“Do you feel comfortable with the menu,” Himari-san, asked.

After five hours of working with Himari-san, I was finally done with training. Ice cream was more complicated than I thought, and there were an excessive number of combinations. Fortunately, I was good at memorizing, plus my talent for cooking came in handy for remembering recipes.

“Yeah, I think I got it. It’s not too hard once you know what you’re doing.”

“You’re a fast learner. Unlike someone else that I know,” she mumbled.

“Are you talking about Touka-san or Sasaki-san? Both of them could fit that description.”

“Touka. She can be a real airhead sometimes, and she’s easily distracted. It was her dream to open a beachside store, yet I ended up being the one to make that dream a reality.”

“Excuse me for asking, but if she bothers you that much, why do you stay with her? Isn’t she being selfish by letting you make her dreams come true at the expense of your own?”

The intent of my question wasn’t to be rude; I was genuinely curious about why she was with someone she only complained about. I didn’t doubt her feelings for Touka-san, but I wanted to know what it was that made her keep loving her despite all of the things she disliked about her.

“Ugh. Unfortunately, I love her. There’s no real rational explanation for it, I just do. While she annoys the hell out of me sometimes, at the end of the day she makes me happy. Her dreams are my dreams, because we’re in this together.”

“Is that so,” I muttered, unsure how to respond to her explanation.

“Instead of asking about my relationship, maybe you should tell me what’s really going on,” Himari-san insinuated.

“I don’t have a good impression of relationships; in my experience they just cause hardships. That’s why I can’t really understand what you’re saying. I associate love with fear and hurt, so I never understood why people continue to seek it out.”

“I see. There’s nothing I can say that’ll override your past experience, but maybe you could tell me why you’re interested in something that you ostensibly hate.”

It didn’t take long for me to realize that Himari-san was extremely observant, unlike her partner and her partner’s niece. There was something about her that made it easy to talk about things I typically wouldn’t with a stranger. Perhaps it was because she reminded me of myself; a serious and hardworking girl interested in their aloof and boisterous counterpart. Or perhaps it was because she didn’t seem the type to gossip and judge people for their emotions.

It was at that moment that I realized we were standing in a public ice cream shop surrounded by sprinkles, various syrups, and fruit. Such a place was not the appropriate venue for a personal discussion. There was no guarantee that Sasaki-san wouldn’t show up out of nowhere and overhear me talking about something I was telling Himari-san in confidence.

“There’s no need to tell me right now; you’ll be here for a while so there’s no need to rush. Maybe you’ll think a bit more about why you were interested in my relationship with Touka,” Himari-san abdicated to my silence.

We went about closing the shop for the night, taking things to the large walk-in freezer and prepping what we could in advance for the next day. Touka-san had spent the morning shift training Sasaki-san, and then took her shopping once we switched shifts, so I hadn’t seen my friend for most of the day. That was probably for the best though, as was us working separately.

Something came over me the previous night and I found myself reaching out to Sasaki-san. There was a strange feeling of comfort that came from holding her hand. Never before had I experienced the urge to touch someone because I wanted to feel their warmth. However, I didn’t know how embarrassing it was to succumb to that urge. Before I knew it, I was holding her hand, and I couldn’t think of a good excuse to let go of it without making things more awkward. Instead, I decided to pretend it wasn’t a big deal or that it never happened.

Fortunately, we had separate rooms, and she let me take a shower before her so I could cool off to hide my blushing face. She didn’t say anything about it, and she didn’t seem to be bothered by it. That was because she was used to holding my hand and wasn’t opposed to skinship. Curiously, despite wanting to pretend like nothing happened, I was slightly upset because she didn’t acknowledge my small show of affection. She probably didn’t think much of it because she didn’t see me that way.

Before I knew it, we had finished cleaning and were ready to end the workday. All that meant for me was that I no longer had an excuse to avoid Sasaki-san. Himari-san had plans with Touka-san, so I really had nothing I could use to evade being alone with Sasaki-san.

“Don’t overthink things,” Himari-san advised. “If you want to be with someone, then you shouldn’t deny it or decide how they feel in order to avoid the subject. You don’t need to confess, but you should enjoy the time you have with that person.”

“Why are you telling me that,” I asked, pretending that I didn’t know exactly what she was saying.

“Things change, Sayaka-chan. You can’t avoid it. The more you pretend like they don’t, the harder it’ll be for you to acknowledge that it’s too late. Goodnight, Sayaka-chan.”

The words hung in the air as she walked home, unmoved by our discussion. Somehow, she was able to see through me and address things I was most scared of. Despite never actually saying them out loud, she seemed to answer my questions as they arose.

At first, I was excited for this trip because I’d spend it with my crush and make some extra money. But suddenly I wanted nothing more than to continue my conversation with Himari-san. There was so much that I wanted to know, and I felt like she was someone who could help me find the answers. The next few weeks were hopefully going to change me, but I didn’t yet know what I wanted to change.

When I entered the upstairs apartment, I didn’t look in Sasaki-san’s direction. Instead, I went straight to my room to change out of my work clothes and to continue my internal ruminations. She would be of no help to me at that time, so I felt no need to talk to her.

Just then, my phone began to buzz. It was unexpected, and extremely rare that anyone called me. Mom was working evenings for the whole time I was away, so it couldn’t have been her. That only left one person who would actually want to talk to me.

“Hey, Aoi-chan,” I answered without ever looking at the caller ID.

“How’s the trip been so far? Have you have a chance to see her body yet? Have you gone to the beach? You’ve got to take pictures of you in your swimsuit for me,” she rambled excitedly.

“Aoi-chan, can you do something for me?”

“Huh? Sure, what’s up?”

“Please stop hating Sasaki-san. My feelings for her aren’t going to stop just because you want them to. She’s actually a really sweet person, and not at all how you think she is. There are things I want to tell you, and so much I want to ask you, but I can’t because you don’t like the person I love.”

It was long overdue, but I needed to make sure she understood my feelings for Sasaki-san. The toll it had on me, my best friend constantly badmouthing the girl I loved, had become exhausting. Unlike me, she had bought into the rumors wholeheartedly, which was unfair and infuriating. She had been my friend since my first year of junior high, and I didn’t want to lose her, but I couldn’t deny my feelings either.

“Okay. Tell me what she’s really like, I hardly know her, and I recognize that’s on me. Since you feel that strongly about her, I’ll put aside my preconceptions and learn about who she really is.”

“Huh? You agreed that easily,” I questioned in disbelief.

“Uh, yeah. If she’s the person you love, then as your friend it’s my job to support that. You’d never stick up for someone you didn’t truly care about. So, tell me about her.”

“Umm… She’s very thoughtful and she really cares about me. Like, she ended her date with Sato-san early because she heard I was sick and wanted to be by my side. She also gets along with Mom, and she helps out when she can. She’s studying extra hard because she wants to stay with me regardless of what I decide to do after graduation. And she said she wants to live with me if we end up going to school in a different city. I don’t know, whenever I’m with her I just feel comfortable and warm.”

“Heho! You’re really smitten with her, aren’t you? But, like, why aren’t you going out yet?”

That was a more difficult question than she intended, but I knew she had good intentions. Aoi-chan was nothing if not sincere. If she said she was going to accept Sasaki-san and support our relationship, she was going to do just that. She could be harsh and snarky, but she truly cared about me. Which was why I wanted her to get along with Sasaki-san.

“I don’t know if she’d be interested in dating a girl, let alone one like me. Also, I’m scared to get into a relationship because I don’t know if she’ll eventually hurt me. Despite how great I think she is now, maybe one day she’ll change, and I’d be trapped with her. And also… I’m not sure what being in a relationship would actually be like for us.”

Having thought about the scenario more than a few times, I realized that I had no idea how to be in a relationship. Setting the physical stuff to the side, I wasn’t the best at communicating my thoughts, nor did I have particularly interesting hobbies that we could bond over. The only things I was good at were cooking and studying, neither of which were conducive to romantic conversations.

This brought up the main issue: how would our relationship change? The obvious difference would be the support and comfort of a partner and touching. My urges when I saw her notwithstanding, I wasn’t sure if I was comfortable with her touching me. While it was true that I got “turned on” when discussing her body, there was a difference between fantasy and reality.

“Okay, but those just sound like excuses to avoid the topic. In my opinion, she obviously likes you. Whether or not she likes you in a romantic way is still unclear, especially since gyaru are known to be more openly affectionate. However, if she values you so much that she’s studying for weeks to ensure she can be with you in the future, I doubt she’d react negatively to your feelings. Do you seriously think she’d ask you to live with her but then get creeped out by you confessing to her?”

“That’s true, I suppose. But even so, I’m not sure if it’s what I want right now. The most pressing thing at the moment is preparing for entrance exams and looking for jobs. Getting into a relationship would just distract me from that stuff.”

“Okay, if you use that logic, when would be the right time? After you graduate, you’ll either start a job right away or go to school. So, you’d need to wait until both of your lives were stable, which could be a few years. Oh, but then being an adult comes with its own challenges. Then you’ll tell yourself that you’re not financially stable, or your work makes it hard to date, or you have a new goal you’re working towards, and it will have to wait. Look, I’m not saying you should ask her out today, or even that you need to do it any time soon, but you can’t use that kind of excuse to justify not taking that next step.”

Damn. Aoi-chan was always able to call me out on my bullshit, even the stuff that I convinced myself of being true. Ironically, it was that same ability that made me want to talk to her about the subject in the first place. She always knew how to get to the root of the issue instead of dancing around it for the sake of my feelings. Sometimes her words could hurt, but the truth can be hard to hear sometimes.

“You’re right… I’m not ready to confess to her, and maybe I’ll never be, but that’s just because I’m scared. It has nothing to do with the timing or our compatibility, I just don’t want to be hurt by the person I thought I could trust the most. Until I can overcome that fear, I don’t think I can be in a relationship with her.”

“Fair enough, and I’m sure you have a reason to feel that way, but I won’t push you to share it. However, do you have an idea of how you’ll get past that concern? Is there anything she could do that would convince you that she’d never hurt you?”

That was a fair question, and one that had been stewing in the back of my mind for weeks. Never before had I thought that I’d entertain the idea of involving myself with someone romantically, so I never had to think how someone could earn enough of my trust to feel comfortable dating them. It’s not like I could quantify the abstract idea of trust, so I wasn’t sure how I’d measure my level of trust in someone.

Aoi-chan had been my friend for over seven years, and there were still things I wasn’t comfortable sharing with her. Other than my mom, she was probably the person I trusted the most. Time and consistency felt like the best way for someone to earn my trust, but it was hard to give a limit because of my feelings for Sasaki-san. The idea of waiting five years or more before admitting my feelings for her made my stomach turn.

“I’m not sure, to be honest. My heart is telling me to open myself up to her and forget about the past. Meanwhile, my brain is constantly reminding me of the thing that made me scared in the first place. Following my heart would open me up to hurt, but following my brain would just be allowing the past to have control over my life and continue to haunt me. The worst thing about it is that Sasaki-san is a really great person, and I now know that I love her, and I want to be with her, not just now but in the future as well. But I’m unable to take that first step because I’m paralyzed by fear and doubt.”

“Hehe, it’s kinda fun to hear you talk about this stuff. I never knew you had such a cute side, Sayaka-chan. I can’t help you with your internal struggle, only you can decide what you want to do, but I’m always here for you. She’s clearly special to you, so I’m cheering for you two, and I’ll help however I can.”

“Thanks, Aoi-chan, it really means a lot to have your support. I’ve got to go, but I’ll fill you in on everything soon.”

Our call ended with us exchanging goodbyes, and I was suddenly sitting alone in the quiet darkness of my room. Talking with Aoi-chan had gotten a lot of my concerns off my chest, and I had a better understanding of my feelings. When I walked out that door, I could look at Sasaki-san without feeling flustered and I could keep my cool no matter what she said. There was no need to rush my feelings, and there was no point in getting embarrassed over her teasing. Being with her was what I wanted, but it wasn’t necessary to struggle with my feelings.

“Hey, what do you want for din-,” my voice trailed off and my eyes doubled in size at the sight in front of me. All the confidence I had about being able to hold back my emotions was immediately thrown out the window.

“Ah! Sorry! I thought you were taking a nap before dinner, so I took a shower,” Sasaki-san cried out as she covered herself with a towel. “Don’t get mad, Sayaka-chan… Your nose is bleeding!”

“Yeah. That sounds about right,” I mumbled having yet to blink since I stepped out of my room. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the restroom.”

My feet moved as if they were stuck in concrete and my brain had long stopped functioning. For the first time in my life, I had incontrovertible proof that I was, in fact, into girls. Even if it was for just a second, I had seen something that I had purposely avoided thinking about.

The worst thing about the situation was that I liked what I saw. Another first occurred that day which was equally embarrassing: I had perverted thoughts about someone. In the safety of the bathroom, I stuffed my nose with rolled tissues, and replayed the scene in my head. There was no way I could wait seven years to see them again.

“Geez, what’s wrong with me,” I muttered under my breath as I attempted to regain my composure. “I have the same thing, so why did they have such an effect on me?”

After taking another minute to recover from the shock, I took a deep breath and ventured back out to the living area. Had I known from the beginning that leaving my room came with such risks, I would’ve never left my room for the entirety of the trip. The thought of her in a bikini had been bad enough, but now that seemed tame in comparison to what I witnessed.

“I am so sorry, Sayaka-chan! I honestly thought you were sleeping, and I just sat down for a minute,” Sasaki-san hastily spewed her explanation.

“Let’s just move on from it before it gets any more awkward than it already is. What do you want to do for dinner?”

In some kind of miracle, I had been able to compose myself enough to play it off like I had only been embarrassed. The chances of her trying something explicitly romantic were slim to none, so I was in the clear for the rest of the night at least. If she had tried something, I would have either fainted from shock or given in to my lewd desires. It was one of the few times that I thanked the heavens that Sasaki-san hadn’t caught on to my feelings.

The only thing I could do was pretend it never happened and move on with our night. Switching the topic to food was the ideal escape, especially because I was extremely hungry after working for hours and the blood loss I had just experienced.

“I was thinking we could try out some of the local specialties. Enoshima don is really good, as is Shirasu donburi if you’re in the mood for seafood. Well, we’re by the sea, so most of the fresh food around here will be seafood.”

Sasaki-san had quickly recovered from what must have been an equally embarrassing moment. The ability to switch right from apologizing for accidentally exposing herself to discussing the fishy delicacies of the area was enviable. Our short-term living situation did not bode well for me if we were to ever live together as roommates. Seeing the girl I was in love with walking around in her underwear on a regular basis would melt my poor brain.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” I coldly replied. “Let’s go, I’m starving.”

“Right… Do you want to do what we did last night,” a blushing Sasaki-san suggested.

“Not a chance,” I stated firmly and walked past the petrified gyaru.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Message from the author:

The beach arc is officially underway! So much has happened already and they haven't even hit the beach yet! Just how much angst can these girls endure!? This beach trip will definitely progress their relationship, but also create new issues for the frustrating pair!