Finding himself on the concrete floor of an alley, Chad’s Head was still spinning from his trip from Limbo. As his senses came back, he saw Tom standing in front of him, puffing away on a cigarette. “Tom?” Chad asked groggily. “W-where am I?” “You’re back in Seattle where you belong,” Tom answered. “I brought you here.” Looking around, Chad asked, “Where’s Emily? Alucard said I would see Emily again.” Hearing this, a horrified look crossed Tom’s face as he muttered, “Oh shit.” “What?” Chad asked bluntly. Glancing over towards the exasperated human, Tom answered, “I kind of sent Emily to Limbo in your place.” Staring on in horrified shock, Chad said, “Are you freaking kidding me?! The only reason I agreed to do this whole ‘swap thing’ is so I could see Emily again! Why did you use Emily for the swap?!” “Uh, well two things about that,” Tom explained nervously. “First, I didn’t know about the whole ‘reuniting thing’; and second, Alucard just told me to find anybody for the ritual. He did not specify that I should avoid Emily, so... you know.” Hearing this, Chad slumped against the alley wall in defeat. 

“It’s not fair,” Chad said weakly. “All I wanted to do was come back here and apologize to Emily, explain why I did what I did.” “You mean when you chose a job in another state over your relationship?” Tom asked. Scowling at the cait sith, Chad simply replied, “Yeah, that.” “Hey now, I didn’t mean to sound judgy. To be honest, when it comes to being a loser at love, I can relate,” Tom said as he pulled out a flask and handed it over to Chad. “Here take a load off and have a swig.” Eyeing the flask, Chad asked, “You carry a flask around in your pocket? I’m not judging or anything, of course. After all, I’d imagine those would be standard issue for anyone working for Krockman.” “True, but this isn’t mine,” Tom explained as he put the flask in Chad’s hands. “Tanooka Joe gave it to me to ease my nerves during my date with Emily. Right now, I’m slightly buzzed.” “Oh right, you were on a date with Emily,” Chad said as he took a swig from the flask, remembering their conversation from when they first met. “So how far did you actually... get with her?” “She called it a night before we even got to dinner,” Tom answered with a sigh. “Though, she did have the courtesy to tell me to my face instead of just walking out on me like my last date; and to be fair, she did see a guy get decapitated on stage at the show we went to and caught the severed head in her lap. That’s always a mood killer.” Looking surprised, Chad asked, “I’m sorry, someone was decapitated, as in had their head cut off?” “Well technically he had his head punched off, but don’t worry about it. He’s fine now,” Tom said in reply as he took the flask back and wiped it down. “Now then, why don’t we head back to Emily’s place. We talk more without having to worry about being mugged.” With that, the two losers of love made their way to Emily’s apartment, with Chad still reeling from all of it. 

When they arrived, Chad and Tom stared at the door nervously. “Well?” Tom asked. “Aren’t you going to knock?” “Me? Why me?” Chad asked incredulously. Tom only glanced over at the human and replied, “You know Emily’s roommates better than I do, and besides, I doubt they’re going to take it well when I tell them I sent Emily to Limbo in exchange for you.” “Well don’t look at me,” Chad retorted. “I haven’t spoken to them since the breakup. Do you know how damn awkward that is?” Huffing a bit, Tom said, “Fine, I’ll do it, you big baby.” With that, Tom knocked on the door and waited. After a few minutes, the door opened, revealing Chelsea and Lana on the other side. “Hey guys, how was the date?” Chelsea asked cheerfully. Noticing that Emily was missing and Chad was there, however, the troll girl asked, “Um, Tom? Where’s Emily and why’s Chad here? I thought he was living with Krockman.” “Yyyeah, that’s what we wanted to talk to you guys about,” Tom said nervously in reply. “Mind if we come in?” Confused by what was happening, Chelsea let the two in. 

After Tom explained everything that had happened, Chelsea and Lana stared on in shock and disbelief. “So let me get this straight,” Chelsea said as she steepled her fingers. “Emily’s trapped in Limbo and you put her there.” “Yeah, that about sums it up,” Tom answered, coughing slightly. “But to be fair, I was acting on Alucard’s orders, and the text he sent me was very vague about it.” “Well why did you bring Chad back?” Lana asked. “He didn’t know I was the one swapping places with her,” Chad interjected. “Ironically, the only reason I agreed to the swap was to come back to Emily and apologize to her for how I treated her.” Chelsea only glared at Chad as she sarcastically replied, “Yeah, real ironic.”  Facepalming, Chad said with a sigh, “Now what am I going to do? I can’t go back to my old apartment, and I’m sure as hell not going back to Limbo. I have no place to go to.” Looking around the apartment, Tom asked, “Why don’t you live here?” “Excuse me?” Chad asked in surprise. “Yeah, why not?” Tom said in reply. “The lease for the apartment covers three people, right? Emily’s gone, so why not fill in the space?” “Uh, excuse us,” Lana interjected. “But this is our apartment. We decide whether he lives here or not; not you.” “Yeah, do you honestly think we’re going to help him after what he did to Emily?” Chelsea added as she flicked her tail. “Chad made his choice and he chose the job over her. As far as we’re concerned, we owe him nothing.” 

As the group was arguing, Tom heard a knock on the door. “Yeah, I’ll get that,” Tom said, getting up from his chair and walking over to the door. Opening the door and peering out into the hall, he saw no one. Closing the door, Tom shrugged his shoulders, saying, “Odd. I could’ve sworn I heard someone kno...” Suddenly, the door flew open, crushing Tom in the process. Standing in the doorway with a bottle of champagne and a demented look on his face was Krockman. “It’s celebration time, bitches!!!” the lost soul shouted as he popped the cork on the bottle, sending a shower of champagne fizz onto the group. When he had finished spraying them, Krockman looked at the group with a wide grin on his face, only to be met with the collective pissed off looks from Chad and the others. “Uh, am I missing something here?” Krockman asked. “And why’s Chad here? Shouldn’t you be back in Fort Hancock?” “Funny you should ask,” Chad said sarcastically. “Tom swapped places between me and Emily, even though I only went back so I could apologize to her, and now, I’m technically homeless.” Placing a hand to his chin, Krockman replied, “So, you’re here, and Emily’s back in Limbo... interesting.” 

“Interesting huh? Well what about what you just did?” Chad asked in reply, slightly flabbergasted. “Coming in here, spraying everybody in the face with champagne ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ style. You practically crushed Tom to death with the door.” Hearing this,  Krockman went to the door and closed it, causing Tom to stumble out onto the floor, no worse for wear. “He seems fine to me,” Krockman said with little regard. “Anyway, As for the champagne, I’m celebrating my engagement.” “You’re engagement?” Chelsea asked in shock. “You mean you and Roquella...” “That’s right people, I’m gettin married!!!” Krockman shouted, cackling all the way. “What do ya think of that huh? Huh?!” “Well isn’t that wonderful,” Chad said with a hint of jealousy. “You get engaged to your girlfriend (which I’m amazed that you even have a girlfriend), and I’m stuck here, homeless, jobless, and no girlfriend.” Looking the human over, Krockman replied, “Don’t you have a severance check from your old jobs?” 

Hearing this, a sheepish look crossed Chad’s face. “Yyyeah, I don’t,” Chad answered. “You kidnapped me before I got the check from my last job, and the job before that... well, they were reluctant give me the check after I said a few choice words to everyone in the room.” “What kind of ‘choice words’?” Krockman asked cautiously. Cringing a bit, Chad continued, “I believe my exact words were, ‘See ya around fuckers! Have fun rotting in this cube farm hell hole!’” Staring at Chad in shock, Chelsea asked, “Why would you tell them?” “I was caught up in the moment, you know,” Chad explained. “At the time, I thought I was getting a higher paying job. God, now I have to go back there and grovel to that bitch, Carol Mason, for my job back.” When he heard this, Krockman’s eyes grew wide as he asked, “What did you say?” “I have to get my job back,” Chad answered. “This may come as a surprise to you, but people have to work to make a living.” Shaking his head, Krockman answered, “No, not that. I mean that ‘Carol Mason’ woman. Who is she?” “Oh, she’s my boss from my old job,” Chad explained. “Why do you ask?” Hearing this, Krockman smiled, grabbed Chad and Tom by the arms, and said, “I’ve heard all I needed to hear. Let’s go.” “Go? Go where?” Chad asked, confused by what was happening. “We’re going to get you that severance check, that’s where we’re going,” Krockman answered. “Plus, I have a few questions I want to ask this ‘Mason’ woman.” Before they left, Krockman turned to the girls and said, “Oh hey, you might want to work out a bathroom schedule while we’re gone. Chad here’s going to be your new roommate. Okay bye!” With that, Krockman and the others left, leaving Chelsea and Lana to sit there, wondering what the hell just happened. 

In downtown Seattle stood the headquarters for Conglomo Corp, one of the most heartless and corrupt businesses in America. At the head was the CEO, Carol Mason. Walking with an air of confidence and superiority, Carol made her way through the field of cubicles to her office after a dinner with her business associates. Waiting outside by her office door was her secretary, Janice, with a worried look on her face. “Good evening Miss Mason,” Janice said politely. “Is that a new suit your wearing? You really pull it off.” Carol only gazed down at the younger woman, brushing a brunette bang aside as she stated, “I know what your thinking Janice, and the answer is no. I will not be raising your salary, so kindly pull your lips off my ass and stop kissing it.” Lowering her head a bit, Janice weakly replied, “Yes ma’am.” Turning her gaze from the secretary to her office door, Carol asked in an authoritative tone, “Now then, have there been any new developments since I’ve been out?” “Well Miss Mason, do you remember that Chad Jefferson person who left for that new job down in Los Angeles last week?” Janice explained. “Well he’s back, and he’s asking for his severance check.” “His severance check?” Carol scoffed boldly. “Why does he think he’s getting a severance check? He quit, remember? He made that perfectly clear when he told me to ‘go fuck myself’.” “I know that, ma’am, and I tried explaining that to him,” Janice continued nervously. “For the most part, he took it well. The real problem is that the men who came in with him (some butler and a hobo judging by how they dressed) insisted that we give him the check and just barged into your office.” “They did what?!” Carol asked in shock as she threw open the door to her office. 

Inside her office, Carol saw an unusual sight. Sitting at her desk was Chad Jefferson himself (looking nervously at his former boss), alongside two other men. One was a lanky, scruffy looking man in a trench coat, a green polo, blue shoes and jeans, while the other was a lean, clean cut looking butler with a thin mustache. Looking at the group, Janice stated, “They’ve been waiting in your office for about half an hour now.” Rolling her eyes, Carol scolded in reply, “Thank you, Janice, for pointing out the obvious.” Turning to Chad, Carol asked, “Well Jefferson, I see your back. Might I ask what this is about, and who exactly are your friends here?” “It’s, uh, good to see you again Miss Mason,” Chad said nervously. “This is Krockman and Tom, and despite what they said, I’m not here for my severance check.” Raising an eyebrow at this, Carol asked, “Oh, then why are you here?” Looking at his old boss, Chad sighed a bit and said, “I want my job back.” “Excuse me?” Carol asked in disbelief. “I know, it’s a pretty big thing to ask for considering what I... said when I left,” Chad explained. “But believe me, I’ve been through a lot in the past few days. I need some stability in my life.” Looking the young man over, Carol replied, “I don’t know Jefferson, I mean you come into my office with your goons, you make a scene of it all. Just look at how upset you’re making Janice.” “Actually, I’m pretty okay right now,” Janice interjected. Carol only glared at the shorter red head and stated, “Thank you Janice. You just became completely useless.” “Look, just hear me out,” Chad continued his plea, his voice growing more desperate. “I need this job back. I’ll work for half of what you paid me if it means my life can start to go back to normal.” Hearing this, Carol thought it over for a bit, drenching the room in silence save for the tapping of her foot. Finally, after a few minutes of deliberation, Carol said, “Well, when you put it that way, it’s hard to say no. I think we can work something out.” “Oh thank you Miss Mason!” Chad said happily, shaking the CEO’s hand. “Trust me, I doubt either of us will regret this.” 

As the two shook hands, Chad finally felt as if his life was getting back on track... only for the sound of Krockman laughing his ass to bring him back to reality. “Are you serious?” Krockman said mockingly. “You people are actually happy about this, just blindly going into your work without a care in the world?” Looking at the lost soul in shock, Chad said, “Well yeah, it’s pretty damn important. People have to work for a living you know.” “He has a point,” Tom interjected. Glaring at the cait sith, Krockman stated, “Tom, do me a favor. Just sit there and drink to the health of your friends.” Tom only sighed as he pulled out a flask and took a swig. Satisfied with this, Krockman turned back towards Chad and Carol and continued, “Now then, as I was saying, you can’t just spend your whole life working, especially in the corporate world.” “I beg to differ Mr... Krockman is it?” Carol retorted. “I’ve worked for Conglomo Corp for thirty years now, and in that time, I’ve gone from being a simple intern to running the entire company through hard work and determination. I can assure you, it’s very rewarding work.” Looking the CEO in the eye, Krockman only snorted derisively, saying, “With all due respect ma’am, it doesn’t really matter high you are on the corporate ladder. When you die, people like you all end up in the same place.” Narrowing her eyes a bit, Carol replied, “Oh great, a Bible thumper. Let me guess, I should change my sinful ways or I’ll end up in Hell.” “Okay, first of all, I’m an atheist. God and everyone else can suck a big one for all I care,” Krockman said with a chuckle. “Second of all, for you there are worse places to be than Hell. But don’t take my word for it. See for yourself.” With that, Krockman snapped his fingers, causing a change of scenery. 

Looking around, Carol saw that she was in a mysterious haze, the only other person around being Krockman. “Where are we?” she asked nervously. “Where did my office go? Where’s Jefferson and Janice? What’s happening?” “God, you ask so many questions,” Krockman groaned. “This is Limbo, the afterlife for people who ran in the middle of the road of morality. As for what’s happening, let’s call it a sneak peek for what you’re in for. Oh look, here comes a sneak peek right now.” Before she had time to figure out what the strange man meant, Carol someone (or something) coming towards them from the haze. At first, she thought it was a businessman based on how it was dressed. However, as it came closer, Carol could that it was no human, its body cylindrical in shape and its face carved from wood like a tiki or a totem pole. The businessman walked towards the two with a single minded pace, staring off at a fixed point and barely noticing them. Finally, after a few minutes of blind progression, the businessman accidentally bumped into Carol, unsettling her greatly. “Oh, pardon me Ma’am,” the businessman said in a hollow yet professional voice, pulling a small card out from his coat pocket as he readjusted his suit. “Here, my card.” With that, the businessman continued on his way, only stopping to offer his business card to Krockman. 

Staring at the strange sight, Carol looked down at the business card, noting that it only read, “Totem Co.” “What is this?” She asked nervously. “What was that thing?” “That, dear lady, was a totem businessman,” Krockman answered with an almost sadistic glee. “He is the fate of all who put business before everything else: friends, family, hobbies, all the pleasures of life. Now, he’s nothing than a hollowed out, work obsessed husk, just like the rest of them.” Hearing this, Carol asked in shock, “The rest of them?” “Oh yeah. You can read, can’t you?” Krockman replied mockingly. “It’s called ‘Totem Co.’, and as you can see, there’s a lot more than just one businessman.” When Krockman had said this, the haze lifted, revealing a hectic swarm of thousands of totem businessmen. As Carol stared on in horror, Krockman leaned in real close and whispered, “This is Totem Co.: a group of burnt out husks tirelessly working to get a promotion from a CEO who doesn’t even exist. And do you know what the best part is? When you die, you’re going to end up just like them.” Shaking a bit in horror, Carol could only squeak out, “N-no. That can’t be true. It just can’t be!” “Oh, but it is,” Krockman continued with a smile. “Death is the ultimate equalizer, and the afterlife works on the basis of ‘get what you give’. Seeing as you have nothing in your life outside of your career, you’re pretty much screwed... that is, unless I help you.” With that, Krockman snapped his fingers, bringing the two back to Carol’s office. 

As Carol looked around her office, she noticed Chad and Janice were staring at her on a confused manner. “Where’d you guys go off to?” Chad asked. Looking off into he distance in horror, Carol only replied, “I think I was in Hell.” “Technically, you were in Limbo, but I guarantee, for you, it’s a lot worse than the Inferno,” Krockman interjected as he sat himself down at Carol’s desk. “But let’s forget about that for a moment, shall we. Let’s focus more on making sure you don’t go there.” “Well how exactly are you going to do that?” Carol asked nervously. Krockman only gazed up at the CEO, his vision somewhere between half asleep and half condescending. Finally, after a few minutes of contemptuous silence, Krockman said, “You don’t need to worry about the method. All you need to deal with is the payment, and it must be made in advance.” Hearing this, Carol began to grow even more nervous, her eyes darting towards Chad and Janice and praying they don’t notice the change. “Okay, what do you want?” Carol asked. At this, Krockman only smiled, saying, “Well normally, I’d accept what you consider most precious to you. But you don’t consider anything precious, do you? No, for someone like you, for a task as big as this, I’m gonna need something... bigger.” “And what would that be?” Carol asked. “First, I want you to give Chad here his severance check,” Krockman answered, golden froth dribbled from the corner of his mouth. “And second, I want information. Are you related to a man by the name of Ben Mason?” “Uh, yeah, he’s my cousin,” Carol answered as she wrote out Chad’s check, trying her best to ignore the stream of golden drool running down Krockman’s chin. “Last time I checked, he’s working as a producer at HBO. Why?” “Jusht checking,” Krockman said, his speech slurred by copious amounts of golden spit. After seeing Carol hand the check over to Chad, Krockman smiled before vomiting forth a deluge of golden mist, enveloping the CEO. 

When the mist cleared, Chad, Janice, and everyone else present saw not a CEO in her fifty’s, but a three year old dressed in a party dress. “W-what?” Carol asked worriedly, reeling from the loss in height and her higher pitched voice. “What happened? What didja do to me?” “Exactly what I promised,” Krockman said as he got up. “Your path to Totem Co. was already set in stone. The only way to change it was to wipe the slate clean, and as far as I’m concerned, decision making doesn’t start until toddlerhood.” “B-but I dun wanna be a toddwa again!” Carol protested (though it came out as more of a whine). “Imma CEO of a malty-nashy-nal corpor... corpa... a reewy big bidniss!” Krockman smiled condescendingly, saying, “Well tough nubs kid. You’re going to live your life again whether you want to or not. Besides, don’t think of it as a bad thing. Think of it as a second chance at life (just don’t screw it up this time around).” When Krockman had finished talking to Carol, he turned to Janice and said, “And as for you Janice, from one CEO to another, congratulations!” “Wait, what?” Janice said, taken back by what she heard. “Of course!” Krockman said cheerfully. “After all, you don’t expect a toddler to be in charge of a whole damn corporation, do you? Who better to replace her than the secretary she’s been crapping on for months? Also, you’ll be in charge of raising her, so good luck with that.” As Krockman watched a cheerful grin spread across Janice’s face, he turned to Chad and said, “Alright Chad, we got you your check and all is right with the world. Now go scrape Tom off the floor and let’s go.” Sighing a bit, Chad helped Tom, plastered and dry heaving, off the floor and propped him onto his shoulder. Before they left, Krockman turned to Carol one last time and said, “Oh Carol, if you ever see cousin Ben again, tell him Cooper Krockman is coming to pay him a visit real soon. Until then, have a nice life!” With that, Krockman and the others left, leaving Carol sniveling as Janice embraced her toddlerized former boss. 

As they left the building, Krockman walked ahead proudly while Chad struggled to drag along Tom’s drunken body. “Jesus Christ man, how much has Tom had to drink?” Chad asked as he shifted Tom back into place. “The Hell if I know,” Krockman answered nonchalantly. “But don’t worry about it man. He maybe mortal, but he has a liver like an Abrams tank: sturdy and built to take a beating.” “Well Thank god... I guess,” Chad said. “So who’s this Ben Mason guy, and why are you so interested in finding him? Also, is your name actually Cooper?” “Yes, my name really is Cooper, and Ben Mason is the man who drove me to suicide,” Krockman answered with a sigh. “I was just a writer working at HBO until that asshole took a script I was writing for a new series and turned it into the same sex and violence filled schlock fest they usually show on the channel and pinned it on me when it eventually failed. I guess that’s why I wanted to help you so badly. We’re both a couple of white-collared schmucks who got fucked over by businesses they devoted their lives too. We just have to stick together and tough it out.”  “Huh, that’s rather... bleak,” Chad said, letting the what Krockman said sink in. “But still, glad to hear that you care that much, and I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you. So, what’re you going to do now? What exactly are you going to do to Ben when you find him?” Hearing this, Krockman only shrugged and said, “Don’t you worry about that. As far as I know, the only thing you need to concern yourself is when we get our next appointment.” “Next appointment?” Chad asked. “What’re you talking abou...” Before Chad could finish, however, Krockman shoved a thick envelope into the mortal’s free hand. Seeing this, he opened the envelope, only to be shocked at the sight of twenty, crisp hundred dollar bills. Krockman only smiled at the look on Chad’s face, saying, “Welcome to the team. Consider that an advance.” 
————

Meanwhile in Limbo at the Hip-Hop Albatross, Emily and Alucard sat across from each other. Staring at the lost soul, Emily sighed and asked, “Okay, could you just explain this to me one more time? I’m having a hard time understanding this.” “Alright, but try to keep track, okay?” Alucard said politely. “Chad only wanted the job in Los Angeles because he didn’t want the two of you to worry about money down the road. He wanted to tell you this and let you know that he still loves you and wants to get back together with you. So I offered to set up a realm swap for him and sent him back to the mortal realm.” Looking into Alucard’s eyes, Emily asked, “If that whole point of sending Chad back was so he could be with me, why did Tom pick me for the ritual thing?” “Yeah, that one’s on me,” Alucard said sheepishly. “In hindsight, the text I sent him was pretty vague. Look, bottom line is that you’re here, he’s there, and the whole thing’s cocked up beyond all belief. End of story.” 

“Right then,” Emily said with a sigh. “What do we do now?” “Well, I’d invite you to my place, but it’s kind of cramped at the moment,” Alucard answered. “Apparently, Krockman’s shoved 5000 different bouquets of flowers into my house while I was out.” Looking at the lost soul with a bored expression (one born from her experience with Krockman), Emily asked, “I know I’m going to regret asking this, but why does he have 5000 bouquets in your house?” “Well that’s the incredible part,” Alucard answered. “Apparently, Krockman and Roquella are getting married.” “What?!” Emily shouted in surprise. “Are you serious? They’re getting married?” Alucard nodded, saying, “Yeah they are. The rest of us were just as shocked as you.” “Wow, I never would’ve guessed they were the types to settle down,” Emily said, still in shock. “I mean, Roquella actually suggested that I join them for a three way, and Krockman’s just... Krockman, you know.” “Yeah, I get what you’re saying,” Alucard said in reply. “Though, you got to admit, it’s gonna be one Hell of a wedding, am I right?” Emily could not help but laugh at this. 

“So, I heard you and Tom were on a date,” Alucard said as he rubbed his chin. “How’d that go?” “It went pretty good,” Emily answered with a smile. “Except... halfway through, I saw something... weird.” “What do you mean?” Alucard asked, growing concerned. Scratching her head a bit, Emily continued, “Well, Misfit and Roquella took on their ‘god forms’ (whatever that is), and Tom turned into this weird mannequin thing with a cage in his chest. He’s really concerned about it.” Having heard this, Alucard seemed perplexed and nervous, his eyes darting from corner to corner (as if something was weighing on his mind). “Uh, well, it’s no surprise that you’d have seen their god forms by now (after all, we aren’t called the Seven New Gods for nothing),” Alucard said, his voice and mood taking on a more nurturing tone as a smile spread across his face. “And as for Tom... well, you are aware that what you’ve seen of him isn’t his true form, right? He’s a cait sith, and cait siths don’t look like that normally.” Looking at Alucard and staring into his cheap grin, Emily knew that the lost soul was hiding something. However, knowing full well that he would simply deny anything about Tom’s true self (or the list with her name on it for that matter), Emily simply dropped the issue for the time being and wait to find some sort of clue about it. 

As they talked, Alucard heard the door to his store open. Standing in the doorway were Krockman’s cousins, Willam and Sophie, along with an entourage of strange looking scraps. “Hello there, Mr. Alucard!” Sophie shouted excitedly. “How are you today?” “Oh, hey there kids,” Alucard said cheerfully, heading over to the counter. “I’m doing perfectly fine. Glad to see you all here today. What can I do for you?” “Cousin Cooper kept going on about that Billy Joel song,” Willam explained. “You wouldn’t happen to have it in stock, would you?” Tapping his fingers on the counter, Alucard said in reply, “Well, I have a lot of songs in here by Billy Joel. Could you be a little more specific?” “Yeah, I think it’s called ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ or something,” Willam answered after some thought. “So do you have it in stock or not?” “Ohhoho, now that’s a classic,” Alucard said enthusiastically. “I’ll see what I can do.” With that, Alucard went back into storage to look for the CD. 

As Willam and the others were waiting, they noticed Emily was standing there. “Oy, Miss Emily? What’re you doing here?” Willam asked curiously. “I thought you were back in the mortal realm. You didn’t... die, did you?” “Ooh, maybe she’s on holiday!” Sophie interjected excitedly.” “Uh, sure, let’s go with that,” Emily said uneasily, trying her hardest to ignore the golden, glowing bullet holes in the kids’ coats. “So, um, who’re your friends here? Are they scraps?” One of the scraps, a grey and white weasel-like scrap with sickle claws on his paws and feet, torn orange shorts, and a red sash, answered, “Hey lady, we aren’t just scraps. We’re enlightened scraps.” Staring at the sickle scrap, Emily asked, “And what exactly does that mean?” “It means we’re smarter than most other scraps, and a lot stronger too,” the scrap answered as he twitched his whiskers. “The name’s Kama. This is Kasa, Ningyo, Kamen, and... wait, where’s Shinkin?” “I-I think he’s waiting for us at the Torii Gateway with Poe and the other two,” the mask scrap, Kamen, answered nervously. “He’s getting things ready for Teddi and Jimmy’s initiation.” “Wait a minute, did you say ‘Teddi’s initiation’?” Emily asked worriedly. “As in, she’s going to become one of you guys?” Kama only looked up at the young drok and replied flatly, “Yeah, that’s kind of the point. How do you know Teddi?” “She’s my daughter!” Emily shouted. Kama only raised a skeptical eyebrow at this. “Okay, she’s technically my daughter,” Emily corrected herself. “But that doesn’t mean I’m any less her mother. I need to see her again, make sure she’s alright.” Looking at the overprotective “mother”, Kama turned to Willam and asked, “Well Will, it’s your call. What should we do?” After a few minutes of thought, Willam answered, “She can come along if she wants. I feel like if it were me or Sophie, Cousin Cooper or our own mum would be the same way as her.” At that moment, Alucard came back to the counter, carrying the elusive CD in his hands. “Here you go kids, the best of the Piano Man himself,” he said as he handed the CD to Willam. “Thanks Mr. Alucard,” Willam said in reply as he took the CD. “Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to be going. Come on then Miss Emily, no time to delay.” Hearing this, Alucard looked shocked as he asked Emily, “Wait, you’re going with them?” “Yeah, but only to see Teddi. That’s all,” Emily answered. Grimacing a bit, Alucard said in reply, “Well, okay then. I just hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.” Not sure what to make of that, Emily left the store and following after Willam and the others. 

As they were walking, Emily turned to Willam and asked, “So what’s the deal with these enlightened scraps? They seem to take your opinion really seriously.” “Well Miss, that’s a long story,” Willam answered with a grin. “You see, back when me and Sophie were alive, Cousin Cooper got together with his pen pal from the East, Kuma, and created the enlightened scraps to watch over us and protect us from any danger.” “Krockman really did that for you guys?” Emily said in surprise. “Wow, I never thought he was so protective of... anyone really.” “Oh yeah, Cooper’s always been protective of us growing up,” Sophie said cheerfully, only for it to turn grim as she continued. “Of course, then there was that time at the concert. He was so devastated when he found our bodies. After we went back to Limbo, he just holed up in his fort for months, racked with guilt. We never saw him so depressed.” Looking shocked, Emily said, “Oh god, that... that’s terrible.” “It wasn’t completely bad though,” Willam interjected. “He did manage to find the angel of death responsible for it and tore his wings off (which is the worst thing that can happen to an angel). He still has the wings mounted on his office wall.” At this point, Emily had nothing more to say, to stunned by this new fact to continue the conversation. 

Eventually, the group made their way to the Torii Gateway, its imposing red arches towering over the landscape. Waiting for them was Poe, Calibur, the peppermill scrap Milbert, and a strange looking scrap that resembled a fungus infested cicada nymph. Judging by how it was as tall as Willam and the enlightened scraps, Emily assumed that this was the scrap Kama had mentioned earlier, Shinkin. “Evening all,” Willam said to the little group. “Is everything ready?” “Sure thing Will,” Poe answered with a fang filled smile. “Jimmy and Teddi are on their way, and Shinkin is ready to fight them.” “Wait a minute, a fight?!” Emily shouted. “You guys never told me there was going to be a fight!” “Hey! Shinkin doesn’t want to go fighting his new friends,” Shinkin interjected. “He’d rather he play a round of Mario Kart with them. None of you guys do it.” Groaning at this, Kama retorted, “Shinkin, we’ve been over this. The rest of us have been busy with setting all of this up. We don’t have as much time to play video games as we like, alright.” Squinting his good eye into a glare, Shinkin mumbled, “You’re just saying that cause you don’t want to play as Waluigi for the fourth time in a row.” 

Still huffing a bit, Shinkin noticed Emily was staring at him. “Who’s the pretty lizard-cat lady with the smaller than average byoobs, and why is she staring at Shinkin?” Shinkin asked flatly. “This is Emily. She’s Teddi’s ‘mom’ apparently,” Kama answered. “And don’t comment on her fun sized fun bags. Apparently women don’t like that.” “They don’t like it when you call them fun sized or fun bags,” Emily interjected, none too pleased about the scraps commenting on her breasts. “Besides, I was staring because I was concerned about the mushroom growing out of his eye. I mean, does it hurt?” The fungus scrap only shrugged, saying, “Eh, not really. Shinkin doesn’t really notice it anymore.” “Rrright, anyway, here’s the game plan Shinkin,” Kama continued, disregarding the conversation. “You’re gonna go in and give them a good fight. Use some spore bursts, a couple of mushroom bashes, maybe even some of those Roman candle shots we have in reserve, and if all else fails... break out Gokiburinkin.” “No, no, no, we are not breaking Gokiburinkin,” Willam interjected. “Need I remind you all, this is an initiation fight. We are not breaking out rage burst forms. That being said, do you understand what you have to do Shinkin?” Shinkin simply nodded, saying, “Shinkin understands. He just doesn’t like what he has to do.” With that, Shinkin left the group and made his way to the front of the gateway. 

Looking worriedly in Shinkin’s direction, Emily heard a familiar voice behind her saying, “M’lady? Is that you?” Turning around, she saw that it was Calibur and Milbert. “Oh, hey Calibur. I didn’t see you there,” Emily said in reply. “I see Milbert’s with you too. I haven’t seen him since dinner last night. To be honest, I’m surprised to see you both here.” “Well I’m here because Kama said that I could find clarity by joining the enlightened scraps,” Calibur explained. “Yeah, and I was having an existential crisis, and I’m just trying to find meaning in life,” Milbert snorted excitedly. “Apparently, enlightenment is good for that.” “Yeah, well don’t get hopes up,” Emily snarked. “So far, these guys haven’t done anything that seems remotely enlightened. I can’t believe they’re going to make Teddi fight. Honestly, I can’t Calibur, I can’t believe you’re going to allow this to happen.” “I don’t know what to tell you, M’lady. It’s just how it works,” Calibur said, trying to comfort the drok. Sighing a bit, Emily looked down towards Calibur, asking, “Well if that’s the case, could you two do me a favor? If this fight gets out of hand, could you step in and give Teddi and Jimmy a hand?” “Of course M’lady,” Calibur agreed with a nod. “Anything to make you feel better.” Hearing this, Emily smiled a bit, only for Milbert to yank on her pants leg, saying, “Don’t look now, but Teddi and Jimmy are here.” 

Meanwhile, down at the Gateway, Teddi and Jimmy were slowly approaching, toadstools in hand. “So what do you think this secret of Shinkin’s is, Jimmy?” Teddi asked as they were walking. “I think it might have something to do with taking on human form,” Jimmy said. “Shinkin mentioned it earlier and considering what I had to do to get these mushrooms, that better be it.” Looking up at the guitar scrap, Teddi asked, “Why’s that? All I had to do was read a creepy love note out loud. What did you have to do?” “Oh not much, just shove my hand into what was either a spittoon or a urinal, and I had to trick Chef Sweeney into beating up Mac,” Jimmy explained. “To be honest, I actually felt bad about the last one, if only because he’s technically Krockman’s son.” “Wait, Mac’s Krockman’s son?” Teddi asked, surprised by what she heard. “I thought they hated each other.” “Well, they do. Krockman created Mac from a virus infected laptop which caused him to have a permanent migraine, and Mac’s a megalomaniacal jerk with a god complex,” Jimmy explained. “But, of all the scraps in Limbo, Mac and Calibur were the very first scraps Krockman ever created. Those two are the only ones Krockman considers his sons.” Hearing this, Teddi placed a paw to her chin before asking, “Does that make them my cousins?” “I suppose it does,” Jimmy said with a smile. 

As they were walking, the two scraps saw a strange sight. Standing several feet ahead of them was Shinkin, his good eye seemingly worried. Beyond him was a small group, consisting of Willam, Sophie, Poe, Emily, Calibur, Milbert, and the other enlightened scraps. “Hello Shinkin’s potential new friends,” Shinkin said slightly half heartedly. “Have you brought the Toadstools of Truth?” Jimmy and Teddi answered this by presenting the toadstools in their hands. “Good, good,” Shinkin said as he observed the fungi. “You’ve done well. Now it’s time to earn the final Toadstool of Truth.” “Finally,” Jimmy said with an exasperated sigh. “But quick question though. What’s with the crowd here? Are they expecting something?” Looking into the crowd, Teddi saw Emily amongst them, a worried look on her face. “Momma’s here to,” Teddi said, growing a bit concerned.”Oh, that’s The ‘Emily’ everyone’s been talking been talking about. Not what I was expecting,” Jimmy said as he tightened his tuning pegs. “But seriously though, what’s with the crowd?” “For your final test, Shinkin has to do something he really doesn’t want to do,” Shinkin answered in his phlegmy monotone. “Shinkin has to fight you both.” Looking shocked, Jimmy asked, “I’m sorry, what? You  can’t be serious.” As if in defiance of this, Shinkin raised his hand, causing the toadstools to fly from Jimmy and Teddi, merging together into a long staff-like mushroom. “Shinkin really doesn’t want to do this,” Shinkin said regretfully as he wielded his shroom staff. “But the only way you’ll ever reach your fullest potential is for Shinkin to force it out of the both of you. Now prove your worth! Show Shinkin what you got!!!” With that, the battle commenced, whether Teddi and Jimmy were ready or not. 

Before either Jimmy or Teddi could protest, they were immediately smacked aside by Shinkin’s staff. “You’ll have to do better than that!” Shinkin shouted as he waved his staff. “Prove your merit to Shinkin!” “Now hold on a minute. Can’t we talk this over?” Jimmy asked as he tightened his tuning pegs. Shinkin only knocked him aside, shouting, “Talk is for the ignorant!” “Wait, Shinkin! Please!” Teddi shouted. “I thought you wanted friends!” “Shinkin does! He really does!” Shinkin replied, his voice quivering a bit as his grip tightened. “But this is what has to be done, for your own good!” Having said this, Shinkin vomited out a jet of purple sludge at the teddy bear scrap, sending her flying into Jimmy (much to the horror of Emily). As Shinkin slowly approached the pair, Teddi turned to Jimmy and said, “Jimmy, you have to do something!” Glaring at the younger scrap, Jimmy tightened his tuning pegs as he shouted, “What the hell do you want from me?! I’m a musician, not a fighter!” “How about doing something other than messing with your pegs!?” Teddi retorted furiously. “It’s a nervous tic!” Jimmy shouted as he tightened his pegs further, not noticing his strings were starting to glow. As the two were arguing, Shinkin jumped them, preparing to slam his staff onto them. Before the fungus scrap could strike, however, Jimmy screamed in panic, releasing the tension in his strings and firing off a bolt of lightning, sending Shinkin flying across the field (much to the shock of everyone present). Looking on at his work, mouth agape, Jimmy could only mutter, “Holy crap! Did I just do that with my mouth!? I didn’t know I could do that?” “Well whatever it was, keep doing that!” Teddi said excitedly. 

Meanwhile, back in the crowd, Emily was cheering the two scraps on with the enthusiasm of a proud soccer mom. “They’re doing it! They’re actually doing it!” Emily  shouted proudly. “We told you they’d be fine,” Calibur said in reply. “Looks like we won’t have to step in after all.” At the same time, however, Poe and Kama were watching, slightly disappointed. “Well look at that,” Kama said in a disinterested tone. “Jimmy’s found his fighting potential.” “Yeah, he has, hasn’t he,” Poe said. “Although, don’t you think...” “That this fight seems incredibly boring with Jimmy doing all the work. Yeah, it really is,” Kama interjected. Leaning in, Poe whispered, “Y’know, there’s a way we can make this fight a bit more interesting.” “And how do you do that?” Kama whispered back as he scraped his sickle claws together. Without saying a word, Poe pulled out his vuvuzela, moved his jaws a bit as if he was chewing something, put his horn to his lips and blew, sending a small dart rocketing into Shinkin’s back. Before the fungus scrap could register what had happened, he was consumed by a massive beam of orange and red colored light. When the light faded, standing where Shinkin once was, a hulking monster. The creature resembled an enormous, orange rhinoceros beetle with two large centipedes melded to the sides of its body by a network of fungi, simultaneously acting as it’s arms and legs. The beast gnashed its yellow, plate-like teeth as it flailed around a mace formed from a massive cluster of mushrooms. Glowering down at the two scraps, the beast only bellowed out a guttural “Goki!” before whipping his mace down. Fortunately, Jimmy and Teddi managed to evade the mighty shroom mace before it managed to connect. 

Staring on in horror, Emily could only ask, “What the hell is that thing?!” “That’s Gokiburinkin of the Revulsion,” Sophie answered in shock. “That’s Shinkin’s Rage Burst form.” Cackling like a mad man, Poe shouted, “Now we’re in for a real show, baby! Ain’t that right Kama?!” Kama only answered with a satisfied, “Hell yeah!!!” Glaring at the maniacal pair, Willam retorted, “You bollocking pillocks! I thought I made it clear, no Rage Burst forms! Why did you do this?!” “To make the fight more interesting,” Kama answered. “I don’t see what the big deal is.” “The big deal is that Gokiburinkin is even more mindless than Shinkin normally is,” Willam explained furiously. “It’s practically reprehensible, throwing two scraps who barely have any fighting experience into the path of that juggernaut. God help them both.” Realizing what they’ve done, Kama and Poe stared on in horror at the fight along with the rest of the group, watching with bated breath. 

Back at the fight, Jimmy and Teddi were desperately trying to evade Gokiburinkin’s assault. Jimmy tried to fire off another bolt of lightning at the fungal behemoth. However, no matter how true his aim was, Jimmy’s bolts did nothing to the monster, its hide too thick for the bolts to penetrate. More than a little annoyed by the guitar scrap’s attacks, Gokiburinkin flung his mace at Jimmy at full force. Seeing this, Teddi ran towards Jimmy to save him, shouting, “Jimmy, no!” Teddi was right between Jimmy and the mace when it came rocketing at her, only to be caught in the teddy bear scrap’s paws. As the mace screamed against her paws, Teddi began to transform, her body stretching into that of a woman, her hair becoming shaggier, her limbs becoming that of a bear (with sharp claws sprouting from her fingers), and her little teddy bear cap transformed into an actual bear head. Emily watched on in disbelief as this bear woman, her surrogate daughter, casually took one hand off the mace, balled it into a fist and punched the mushroom ball, sending it rocketing back into Gokiburinkin’s face. The mace exploded into a cloud of spores, causing the hulking scrap to stagger about before collapsing onto the ground, reverting back to his usual self as Shinkin. Satisfied with what she had done, Teddi returned to her usual self, her usual, cheerful smile plastered on her face. 

As the crowd stared in utter disbelief, Willam finally spoke up, “Well, uh, that was unexpected. But, regardless, the fight is over. Teddi and Jimmy are the winners. Kama, Poe, since it was your bright idea to force Shinkin into his Rage Burst form, you have the honor of dragging him back to home base.” Without saying a word, Kama and Poe ran over to Shinkin’s unconscious body and dragged it off, while the rest of the group gathered around Jimmy and Teddi, cheering and congratulating them. “Oh my god. You guys were amazing!” Emily shouted as she picked up Teddi and hugged her. “I’m so proud of you Teddi.” “We all are, Miss,” Willam said cheerfully. “And I’m proud to announce that Teddi and Jimmy have officially begun their journey to enlightenment.” “Wait a minute,” Jimmy said. “You mean this whole thing was just an initiation for us to join your group?” “Well, yeah,” Calibur answered. “The enlightened scraps saw that the four of us were ready to start our pilgrimage, but only me and Milbert were ready when we first met them. So, Willam came up with a plan to help you take the first step towards enlightenment. That lightning bolt trick of yours is sure to come in handy if we ever get into a fight, don’t you think?” Jimmy did not saying, however, simply staring off into the distance in abject shock. Seeing Jimmy’s shock, Willam turned to Emily and asked, “So Miss Emily, what’re you going to do now that you’re in Limbo?” “I’m not sure,” Emily said, finally coming back to reality from her maternal bliss. “For now, I think I’ll head over to Roquella’s place and see if she can let me stay until I can find a way back to the mortal realm.” “Ooh, ooh, can I come along?” Teddi asked excitedly. “I promise I’ll keep you safe.” “Sure, you can come along, if it’s alright with Willam,” Emily said in a motherly tone. Hearing this, Willam thought it over before saying, ”Well, alright then. Just remember to come back soon. We’ll need you at the base soon enough.” With that, Emily and Teddi left the little group and made their way back Babel; the peaceful silence temporarily broken by Jimmy shouting, “Did I just get conscripted!!!”