Sean rested against me for a long stretch of emptiness which was broken up whenever we snaked towards the light of a major freeway. I looked through Allison’s books despite the dim, overhead lights. I looked over the ticket Sean had bought me for the return trip. We’d almost forgotten it.

I set it on the nearest counter in case the conductor asked for it. I thought about what Sean had said about Uncle Nolan. It wasn’t a bad idea. I could figure out a reason to stay with him until after the weekend and it would eliminate the need to explain things to Clayton and Malcolm. I wrapped my thoughts around the idea but ultimately rejected it. The two of them were going to find out eventually. No more deception and hiding.

Sooner than I expected, we rolled into our last stop at the local station. Despite the fact the entrée I’d had earlier didn’t seem that spicy, I arrived with a torrent of gurgling and cramping which made me thoroughly regret supper. Thankfully, Allison had some dried ginger and papaya for me to chew, which really helped. Still, I’d probably need something else later. Allison promised to brew her best herbal tea.

Lissa exchanged hugs before getting in her car. She promised to call…which got a twin wary look from Sean and me…then reiterated, “I will absolutely call.”

Sean took care of driving back and I had a rare opportunity to settle into the rear of Allison’s car with our cargo. The legroom wasn’t as nice as upfront but it was still nice. I was relaxed and smiled as Allison put a sweet, romantic song on the radio and flashed waves of amorous gazes at us.

The nervousness came when we pulled into the drive and I could tell that the guys were home. Hopefully in their rooms but they could be watching a movie. Allison and other Sean went in first and I stayed in the car a while. Eventually, Allison popped out of the door and waved me in.

They were both watching a movie. We quickly walked past as Allison showed off her books and plushie. Apparently (according to what Allison told me later) Clayton noticed and rubbed at his eyes before downing his drink and Malcolm didn’t even notice or at least didn't give any sign that he did. He and Clayton split what food Allison had left from the trip.

The sleeping situation was quickly remedied because Sean’s bed had used to be a bunk set but the top section was stored away in one of the spare rooms. Allison just cleaned it off and lifted it into place. I eagerly took the top bunk and leaned back against my pillow. Allison stretched up to give me a kiss then crouched to give one to Sean as well. She winked and told us, “I’ll be up a bit longer if either of you would like to stop by…”

I still wasn’t very tired but I could definitely go for a shower. I went first. I considered the device and the pulsate settings but wound up taking a shower as I was. We did get a few looks from the living room when it seemed that I was taking two showers but we got no comments.

While Sean showered with the device on, I used the computer for a while. I considered writing a few things down I hadn’t said yet, to preserve them. Of what I had left, there was one bit which still stuck firmly in my memory. I should’ve said it before, but I wasn’t sure if it would even make a difference.

When Sean returned with a towel around his head as cute anime Corlie, I resolved to tell him. As with everything, there was no good place to start.

“You should know that there’s a reverse to the thing which the Daemonrae call the Ae. It has no name but…” I sighed and paused.

He listened closely as I continued, “…In the same way the Ae is the source of all good things, this is where all the bad things originate. Destruction, darkness, and suffering. It can get into living things and it can exist as them….”

He let go of a sharp breath and questioned, “Are you suggesting this is why our parents are the way they are?”

I could only shrug. “I don’t know as much about this as the Ae but I have enough to wonder. I mean we’ve known for a long while mom is nuts despite Uncle Nolan’s sympathy for her. We’ve felt she’s evil with something fundamentally wrong with her. If one of those good spirits the Daemonrae revere has been around us in the past…it could be that terrible things found us before that.”

I wasn’t sure how much I bought into all this. It felt so mystical but I was hardly one to talk as the copy of someone standing in front of me.

Sean gave a slow nod and said, “If mom is infected with something evil or is something evil then that would make sense. Like some real, actual demon thing inside her. But I also have to wonder…what if she's a fundamentally-sane person who chose to cause suffering? Not connected to some dark force but doing what she does because she wishes to? Nothing pushing her that way. I dunno which is scarier…”

He had a point. I hugged the chair and swiveled slowly. We discussed a bit about yin and yang but neither of us knew enough about the idea for me to say if the Ae and this unnamed dark force were comparable to that human idea.

Eventually, we let it go. We didn’t worry that we’d have to deal with mom and dad. We just let the present moment exist. We played a two-player game on the computer. We discussed random memories of Uncle Nolan. We considered a late call. We wondered if we should disguise me or have me use the device and pretend to be a friend of Sean’s. The answer was decided as Malcolm knocked on the door and I had no place to hide.

We invited him in and he stared between the two of us. He only asked, “So….busy day?”

Sean remarked, “You could say that.”

Malcolm sighed and, after asking for confirmation whether we found out if the device was safe to use or not, asked for it and the controller because, “It was one of those days for me.”

After that, we pretty much stopped hiding and brought on only the briefest of confused looks from Clayton before he was jotting down an idea on a scrap of paper. I could only imagine some sort of duplicator or teleporter had slipped into his mind. Malcolm emerged later as the young girl of the other day and made hanging out with Clayton much more interesting.

We didn’t resolve the name situation. I was still Sean, despite everything. But I agreed to use Corlie as a nickname if it made things easier for others. Malcolm used it constantly. I had to think of a girlish name for him. Malissa? Nah.

Before long, the house situation was back to something approaching our normal sort of strangeness. I was accepted as a unique consequence of the device for Sean (which was technically correct). So far as other details, neither of them looked particularly interested in the long explanation at the moment since Malcolm was delighting in just being a shy, young-looking girl and Clayton just looked bewildered at everything around him.

I returned to the room later and found out that Sean had given them the short version of events with Allison’s help. It didn’t change anything for me. Although I did get a comment from Malcolm wondering why a girl would want to turn herself into a boy. I teased him by suggesting his girlfriend try boyhood out while he was an anime girl. He didn’t reject the possibility quite as quickly as I expected.

Sean went to bed a little while later. I learned quite well how badly he…I snored as I glared down at him and settled back against the bed. The bunk wasn’t bad and it afforded me a nice view of the dimly-lit posters on the walls. Not even halfway through class and how I saw them had changed so drastically and, I assumed, how Sean did too. I didn’t have to go back to class but class had changed everything about my life, just not in the way the professor probably intended. I had changed myself. We had.

I rested at some point but felt relieved the night was dreamless. I felt good when I woke up despite just a few hours of sleep and a groggy Sean. I hopped up to help Allison with her breakfast prep work. I peeled and skinned and broke and stirred. I don’t know if I did it with the same energy that Allison somehow possessed at such an early hour but I did it to the best of my ability as Sean. The others soon made their foot-dragging arrivals. Malcolm was back to ‘normal’.

They couldn’t distinguish which parts I had made compared with what Allison had made. I felt a little flash of pride about that. Breakfast wandered into the regular routines except for me and Sean. Allison offered to come with us but we felt we had to do this alone. She let us borrow her car for the day though and hitched a ride with Malcolm, who looked to be coming off some sort of anime girl high.

Black Willow County was just north of the park we’d visited, further into the desert where the flat emptiness was only broken by distant hills and random buttes. It was enough of a drive that we’d owe Allison a couple of gallons in the tank on the way back. And it was long enough to give us time between searching for what stations worked on the radio to ponder what to say. We knew we had to do this. Tessa and the Daemonrae knew we had to do this but we only had the vaguest inkling of what we were supposed to do. The last time hadn’t been very pleasant.

But it was too late to turn back. The North Brookville Hospice was in the same isolated medical complex funded by the county along with the mental facility and a minimum-security prison. The walls around the complex went for what felt like a mile. The medical area was wrapped in more trees than probably covered ten square miles in all directions. The parking lot was only about half-full, with plenty of spots near the front. The building itself was stark, colored like the rest of the desert, etched in straight lines, and what Uncle Nolan always called “East German architecture”. The glass windows were pitted badly and a gale burst through as we entered the squeaking, sliding door.

First would be a visit with dad. I wouldn’t need to show my ID. They just needed my name. I gave it as “Corlie Kurtz” to the tall, scruffy security guard at the front desk and both liked and regretted the alliterative sound of it.

Dad was up on two at the end of a long, desolate hallway. Most of the other patients were in long-term hospice care as well. We announced ourselves to the nurse and she looked us over. I wondered if she remembered Sean and was going to ask the obvious question. While my clothes weren’t the strange combination they’d been yesterday, Sean and I had both chosen similar colors.

She gave a quick chuckle and noted, “Haven’t seen many twins lately. Alright. He’s still in 222.”

We thanked her and made our way down to his room. It had a flatscreen TV in the corner and an old couch Uncle Nolan had donated along with a plant and some other touches by the staff to make it feel more friendly. Dad lay in the bed with his head and legs tilted up and surrounded by bulkheads of pillows and sheets. His right hand was clenched and behind his head, while his other hand shook slowly like he was trying to play an invisible guitar. His face was scruffy today.

None of his bitter scowls or twisting anger showed on his face. He wore an expression that looked halfway between confusion and worry. We took up a pair of chairs on the side his head was turned and watched him. He still had the crease of the scar from the bullet.

We looked at one another. I could tell Sean didn’t want to start but neither did I. Dad moaned a little. We had no idea if he did that because we were there. Eventually, I spoke a thought aloud.

“You were an asshole, dad,” I spoke without emotion. Sean picked up my words and added, “In some ways, you were worse than mom because there were days we had hope that you might treat us like your child rather than something that never worked right for you.”

Naturally, he gave no answer. I breathlessly recounted events, times where I was angrier than I showed. I recounted how I felt. I recounted what I wanted to scream so many times my head felt like it would explode. I growled about a childhood lost, a childhood that wasn’t even mine but which I felt so deeply. Sean touched my hand and he took his turn.

The times when I actually sided with him against mom. But mom was the mountain insurmountable. You could never be right. You could never get anywhere. You could never exist but within her orbit and that was just on the normal days.

The poison, the pain, the fear they’d fed us. We both wanted to raise our voices but this was a hospital. We didn’t dwell on his infidelity but we both told him how we hated him for hurting Uncle Nolan and wished he’d been put in prison for that (although that would’ve left us with mom).

There were other things. So many things. A lifetime of angry voices and intolerance and hate. Our best efforts were only fuel for the fire. There were things we’d forgotten or locked away. There were big things and little things. We tried to unseal as many as we could but, despite both our minds, some of those events were lost to a dark mire of hopelessness and pain.

When we were down to the marrow, we stopped. Dad puzzled at us like we were some new plant. Everything just felt raw inside, like punching a nauseated stomach and expecting to vomit away our problems.

We sat there without anything else to spew. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to choke him almost as much as mom. But, seeing him there, it felt so pitiful. He was a shell. He was nothing. All the rage that defined him was gone. All the sharp bitterness which saw everyone as his opponent. It was a slumping figure of flesh. I leaned forward and said the one thing I never thought I would say to that face.

“I forgive you, dad.”

Sean jerked his head towards me. I wasn’t sure I meant it. They were just words but there was no point in building the hatred, in elevating the past. As I told Sean, mom and dad were both a bitter, painful remnant of our past. Maybe that’s what the Daemonrae wanted us to do, to forgive the past and let go of it? Their advice had been vague but I figured some sort of reconciliation was what they were going for.  

Saying that statement didn’t feel revelatory or calming in the least. Dad didn’t say anything. He didn’t move. He just stared and drooled.

Sean clenched his lips and said, “You destroyed whatever parts of my life I had which mom hadn’t touched. You stole years of my life. I should hate you forever. But I don’t want to waste that effort on you because it takes away even more of my time. So yeah, I forgive you too, dad. Not out of kindness or understanding but because I need to let go of that emptiness.”

There was little else to say than that. We walked together for a bit, getting a few raised eyes from the medical staff but nothing more. It would be a bit of a walk to Black Willow with the prison in the way but the wind had settled down. We grabbed a few drinks from a vending machine along the way. The walk was good but did nothing to settle what we’d said to dad as the right thing or resolve what we would say to mom.

Soon, we were at the check-in for the mental facility. It was older, like it had been dropped from the east coast to the middle of a desert with no consideration for design. The wire-threaded, barred windows were gray and dust-matted. It looked so out of place and haggard. Rather fitting.

The security guy had Sean in the system as we tried to get around the fact there were two of us. Eventually, he just threw up his hands and signed us in, as it was clear we were related. Since Uncle Nolan was the primary contact, we could deal with the confusion later through him.

This time, mom was brought to us. I went in first. It was a small visitation area with another family meeting with a resident who had her head down. I saw certain people with spastic tremors. There didn’t seem to be any of the movie-celebrated crazy types you often worried about at a place like this (not that I’d seen any of those the previous times I had...Sean had come either). I scratched nervously at a dry patch on my left wrist. I’d need to get some lotion from Allison.

A tall, heavy-set nurse led Theresa in. She was laughing and talking to someone behind her. Her hair was about the same as usual, a little wild. She looked like an older, human version of Tessa but brushed with wrinkles and patches of darkness around her eyes.

She exclaimed, “Sean! Seaaaan! Oh my God! I never thought you would come! Can’t fucking rely on my faggot brother. But somehow you got the information! It’s been too long. Come on, I need a great big hug.”

She held her arms out with her palms spread and a strange, smirking gaze.

I approached her. The nurse gave her a look like she wanted to make sure she patted her down one more time. I carefully put my arms around her. The familiar smells. She still had her smell from all that time ago: a scent that made me small and afraid. I fought against it and gave her an embrace which was calculated to be as long as I could tolerate without acting like I was evading her. It was a skill I’d learned, deceptive hugs, because I knew that even a genuine hug could be turned into a wrath of hatred. I remembered the time she accused me of trying to break her hand because I turned when letting go of a hug and bumped her arm. She made me feel like shit for the rest of that day.

This time, she let me go without incident and settled into the chair closest to her. She set her hands in front of her and asked, wide-eyed, “So, what’s new?”

I settled into the chair opposite.

I told her I was going to college and taking prerequisites. She tossed a hand out and said, “Really? Are you working?”

“Not right now but I hope to be soon.”

She admonished, “You need to be working at your age, no matter the job, or you’re just dead weight. I was working at age eighteen, over my head in responsibilities, going to college, and trying to survive at home. Your gramgram was grandad’s other woman, so he didn’t need to think anything of me. But there were days he’d take me to Woolworths and buy me so many new dresses. He just said, ‘whatever you want, Tessie’. Last time there was a man in my life who just did something like that without expecting anything in return. But by the time I was eighteen he’d been dead for years and it was Grandpa Paul. I know you remember him. I fucking hated him. I hated being alone with him. He would touch me when mom wasn’t there. He wouldn’t stop. He called me his ‘sexy girl’. Mom was furious. She hated me. She was jealous that he paid more attention to me than he did to her. She thought I was trying to steal him away from her for myself. I wanted out of there so much. I had to fight to get out of there. I had to fight for everything. Every scrap of money, every ounce of dignity, every moment I wasn’t afraid…”

Tears dripped down the sides of her cheeks. She paused as I went to get her a bit of tissue from the nurse’s station. Once she’d dried her eyes, she continued, “So, I got the fuck out of there. But working wasn’t any better as a school librarian. The principals liked all the pretty girls. I was young at least, so I got the job, but I didn’t titter and laugh and play around like all the pretty girls. But I worked hard. Always work hard.” She gestured with a narrow finger then flashed another smirk.

“And? Don’t clam up on me like you always do, Sean. I’m sure plenty else has happened to you. Any possibility of grandchildren yet? Any pretty girls in your life? Hopefully, you haven’t listened to any of Uncle Nolan’s crap and gone over to the other side. I dunno if I believe in demons but he gets close to that sometimes…”

This felt strange but still familiar. Conversations with her always started this way, with a layer of normalcy and courtesy with just enough venom to stir things later.

“Yeah. There is someone and I love her.” I hated the feeling of tiptoeing around, like I couldn’t call back my strength of self I had when facing Michael before Linnea.

“Where’d you meet her? Name? And what’s she like? Any plans?”

I took a breath. “Allison. She goes to my college. We’ve spent some time together. I’ve gotten to know her. She’s funny, an amazing cook, a wonderful friend, clever, adventurous, and just wonderful.”

Her eyes narrowed as she asked, “Not shacking up, are you? Girls who want to shack up with a boy are fickle. Sure, they show you a nice face but they can turn on a dime and decide they want something else. Or they’re just out for pleasure…sex….and would sleep around with anything.”

I took my first offensive as I said, “I would appreciate you not making judgments about Allison when she’s not around.”

She dipped back. “I see you know better than me. You don’t need a pitiful, insane mother giving you advice…Because what does she know? I would be careful with her, especially if you ever get upset with her. And you will get upset with her. Your father…right after we were married…fought with me. But he didn’t know what he was getting into. He tried to hit me, real hard. I got out the cleaver and I told him…’if you touch me like that again, then I’ll chop your hands off’. He could tell I meant it. I’d do it. I would’ve. He’d posture and preen but he is forever and always a coward. So, you better be careful with her. Be suspicious all the time. You treat her respectfully, or maybe she’ll chop something of yours off...”

These were things she’d said to me before but with calculated poise. It was an old game but I didn’t feel like playing. I said, “Uncle Nolan suggested there was something, in particular, you wanted to say to me.”

Mother brushed her hair back and said, “A few things. But I expect you to say some things as well.”

“Such as?”

“You really should apologize for all the times you treated me so poorly. I remember each and every time you cut me with your words and actions. I know you hate me. You want me dead. I’d love for you to kill me. Kill me. Pleaaaase. They don’t want me to say that but we both know we both want it. You want me dead because there’s a sickness inside of you. I’ve seen it since you were a little baby. I tried to get it out. I tried to will it out of you. I was firm but fair with you. I will admit I acted rashly on a few occasions. I thought if I nearly drowned you then it would change you. It would kill the sickness. You would change and everything would be fine. Like when we crashed. A divine hand leading us. We didn’t die either time. Surely, that means something. And with the gun. I could’ve really really hurt someone. So, in retrospect, I should’ve taken a softer hand. But there's nothing more I can do now. You’re free to a path of pure goodness or evil.” She leaned back in the chair expectantly.

She wanted something out of me: anger or fear, apology or acceptance of her. Say something harsh and she's won. Say nothing and she’s clearly won because I had nothing to answer her argument. I never figured out how to answer the no-win conversation, so I didn’t bother fighting it. Instead, I told her, “I survived you. And I will go on to thrive with Allison. I don’t care what you think about it. My life is my own.”

Setting her hands on the table, she stared with quiet intensity. “You’re only alive because of me. You have life because of me. But you’ve never shown any gratitude to a mother who has had to face so much pain and suffering. You’re fine to heap even more on me, like every other man I’ve ever known. I’m a thing that was useful to you once and now you discard it. Goodbye. Nothing to you. That’s all.”

I clenched my lip. Old, familiar words. Her classic snare. I had new thoughts for it. Well, ones I hadn’t said to her before.

“So then, if I were a girl…if you’d had a girl, then things would be different? Is that what you wanted?”

She settled calmly and said, “I wanted my boy. My beautiful little boy. All my own. Always my boy. If I had a girl then so be it, but I didn’t. I had you. I am your mother until death and beyond. Why would you even think of being a girl? You need to be a man. A strong man with righteous principles or that Allison will find someone better. That pervert Nolan hasn’t been filling your head full of weird ideas, has he? About men who think just because they cut off their little birdies that that entitles them to womanhood? Faggots who just want another hole to fill. You’d be cutting me if you associated with them.”

I wasn’t sure whether to consider that an indictment or an invitation. There was so much to say, so many bitter words. But I held them because I didn’t know if I could keep from screaming them. With people like Theresa in this world, I had to wonder if perhaps Naltra’s fear was justified. I told her, “I’m taking a class where I have to use a device to study the Kinrae, the visitors from other worlds. They’re all female.”

She replied, “Never trusted them. No one just shows up and does anything for pure kindness sake. They want something. I can tell. You drop that class. Ridiculous that any real school would have that when everyone is so afraid of them. You could really mess yourself up dealing with them. ‘Each after their own kind’. One thing should never become another….should never become something it was never meant to be.”

I had to say it. It was giving in. But I had to say it. I had no more cheeks to turn against her.

“You are the worst, most terrible person I have ever met in my life. You spread nothing but negativity and pain and I am glad you are out of my life.” My voice trembled.

It was the bait she wanted but I would’ve burst if I hadn’t said anything. She shook her head and said, “And out comes your true face. Insolent and ungrateful. I gave you everything you could ever want. You always had food, clothes, and toys. We had more than so many other people. They’d always tell me at work ‘you spoil little Sean’…but it was for my lovely little boy. I saved up whatever money your father didn’t piss away. And yet here you sit and spit in my face acting like you are alive all on your own…that you slaved away all on your own to get where you are. But you turn away from the most important person of all. It’s all because of me. You want me to die. You don’t care a sliver for all I did for you. You’ll see soon enough how the world works without me. You think you know so well…but you’ll learn the truth.”

I settled in the chair and told her, “I already know. I’ve grown to know the world without you and it is not all the bitterness and suffering you say. I am sorry how your life was but you passed it on. You perpetuated it. I don’t know why and I don’t want to know. And I would’ve traded so much of what you gave me, bribes for my emotions, if you treated me like you actually cared about me as a human being.”

My cheeks felt so hot and muscles all over my body were quivering. I didn’t raise my voice. Theresa repeated, “So insolent and ungrateful. You think you already know? So naïve. You know nothing of the real world outside your little college bubble. You think things are so nice. You’ll wish you had our days back eventually; I can tell. Allison is just a flash of enjoyment for you, like with all men. You think she’s pretty and can cook for you. You’ll find the bitter truth. You’ll see.”

I stood up from my chair. No traction. I told her I needed to use the restroom but really I needed to trade off with other Sean. I was drained. I was exhausted. I wanted to hit something. Theresa looked like she was glowing, refreshed and vibrant. The sense of this place diminishing her was gone. Like a vampire sucking up all the energy I’d brought in. I had to wonder.

She gestured with a hand to the door and said, “By all means. Run away. I’ll be here.”

I walked slowly to the door and I kept walking till I found Sean. We made our way into the bathroom. Fortunately, it was empty and I could lock the door. I passed along all I could about what mom had said without screaming. I couldn’t replicate the feeling but it was enough for him to shudder.

He put a hand on my shoulder and asked if we could trade clothes. I gave him a look but it would be easier than trying to explain why I suddenly decided to put on a change of clothes while in the bathroom. Other Sean’s clothes felt a little fresher than mine, which I apologized for. He didn’t mind. He took a breath before exiting and told me to head down to the cafeteria for something to snack on.

He left. I stared in the mirror. No matter how I looked I could see Theresa at the edges, like a phantom. I pressed my hands into the water and touched the glass. I crunched my teeth together until I felt them rumble. I bashed my fist into a part of the wall which looked softer than other spots. It wasn’t.

I massaged my red knuckles and sobbed as Theresa’s words echoed through my head.