The door flew open, and an elated Sasaki-san appeared in front of me. There was a huge smile on her face, and she was practically shaking from excitement. I knew she didn’t have friends, and that it was probably a long time since she went shopping with someone, but she seemed to be especially excited about our “date”.

“Sayaka-chan! You look so cute! I knew Tanaka-san would go all out, but I didn’t know it was possible to make you even cuter than you usually are!”

What did she mean by that? While she had told me a few times that she thought I was cute, it felt weird to hear her so excited about my altered appearance. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought she was interested in me as more than just a friend. However, I was careful not to take her compliments too seriously. Gyaru were known to be a lot more openly affectionate and complimentary of looks, so I couldn’t be swayed by her kind words.

“Don’t get carried away, I didn’t dress like this for you. You know how my mom is, she practically forced me to wear this stuff. We’re just shopping for our time at the beach, don’t go calling it a date.”

“Aww! But this is our first time going out anywhere together that isn’t school. Are you that opposed to going on a date with me?”

Her puppy dog eyes were deadly to look into! How was it possible for someone to be so outrageous yet so adorable? No matter how many times I told myself that she was just acting like a stereotypical gyaru, there was still a small part of me that hoped she was serious.

“Hmph. Like that would ever happen. Do you think I’d ever go out with someone as flamboyant and annoying as you?”

Deflection was my last refuge. It’s not like I could comment on her low-cut tank and how it was a struggle to keep my eyes off of her ample bosom. Or how her shorts showed off her thighs to an uncomfortable degree, and that they accentuated her buttocks. Nor could I tell her that her wavy blond hair and bright purple nails were really pretty despite being things I’d never do myself. Mom was right, my mind had been poisoned by love, which must have been why I had such a perverted gaze.

“But Sayaka-chan, you told me that you liked me the way that I am and that I shouldn’t change myself for others. Are you saying I need to change how I dress and act so you can be seen with me?”

Damn it! I’d gone and made her upset by accident! By trying to act like my usual aloof self, I ended up offending her by implying that I didn’t like being seen with her! Gyah! This whole secret love thing was a lot more difficult to hide than I originally thought. How could I tell her that I really liked how she was without giving myself away!?

“Come on, let’s just go to the mall. By the way, it’s not like I want you to change, nor am I embarrassed to be seen with you. It’s just that you bring a lot of attention to yourself, and I’m not used to people looking at me. Your looks and your attitude, while annoying, aren’t things I want you to change, especially for me. If you ever feel like you want to change yourself, I’d support that, but not because I think you need to change. I’d be fine if you were to stay as you are, but I don’t want you to be afraid of changing because you don’t want to lose my friendship. Unfortunately for you, you’re stuck with me until you move away.”

That should cover all my bases, I thought to myself. I don’t think that statement of reassurance will give my true feelings for her away, and it should pacify her insecurities for now.

Just as I was about to turn away to head down the stairs, Sasaki-san ambushed me with a suffocating hug! It was as if she was trying to smother me to death with her chest! Though… I suppose there were worse ways to die. If I were to die by unnatural causes, death by boob was probably the best way to go out.

“You’re so cute, Sayaka-chan! I knew you liked me just the way I am! You were just acting like a tsundere, weren’t you? Are you too shy to say that you like me the way I am?”

Near death, I futilely pushed out of her bosom and gasped for breath. It didn’t matter how tantalizing they were; her breasts were dangerous! If her plan was to use oxygen deprivation to calm me to submission, then she had succeed beyond her wildest dreams. However, one thing became glaringly clear to me; I was, in fact, turned on the previous night. Luckily, it wasn’t bad enough this time around to cause my nose to leak.

“S-shut up! Let’s just get this shopping trip over with,” I rebutted as I bashfully hid my blushing cheeks. “Mom got me all dressed up for this, so it’d be a waste to spend all day bickering here.”

Hurriedly, I headed down the stairs and attempted to bring my focus back to our shopping trip and away from her chest. Damn the gyaru proclivity for friendly skinship! This shopping trip was already off to an inauspicious start, and I couldn’t afford a repeat of the previous evening. As long as I solely focused on the primary goal of our shopping outing then I’d be able to survive the day.

“Wait up, Sayaka-chan,” Sasaki-san called after me. “Don’t get too far ahead of me!”

My mind was only paying half attention to what Sasaki-san was saying. The other half was preoccupied with trying to think of what kind of swimsuit I should look for. Knowing her, Sasaki-san was bound to try to convince me to wear some kind of flashy and skimpy bikini, as if I had the body for that kind of thing. Ideally, I would find a basic swimsuit that didn’t make me look like a junior high student, but also didn’t attract too much attention. A basic one-piece would be perfect for me, but I was worried that the gyaru in tow would try to push my limits.

I was so lost in thought that it took me a moment to notice the strange heat radiating from my left hand. It was such an unusual occurrence that I could hardly comprehend what was happening. At some point, she had intertwined her fingers with mine and was holding my hand. Gyaru girls were scary! Their penchant for skinship was something I would never be able to get used to. It was too easy to get the wrong idea, but it’s not like I could say that to her.

“Is there a reason you’re holding my hand,” I asked, trying my hardest not to allow my emotions to run rampant.

“The streets can get pretty busy this time of day, and I don’t want us to get separated. You’re so cute, someone may try to snatch you up if I look away for a second,” she said without a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

“Eh? I’m not too sure about that, especially when you’re next to me. You tend to attract a lot of attention, Sasaki-san.”

“Eh? Really? That’s weird. Now that I think about it, I don’t get hit on as much these days. Perhaps the rumors of me being a slut have spread further than I thought.”

My teeth grinded in anger at the mention of those damned rumors. Those bastards didn’t even bother getting to know her before judging her. Some jerk who didn’t like that Sasaki-san dumped him had ruined her social life, and no one questioned the validity of his statements. If we had known each other back then, I’d have made sure she wasn’t alone for those two years.

Thinking back on how I subtly judged her when I cleaned her room for her owning a few sexual things made me upset with myself. Even if I didn’t think it explicitly, I assumed that she was promiscuous because she owned those things. Condoms didn’t necessarily mean she was having sex; she may not have even bought them for all I knew. Since I met her, she hadn’t talked to a boy other than Sato-san, nor had anyone ever visited her at home.

“Hm? Why do you look so angry, Sayaka-chan?”

“It pisses me off to think that people treat you like you’re subhuman. For them to avoid you because of something like that is so stupid! Why does any of that stuff even matter!? Even if you were as the rumors say, why would that make you undeserving of friends or love!? If they knew the real you, none of them would treat you this way!”

“Hm? What makes you think that this is the real me,” Sasaki-san asked, ending my rampage with a single question.

“This is the only version of you that I know, but I suppose you could have changed yourself at some point to fit in.”

“If that were the case, would you still want to be friends with me? I guess I’m asking; would you still want to be friends if I weren’t a flamboyant gyaru?”

“Huh? Do you think that’s the reason I spend time with you? Preferably, I’d like to learn about the “real” you. Besides, do you think you can erase the entirety of your genuine self just by dressing in revealing clothing? Even if you aren’t naturally annoying and flashy, you didn’t pretend to be the kind and caring person I know you to be. While I may think the gyaru version of you is nice, if you don’t want to be a gyaru, you should just do whatever makes you happiest, because that would make me happy as well.”

Even though I was trying to comfort and assure her of my sincerity, I still had to choose my words carefully. If I wasn’t careful, I’d say something that would make it obvious that my feelings for her were well beyond those of friendship. Her question did stump me for a moment though. The way she phrased it made it sound like she was admitting to something as opposed to asking. If that were the case, what was the “real” her, and why did she feel the need to change into a gyaru?

Not everyone chooses to be a gyaru because of some kind of innate love for fashion and being trendy, some feel like it’s the only way to fit in. Mom was a true gyaru; she adored fashion, she loved being trendy and going to the popular hangout spots, and she liked being her authentic self without worrying about conforming to society’s expectations for a young girl. But some gyaru were just trying to fit in, and doing their makeup and being loud was easier than trying to fit in as their normal selves.

A flood of questions rushed through my brain like a roaring river. Was Sasaki-san just pretending to be a gyaru? If so, then why? What made her feel the need to alter her entire personality to become something she thought people would like? How did she act before she decided to change? Why didn’t she revert back to her original personality once it became a hinderance to continue being a gyaru?

No matter what the answers to those questions were, I’d still want to be with her in some way. If she felt like she wasn’t being her authentic self, then I’d want to see that side of her. No matter how much I liked the way she looked and how she dressed, my feelings weren’t founded on her physical appearance alone. Maybe I’d fall even more in love with her once she opened up to me, but I doubt my feelings for her would have disappeared entirely.

“You’re such a sweetheart, Sayaka-chan. I’m glad that you don’t care about stuff like that. Y’know, that’s why I valued our friendship, even when we weren’t talking. Things like fashion and keeping up with trends don’t matter to you. You’re the only one who saw me as a person and not just an entity to be avoided.”

Even though her words were kind and sincere, and even though she acknowledged that I saw her differently, something about what she said hurt. A strange aching in my heart. It started out as a sudden stab, as if it were ripped out from my chest, but it settled into a constant feeling of dull pain. It wasn’t until I replayed what she said that I realized what it was that caused such an unusual reaction.

When I spoke with Mom earlier that morning, I said that I didn’t want to change my relationship with Sasaki-san. It wasn’t the first time I said that, in fact I repeated that over and over in my head a million times. Why then was I so hurt when Sasaki-san said she valued my “friendship”? Had I just been telling myself that I didn’t want more because it was easier than admitting that I did? Perhaps my love was doomed from the start, even so, there was a part of me that couldn’t accept that to be true.

If Sasaki-san didn’t move away after graduation, what would I do? The excuse I kept giving myself for not pursuing anything further with her was because I believed her moving away was an inevitability. But if that didn’t happen, if she stayed exactly where she was, what would my excuse be then?

The obvious answer would be not wanting to change the relationship we had. Wanting to preserve what we had wasn’t inherently wrong, but would that really make me happy? Would I be able to get over my feelings if I had to see her on a regular basis? Hiding my emotions would eventually become burdensome and borderline impossible. One day, perhaps years after graduation, I wouldn’t be able to hold in my feelings any longer and they’d come spilling out in a pathetic display of desperation.

There was another possibility that was even more painful to imagine: what if she began dating? Would I be able to sit back and watch the girl I loved fall head over heels for someone else? Would I be able to hang out with her and her partner without needing to hold in my tears the whole time? We shared a wall, and even the idea of hearing her being with someone made me sick to my stomach. Love was new to me, and the urge to keep her all to myself was becoming increasingly unbearable. However, I couldn’t force my feelings onto her, and I couldn’t do anything that would give away my true feelings for her.

The rest of the walk to the mall was spent in silence. Every so often, I saw Sasaki-san glance over at me with worry painted on her face. It was to be expected. After saying such a kind thing, it must have been strange not to hear anything in response. For the first time in a while, I was thankful for the summer heat, because she wouldn’t be suspicious of my sweaty palms.

Our city actually had two shopping malls: one modern indoor structure and one older open-air shopping mall. The mall that Sasaki-san went to after her movie date with Sato-san was the open-air one, because it was closer to the cinema. The mall we were going to was the modern one.

The mall was a multilevel shopping center a short distance from the Sagami River. It was an objectively impressive place, especially considering the size of our city. The clean white and gray floor tiles, the bright LED lighting, and the zigzagging escalators made me feel like I stepped into a trendy shop in the Ginza District.

“Should we start at the top and work our way down, or the other way around,” Sasaki-san asked, breaking the odd silence that had settled in between us.

“Umm… I’m not too sure what stores we’re going to, so I don’t have much of an opinion.”

“Well, why don’t we start on the first level? There are a few shops that I like on this level.”

She pulled me along behind her, still refusing to let go of my hand. There was something incredibly charming about her holding onto my hand so dearly. It was a strange paradox for me. Not only did I enjoy holding her hand because it gave me a small connection to her, but I was also slightly sad because it felt like a false hope of something more.

“Hey, don’t you think it’s a bit weird for us to be holding hands still? Like, don’t you think some people may get the wrong idea?”

“Why would I care what other people think,” she laughed.

Her smile was captivating, and her laugh filled me with a warmth. Since when did I become so influenced by her emotions? Being the one to make her smile made me feel a little special, and I couldn’t help but feel slightly possessive, because I wanted to be the only one to make her smile like that. My emotions had been pent up and repressed for so long, that everything about being with her was overwhelming. Once the dam of my feelings broke, they all came rushing out. Not too long ago, I would never have imagined that my heart would be racing because of the person I was with. But back then, I didn’t know Sasaki-san.

My mind came back to the present when she tugged me into a nearby store. It was a run-of-the-mill trendy fashion shop, with an array of styles that catered to a wide range of people. That being said, I didn’t exactly have a style, per se. In fact, I typically just threw on whatever I had because I wanted to be comfortable while doing the housework and my class assignments. As such, I had no clue what kind of clothes would look good on me, nor was I eager to find out.

“Do you see anything that catches your eye,” Sasaki-san inquired as she lazily perused the racks of bikinis. At some point she had released my hand from her grip, which I was only slightly saddened by.

“Umm, I’m not really sure. I’ve never shopped at this kind of store before. I typically get my clothes from thrift stores or whatever is cheapest. Since I haven’t grown much since junior high, I’ve only replaced what was worn out.”

“Today is on me, so don’t worry about money. I’m the one forcing you to get a swimsuit, it’s only fair that I buy it for you. Just try to find something you like.”

It was probably useless to argue with her, so I didn’t bother protesting. Besides, it’s not like I was swimming in cash. A single swimsuit would probably wipe out my pocket money, which I preferred to save for the beach.

“Alright… How about this,” I asked as I pointed at a red one-piece that had a flower pattern.

“Uhh, that’d be alright, I suppose. But maybe you should check out some other options.”

With that response, I immediately took that one-piece out of contention. If she reacted like that to it on the rack, then I shuddered to think of how she’d respond to seeing me in such a suit. Since I was a fashion dunce, I’d need to learn on the fly what was acceptable. Deferring to Sasaki-san’s opinion was my best option, especially because she was the only one whose opinion I cared about.

“Do you think I’d look good in this,” Sasaki-san asked, taking my attention away from the racks of suits.

My brain nearly imploded at the sight of the bikini she was holding up. It was pale pink with bows on the bottom near the hips and the top had a bow front that made it somehow more attractive. Just seeing it next to her made me sweat, which I suppose meant I liked it. However, I couldn’t afford to let my guard drop.

“Yeah, probably,” I mumbled dismissively.

“Then I’ll get this one! I might as well get a few so I don’t need to wash it every day.”

It was just the beginning of my torture. The prospect of seeing her in dozens of bikinis would surely be my downfall. She was unknowingly frying my poor brain with her innate beauty and disregard for subtlety.

“Hey, Sayaka-chan, are you alright? Your face is all red?”

“Y-yeah. I’m just a bit hot still from the walk here,” I lied. “Oh, this is a nice one.”

The random swimsuit I pointed out was not at all what I thought it was! At some point, I had moved past the one-piece section and wandered into the area with more exotic looks. To make things worse, the one I singled out was some kind of monokini that basically just covered the necessities and everything else was exposed. Not only that, but it was also not made for someone with my kind of body.

“Eh? Really? Are you choosing for me or for you? Not that I don’t think you would great in it, but I didn’t think you were interested in that style.”

“Ah. Yes. I was thinking you’d look good in it. Please, do you think someone with my body could pull off something like that?”

She had given me the perfect way out and I was going to take it! While it was weird for me to pick out such a skimpy option for a friend, it was significantly better than trying to play it off like I was interested in wearing such a thing.

“That wasn’t what I was trying to imply, Sayaka-chan,” she said in a very serious tone. “We have different body types, so I don’t see the point in comparing. Would you be uncomfortable with me wearing a bikini while you wear a one-piece? Please tell me, because I don’t want to do anything to make you feel that way.”

Why did it sound like she was really worried about me? Was she actually serious about what she said? Would she really wear a one-piece just because it could make me self-conscious to be next to her in a bikini?

“Huh? I don’t care what you wear,” I explained while holding my emotions in check. “Forget it. We should choose what we like and not worry about what the other is doing, alright?”

“Yup,” she blurted out having perked back up. “Since you picked this one out, I’ll try it on. How about you search the one-piece racks and I’ll stay over here? That way neither of us are influenced by the other!”

“Sure, let’s do that.”

It was a fair compromise, and one that allowed me to save myself from the embarrassment of seeing her try on bikinis. However, I was slowly becoming aware of how awkward our conversations had been since the night before. The walk to the mall was made uncomfortable because of the topic of her “real” self and now shopping was weird because I acted insecure. The whole “date” had been a mess and totally awkward. There was no way that she was enjoying herself, despite how excited she was earlier that morning.

Ever since I became aware of my feelings, and made the decision to stop running from her, I had been making a fool of myself. If I were Sasaki-san, I’d be confused by my fluctuating behavior around her. One moment I would act like my normal emotionless self, the next I would be a bumbling idiot, and the moment after that I acted distant and scared. Being in love was harder than I thought, and it was becoming increasingly obvious that something was wrong with me.

At the rate I was going, I would be a puddle of hormonal goo by the end of our time at the beach. There was no way out of my current condition. Avoiding her didn’t work, but things had only gotten worse since we started talking again. But I doubted that I could avoid her a second time and not lose her forever. The only options were to try to power through my emotions and stay with her as friends, or never talk to her again and hope that my feelings would eventually subside.

The thought of the second option was enough to nearly bring me to tears. What was wrong with me!? Why did I have to fall in love with Sasaki-san!? Why was I dreading the day she moved away for college!? Why did I desperately want to throw my arms around her and beg her to stay? Why did I simultaneously wish I never met her and that she would return my feelings? Why did it hurt when I imagined her rejecting my feelings? Why did I love her so much?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sky was a beautiful mix of orange and purple when we left the mall. A gentle breeze took the edge off the summer heat, and the setting sun gave promise to the coolness of night. The nearby river aided in its efforts, however the humidity that hung in the air betrayed its intentions.

The shopping trip with Sasaki-san was largely uneventful after my emotional upheaval in the one-piece section. My body felt numb, and my brain was on autopilot, yet somehow that allowed me to act normally around her. The emotional crisis I had experienced wasn’t Sasaki-san’s fault, she didn’t make me fall in love with her, but she was the one who felt the brunt of my uneasy mind.

If being with her meant feeling like this all the time, then it was worth it. Being numb and with the person I loved was preferable to being alone and wallowing in pain. Falling in love with her was my biggest regret, yet I never wanted to lose that feeling. Never before had I loved someone the way I loved her, and I didn’t want to fall for anyone else. Perhaps I was an idealist, or maybe just a hopeless romantic, but I didn’t want my first love to end in pain. Preferably, my first love would be my last love, regardless of the outcome.

“Hey, Sayaka-chan, can I ask you something,” Sasaki-san investigated as we walked the quiet streets back home.

“Yeah? Why would you ask that instead of just asking your question?”

Being a snarky tsundere came naturally to me apparently, but it wasn’t intentional. It was just the only way I could pretend to be okay.

“You asked me a while ago why I was studying so much, right? What I said wasn’t a lie, per se, I do want to keep my options open. I was going to wait until after we took entrance exams, but I don’t think I can wait that long. The reason I’ve been studying so much is so I can go wherever you end up. Maybe I’m an idiot, but I don’t want to graduate and never see you again. If you decide to stay home and work, I can go to a local school, so I wouldn’t need to move. If you decide to go to college, then I need to have high enough scores to go with you. If that does happen, would you want to be roommates?”

The amount of information she dumped on me was staggering. Did she really value me that much? She was going through all that work for me, even while I was ignoring her. If that was the case, then how did she really feel about me? Was she that desperate to keep me as a friend or did she want to be more than that? If she kept this up, I’d get the wrong idea.

“Umm, sure,” I numbly responded. “I wasn’t aware that I was that important to you. But, uh, why bring this up today?”

“I know you’ve been holding yourself back because you’re afraid that I’ll leave once we graduate. I’m doing what I can to ensure that I won’t leave, so please don’t distance yourself from me.”

“I don’t understand. Am I really worth all that effort?”

“Yes, because I -,” she started to shout something, but held back and clenched her fists. “You’re the first person to accept me fully and see me as more than the gal I present myself as. No one has ever told me that I shouldn’t change to fit it, nor that they wanted to know the me behind the makeup. If studying is all it takes to keep you in my life, then it’s well worth the effort.”

“Well… Alright. If you think of me that way, then I can’t really argue with you. But it’s good that you told me before we took our exams. This way we can apply to the same schools, or at least nearby schools. It’d really suck if I got into a school in a city that you didn’t even look for schools in. And I suppose it would be better to live with someone I know as opposed to a stranger.”

Somehow, I was able to keep my composure relatively easily. Maybe it was the reassurance that there wasn’t a limit to our time together, or perhaps it gave me a little more hope that she could fall for me too someday. There was something comforting about knowing that she saw me as more than just a normal friend. If it meant I could stay by her side, maybe being roommates wouldn’t be so bad.

A huge smile spread across her lips, and I was suddenly wrapped in a tight embrace. If she had done this in the morning when I was freaking out, I’d have gone crazy about the fact our breasts were touching. While her body was visually irresistible, the thing I loved most about her was her warmth, which was the only thing I felt as she held me in her arms.

If I had one wish, I would have stopped time so that I could enjoy that moment for just a little longer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Message from the author:

And there's part 2, right on schedule!

The next chapter will hopefully be out in a week, so keep an eye out for it! I hope you're all enjoying reading this series as much as I'm enjoying writing it.