Part 9
630 8 25
X
Reading Options
Font Size
A- 15px A+
Width
Reset
X
Table of Contents
Loading... please wait.
This chapter contains some scenes of psychological and verbal abuse.

I finally managed to email the photos we’d taken yesterday to my uncle. I tried to call him too but he was out. I leaned back with my slight hands enveloped by my long, braided hair and let the phone rest against me. 

Allison’s lesson had been useful. I had tons of scribbled notes. I wanted this to happen tomorrow afternoon. I would return Lissa’s device for class. Then Allison could wear mine for the date. 

The idea left Allison a little sad that we wouldn’t both be female on the date, if we so wished. But it would work. I got up.

Allison was still in the kitchen. She smiled and posed a bit for me as she asked, “Has my pupil returned for another lesson?”

I smiled back and inquired, “Could you try on my device?” I slipped it off and waited through the lull. It still felt nervously-long before I returned to myself. 

Allison picked up quickly on my intent. She turned hers off and set it aside. With his most feminine version of his voice, he said, “You want to know if I’ll get the long delay too. Clever boy.”

He slipped it on and went looking for the pink-haired girl he preferred before I stopped him. I urged him, “Try the saved one with braids.”

It didn’t take long for him to flip over to that saved form and activate it. I found Allison with Corlie’s body disconcerting. I’d prepared myself for similar forms due to the limitation of choices but Allison was a copy of the body I’d seen in the mirror and gotten to know these last few days. 

With a devious smirk, she immediately went about doing sexy stuff that I would never do. It was vaguely narcissistic to watch her but captivating. She was going to turn back but I urged her to keep it on for a little bit to better replicate the problem (even though I’d tested it with brief use before). After about ten minutes to go over another lesson of how best to flavor hummus for veggie wraps, she was ready.

She adjusted the controller. And nothing happened. Corlie-Allison stood there for several long moments. Quite long moments. So many that I was worried I may have trapped her with that form. But, same as me, she reverted back to Allison. Mostly.

I eyed Allison and he asked me with the same, girly voice, “What is it?” I peered between the two of us. It was subtle but I was sure he was different. Allison felt around. He lingered on his hips and swiveled. They could be slightly bigger but then Allison always did have odd hips. He touched around his chest. In my fears, I expected there would be something but Allison said he felt the same. His face had always been soft like that but his hair seemed a little glossier and further past his shoulder than usual. With his hands on my shoulders, he tried to reassure me, “I’m just as much of a girly boy as I’ve always been.”

I wasn’t entirely convinced but the delay existing for Allison helped a little. Having him use a form as close as possible to his pink-haired one ruled out the saved form being the problem as that also suffered from a random delay between controller and device. Allison shrugged and said only, “Technology.”

That was a good guess, especially with what Tessa told me. Of course, I had no reason to believe her. Allison passed the device and controller back to me and returned to using her loaner copy. Before I left, she noted, “Oh, Malcolm agreed to try being a girl for a little bit tomorrow morning. So look forward to that.” I wasn’t quite sure what to say but I smiled and headed off to my room.

The fun with Malcolm felt a little easier to enjoy knowing that I could replicate the problem with my device on someone else. That didn’t explain away Allison’s voice and whether anything else had changed about him. But I felt a little better about Malcolm wearing it. 

I even relaxed enough to let myself enjoy a bath night as Corlie. While the shower was like a stream down a river, the bath was drifting. It got me to the same place though. I smiled getting out of the bath like a strange, invisible weight had been released from within me. It sunk down and escaped with the water, leave me feeling content and optimistic. 

I didn’t even mind that there was no evening call on my phone from Lissa. No recorded message either. She had a lot to deal with. I watched a couple of late-night cartoons and dried my hair. To bed, I would leave it washed and unbraided. I’d restore to the save for class. My first anthropology class as Corlie.

The phone didn’t ring and I flicked off the TV as I drifted off to sleep.

What met me was rich, colorful, and vivid, like how Allison described her dreams. Only I didn’t feel a sense of dreaming. I was standing in a familiar hallway. Home. I’d always lived here with my parents. I was going to classes at the local college. I felt a little lost, as though I’d been thinking something and it slipped away. I shrugged it off and walked down the hallway. The mirror to the right needed to be cleaned so badly. I’d tried some time ago but there was just too much gunk on it to really make it look nice.

I could hear arguing from the kitchen. I clenched up. So many years of this. I didn’t want to step in but the memory of my mother swinging a jagged knife was still fresh. I brushed my fingers through my long, dirty-blond hair and hugged my irritated stomach under my breasts. I just wanted to be far away. I wanted things to be better.

I had no idea what normal families were like. If only it was just the arguing. If only it was just the loud and scary parts then maybe I could cope. But it was the quiet parts. The lonely parts. The feeling of my soul seeping out or being drained by those around me bit by bit. Words, looks, pains. They infected everything. I tried to smile but I was the only one.

I clung onto feelings of the Kinrae. They came four years ago. Beautiful boys and even more gorgeous women. I wish I could be more like them. They always seemed so happy. They always seemed so energetic. They never seemed to hurt like I did. They looked like they lived, joyously, where I just subsisted. 

I wanted them to take me away. I wanted to be happier. I loved them. I loved them so much even though I’d only ever met one of them. My mother called me names for having pictures of them on my walls. She tore them all off. I didn’t cry. I didn’t have the feeling for it. For days, I thought I was dead inside. Broken somehow. I couldn’t understand how one person could so deeply hurt another. Even my dad with his blunt, maiming words couldn’t push quite as deep.

I got better. But it’s a cycle. Always a cycle. I just wanted to go to my room and escape for just a little. Just a moment. Just an instant. To another world. One where I was far away. One where I was happier. I wouldn’t even mind being a boy. I wouldn’t even mind being a mass of pond moss. 

The day was so desperately, achingly long. I’d just gotten back from classes but the session was ending. No way out for two whole weeks. I could barely bear the thought of another summer like this. I had plans. My friend, Tracy, offered to put me up but I was so afraid to leave. I didn’t know what was out there. My Uncle Nolan would be an option but he’d been so sick that I didn't want to impose. 

I have no idea what to do. The tears came as they always do, never loud enough to feel like I could push the sadness out. And they always dry so quickly. I really worry my feelings are withering, if they were ever there. 

“JENNA! HERE NOW, YOU STUPID BITCH!”

I could make like I didn’t hear that at least once before I needed to answer. The walls were thick enough but I could hear it so clearly like my mother was screaming down my neck. I wish bad things for her and I hate myself for wishing them but I don’t want to be here. I want to be somewhere else. Please please please….

A whimper jolted me. I was in bed. How did I get here? Blue hair? Kinrae? How was I a…oh wait. It was a dream. I was sweaty in bed, even more than usual. I took a deep breath. I felt details of Jenna’s life slipping away but the core, deep feelings stayed. I should’ve been upset. I should’ve been sad. I’d lived a life like that but not as dragged out. I sniffled and wiped away tears I didn’t even realize were there.

Jenna. A parallel me in a dream. Such suffering. Such absolutely pointless suffering I knew so well. But it didn’t cling to me. It didn’t shake the lingering pleasantness I had from my bath. I did feel pity for Jenna. If only I could reach out and take her away from that. So sad. I settled back against my pillow. 

A glance at the clock told me very little time had passed. Sleep didn’t come easy after that, clogged with the passing of old scars, but it did come with quiet and serene emptiness.

Morning led me to stretch and smile at the creeping rays of light. Still no message on my phone but I knew I could see Lissa soon. I would see Allison in just a few minutes. I could finally tell her that I had a dream where I was a girl. But not one easy to explain. I could be vague but the Jenna dream was part of my own experiences. I’d have to tell him/her about my family. As much as I dared. The stuff I could get out.

Not the sort of thing you wanted to set the mood for a morning. But I’d find a way to express it, for Jenna. In the hopes my feelings might transmit across the Swiss-cheese void to touch her day and maybe plant the seed of better days.

Allison had already finished breakfast, burritos served and steaming on the table. The kind Clayton always liked was gone. The one heavy on the sauce for Malcolm hadn’t been touched. I knocked on Allison’s door. He stood before me, naked except for a small robe which did little to cover up the critical parts. I’d seen it before. Back then, I thought he was just wearing it as a prank to prompt a reaction from me.

I didn’t go in his room, although I liked the chair against the window. He waved and inquired, “Morning. Is this a special wake-up call?” His smile was faint though as he noticed something in my expression that I didn’t even know was there. 

Before long, I was telling him about the dream. I chose my words carefully.

“Her name was Jenna. It was like before I had to leave him. Terrible with family. Difficult with how I felt about myself and I really felt for her. I was her. Another me. I really wanted to give her a hug and tell her to be strong.”

Allison’s eyes took on a sudden ease. He stepped forward and wrapped his satin-clad arms around me. I tried not to blush and accepted the hug. He told me, “That’s for the both of you. Here’s hoping it passes along the universes and brightens her day a little bit.”

I nodded to that and switched topics quickly to say, “So, what’s happening with Malcolm?” Folding his arms, Allison smirked and said, “He’s hiding. He’s already transformed. I gave him my device and I could hear a cute voice through the door.”

We made our way over to Malcolm’s door and I knocked. Shuffling, knocking, and a human-like squeak was all we got in response. I glanced at Allison and he smiled. He leaned his head back, tapped on his lips, and then said, “I guess Malcolm wouldn’t mind if we opened his mint-condition copy of…” And that was as far as Allison got before the door flew open and a furious Kinrae stared up at us.

Malcolm was more than a head shorter than me. She had to be less than five feet tall with a stain of bright blush on her cheeks. She looked so young. Hard to tell just how young because Malcolm had picked a girl who was rather flat. Her light-blue dress hung past her thighs with little soft shoes at her feet. While small, her hips were mature, although her chest was modest. Silvery hair streamed past her shoulders and she brushed a bit to keep it out of her face. Her eyes were a matching gray and she put her fists on her hips and replied, “Happy?”

We marveled at her. Considering the kinds of things on Malcolm’s walls, this was not the form we expected him to choose. Her blush deepened as her hands shifted about and she said, “This is not the time I wanted to do this…but I wanted to get it over with. Are you both satisfied? And do you both swear that Jessica never hears a word of this?”

We looked at each other and knew we had to get photos of this before Malcolm reached for the controller. She actually didn’t protest as much to photos, she even made a few good little poses, though not intentionally. 

Allison noted, “You need to try pulsate on the shower. At least for your girlfriend’s sake.”

Malcolm was about to shake her head when Allison added, “Imagine all the ways she might thank you if you knew more about what made her feel good.” She grumbled that she already knew that but with a half-hearted effort. I could see that she was considering the possibility. Allison tried to nudge Malcolm into a more womanly form but she wasn’t switching. Jessica was short (although not as much as Malcolm right then) and she did have a figure similar to the one Malcolm now possessed. It made me smile that Jessica wasn’t too far from his ideal, although he denied it and said, when I asked, “I just picked it because it’s not…too much.”

Like a cat before a bath, Malcolm regarded the tub with annoyance. After much pressing, we got her to agree to “explore herself (for the sake of her girlfriend)” in the privacy of the bathroom.

Allison waited by the door and I returned to my breakfast. One way or another, I would see Lissa today. She may not have an explanation for why she missed her call, but I wasn’t about to hold that against her. Malcolm’s food was beginning to cool. And it cooled even further as she remained in the shower longer than expected. Allison said she could pick out squeaks and “intriguing sounds” from the other side of the door.

I was getting ready for class by the time Malcolm staggered out of the bathroom, murmuring, “Pulsate settings…holy fucking shit…”

Allison lingered and asked her, “Have fun?”

Malcolm clung onto his pride despite a terrible poker face. He staggered through excuses and hasty sentiments before blurting out, “I know you need this back. But…for Jessica…it would not be terrible if I tried a few things…briefly. So…uh…I would. If you have these devices around when you’re not using them. I mean not everything is learned from a first try. Not a memorized button combo. Not…not…I’m not saying anything else!” She stormed off and Malcolm emerged from his room with the device and controller in hand as he reiterated, “Not a word about this.”

We both motioned to seal our lips but we exchanged a look. If only I had about two more devices, one for Allison to keep and one for Malcolm to “learn lessons from”. Allison’s expressed even greater ambition before he went into his room to get dressed for class, “If we could get Clayton in on this too…well he’d probably weaponize these things in a few days….but imagine Clayton and Malcolm both as Kinrae. I wonder who Clayton would pick?…Hmm.”

I left him to his playful imagination and took the loaner device with me to return to Lissa. As one final test of the battery theory. I tried on Lissa’s device and then, after a little effort, was able to replicate Corlie (without her braids). I waited that way for a bit as I packed up and made sure everything was ready and then deactivated the device. Instant switch back to myself. No delay. And there it was. 

I felt vaguely-disappointed. Like I thought I’d stumbled onto something which was more than just random chance, something which meant something. Some weird sign. It had been interesting to speculate on. A little scary and bewildering, followed by mysterious and exciting. But it came to nothing. I debated consulting this Naltra that Tessa gave me information about. I could just pass along the problem to the professor. That’s the way I should’ve done it but I didn’t mind the error. And it would just time out as a fail-safe when the battery died. 

Still, there were enough unknowns and confusing elements. Such as why activation didn’t have a delay and Allison’s voice changes. I tested my voice. No changes for me. I could only shrug and continue about my day with my own device back in place and my braids as neat as when they were first done. 

This time to class was getting normal. Not as many looks or I wasn’t paying attention to them anymore. I caught the bright colors of a classmate on the way there, who turned out to be Elizabeth Mendoza. She was tall next to me with a lean figure and a very nice jogging outfit. Her hair was a much darker green than Lissa’s form choice and not nearly so long. She spun around and then tried to guess who I was without me telling her. She actually guessed after two tries but then I was one of only a half-dozen people on campus she knew by name. 

I went along with her to the student lounge for some free water bottles. They weren’t the best. The plastic top looked like it wouldn’t survive the long quarter in my bag. Allison might be able to make use of it though.

We passed by a few others from class. An assortment of colors. No Lissa yet. The one with the stark-orange hair nearly blinded me. Our group certainly caused some excitement when we gathered together for class. There were a few people with their devices currently off. Still no Lissa.

I waited through the opening of class and found my usual seat. I waited as the rest of the seats filled up, although her usual spot in the back remained empty. Right as Professor Brandt was sitting down and turning on the microphone on the other side, a blur of auburn hair slipped in through the door and settled into the seat in the back. It was her.

She had her head down and didn’t acknowledge any of my waves. I sighed and let her be. One of the first comments from Brandt was actually about technical troubles. “If there’s anything really weird going on then you’re gonna probably get your best answer via email to me or to our advisor intermediary Kinrae, Tessa Shortridge. You may have already seen her around.”

I leaned forward. Reaching back into the depths of my mind, with moments where it would catch everything a professor said and when it would let the mass of words wash over like a sudden but steady rainstorm, I couldn’t pull out where the professor may have mentioned we had an advisor intermediary. 

I raised my hand to put forth this issue before my nerve dwindled. 

“I ran into Tessa. She advised me about a delay in the device turning off. But I didn’t know we were going to have a Kinrae advisor or anything.” I wanted to ask as well about Allison’s side effect but I couldn’t figure out a convenient way to explain it without admitting I was loaning the device.

Brandt explained, “Tessa came into this last minute, just this week. It’s kinda new to me as well. Typically there isn’t a lot of oversight of the devices by the Kinrae who deliver them to the college. So far as the delay, I couldn’t tell you off-hand. What did Tessa say?”

I relayed what she said about a battery problem which I assumed to be a bad battery. Brandt pondered on this a bit and agreed but admitted, “Tessa would know more...so far as I’ve been told.”

Someone on the other side of the video conference, in muffled, buzzy tones, relayed that they had an oddity similar to what Allison had experienced, with their voice sounding unusual. It was only temporary though. Brandt referenced how such problems usually went away with time and use.

The other technical questions were lost forms or navigating the menu as well as problems dealing with the screen and forms suddenly cutting out due to a bad signal from the controller. I rested against the wall and looked towards Lissa. She had on a heavier gray jacket than usual. She glanced away and struck up a conversation with the person next to her.

Most of class was a lot of technical troubleshooting before we finally got to impressions. There were some really deep comments which were far more lucid than anything which dribbled out of my head.

“It’s incredible to think that several someones gave all the details of what they looked like to let people they will never meet experience a little bit of what it’s like to be them. It kinda reminds me of this one cultural group the textbook mentions and their opinion that the human body is somehow inherently sacred and you must share it visually and celebrate it in all its aspects. I wonder if the Kinrae may have some equivalent.”

The professor consulted the textbook and soon found that particular group and used it for a bit of speculation while contrasting them with what could be known about the Kinrae. I doodled some notes but soon found myself surprised when the Professor singled me out. She asked why I picked my particular form, noting, “You have bright blue hair which is intricately braided. I don’t remember any form choices with that.”

I gave credit to my roommate, which caused a curious look from the professor. Likely none of them on that side knew Allison personally. Professor Brandt also asked me what I felt I’d learned so far from the experience. I pondered a bit and thought about Lissa in the back before I offered my full response.

“I can’t say for sure what I’ve learned yet. There’s still so much I’m just trying to absorb but…I’ve found a lot of things about the Kinrae for myself which feel important to all of us. There have been people and things I’ve treated like they’re flawless. There was always something about the Kinrae which made me think that. Like they're divine beings. But I’ve discovered so much humanity in what I’ve seen which makes me see them more clearly. And that helps me to see the people around me differently. People who I couldn’t imagine ever relating to become more understandable. It’s like walking around in a different skin helps you to see how shallow that skin really is, if that makes sense.”

The professor leaned forward attentively and replied, “I’m sorry but part of that cut out in transmission. I think yeah…you’re getting at what I’ve said is the core of this class. To see cultures with a better sense of objectivity. Alright. Good start there, Sean. And why did you choose the blue-haired form of yours? Apologies if you said and we missed it.”

I sighed and replied, “No reason. I just put the device on random and decided it was alright.” There were scattered chuckles on the other end of the microphone and the professor said, “I see. So, who else?”

The discussion went around each side a few times with the other end monopolizing some of the long discussions. I’d said my piece though. I looked back to find Lissa with her head up and a soft expression on her face. I responded with a quick smile.

We had an actual break for a few minutes about halfway through the conversation as book pages started to be mentioned. I hadn’t kept up with the reading but I was still able to follow it. During the break, Lissa hurried from her seat and wove between people on the row to get over to me. She said only, “We need to talk after. And I’m ready. Finally ready. I think. I hope.”

I nodded back to her and gave her the device and controller. She looked at them and glanced at the screen. For the break, the live microphone was turned off. Still, she lowered her voice and asked me, “You sure? What about Allison?”

I had to take time to think of my answer. “Allison is fine. There are options.” I held my controller against myself as if to say, “Allison can use mine.” Lissa pursed her lips and told me, “But we need to talk still. I feel like…. I mean I know this week has been a mess. And I made it worse. I don’t want to do that ever again, especially not to you. We can find a conference room in the student lounge to talk.” Then she took her device and controller and inched her way back to her seat.

Class finished with that looming over me. Lissa left first and I followed at my regular pace. She was there way before me and had signed up a conference room. It was one of the smaller ones with a single whiteboard and a short table. She paced a little when I came in. I deactivated Corlie and waited through the delay till my male face was back.

She followed that by telling me, “I prefer that face.” Before I could respond, she took a quick step towards me and kissed me firmly on the lips. Her hands touched at the sides of my cheek, brushing my faint facial hair, before she finally released me with a nervous pant.

I stared at her with my lip drooping slightly. She clenched her teeth and muttered, “I really don’t know if that was a bad idea. It was, wasn’t it?”

I returned her a calm, friendly look even as my mind was racing. She took a few breaths and then finally started to unravel things.

“I had a lot of long talks with Linnea…uh, Michael…It was so strange. I was so clenched my stomach was going mad. But things relaxed after a while. We talked. Really talked…you know? Probably the first time ever. We talked and it was like you said in class. It was like I could see him without my gritting emotions and my pain and all my stuff I’m hauling around and I was just looking at him. It was refreshing but I saw clearly so many things. I want him to see Quilla more. I really felt connected with him for once but….what we had won’t come back and I don’t want it to. They were bad years of overwhelming mistakes. Then we talked a lot about you…” She gave a cringe and apologized for that before she explained, “And I know that you are like a best friend to me and I trust you and I care about you. But there’s also something else. And I have no idea what it is but I just let it kiss you a little bit.”

She said a quiet “crud crud crud” to herself with her eyes glancing away. I approached and put my arm around her. She clutched my hand and her gaze pierced me. For a flash of feeling in her eyes, I thought she might kiss me again or unleash herself like Allison had done on Monday. Instead, she pulled herself close to me and rested there.

I rubbed her shoulder gently and she told me, “I’m really scared. I’ve been scared so much. I feel like there’s nothing but cliffs all around me everywhere I step and if I make a mistake then I’ll just go squish like a grape. But the problem is…I have no idea what to do or not do.”

I wrapped my arms around her, afraid that something might swell and give the wrong impression at this critical moment. I took a deep breath and told her, “I love you, Lissa. You are my best friend. You’ve said it too. And I’ve said other things. I mean all of them. But I know how complicated it is. I know you want to have a friend you can take to a calm meal or a silly movie and just not have to worry about other stuff getting in the way and making it complicated.”

She nodded and leapt in. “Exactly. And I thought I felt just that way. But since Monday…I wonder more and more what I really feel because so much of what I was feeling was shallow or ignorant or just plain dumb. I have no idea what I want.”

This was beginning to feel oddly familiar. I urged her that she wasn’t dumb and that she was smart and lovely. She waved me off, “I appreciate that but this isn’t my self-doubts needing placating. I mean I really feel like I’ve been doing something wrong. I feel so many things for you. I just focused on the friend stuff because it kept it simple. But that’s just part of it. It’s like you said, I don’t really understand you. I wish I could climb around in your head…and then in your pants.” She glanced away with her mouth clenched.

I invited her to sit next to me at the table. Her legs fussed about and she took a breath as she murmured, “God, I feel like a blasted teenager all over again.”

I waited till her jitteriness settled and told her, not sure where my own words were coming from, “You’re not a teenager anymore. You’re a mom and, as you’ve said to me, that’s so much scarier. You’ve been in a long-term relationship you thought would be for life. I can see what you mean by feeling like you only see part of it. But you need to make mistakes. I know you feel like you’ve made so many with Michael but even those mistakes are part of your life, part of living. You can’t live in fear of your choices being wrong.” Each word I spoke struck me as an echo but they also led me into a sense of uncertainty which Lissa was probably feeling too.

She listened and breathed until she said, “Okay…then I really need to make some mistakes all over you.”

If she’d said that Sunday then I would’ve been all over Lissa like my two girlfriends before. But I’d been through Linnea and a lot of reflection with Allison. I realized just sitting there with Lissa was beautiful. The quiet of the room. The warmth of her hand. Even the stark fluorescent lights overhead. And she was the most beautiful part in ways that words failed me. At the same time, I’d been discovering so much about Allison and so much within myself. I told Lissa all this as she listened and watched me carefully.

She pondered my words and pronounced, “You should choose Allison. You’re a certain way which we understand in one another. But they always say likes don’t match as well as those who complement each other. You balance Allison’s energy and she excites you.”

She had a point. I could tell that choosing Lissa would be harder. But why did I have to choose? I put this question to Lissa. She gave me a faint, warm smile as she said, “I know Allison wouldn’t mind if we both joined her harem….I wonder what my parents would say? They still aren’t keen on Michael living away from me.”

My face hardened as I told her, “You need to live your own life without worrying about them. If they still love you then it doesn’t matter. But if they don’t then you have to move on. You have to.” My hand trembled a little.

Lissa noticed the tremble and said, “I’m sorry to make you think about your parents. And with my choices….maybe it’s too soon and it’s all too raw for me. But kissing you was nice. A real kiss. You deserved it.”

Then we hit a moment like all the forces around us seized up. We could’ve said more to each other but nothing seemed to come out which might guide us to the next thing. So we sat there, until I hit upon an idea.

I told Lissa, “I’m going to Lawrence Park with Allison this afternoon…you know…the one way out there with the huge duck pond and everything. Would you like to come with us and maybe bring Quilla along?”

She narrowed her eyes and peered at me, “You want to take both girls you like on a date? You dog, you!” She tempered her words with a grin.

I waved my hand and told her, “It’s a big enough park to share.”

Lissa giggled and nodded. “That it is. Like half an hour to walk all around. And plenty of stuff for Quilla to be creative with. And she needs a healthy fear of geese. But…I’m going to have to pass.”

I didn’t push her. I accepted her answer and instead asked, “In that case, then a Thursday movie night is a must this week.” And I already had a film in mind.

For a fleeting instance, Lissa resisted, but she swiftly relented when I mentioned the movie and told her, “I refuse to leave my friend without a movie buddy.”

She brushed her feet together and told me, “Right. We can’t have that. Thursday at the usual time. Promise.”

That settled, I gave her a kiss on the cheek which lingered close to her mouth. She looked annoyed for a second but smiled. We then chatted about insane professors and I filled her in on the details of my encounter with Tessa. Lissa offered bluntly, “Maybe she’s stalking you. Maybe I’m her right now with a disguise on. You need to pinch my nose or else you’ll never know if it’s a falsie or not!”

I did so and Lissa gave a sudden honk before noting, “Clearly, I’m a dirty spy.”

We parted with smiles but I felt a frown drift across my thoughts, like a stray cloud, at the memory of Lissa’s parents. We had sailed and staggered and tumbled through that part of the conversation but I felt stuck in it. Lissa knew enough about my parents to not want to ask more and I knew enough of hers to know not to worry about the details. Her parents were viciously traditional, ruthlessly bitter, and sharply-tongued but they loved her deeply. She knew that well, despite all the arguments.

It wasn’t the same with mine. And that was as far as I explored that thought. I kept what I felt of my parents to quieter moments, to common gripes, and calm nights out in the hazy past. My dream had kindled sympathy for some other me but it also agitated memories when I dwelt on it. So I let it be. If I pursued it then it might infect the rest of my thoughts and I didn’t need that when I wanted Allison to enjoy a beautiful evening.

I carried that focus back home and delivered news of Lissa to Allison. He applauded and cheered but lamented the loss of the harem Lissa had suggested. He joked about that, noting, “Why stop at just the two of you?” 

It was still early enough that there was plenty of time to prepare the picnic meal. The basket for it would be a repurposed, wooden storage container Clayton had salvaged and wanted to turn into something diabolical before Allison rescued it for occasions like this.

Lissa. I mean Allison lingered a little but let me work on the food. I was feeling good about it. I would make sure that Allison loved this meal. I knew I couldn’t approach his culinary efforts but it would still be worthy of him. While I worked, he got used to my device and gave himself the pink-haired form he liked the most.

Our meal was nearly set, aside from a bit of organizing, when the phone rang. Allison picked it up first and answered with her best, girly voice, “Hellooooo?” 

She listened, nodded, and then passed the phone to me, announcing softly, “Uncle Nolan.”

I transferred the call to my room and smiled, saying, “I didn’t expect you to call back so soon. Things alright?”

He paused for a good while. Not the best sign. I pressed him and he quietly admitted, “I’ve been hush when I should’ve said something. I’m so sorry. First, I’m not dying. And it’s not about me.”

I shut my eyes and asked only, “What is it?”

He gave a long sigh. “There’s more than we suspected. Do you want to know?”

“Yeah. Go ahead.”

And so he did. I tried to breathe. The words were softened by Uncle Nolan’s care but they still slashed me and smacked me in all the sensitive places. I listened to as much as I could bear before I finally had to tell him, “No more today. Email me. Write it down. I’ll take it as I can.”

I could hear the kind of sounds my uncle made when he was trying to keep himself from sobbing. I told him, “No sadness. You were right to tell me. It hurts. It’s what I suspected. But it’s the painful truth.”

I said that but I wished I’d missed his call. I wished the phone had been down or it had gone to voicemail. I didn’t want to hear this. At the same time, it was a release. But a release into a den of hissing vipers. It wasn’t my uncle’s fault but I just wished I could’ve put it off for one more day.

He cleared his throat and said, “That isn’t all, I’m afraid. There’s one last thing.”

I braced myself. I listened. I rocked my head slowly. When he was done, it was my turn to be quiet till I could find the words.

“Never. No. I won’t and I refuse. Pass that along. Can you do that for me?”

He immediately answered, “Absolutely.”

My mouth trembled to say more and I couldn’t hold it back. 

“You make sure you say it to her the way I said it. I can’t… if I went then I would say how she gave up all her rights to be a mother long ago. How I wish for the day I can dance on her grave. How there are so many horrible things I want to curse and scream at her, that the language hasn’t been invented for. And that I want her to know that I always knew and now I have her own admission to the horrible things she did. And I hope she rots in that nuthouse…no, psychiatric hospital, as a courtesy to the others there…for the rest of her long days, which I beg to be filled with suffering. I would tell her that right before I choked the life out of her. So yeah…I’m never going to see my mother. Tell her simply ‘never’ followed by silence.”

Uncle Nolan apologized one last time. I sent him my best words with a smile on my face, despite the fact I was still furious inside. We parted with a dumb joke to which we both laughed more than we would’ve at any other time. 

I finished my picnic basket with a smile and a still face. Allison held her hands and looked up at me with a single question, “Is everything okay?”

With that same smile on my face, I lied, “Everything is great.”

25