seemed to make mistakes on purpose so that I would pay more attention to her, and she regularly asked for me to help with the weirdest things. The majority of the time she would ask for help with mixing, stirring, kneading, or tasting her food, even though I had shown her how to do each of those multiple times.

Also, since her date, she seemed to be extremely conscious of my health. My illness dissipated by the following day, but she was always fretting over the most inconsequential things. Even when I was doing something I had done a million times, like cutting vegetables, she watched me like an overprotective parent.

Whenever I asked her why she was being so strange, she would say something about how I was important to her. It didn’t make much sense, especially because we barely knew each other. Despite her being over all the time, we rarely talked about ourselves. I knew nothing about her parents, her hobbies, the things she did with her friends before they ghosted her, or even the basic things like what she liked. Since she never opened up to me about that stuff, I didn’t feel like I needed to open up anymore to her than I already had.

Apparently, Sato-san and she had gone out a few times, but only as friends. The discomfort I felt the first time never returned so I never figured out what it was about them going out that bothered me. Sasaki-san said she was fine with being friends with Sato-san, which I felt relieved by, for some reason. Unbeknownst to her, Sato-san was interested in being more than friends.

A few days after their first date, Sato-san came to Aoi-chan and I to tell us about what he described as their date. He had fun and was actually open to going out with Sasaki-san, but he was fine being friends too. It was such an awkward situation, made worse by my extreme lack of interest in their relationship. They were both my friends, but romance didn’t interest me, so I never gave it much thought. That is, until Sato-san pulled me aside a few weeks after their date.

“I think I’m falling for Sasaki-san.” He declared with a look of determination that I rarely saw on him.

“Uh-huh. Why are you telling me and not the girl you actually should be talking to?”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about; do you think she likes me? Whenever we go out, she acts the same as she always does, so it’s hard to tell how she feels. Also, lately she seems preoccupied with something, but every time I ask, she says it’s nothing.”

Why was he coming to me? What was with people asking me about romance like I knew anything about it? And what was he so hysterical about? Sasaki-san had been crushing on him since she was a first-year, he had nothing to worry about.

“Umm, I don’t think you should be asking me these things. Why can’t you just tell her how you feel and find out if she feels the same? Why are you making it so complicated?”

“I figured since she’s always hanging around you that she may have said something. She practically lives with you, has she really never talked about liking someone?”

“Even if she had, why would I break her trust and tell some horny boy who she likes? Don’t get me wrong, you’re my friend, but you’re still a teenage boy. Just say you want to hump her.”

Sato-san recoiled in disgust of my crude use of terminology. There was no need to dance around the subject, he most definitely thought she was sexually appealing, even I could acknowledge she was alluring in appearance.

“Eh!? E-even if I have those kinds of thoughts, I like her for a lot more than just that. She’s a really cool person to talk to and I always have fun with her. Of course, I think she’s pretty, but I want more than just a physical relationship with her. Like I said, I would be fine with just being friends.”

“Well, regardless, you should just talk to her yourself. The sooner the better, she’s really getting on my nerves. If you can get her to leave me alone once in a while, I’d be grateful.”

Their feelings were mutual, so it only made sense that they would spend more time together once they were an official couple. That would mean I would finally have alone time again! Her being around livened things up, to be sure, but she annoyed the hell out of me the majority of the time. Her being over everyday made it difficult for me to read and get ahead in my studies. Somehow, she managed to do poorly in all of her classes even though I regularly earned perfect scores. If she wasn’t learning, then she had no reason to spend all her time with me.

“Aren’t you friends? Why are you so hostile towards her?”

“Are we friends? She’s more like a duckling who follows me around because she mistook me for her mother. We have nothing in common, we’re polar opposites, and she just hangs around me for her own benefit. It’s not like I invite her over everyday, she just shows up.”

Sato-san seemed taken aback by my pessimistic view of my relationship with Sasaki-san. My true feelings were a bit more complicated, but I didn’t feel the need to share that.

“Seriously? For a while, I was convinced that she had a crush on you. But there’s no way she’s into girls, right?”

“Even if she was into girls, why would she be into me? Besides, in the off chance that she did like me, she must know that there’s no chance I would be interested in going out with her.”

“Oh yeah? You’ve even said she’s attractive, plus she’s really sweet and cares about you, why wouldn’t you try it?”

The argument Sato-san thought he was making was extremely weak. The issue wasn’t whether I objectively found her attractive, the issue was my views regarding romantic relationships. Even in a world where I was interested in such things, Sasaki-san would be too much for someone like me.

“Because that whole world isn’t something I ever want to experience. The only benefit I see is that there would be no risk of an unplanned pregnancy if we were to ever progress to physical intimacy. But even that idea isn’t appealing to me.”

“Huh. You know, we’ve never really talked about it, but do you have any sexual feelings? Isn’t it normal for people our age to have those thoughts?”

“Hmm… I suppose I have those feelings on occasion, though I assume not to the same degree as most people. I don’t have a rapacious sex drive or anything. It doesn’t make me want to change my views on romantic relationships and I’m fine without anything of that nature.”

Sato-san seemed surprised that I willingly shared such intimate details of my private life, but I saw no reason to hide those kinds of things. It was obvious that he had no interest in me, and he was unlikely to go around telling people about my lackluster libido. However, I could understand a boy not knowing how to respond to hearing about a girl’s sexual feelings.

“Uhh… I don’t get that. Like, I’m not desperately looking for someone to sleep with, nor am I in a rush to have sex, but I would like to have it eventually. When you’re in your thirties and living alone, will you really have no urge to find companionship that might also involve a physical aspect?”

“Why are you so fascinated by this? I don’t see how any of this helps your situation with Sasaki-san nor does it make my life better by being judged by my only male friend.”

“Sorry! I was genuinely curious to learn more about how you experience things differently than me. But since you brought her up, I think I’ll talk to her after school and see what she says. I’m sure she’ll tell you all about it regardless of what her answer is.”

With that, he happily walked away, thinking he had a totally normal conversation with the most awkward person in the world. The fact he thought that I would be able to help him was a testament to how dumb people could be.

The day seemed to go by faster than usual after my conversation with Sato-san. That was mostly due to my mind being on something I rarely ever thought about: sex. The conversation with Sato-san made me want to fully consider my views on the subject. While I knew for sure that I had no interest in it, I wanted to at least think more seriously about it.

The chief cause for my disinterest was the romantic element that was inherent in the act. However, even if I were to remove the romantic element, I was still opposed to it. The issue was the idea of touching a boy in that kind of way. The most interesting revelation that came from this introspection was that the same revulsion I had at the thought of a boy touching me wasn’t there when I considered a girl touching me.

What did this revelation indicate? The obvious conclusion was that I was a lesbian. However, it may have been more complicated than that. Being a lesbian meant I would have to be attracted to women, but I wasn’t attracted to anyone. In this hypothetical, the only person I could imagine ever agreeing to sleep with me was Sasaki-san, whom I wasn’t attracted to. Of course, I could acknowledge that she was an attractive person, but I didn’t want her to touch me.

Though… When I thought about more… Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if she did. It would certainly make her daily visits less annoying. She probably would’ve gotten carried away if I ever said that, but it’s not like I’d ever say anything to her. That wasn’t a sign that I was interested in dating her, not at all, it just meant that if emotion was divorced from the act, and I was open to the idea, I wouldn’t hate it if she touched me.

This revelation didn’t affect me much, just because I was more open to sexual acts with a woman than a man didn’t mean I was eager to experience it. In fact, it just gave me an excuse to care even less. Lesbians weren’t that common, and their relationships weren’t widely accepted, thus I had yet another excuse not to engage in that kind of relationship.

After school, instead of going home and listening to Sasaki-san brag about her new relationship, I decided to take advantage of Aoi-chan’s rare day off. We often hung out at a local cafe whenever we could, but it had been a while due to her busy schedule and the annoying gyaru that followed me around. However, she was off work and the gyaru was about to catch herself a boyfriend, so we finally had some time to ourselves.

We sat in the corner of the cafe, away from the window to avoid curious glances. This was mostly due to me being worried about Sasaki-san looking for me to share her big news as soon as Sato-san asked her out. It would’ve been old news to me, so it was better to avoid interruptions.

“So, Sato-san is finally going to ask that blonde dumbass out? I don’t get the appeal. She’s attractive but that’s about her only good quality.” Aoi-chan said as she sipped her tea.

“He likes her, that’s all that matters. Besides, she has more qualities than just her appearance. You may be a bit biased, Aoi-chan, you’ve never liked her so of course you would be against it.”

“She’s also annoying as hell and an airhead. Plus, she’s always hanging around you for some reason. But she and Sato-san seem to get along so whatever. Anyway, what’s new with you?” Aoi-chan was the kind of person that preferred to keep things straight and to the point, which I found refreshing compared to our classmates.

“Not too much. You know me, studying and reading are all I do. Mom is working longer than she should but refuses to let me help, as always. Oh, and I figured out I prefer girls but still don’t want a relationship.”

“Huh, isn’t that something. Can’t say I’m surprised; you’ve loathed men for most of your life. How did you even figure something like that out?”

Aoi-chan took the news a lot better than I was expecting she would. That’s not to suggest that I believed her to be homophobic, but she may have been shocked all the same. Finding out her best friend was a lesbian must have been quite the unexpected turn.

“After I talked with Sato-san this morning, I thought about what kind of person I would be attracted to. Once I took romance out of the equation and just focused on the physical elements, I discovered that I was more comfortable thinking about doing that stuff with a girl than with a guy. Like I said, I have no interest in pursuing such a relationship. But if it were to ever happen, I would prefer it to be with a woman. I have no clue how that would work, but it’s still better than the alternative.”

“Hmmm… You definitely pictured it to come to such a concrete conclusion. Alright, tell me who you imagined touching you,” she demanded, immediately seeing through my weak attempt to hide the fact.

“It was the first person who popped into my head when I thought about someone who would be willing to do such a thing with me. It’s not like I have feelings for her, but Sasaki-san was already on my mind because of Sato-san. Don’t read too much into it.” I was desperate for her not to overreact and make a big deal over my awkward thoughts.

“You too, eh? Did you like it? You said you were more comfortable with the idea but did you like thinking about her in the situation?”

Aoi-chan’s question stumped me. While it was true that I wasn’t repulsed by the idea of her touching me, did I enjoy it? It was hard to imagine something that I had never seen, let alone done before. It was an easy assumption to make that sex felt good, but I had no idea about anything like that.

“I don’t know. It’s hard to vividly picture something so unlikely to happen. One step at a time, Aoi-chan. It took this long for me to realize I prefer women, who knows how much time it’ll take before I figure out whether I would like something like that? Besides, why would it even matter? She’s dating Sato-san by now and I don’t want to deal with her any more than I am now.”

“You just don’t want to admit you have your first ever crush. Why did it have to be that weirdo? Seriously? A gyaru? Are you trying to be a stereotypical boy who wants to marry his mom?”

“That theory was disproved, idiot. I’m not attracted to her; it was just a hypothetical situation that was devoid of emotional and physical attraction. It was purely a thought experiment focused solely on her gender, not her appearance.”

She crossed her arms and stared at me with a skeptical look on her face. Why was it so unbelievable that I wouldn’t be interested in Sasaki-san’s looks? The whole point of the discussion was to inform her of my preferences, not what I was interested in pursuing.

“Is that so? So, in your thought experiment, did you think about her breasts or just the concept of breasts? How about her butt? Did you kiss her? Did you picture her bare thighs? Did you think about how her skin felt? Did you even think about what sex actually is?”

Aoi-chan’s specific questions made my mind short-circuit. Thinking of such intimate details made me want to dig a hole and declare myself deceased. She made me think of thighs! Sasaki-san’s soft, warm, pale buttocks! Such things were abhorrent for me to think about, let alone discuss.

My arms covered my head as I attempted to burrow into myself to escape her barrage of words. “Please, no more dirty words, I can’t handle such lewd language. Those things are too much for my brain to comprehend.”

“Too much for you, eh? You’re into girls but you can’t even imagine sucking the tits of a certified hottie. Do you even know how two girls have sex? You put your fingers into each other and lick that.”

“Ah! Stop! It’s too much for me!”

“Hmm… Now imagine Sato-san touching you.” Aoi-chan said with a completely straight face.

“...That’s so much worse. I feel disgusted.”

“It’s clear that prefer girls, that much is for sure. You were flustered because you were afraid of getting turned on as opposed to feeling disgusted when you thought of Sasaki-san’s thighs.” She triumphantly sipped her tea, thus concluding our uncomfortable experiment.

“Neither were particularly appealing, but one made me feel gross while the other was too much for me to process.”

“Because you find her unbelievably hot, right? It’s much too stimulating for you to imagine that sexy bod rubbing against yours.”

Aoi-chan was trying to get me to blush and it was working. She had finally found a crack in my anti-romance dam and was trying to exploit it for all she could.

“Just the mention of such a thing makes me want to die. Can we drop the subject and never discuss it again? Nothing about me has changed beyond knowing who I never want to date and who I never want to have sex with. Since I don’t intend to have sex with someone I’m not romantically involved with, the occasion shall never arise.”

“Ugh. Maybe in another seventeen years you’ll decide to go on your first date. It seems the only person who ever made you think about this stuff is about to date your friend.”

“Even if she wasn’t, nothing would ever happen between us. Let’s face it, we graduate in less than a year and then she’ll most likely move away. There’s no reason for us to have any kind of relationship beyond being neighbors.”

The unrealistic possibility of Sasaki-san and I ever progressing to anything beyond friends was something I had unfortunately considered. Beyond the inherent issues of being in a same-sex relationship, it would be a gigantic waste of time. If we got closer, then I would undoubtedly become emotionally invested in our relationship. However, as I told Aoi-chan, our relationship would be on a timer since we were both in high school.

Furthermore, she and I had very little in common. She may have been interested in a physical relationship, which I would be unable to provide. In addition to our clashing personalities, differences in future prospects and our divergent views of the world would cause strife within our theoretical relationship. There was just no realistic way we would be able to overcome all of those issues without some underlying resentment.

Resentment breeds discontent, and discontent leads to replacement. In other words: she would eventually look for someone who could fulfill her needs. It would only make sense that she would, and I would probably have similar thoughts. In the end, any relationship we could have would come to a natural conclusion.

Since I couldn’t foresee a situation in which we would be together forever, there was no point in pursuing her. Perhaps I was a pessimist, but I preferred not to exert energy unnecessarily on a predictable failure of a relationship. Preferably, our relationship would stay stagnant until one of us, probably her, moved away and we slowly fell out of touch.

Aoi-chan and I talked about classes and our future prospects for a couple hours before she needed to go home to help with dinner. Mom was going to be working late, so I had no reason to rush home. With that in mind, I decided to check out the bookstore to see if they had any books that would help me understand my recent discoveries.

The local bookstore that I visited was a comforting space. It was slightly musty, but it had the distinct scent of paper and leather, a combination that was unique to bookstores. Most of the time, I would look for nonfiction or popular novels, but I decided to deviate from my usual path to check out their manga and light novel section.

The bright colors and misleading cover art were annoying to look at. Every book that I picked up that had two girls on the cover turned out to be some kind of harem story. The other ones I found were much too raunchy for my tastes. Manga wasn’t something I had much experience with, so I decided to check out their light novels.

After a longer than anticipated search, I found a series of girl love that I believed would satiate my curiosity. It was about two girls who met in high school, and one was extremely awkward and obsessive while the other was aloof and emotionally detached. It looked like a slow progressing story that wasn’t overly physical in nature.

Once I purchased the first few books of the series, I headed home to make dinner for myself. Sasaki-san was probably out with Sato-san or screaming for joy in her apartment, so I didn’t need to worry about making anything for her. There was no chance that she would reject her crush, which would hopefully make her spend less time annoying me.

The sun was nearly completely hidden by the horizon by the time I arrived home. The days were getting longer as spring progressively grew warmer. In a few weeks it would be summer, and a month after that it would be summer break. The time between being a high schooler and entering the real world was growing shorter by the day. Soon, all of my friends would go on to pursue their dreams and I would stay exactly where I was.

It’s not like I had no ambitions or goals in life. However, I decided long ago that I would help Mom as soon as I could. She overworked herself for my sake and gave up on her own dreams. I thought that if I could take some of the pressure off of her, she may have been able to make up for that time she lost. Chasing after my dreams while Mom toiled away would be unconscionably selfish of me.

What I wanted to do with my life was something I could do without a degree. Cooking was fun and I liked to make people happy with my food. Ideally, I would go to vocational school for culinary arts and become a proper chef or patissier. However, I could work as a cook without any formal training and save up money to eventually get that training. 

A sudden pang of worry struck me as I chopped vegetables for my solo meal. There was a deep-rooted fear that one day Mom wouldn’t return because she worked herself too hard. One of the many reasons I wasn’t interested in romance was that it would take away from my time with Mom. There was no chance that I would leave Mom behind while I pursued a life of selfishness.

My mind had been made up for a long time: I was fine being alone.