As the fifth 'beep' sounds from the digital alarm clock, Wyn rolls over from the left side of his bed to turn it off and checks on his mobile phone. No unread messages this morning. His desire to get taken out by an accident is still present, though stronger. He wants to stay home today but is able to pull himself off of bed and continue another boring day at the office. He gets to sit next to Budd, but again, Budd is so busy that they don't get to talk much during work. Wyn has made little progress in his work, but there's still progress nonetheless.

Days pass by and his mental state is yet to improve. He decides to call in sick today, Friday, meaning he isn't meeting up with his team. In fact, it was his plan since Monday to call in sick today via a private chat between him and his boss. His boss sounds more upset with him for ditching the dinner than for rescheduling the project finalization session. Wyn doesn't care anymore at this point. Since it's a work-from-home day, Wyn has no intention to tell Budd or anyone else about his absence. Suddenly, a message pops on Wyn's phone.

It's from Budd that reads, "I'm leaving the company next month."

"Awesome. Congrats. Don't forget to buy me a meal, rich daddy."

"Hahaha. Thanks! And sure! Will choose when and where later."

Wyn puts down his phone next to him on the bed. That short conversation has left him feeling numb for a minute. As he continues to lie on his bed, the thought of consulting a psychiatrist crosses his mind. From his experience however, it doesn't matter how many psychiatrists or psychologists he talks to, how open and honest he is in sharing his stories, or how long he takes the antidepressants for, he always falls right back into the cycle – it's a losing battle. He knows too well that it's only a matter of time before he's taken out of the battle. It's this moment that Wyn has decided to let it be.

"If I go out, I'll go out with a bang," he thinks to himself, all the while getting a chuckle out of it.

This is a familiar territory for Wyn. He has thought about this many times since he was a university student. Including today however, he has never attempted it once. There are several reasons why he cannot pull himself through with it. One is that he's scared of the pain he may suffer before the end hits. Yes, he's aware he's a chicken. The second reason is, while his relationship with his parents is not the best, he can't fathom the amount of grief they would have to go through with the loss of a child. All parents must mourn the losses of their parents in their lifetime. To have to mourn another big loss would be unfair to them, especially when it's preventable. The third reason is, he feels everything that he has done, learned, and earned up to this point would go to waste. It's tough to imagine losing it all in a few seconds or minutes. Lastly, that glimpse of hope everyone keeps telling him about matters to him. He's longing to see the day he becomes successful despite having no faith this will ever happen.

Fast forward to next Friday, it's Wyn's thirtieth birthday. Since he does not use social media nor does he ever mention his birthday to anyone else, including Budd, today's just a normal quiet day to him. The only birthday wishes he gets are from his parents. However today feels different in that he feels older but still has not accomplished anything meaningful. He doesn't get much time to think of it because today is where he gives an online presentation to the marketing team. He spends the whole morning and noon practicing his pitch. He's confident when it comes to presentations and it shows as he often receives praises from the audience. Today is no different. This usually would have been uplifting if he were in a normal mental state. His boss even praises him for the good work he did on the whole project. This week had been tough on him with him trying to squeeze out what little he had left in him to get the work done. There's another assignment in the pipeline for him to get started, but he just can't bring himself to even touch the mouse. He lets the monitor go to screensaver mode while he goes lay down on his bed.

"The thirties club, ha? I get older but nothing has changed," he talks aloud to himself with tears in his eyes.

More days go by, Wyn is still struggling to bring himself back up from the trough. Normally, he bounces back within two weeks, but this time, it has been almost a month, lingering into the month of March. There's less than one week left before Budd leaves the company. The department executive throws a farewell party for Budd with pizzas and fried chicken in the office. It's overall a cheerful event with Budd tearing up a bit during his farewell speech. Wyn wouldn't reject the free food, but he brings it over to his desk and consumes his meal in solidarity. Budd has been checking on Wyn here and there via text messages and in person these past few weeks, but only to be told nothing is wrong. He has done all he can, though he wishes he could do more. Today, he's the man of the hour, so there's not much he can do for Wyn.

The day comes when Budd is no longer with the company. He's using his last six days of annual leaves to rest up before starting the new position. The two have yet to have their own private farewell dinner. Budd was busy up until the last day, finishing and handing off his work to another colleague. Wyn on the other hand, has not been in the mood to socialize at all.

"I'll take a raincheck." Budd's message to Wyn on his last day.

"Sure thing my man. I'll talk to you about it later. Best of luck," Wyn replies.

It has been almost two weeks since Budd left the company. The two have yet to meet up. Not only that all workdays feel like a drag to Wyn, but without Budd, the feeling of emptiness is more prominent. Wyn is currently working on another project. He's falling behind schedule due to some coding issues. He's at the point where he could see himself pulling his own hair out of frustration. At this moment, Wyn can only think of Aon, one of the boss's favorites that he and Pla were talking about weeks ago. Aon is known to be the query expert among the four of them. While Wyn's ego is big enough, he knows when he's defeated. Just when Wyn is about to click on Aon's name to initiate a chat with her, he notices one change to her profile card which appears when hovering a mouse over her name. Under her name, it now says 'manager' instead of 'assistant manager'. The emotions are flooding in. The first thing he feels is the numbness of his mind. A few split seconds later his heart's pounding. Then comes disbelief and followed by anger shortly after. His whole body is trembling. His hands are shaking violently. His teeth are grinding.

"Maybe there's an error," Wyn trying to reason himself so he can calm down. "Maybe HR didn't get the memo."

There are several ways he can get to the truth, so he decides to play innocent and greet Aon.

"Hey Aon, CONGRATS on the promotion!"

The wait for a response is agitating Wyn. He keeps staring at the chat, waiting for Aon to write something, anything at all.

Five minutes have gone by and Aon finally responds, "Oh! Thanks! How did you know?"

"It shows on your profile card."

"Oh dang. Completely forgot about that. But still, thanks :)"

Upon seeing what he didn't want to see, he weirdly feels nothing. There are no more emotions. He's still shaking, though less than before. He looks up to the ceiling and closes his eyes.

"I don't want to live like this anymore," he thinks to himself.

He then proceeds to text his boss, "Hi boss. I'm resigning. Will fill out the form and forward it to you for your signature. Please also approve my special request for a two-week notice. Thank you."

Wyn spends the remaining half of his work day laying in bed. His intention is to nap until whenever he wakes up. Instead, he finds himself rolling from side to side, sobbing. He realizes that this is jealousy at play, but more than that is how unfair this whole event has played out. Because of the mental exhaustion, Wyn finally gets his nap. He wakes up to the ring on his phone. His boss is calling.

"I napped for two hours?" Wyn's surprised when he sees that the time's now 4.56pm.

Wyn, sitting on his bed, clears his throat and answers the call, "Hello."

"What happened?" his boss asks.

"I, ah, I have mental issues, like depression. I need, need, like really need, to get some h...help. I'm completely burned out because of it," he replies, all the while stuttering as his heart's beating fast.

"Depression? That sounds severe. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, not really, but thank you"

"Do you have a new job waiting? If not, why not stay with us a bit longer then use your remaining leaves when you do have one?"

"I need more time than that. I need, like, at least a month. Yeah. At least a month, I think."

"Well, if you say so. Submit the form soon, ya? The notice period you requested is quite short."

"Noted. Thank you." Wyn pauses for a second before asking 'the' question, "May I also know how did Aon manage to get a promotion this year despite what you told us?"

"You knew? Well, as you know, she just mortgaged a house with her boyfriend. That's a lot of financial burden. I wanted to help, so I appealed to the company as a special case."

After some dead air, Wyn thanks his boss and hangs up the call. What he just heard were some blatant lies – it makes no sense why the company would be obliged to help Aon, especially when she mortgaged the house out of her own will. He's too mentally exhausted to be mad though. He knows that one day, the whole department will find out anyway. Let the boss and Aon handle what to come themselves, but for now he doesn't need anymore drama. After staring blankly into the wall, he makes his way to the kitchen. There, he takes a sleeping pill with a glass of water. No supper for him tonight, just deep sleep, or so he hopes. To his luck, the pill kicks in at full effect this evening. He's able to rest his brain.

Two weeks later, Wyn is now what he calls himself, a 'free man'. The last two weeks of work were kind of awkward. There was no farewell party. Wyn didn't even mention his resignation to anyone else. He received five or so messages from his colleagues wishing him good luck after he had left the group chat. One of them was Pla, who was heartbroken to see him go.

Everyday is a weekend. He sends out his resume here and there, just in case a good opportunity comes by. But from one month to two, and from two to three, Wyn is still unable to secure a job. He did have a number of interviews within the first two months, but he was either too senior for the role or not compatible with the interviewer. He even went out of his way to pray to several shrines for luck. After all of this, he starts to grow tired, lose hope, and so he chooses to stop applying altogether. Still, Wyn refuses to call this a predicament nor to accept that he may have made the wrong decision. It's hard to gauge where his mental stability is during these months. While he's truly enjoying himself, he does feel worthless at times. Society tends to tie the concept of productivity with money earning. This is what he hears left and right and it gets imprinted into his conscience. There are days when he would wake up and feel great not having to give a care in the world. Then there are days when he would wake up feeling so worthless and wanting to end it all.

At this point, his savings are dwindling. He has thought of starting his own business. The issue is, he doesn't know what to do. The world has changed a lot since his parents' prime time. While it's easier to start a business, competitors are blooming in a sector that performs well. New restaurants, coffee shops, and retail stores tend to close down within less than three years. Even the incumbents are not exempt from this without a thick wallet. At one point, he had considered posting clips on 'uWuTube'. But being camera shy, he could not force himself to go through with the idea. He took an online course on mobile application coding. He was having fun for a while before realizing that he couldn't do this alone if he were to make a living out of it. Even if he were adept at coding, he would still need a proper team. Then it hits him, what he lacks is a lot of inherited money. It's easier to leap when a new company can invest competitively in human capital and cutting edge technologies. While Wyn's family is wealthy, they're nowhere rich, and he feels his parents have done enough for him financially. Asking for more would be a taboo.

Wyn has encountered a deadened. His eagerness to explore and try out new things is dying down. He begins to sleep later and later each day watching 'uWuTube' and 'The Adventurous Hamsters' til dawn. His sleep cycle is now a mess with him going to bed anytime between 7.00am to 9.00am and waking between 6.00am to 8.00pm. Nightmares start to occur more often. The dreams of not being prepared for exams and being back to his student days trying to fit in with his friends make up most of the dreams that he can remember when waking up. The antidepressants, though, are still untouched. He would still act normal whenever he meets up with Budd or visits his parents in the south of the country – all of whom are impervious to Wyn's employment status. Other than that, he rarely leaves his room. The moment he isn't distracted, his mind wanders into dark places. At the same time, everything he watches, every game he plays, is becoming more stale. Still, he doesn't want to leave his room. He doesn't want to see people. He doesn't want to be seen. He doesn't want to be judged.

The only thing he wants is, "I want to disappear."

Wyn's focus is slowly shifting toward how and when. He spends more time researching a method that would be least painful. It has become part of his daily routine, something he would do right after he wakes up. He reads it all from the dark web and supplements what he reads with scientific facts from other online sources. He weighs the pros and cons of every method. After some intense deliberation, there's one method in particular he's most comfortable with. Because of how lax the law in Tideland is, everything is attainable, legally and illegally. In Wyn's case, he can find everything he needs from an e-commerce platform, all legally somehow. Now that the method has been chosen, the next step is to 'go out with a bang'. He spends the next two days thinking how to achieve the 'bang'. Several come to mind.

"I could take those who have wronged me in the past with me. I should start by listing out names." Wyn's first idea that he quickly scraps as it requires too much preparation.

"Maybe write a manifesto for the people to stand up to the elites," Wyn chuckles.

"How about just posting papers all over my room with random chilling words?" he thinks to himself, while rubbing his chin.

"Ah. I'll write to everyone I want to have last words with. Print them out on papers, scatter them on my bed...yeah, let's do that." He doesn't have a specific date in mind. All he knows is, after he's done with the letters, he wants to spend the rest of his money on expensive food.

One week later, the one-paged letters are finished and printed out. There are twelve in total. Seven are to call out the people he still holds grudges against to this day. These letters, with some containing harsh words, share a common theme that expresses Wyn's desire to haunt them should the afterlife exist. The remaining five are thank you letters which include one for Budd and one for his parents. Wyn thanks Budd for being the brother he didn't know he needed. He wishes Budd and his wife well. He thanks his parents for all the care in the past and apologizes to them for putting them through what he's about to do. Then there's a thirteenth letter. One that is short and is addressed to someone peculiar.

"

Dear God, if you exist...

There are many things I want to ask you.

How could you allow the world to become what it is today?
How could you allow me onto this earth, knowing what I was to become?

How could you let me die?

Maybe you are not as powerful as people believe you to be.

Come visit me in hell. Let's have a chat. But knowing you, you'd neglect me anyway.

"

The letters are piled up, sitting to the left of his laptop. Wyn seems satisfied with his accomplishment. He smiles nonstop on the chair with both hands behind his head as he stares at the letters. There's no more to think about today. In fact, there's nothing to think about for the rest of his life. The serene sense of relief sides with him for the first time in years.

Abruptly, Wyn exclaims, "Oh no! What to eat?"

As the fifth 'beep' sounds from the digital alarm clock, Wyn rolls over from the left side of bed to turn it off, this time not checking his phone. The clock displays 6.00pm. This is the first alarm to go off since Wyn left his job. He lays still smiling at the ceiling. His head's blank. He didn't even have a nightmare, though he did take sleeping pills last night before bed. All the equipment he needs is already sitting in the bedroom. He springs out of bed, hits the shower, gets dressed in his favorite clothes – white cotton tee, beige chino shorts, white low cut socks, black and white sneakers. He sits at the end of the bed carefully reading the instructions he wrote for myself. He doesn't want this to go wrong in any way. He puts down the instructions and ponders to himself a bit.

"Would I come to the same end if I hadn't come back to Tideland?"

"Had my parents not sent me to Cannothing, what kind of a person would I be now?"

"If I started my career elsewhere, would my life be better?"

He walks over to his desk, grabs the letters, and spreads them randomly on his bed. He's now ready. He follows the instructions religiously. Tears are pouring uncontrollably. They start to obscure his vision. He then lays face up on the bed over some of the letters. His kneepits rest on the edge of the bed with his shoes touching the floor. He can never tolerate dirtying his bed even at a time like this. As he waits, his memories of the past run through his head like a movie reel at lightning speed. His last few thoughts manage to make their way in. Like a narrator in a movie, he hears his own voice.

"I would happily trade my life for someone who is dying right now."

"I hate life. I hate people. I hate work. I hate God."

"But, I know,.........I hate myself the most..."

And with that, his final breath draws. Wyn is no more.