I guess this is what happens when you fly higher than anyone else, you miss the wind that lifts you up and lets you fly above all those below. I am bitter, I am hurt but most of all I miss my board, I miss the life I had. There are skaters that hang around at the back of the school I sometimes see them trying basic tricks. Most of them can’t even ollie let alone do a kickflip. Some part of me wants to just be able to show them how it is done, maybe even teach them and share the hobby. Show them how far they can go and what it is like to glide along a surface before landing on the wheels again. Honestly, I doubt they will ever manage much and yet I am jealous that they can try.

Jealousy is an awful thing, I start watching them in my afternoon breaks. Every single one I just sit at a distance resting my legs and watching them. Rumours go around I have a crush on one of the skaters, they aren’t even skaters just wannabes and yet I wish I could fall down like they can, wipe myself off and try again. I miss the days I just could fall down without much at stake, not like catching the landing badly and then-

No, don’t think of it, focus on the now. I am fine, I will be fine and after I am done with my basic education I will live a quiet life. The quiet life keeps me going where I have finished growing up and no one will ever recognise me again, I will just have a name that people have forgotten and it won’t matter any more.

“So who are you watching?” a girl asks me.

“No one really, they all suck,” I reply, I saw so much better that it doesn’t impress me, it is just a lingering jealousy that I can’t get rid of.

“Well considering how long you have been watching you must have something you are after from them,”

“Just thinking of the past and being jealous of what they can do,”

“Because of your injuries?”

“Yes, because I use to skate a lot,” oh shit why did I let that slip out, I had hidden it so well.

“That’s cool I guess, must suck to not be able to do what you enjoyed but you were better than them?”

“I was,” I don’t give anything else away but an alarm goes off, shit time for more painkillers.

“What was that alarm for?”

“Painkillers, I try and hide taking them but I am on a lot, they mostly work,” I open a few of the containers in my bag and swallow a bunch, forcing them down by drinking from my water bottle. She watches me close my bag before leaving, I am not trying to make friends just get through the day.

I don’t get through the day, my bag is stolen at some point, and near the end of the school day I am in agony, the kind of agony that leaves you crying and screaming in the nurse’s office, the kind of pain that makes you wish you weren’t alive. It is serious enough that there is a wide search. The ambulance will be here soon, they will drug me up with the stronger stuff, maybe even knock me out. The injuries might not be getting worse, might be recovering even but the stress and pain that walking causes needs to be hidden by my pills.

I am completely out of it on a hospital bed, I can’t really think much but the pain is certainly lessened, I am fed up with everything and even the police were called to the school, the amount of painkillers I am on means someone could get in serious trouble for possession without a prescription, drug dealing even and I carry only enough spares for a bad day. Teenagers not needing them would get pretty high and they know it the fucking assholes.

I am off school for a week, confined to my room, asking for help every time I want to go to the bathroom, having to be supported since being in pain causes more accidents. I can’t stand being in hospital so I forced them to let me recover at home under the care of my mum. My own bed, my own room, my own sheltered area I can cry in, alone. My bag turned up with everything scattered and damaged. I told the police I want to press charges, I wouldn’t have cared as much normally but that level of pain? Fuck them, they can suffer like I did. I want my vengeance.

I don’t get to carry my painkillers at school any more, they are stored in the nurse’s office under lock and key. I have to struggle there every time I need relief and on bad days it is so much worse. Honestly, I have started to just live there in my breaks watching the crappy skaters from the window. I remember when I was at their skill level, I put so much effort in. Hours and hours for years on end, I did everything I could, I had so many bruises and I never stopped trying. They feel a bit like posers, try a few times then spend most of the break talking. Just once I would like to see them manage something more, but they won’t amount to much, I couldn’t count the hours I put into my love…

I am glad that girl doesn’t go to this school any more and a few other people are missing. Who takes away something that lets someone endure a day? The scar tissue I have is causing so much trouble, there is talk of surgery again, and that scares me, every time I go under the knife my chances of walking away again reduces but if I want to have any chance of a life I have to keep trying. I guess that breaks the dam and the tears start again. I had it all and now I have nothing, less than nothing. Why do I have to suffer? I put in so much effort, so much time just to push myself and I don’t even know what caused my fall, my bones to break in such horrific ways, and having to have so much treatment. Was it a fault of mine? Was it the board? Was it something to do with the surface? I don’t know and sometimes that is the worst thing, not knowing if it was because I wasn’t good enough or if it was just bad luck. I want to have another chance and yet I can’t.

Surgery is scheduled a few days after my last exam, I am allowed my painkillers and a clear water bottle as I sit my exams and honestly, I hate the chairs in the exam room. I don’t get how anyone can find comfort on them, let alone me…