Another night, another embrace of my moon goddess. After work I come back to hers. On the days I'm not working, we dine on each other, crepes and coffee, pasta and wine, her laugh in my ears and moans through my body.
After a week she gives me a key, to her heart and to her apartment, why would I want to be anywhere else.
I wake up to her at her desk, a light shining gently across her skin. She hasnt had to do any work so most of the time we just spend time together, just enjoying each other's company. A holiday in the world until she moves permanently up to Acropolis.
I get up quietly and approach her from behind, pen in her hand, The invites on her desk, one with her name printed on it, another blank, another… with my name on it, she’s touching it gently, fuck. Fuckfuckfuck!
“Tina love… I'm sorry, I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I want to go with you, I do, but it's so much, I never would have even thought about it if I didn't meet you.” She looks up at me, tears rolling down her perfect cheeks.
“I don't want to go without you, but I have to… I have to, they wont let me stay here Em”, She takes the 3 invites and pulls a small part of the wooden wall away, a tiny hideaway pocket, she safely closes it, showing nothing on the surface.
I pull deep into her, her neck, her hair, her lips, my moon goddess, not long to stay.
We retreated back to bed, to embrace and cry together. It hurts, it's been a long time since I cried, not even when I found out about my ex, never did someone complete me.
I consider taking the day off work, but the monotonous distractions would do wonders for my mind, reverting back into professionalism, the fake smile, instead of crying and making love to such a woman.
…
It's raining, the night grows cold again, Vanessa and I are at the bar, empty except for one of the regulars in a corner, nursing worries, a book and a scotch on the rocks.
“You know you could finish up early tonight, go be with her before she leaves? Only a day to go...” Thud, my head hits the solid smooth wood of the countertop, our only customer for the night jolts up in shock before seeing that it's only me, just silly Emily and her stupid ass problems.
“I think I love her Van… and shes leaving tomorrow, what the fuck am I going to do…” She throws a dish rag over my head, ahh thank you, problem solved.
“You could go with her? Not like you're doing anything else with your life!! Stupid useless lesbians and their stupid fucking issues, might as well fuck off to the moon!”
ugh fuck… fuck! she's right, I have no family, no belongings, I've got a job just to alleviate the boredom of life, I've moved so much over my whole life that I've just culled everything again and again, my only real friend is an Ex and a twink, one who I work with and the other that works next door.
“Wanna come with me?” I lift my head up and look at Vanessa, the dish cloth flopping over my face like a shawl.
“And miss out on all the poor pussy that needs comforting in this trying time?” ahh yes, forever the philanthropist my dear Vanessa.
Taking the cloth off my head I sit down on my trusty stool. I flick Tina a message letting her know I'm getting off work now and we can talk, “I'm out, I hope the rest of the night is uneventful” I gather my things, waving on my way out, she’s right, shes always fucking right!
Checking my phone I haven't gotten anything back from Tina, it's only 12, she’s probably sleeping, waiting for me to wake her from her beautiful respite.
…
The steps creak as I ascend the staircase to heaven, the door is unlocked, no… broken, carefully, hesitating I open the door, a tornado has hit her apartment, nothing is left unturned, I make my way quietly down the hallway, not a sound around me, silence except for the wind and the rain now blowing through the open doorway, pushing past me, urging me on.
This is a rough part of town but not this rough. Someone was looking for something, and I know what I'll find when I start looking further. Photos are thrown off walls, the life of my moon goddess is cracked and buried under all the things that encompassed her life, not that she was bringing them with her to the palace in the stars.
I can only move forwards, I want to resist, she’s waiting for me, she always is, in that perfect babydoll dress, ready for me to come home and touch her just right.
Her bedroom lies ahead, it's open, it never had a door to it, she had it removed when she moved in, never was one to have roommates or people over, inherited from the passing of her parents oh so many years ago.
I can see her foot, splayed out at the bottom of the bed, connected to her beautiful legs, lighty bruised from the rope play we had fun with a few nights before, purple in the light, then her thigh… drops of blood down it, from her wrist that lay next to it, deep cuts, deeper than I can imagine on a person, ive cut myself once or twice, this was on purpose.
My Moon goddess has become an angel, and now there is nowhere left for me.
Falling to my knees I can only crawl over to her, the tears flowing, I cant see her face like this, I move closer and closer feeling glass dig into my knee, what is physical pain to the one eviscerating my fucking heart! Even in death she looks perfect, she is perfect, this is a sick fucking joke!
Clutched in her hand is her phone, smashed like it was stepped on, 2 messages still lighting up the screen, one from me, asking to talk, and one from her boss, just the first part showing ‘you will regret it Tin-’ I don't know her pin… never asked.
Was it her boss? WHO THE FUCK HAS TAKEN HER AWAY FROM ME?!
I reach for my phone and call the police, not that the fat fucks are going to do anything, who the fuck has time to deal with a dead lesbian when the earth is about to end, it might have gotten better over the years for us but worse for everyone as a whole.
A cold voice answers, sounding bored, asking what my emergency is, my emergency is gone, taken! “My uhh… partner is de-dead, shes fucking dead someone fucking killed her!! Shes fucking gone…” I cant hold it in, the words spilling forth, sobbing with it, “Sending someone over” I hear from the other line, they say that I can stay on the line with them but I end it, theres no fucking point.
I crawl onto the bed, touching her gently, my poor moon princess, I can only struggle to hold her, the blood hasn't dried, it doesn't stop me, she is mine and no one is taking her away from me!
I lay by her side, trying to give her some warmth, staring into that vacant gaze, beautiful green eyes, half closed, all the brightness gone.
Pulling out my phone so I can call Van, her words of wisdom, please please pick up Van I need you, now the most, “Hey girl how's your talk go?... Em? You there?...”
I zone out staring deep into her soul, beautiful in life and death, I’ve seen so much death, I thought I was numb to it now, this is the final straw, my fucking bundle has snapped.
“She’s gone… Van, she's gone, someone fucking killed her, cut into her beautiful body… what do I do now?... please tell me?...” She would know what to do please know what to do im scared I wasn’t ready for leaving with her and then I was and now I fucking can’t do anything in a void of non-existence fucking help!
“... I-I’m sorry Em, I’m so fucking sorry… are you safe? Have you called the police?” At least someone cares.
“I don't know if I'm safe, I'm just… with her, I can't leave her like this, I called them, they said they were going to send someone over…” I hear swearing from the other end.
“Okay not to make this worse, but they have been fucking shit around here lately, it’s only getting worse, they are just going to pin this on the first person they can, and I’m sorry Em I’m so sorry but its going to be you! I know you're into all the rope and bruise play. You think they aren't going to just lock you away, case fucking solved?! Once Mel died the cops have stopped giving a fuck!”
She’s panicking for me, she's lost friends to bad decisions by cops, or lazy decisions.
“I can’t lose you too Em please, get out of there, take the tickets and leave, pack a bag and get the fuck OUT!”
Fuck no I cant leave her here, they are going to touch her, move her, I-I need her, more than anything.
“I loved her and shes fucking gone!”
“Then fulfill her wish for you! Go to the fucking moon and live an amazing life, away from this fucking hell hole, shine for her like she did for you, be her fucking moon goddess, just please leave, survive so I can be with you again one day.” Van has started crying, desperate for me to move, to get up, just fucking go, gogo!!!! GO!!!
I tell Van I love her and hang up the call.
Her bedroom is a fucking mess, the place where we spent so much time, our sacred place, where I admired and found myself lost in her,
My angel is spread open, arms wide, wanting, wishing for me to come home, the bruises on her arms that I didn't cause just another sign of her being alive, this was not her, she would not, she could tell, tell I was going to go with her, all I needed was one final push, she just had to ask me, that's all it needed, why didn't I stay home with her…
Getting off the bed I notice something on the bed, next to her stomach, a button, a marbled silver and white button, with black threads, stained black from a dyed shirt on her fingers, she fought back, and all she was able to get was a fucking button, but its something, I dont know how the fuck im going to find them but they are going to fucking pay!
The invites, the fucking invites, they were basically blank checks, and Tina the Bank teller, there was still one left, people always said they were to kill for, and she paid the price.
Pressing on the secret wall compartment all 3 come out, I rip the blank one into tiny pieces, what I think of the fucking prospects of her murderer getting one, I take her phone as well, maybe il be able to get into it one day, find out more about her boss, about if she knew her murderer.
As I leave I stop at the doorway, turning back around, what if shes just there, its just a fucked nightmare, shes still waiting for me… but it doesnt end, shes still dead, and I’m still dead inside.
…
I finally arrive at my apartment, an hour in the rain will do wonders for your psyche, or at least your clothes. The blood stains have turned a light pink wine color. I'm still boiling, the absolute rage burning through my veins for my woman.
When I get there, there is a man leaned against my door. Marvin, gods bless him, the only man of integrity I knew that wasn't gay, although I tried to hook him up with a few cute guys a few times. He graciously turned them down, his wife, bless her, was the only love of his life, what a fucking man, you have to respect that.
“Hey Em, Van called me, you uhh… wanna get some stuff packed up and then come to mine for some food and drink?...” He opens his arms for a hug, something I never got from my own father, I gladly step into it, my facade cracking, the heat under my skin transferring into tears.
“Please… I will…” He nods and hugs me a little tighter one last time before releasing me and heading up the flight of stairs to the top floor. Marvin has been taking care of this building since his father died, him and his wife took girls off the street, asked for a pitance, enough to keep the place running, a fucking angel. Vanessa was here for a few years before me, he ended up hooking me up with Van, literally and for a job, the whole neighborhood knew him. Hundreds of people attended the funeral when Mel died, she was an inspector, treated this city like her family, with her gone it all went downhill, Im just glad she didnt make it to see it all go to shit with this fucking end of the world crap.
I make it into my apartment, cold, unwelcoming, I hadn't been back here in a week, there wasn't a point anymore, I messaged Marvin enough for him to know I was okay, still breathing, except now I wasn't.
I sat down on the bed, hard and freezing, not that I wasnt already an icicle from the rain, my breathing catches and panic sets in, what the fuck am I doing?! I can't stop, I can't, not now, not ever.
I throw myself into my closet pulling out a backpack, throwing clothes into it, things, pointless fucking things, I empty it again and again, theres nothing I own that matters anymore, just the tickets, its all I have of her, why didnt I take anything else?!?! That and the fucking button! Just another reminder that she's dead!
I'd taken a few photos of her at least, I can see her again and again, why didn’t I take any fucking videos, something of her voice?... I grab a charger, clothes, purse and tickets… that’s it, thats all my life has accumulated into, hah fuck, thats all I am now…
I keep her phone close in my pocket, safe, it's already roughed up but maybe I can get it repaired… unlocked up there?...
I change into something warmer, throwing the clothes on the bed, I won't be sleeping tonight, maybe ever. Packed up I close the door, locking it behind me, closing a chapter on a life that feels like some fucked up version of a romance novel.
Marvin lets me in as soon as I knock. He was waiting for me to come up before he served food, pasta and wine, white sauce carbonara, my favorite, as well as Tina’s. I wolf it down for the both of us, possibly the last meal on this rock.
I pull out the invites, the envelope that it was in was waxed, fucking fancy, on the back is an address, pickup location, shuttles from there going at all times of the day, every few hours. Putting down my fork after my 2nd bowl I finally speak, he’s looking at me with such pain for my loss, “Can you take me to this place? Last thing I ever ask of you” He nods gently filling up my wine glass, “You could never not ask anything of me Em, you have been and will always be like a daughter to me… and I will miss you. I’ll look up and think of a crazy bartender girl on the moon often, even if you can't contact back down here” I start tearing up and clear my throat, leaving is so easy but also so hard at the same time.
“Thank you Marv, you've been a better dad to me than I've ever had, I'm glad we can have this final meal together…” We eat and drink in further silence.
Finishing up Marvin puts the bowls and cups in the dishwasher and gets it started, grabbing their keys, putting on a big jacket they're ready. Throwing my backpack on, I'm ready, nothing left for me here, it's time.
Time to leave this life behind.
