“Who am I?”

 

I stare blankly at the hospital’s ceiling while the doctor is talking by my ears telling me I need to take it easy. The road to my recovery will take some time but it all depends on my willpower.

It has been a week since the dream I had and the reality of my life is starting to sink in slowly. It seems that I am inside that boy’s body now. Nothing I can do about it. Whoever that boy was, he has probably died and I have unintentionally taken over his body.

I don’t know how I feel about it.

Every time I look in the mirror, I see my face… no, his face. Not mine.

The people around me keep calling me Luke. I ignore them and I don’t even bother trying to answer their questions. I often keep my head turned away from them so that I won’t be able to see the expectations in their eyes. That overflowing happiness that seems to glow out of them.

I wonder how would they feel if they find out that I am not him. Sad? Horrified? Angry or even disappointed? I don’t know. I kind of don’t want to think about it.

I should at least know this boy's name and it seems that his name is Luke. The same name they keep calling me. Go figure. As if that wasn’t obvious enough.

To be honest, I can’t accept it. I can’t believe I died just like that and now I'm stuck in some strange boy’s body. Who knows when he will come back to claim it?

Since waking up a week ago, I keep on thinking whether or not we swapped bodies but then I laugh at that absurd possibility. In my heart, I already know that I died. Probably from the bashing on my head I felt before everything went black and I woke up in this hospital.

A tear falls down my cheek when I think of that possibility. It feels right. Half of me doesn't want to believe in it but the other half feels that this possibility is the truest of all the others I have created in my mind.

I laugh wryly to myself.

“Luke… are you ok?” I turn my head to look at the girl. She claims her name is Abby. I don’t know her but it seems like she and the old body were close.

I stare at her blankly without responding to her question. Instead of frowning or getting angry as most people would, she smiles.

“Hey, go get changed. Your parents are downstairs already. Let’s go home,”

I look at the stack of neatly folded clothes she offers me. I don’t pick it up right away so she put it next to me. She goes back to packing the rest of my belongings without a word of complaint. She doesn’t even force me to do as she instructed.

Odd girl.

I blank out for a moment before I finally lift the clothes and bring them with me to the bathroom. I still can’t get used to seeing someone else’s reflection in the mirror so I try to avoid looking at it.

I take my time putting on my clothes as I admire the softness of the cotton shirt and the scent of clean clothes. This is a luxury I didn’t get to experience at all in my life. Seems like he is a privileged child. It looks like he has everything in life.

When I walk out of the bathroom, she has already finished packing my things. She greets me with a smile.

“Come on. Let’s go,”

She starts walking out of the room while dragging out the small luggage bag. I follow her slowly with a distance. We both enter an elevator; which is my first time riding it. I wouldn't have known that it is called an elevator if she hadn’t mentioned it when the door opened. 

It feels weird riding this thing. When the door opens once more, it shows a different view. I try to keep my surprise contained to myself and continue following her.

She greets the middle-aged woman who seems to be waiting for us. When that woman looks at me, I look away, not wanting to lock eyes with her.

“The car is outside,” the woman’s voice has this soothing effect on this body. The tension I have been feeling since leaving the room has loosened itself a little the moment I hear her voice.

I don’t reply as usual and follow both of them as they start walking. We end up riding a black car with the woman at the front seat while the girl sits with me on the backseat.

When the car starts to move, I try to observe the unfamiliar view before slowly spacing out.

I might be dead already but I am not. Although this is not my own body, I am still alive. I am still breathing and there is nothing wrong with this body. I can walk, see, feel and everything that I used to do is something I am still able to do now.

Who knows when the original owner will come back. Maybe he won’t but most importantly, I am the one controlling this body. Not anyone else. It’s me.

Maybe I can finally live my life on my terms. I don’t need to serve anyone. Maybe it's finally my turn to be happy. I might as well take this chance and use this body to the fullest until whatever end I get.

At least right now, I am this privileged boy named Luke. I unconsciously smile lightly until my mind returns to Earth and I can feel someone staring at me.

I turn my head and my eyes meet the middle-aged woman’s eyes. She has a happy smile and a soft look on her face. I can feel my cheeks heating up so I turn away to look out of the window.

In my mind, I start to make a connection between this body and that woman. She is probably his mother.

Even without looking at her again, I know she is making the same expression she put on every time she looked at me when we were at the hospital. Her eyes are full of happiness and warmth. She looks at me as if I was precious.

No… She’s looking at her precious child’s body.

So lovingly that I can’t help but want that for myself as well.

Maybe it is fine. Since I have already decided to use this body to its fullest, I might as well accept her loving gaze for as long as I can use this body.

Yeah, I will be a good son to her. I can’t help but not want to see her grieving look anymore. I won’t let her cry about me.

The moment my mind is fully made up, the car slows down as it enters through a gated area with security and past several mansions before going into one of the mansion’s driveways.

“Home sweet home. Let’s get you inside so you can rest,” The woman… No, I probably should get used to calling her, my mum… Anyway, she talks to me from the front seat with a huge smile.

She gets out of the car and I finally realise that I am the only one remaining inside until that girl… Abby opens my side of the door from the outside. She has a soft smile and a cheerful attitude.

“Come on, let’s go,” She said and patiently waits until I get out of the car. 

The sight of the house startles me momentarily. I pause in my track as I can’t believe my eyes currently. I mean, despite seeing the huge houses on the way, I still can’t bring myself to believe that they would live in a similar gigantic house as well. This is more than being privileged. This is fking filthy rich people. I can’t help but feel annoyed but then I remember that I am a part of these rich people’s household too.

I guess my life won’t be bad after all. Carpe Diem was it? The phrase he told me. Seize the day. I will make today’s the best as I can until the day I can no longer have this.

“Are you okay?” Abby is right in front of me with a worried look. I am surprised by her presence but manage to regain my composure quickly.

I nod my head as a reply while doing my best not to reveal the turmoil of emotions within me.

“Come on. Let’s go in,” Abby bobs her head lightly as a gesture then turns around and walks to the mansion. I follow her but keep a distance as usual. She glances back one time and knowing that I am following her, she continues her steady pace in entering through the front door.

I can see a few people standing inside in a line wearing maid uniforms as we walk inside. Abby greets them briefly before continuing to walk. It takes a while before we finally reach a door with a “Do Not Disturb” sign hanging on the wall.

Abby waits by the door and I look at her blankly while hiding my confusion. She looks at me thoughtfully before deciding to open it.

The moment she pushes the door wide open, I feel like I was hit by a hammer. The shocking revelation of the room is truly something I can’t understand. I look around the room and I can’t help but think that it’s horrible. I have to take a step back and remind myself that this room is better than my previous room.

At least this room isn’t bare or dusty and full of cobwebs. It’s just… I find it hard to believe that whoever stays in this room can stay sane. It’s more shocking to see Abby entering the room without flinching.

“It’s dirtier than I remembered. You hadn’t let me in your room in ages. Pardon the intrusion,” Abigail takes a seat on the bed comfortably while looking around the room. In my heart, I am thoroughly surprised because based on her words, that means the person staying in this room is… the owner of the body.

My eyes can’t help but take a few more looks around the room. The first thing I notice is that the walls have dark blue paint and white linings but it is covered with posters that have a group of men in it. All of them seem to go for a similar style of clothing. They use black clothes while some have white face paint on their faces. I’m not sure I dig that.

I don’t know who these men are and seeing as they are holding instruments like guitar, I assume that they are probably musicians. However, I don’t think I would like to know more about them.

After all, this wasn’t the only thing that’s in this room because the floor is a complete mess. There are a few piles of clothes scattered around the room and I don't know if they are clean or dirty. Plus the sight of messy clothes on the floor just reminds me of the time when customers came by to have their way with me. Those people usually left their clothes on the floor.

I try to hold back my disgust from the image surfacing in my mind. I brush the memories away as I look around the room. I notice Abby is trying to fold the grey blanket on the bed and I almost cringe at the sight of the black sheets.

“You need new sheets. I think living in this kind of gloomy room isn’t healthy for you,” Abby looks at me while her hand continues to flatten the blanket. “If you don’t reply, I’m going to take that as your silent approval,”

Abby didn’t bother waiting for my reply. She got up off the bed and lay down the blanket nicely on the edge then left me alone in the room. All of her actions were done in one smooth motion.

Left alone in this room, I wasn’t sure what to do. I don’t think I can live in such room either and since I have already made up my mind, I think it's fine to re-decorate. I’ll just put away the things I don’t like somewhere in the room. In case the real owner comes back and wants his things to be as they were.

Although the room is in such condition, there is one spot that appears too clean that it gets me feeling suspicious. I become curious and since I’m alone at the moment, I don’t hesitate to approach it. I notice a few photos posted on the wall. There’s a series of pictures of the same set of boy and girl. Their recent photo makes me realise who they are. It’s him and Abby.

No wonder she’s treats me with patience. It seems that she grew up together with him. An odd feeling emerges in me because I feel like none of them is seeing the real me. I’m just a stranger they think is him. It’s probably the reason why they have been treating me with kindness and giving me soft loving gazes.

Before I enter deeper into that thought, my eyes catch sight of an edge of a photo, hidden underneath some books. That’s when I realise that everything on the desk is perfectly in place. It’s also a little dusty as if no one has approached this area in a long time. It’s an odd sight to see in a room full of mess.

Anyway, there seems to be a whisper in my heart telling me to look at the picture so I pull it out. It’s a picture of a man with his golden hair shining under the sunlight. His photo looks like it was taken in secret since he has his eyes lowered looking at the papers in his hand while being serious.

I don’t necessarily think of him as good looking. In fact, I don’t even think of him as anything. He does have a playboy kind of vibe and if I see him for real, I would say that he is a douche. Definitely.

After examining his facial structure, I become curious as to why he would have a photo of this man. When I trace my finger following the lines of his face, I can feel the goosebumps going around my body so I shiver slightly.

“I regret giving you that photo of him,” I jump a little from the sound of a girl’s voice by my ears. Abby’s appearance next to me startles me because I didn't even notice when she came into the room.

“Sorry,” She apologises while chuckling, knowing that she almost scared the living out of me. Not funny actually. My heart is thumping louder than it was before.

Abby didn’t bother caring about how I feel nor my reaction any longer as she turns around and tugs at the bedsheet. She speaks casually as she tries to put on the new sheet which is a light grey, “I didn’t realise you still kept his photo. It’s none of my business though since it’s yours now but I do wish that you would burn it,”

I don’t like her choice at first until I notice that she is also changing the blanket’s cover to a mustard yellow. It brightens up the room already. As for her comment on the photo, I keep quiet while doing my best to understand her meaning.

However, I decide that it is better to avoid that man altogether and save myself from worrying about it. Something tells me that there is a deeper story behind this and I am not sure if I want to pry it open.

“Done!” Abby exclaims as she pats the bed loudly then puts her hands on her waist. I can see that she is proud of her work since she has her nose up in the air. She turns to look at me with a wide grin.

“I don’t know about you but I think the room looks better already,” She said. 

“Ok, my work here is done,” She pretends to dust her hand clean and turns to face me. 

“I won’t touch the rest of your things since I think I’m already pushing it by changing the sheets. I hope you will clean up or at least let one of the maids clean it for you. I don’t think anyone can think straight if the room stays in such condition,” I don’t think so either.

“Oh well, I will leave you alone now so you can rest. I’ll come by your house on Monday so we can go to school together,” Abby doesn't delay her movements as she swiftly goes out of the door, waving me goodbye as she closes it.

I, on the other hand, seriously don’t know what to do now. It seems that we have school on Monday but I’m not even sure what day it is today. 

I’m not sure how to feel seeing as it would be my first time going to a school. I did learn a little from Mama but I’m not sure if that is enough on account of the original’s level of knowledge.

I’m not sure if this guy smart or dumb. I want to think of him as a dumb child but having a gloomy room and a messy floor doesn’t make him stupid.

The books on the desk seem to be school books but it doesn’t tell me anything. I guess there's no point of thinking about it right now. I should probably clean the room first.

I look around the room and let out a huge sigh.

Fk. What did I get myself into?