A Taste of Regret – Ch.1 – Uncovering Secrets
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This short story is a sequal to A Taste of Dysphoria and A Taste of Kismet, and will make more sense if you've read those stories first.

Also, please note this story deals with some intense emotions and dark situations, and the tone is somewhat different from our previous stories.

 

:=: Amanda :=:

Amanda started the engine, then pulled the minivan out of the driveway. Jenny was sitting next to her in the passenger seat, and Sadie was in the middle row, seated behind Jenny.

"Here we go, first day of high-school..." Jenny said, with a mix of nervousness and excitement.

Amanda smiled, "You'll be fine, sis. Grade nine isn't really that much different from grade eight. It's just a bigger building and there's more people."

It was the first Tuesday of September, first day of a new school year. Amanda and her twin were starting grade twelve today, while their younger sister Jenny was starting grade nine.

Jenny was wearing a blue denim skirt and a t-shirt, she had her backpack on the floor by her feet at the moment. The thirteen-year-old took after their mom in the looks department, with her light blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. She'd been letting her hair grow, it was now down past her mid-back.

From the back seat, Sadie asked "Hey since it's the first time all three of us have had a chance to talk without mom around, what did you two think about dinner on Saturday?"

Sadie and Amanda were nearly-identical twins, the only differences being their eyes and hair. Amanda's hair was a slightly darker blonde than Jenny or their mother, and she had hazel eyes. Her skin looked slightly tanned, compared to her mom and younger sister. Sadie shared her sister's complexion, but her eyes and hair were both brown, the exact same shade as their dad's had been.

Along with the differences in their hair and eyes, the twins had very different tastes when it came to clothes and appearance. Amanda kept her hair cut at about shoulder length, and she preferred skinny jeans and tight t-shirts. Sadie liked her hair longer, she kept it long enough to reach partway down her back, and she also preferred wearing skirts and dresses.

At the moment, the brunette was wearing a mid-calf length dark purple skirt, and a green and purple blouse. Sadie also tended to put more time and effort into her make-up. Amanda just had on a pair of tight blue jeans and a little orange t-shirt, and a bit of lipstick and eyeshadow.

Amanda scowled a little at her twin's question. "I didn't like him. He seemed creepy to me."

Saturday night mom had finally brought her new boyfriend home to have dinner with them. He hadn't really said or done anything wrong, but Amanda had gotten bad feelings from the guy every time he looked at her.

"I dunno." Jenny shrugged. "He didn't really talk much."

All three of them had known for months their mother had been seeing someone. They'd suspected it since last spring, and mom had finally admitted it in August.

Mom hadn't exactly said it, but Amanda figured she didn't want to bring the guy home or introduce him to the three of them, till at least a year had passed since their dad had 'disappeared'. And of course the week after that anniversary had been her and Sadie's birthday. She and her twin turned seventeen just a month ago today.

So mom had waited till a week after their birthday to actually tell them she was seeing someone, and then waited till the long weekend in September to finally introduce him.

"What about you, sis?" Amanda asked. "What's your take on the guy?"

Sadie replied, "Well like Jenny said, he didn't say much? So I don't really know how I feel about him." She paused, then added, "But mom's been happy, right? I mean, I think that's important. And she waited a long time before introducing us and stuff... I think she's doing a good job trying to balance her own needs against trying not to upset us three?"

Amanda pulled into a spot in the high-school parking lot, then turned to look back at her sister with a bit of surprise. She'd sort of expected Sadie would be the most upset out of the three of them.

"Really?" she asked, staring at the brunette. "So you're ok with mom seeing him? It doesn't bother you at all?"

Sadie glanced around outside the minivan, making sure nobody was nearby. Then she replied, "I was worried from the start that mom might get lonely and stuff. What happened to me was a big change for all of us. I just want her to be happy, and I've always known that could mean she'd eventually find someone else."

Jenny suddenly exclaimed "Ooh, there's Nancy! See you two later!" She grabbed her backpack and jumped out of the van, hurrying off to talk with her friend.

Amanda was still looking back at Sadie. "I guess you're right. But I still didn't like that guy. I know he didn't say much, but he just seemed creepy to me."

"Mom's known him for like, half a year now or something?" Sadie pointed out. "Maybe give him a chance, for mom's sake?"

Amanda nodded slowly as she finally turned off the engine and emerged from the van. She picked up her backpack from the back seat, and said "I'll think about it."

The two of them headed into the school together, but soon went in different directions. Sadie was looking for her girlfriend Ashley, and Amanda was looking for her boyfriend Ben.

• • • • •

"I haven't decided yet where I want to apply, but it's definitely going to be an engineering program somewhere." Ben explained, before taking another bite of his pizza. Then as he was chewing, he continued, "I don't know yet where I really want to specialize, either? Like, structural, or mechanical... I want to design stuff, build stuff. I just haven't decided yet what kind of stuff's more interesting..."

Amanda and Ben had met up with Sadie and Ashley for lunch, now all four of them were eating and talking about the future. Even though today was the first day of the school year, it was also the start of their last year of high-school and they couldn't help but think of what would be coming next.

They'd invited Jenny to join them too but she was sitting with a group of her own friends. That was probably for the best anyways, she needed to get used to high-school with her friends and start meeting other grade nine kids.

Amanda smiled as she watched her boyfriend. He was a bit of a nerd, but he didn't look it. Sort of the best of both worlds, as far as she was concerned. He was smart, geeky, and funny, but also attractive. He had short red hair, blue-grey eyes, and some faint freckles on his cheeks. He was no athlete, but he was no slouch either. He dressed very casually, like today he just had some beat-up old jeans and a t-shirt with some Japanese text screened across the front.

Sadie and Ashley were sitting across the table from herself and Ben. Those two were a great match, and Amanda was happy her sister had finally found someone she meshed with so well. The two were both into fashion and style. Even though they both used to be thought of as quiet loners, they also had a bit of a reputation as fashionistas.

Ashley had straight black hair that hung down just past her shoulders. Her skin was fair, and she had bright green eyes. She was pretty, and like Sadie she almost always wore a dress or skirt. Today she was wearing a dark green dress, it was sort of long and flowy, and had some decorative embroidery around the sleeves and neck.

Ben and Ashley were both slightly older than Amanda and her sister, but all four were in the same grade. Ashley was only two months older, and Ben was nearly six months older, with his birthday in February.

Ben finally stopped talking about his engineering aspirations and asked, "How about you Sadie? I remember Amanda said you were planning on going to law school?"

Sadie made a bit of a face. "Ugh, no. That stuff's boring as heck." Her scowl then shifted to a smile, "You know how Amanda's sort of looking at getting into acting, like movies or tv or theatre or something? I'm looking at that too, but more behind-the-scenes. Like maybe going into design? Working on costumes would be neat. Or maybe getting into writing or something. I don't have the personality to be like, infront of the camera or infront of an audience kind of thing? But that sort of work, out of the spotlight, would be really neat."

Amanda had a hard time keeping the shock off her face as she stared at her sister. "Since when? I thought you wanted to get..." She almost said 'get back into law' but caught herself. "I thought you wanted to go into corporate law?"

The brunette shook her head, "Nah. That was dad's thing. I don't wanna follow in his footsteps any more."

Amanda was still staring at her twin. "Since when? Does mom know?"

Sadie shrugged, "Since last spring maybe? I don't remember. When we were choosing our electives for this year, I'd already made my mind up. That's why I took art and creative writing this year. And no, I haven't said anything to mom. She never asks what I'm doing or what I'm into anyways."

Amanda didn't know what to say, she just kept staring at her sister for another minute or two.

Ben asked, "How about you Ashley? What are your plans?"

"I honestly have no idea." Ashley said with a sigh. "I signed up for art and creative writing so I could share more classes with Sadie, but... I don't really know what I want for the future."

Ben nodded, "I know it's hard for some people to figure it all out. And there's always the chance of getting it wrong too? I worry sometimes, I'll go through four years of university or whatever, get a job, and then find out I don't even like it." He shrugged, adding "I think it's unlikely, but I still worry now and then."

Sadie leaned closer to her girlfriend so they bumped shoulders, "You don't have to have it all figured out, Ash. It's fair and valid to just deal with stuff as it comes, and sort out the big stuff later."

Ashley smiled a little, but she still seemed self-conscious about not having any plans yet for the future.

Finally as the lunch period was nearly over, Amanda said "Oh sis, before I forget!" She took the key-fob for the van from her backpack and handed it over to Sadie. "I'm going out with Ben after school, so you can drive Jenny home."

"Thanks sis." Sadie smiled as she took the keys. Then she grinned at her girlfriend, "Maybe after we drop Jenny off, you and I can go out too?"

:=: Elizabeth :=:

"Bye mom see you later I'm going out with Ashley!" Sadie shouted on her way out the front door.

"Did you clean your room?!" Liz called back. All she heard in response was the front door slamming.

She sighed. At least she'd have the house to herself for a quiet afternoon. Jenny was out with friends until dinner time, and Amanda had already gone out with her boyfriend.

Liz slipped the bookmark into her novel and set it down next to her chair. She made her way up the stairs and opened the door to the teen's bedroom.

She glared, "Damnit Sadie!"

Liz had been asking the girl to clean her room for the last three days. Now it was Saturday and she'd had all morning to tidy up. Instead she'd wasted her time doing who-knows-what, and now she was out and likely wouldn't be back till her bed-time at eleven o'clock.

The bed wasn't made, there was dirty laundry scattered about the floor, some school books laying open on the floor and on the bed, three half-empty cans of root beer, and two dirty plates.

Liz shook her head angrily. Last September, Sadie had almost been the ideal teen. She was neat and tidy, she didn't talk back, and she was good about doing her homework. Liz wasn't sure when all that had changed.

She wanted to blame that Nesbitt girl. It was easy to believe that somehow the girlfriend's influence was causing her brunette teen to act more... Well, to act more like a teen.

Liz knew that wasn't entirely fair. She knew it was just as likely that Sadie was simply acting her age.

This time last year she was acting a lot more mature, because up till the month before she'd actually been much more mature. Now Sadie was acting a lot more like a typical seventeen-year-old. She and Amanda were more alike now than ever, much to Liz's chagrin.

With a deep sigh, Liz started cleaning up. The dishes and soda cans went first, then the dirty laundry. The books were picked up and stacked on the desk, and finally Liz started making the bed.

She found another book under the pillows. She took a couple steps towards the desk, intending to put it there with the others, when she realized it wasn't a school book. It was a diary.

Liz hesitated. She knew she shouldn't snoop, but curiosity got the better of her. Sadie was unique, and Liz couldn't pass up the opportunity to get some insight into how the girl's mind worked, what sorts of things she thought about.

She sat down on the half-made bed, and opened the diary to the first page. The entry was dated July thirty-first of last year. The first day of Sadie's new life.

The handwriting was distinctly Sadie's right from the start. The letters were large, round, and very feminine-looking. There was no doubt that this was the diary of a teenage girl.

As she read though, Liz recognized the actual style of writing. The choice of words and sentence structure sounded like her husband. She could have believed David had been the author, that he was dictating the text and Sadie was just writing it down for him.

The first entry described how happy Sadie was. Happy about being Sadie, happy to be her 'true self' now. Liz sighed a little reading that. Being Sadie was as far from 'true self' as it was possible to get, in Liz's opinion. The entry also mentioned how glad she was that Jenny accepted her, and how she was worried and sad for making Amanda upset.

Liz flipped ahead through the pages, and stopped at an important-looking entry from the twenty-second of September last year. The page was decorated with doodles of happy-faces and hearts. The handwriting style was very much 'teen girl', but the actual text still reminded Liz of her husband. The entry described how Sadie was so happy she was giddy, because Amanda had called her 'sis' for the first time.

She stared at it for a few moments. Liz hadn't realized how important it must have been to Sadie, to be accepted by Amanda like that.

Liz read the next couple pages, and saw Sadie had recorded similar entries over the next few days. Every time Amanda had called her 'sis' or referred to her as a sister, Sadie had written about it.

Then there was a gap of a couple weeks, and the next entry was in mid-October last year. A longer, more serious entry. Sadie had apparently figured out, or at least she had a theory, of why it was so difficult for her to make friends.

The magic her aunt Maria's witch friends worked had written Sadie into everyone's minds, but no-one actually knew her.

Consequently, people remembered Amanda had a brunette twin, they sometimes even remembered seeing Sadie, but nobody had ever actually met her or spoken with her. And that may have led people to assume Sadie was distant, weird, shy, or otherwise anti-social. Now that Sadie was here for real and trying to be friendly and socialize with people, everyone was a little wary of her.

Liz sighed. Well, at least Sadie had some friends now. She spent a lot of time with Ashley of course, but she was also spending more time with Amanda and her friends. Perhaps now that it was her second year as Sadie, she was finally starting to overcome the assumptions people had made about her last year.

She continued reading, flipping ahead through some more pages. She got to the holidays last year, an entry dated December twenty-fourth, and there were more hearts and happy-faces covering one of the pages, along with sketches of snow flakes and snowmen.

I said 'merry xmas mom' this morning and didn't get told-off or glared at! She just smiled and said 'merry xmas' back to me! I hope this means I can finally start calling her 'mom', that she's finally ok with me!

As with Amanda, she hadn't realized how important it had been to Sadie to be accepted like that by her. Liz sighed again, staring at the page for a few moments. She didn't even remember that happening, it was probably such a non-event for her it didn't even register. But it was obviously a noteworthy moment for the teen.

Finally, she flipped ahead some more. Liz noticed as she was doing this that while the handwriting remained pretty much the same, the tone of the text had been gradually changing. Over the months, the entries read less and less like her husband dictating to a teen girl, and more and more like the teen girl was providing the text herself.

She'd already known that happened, she'd noticed it herself some time last winter or early spring. It was still sort of upsetting though to see it documented in the girl's writing like this. And it reminded her again of what she'd lost, when David had become Sadie.

The next page that caught her attention was from last April. The page was full of doodles of skulls, tombstones, and broken hearts. Liz knew what that was about before she even read the entry. It was the day Sadie's first girlfriend dumped her.

She was surprised to find the next several pages were actually packed with writing, more so than the rest of the diary had been. Liz found herself reading closely, rather than just glossing over it. And the more she read, the deeper her frown.

A few days after the break-up, Sadie started writing about a boy. Liz couldn't remember any indication of the brunette being the least bit interested in boys. Yet here she'd been writing about someone named Gord, also known as Ash. It seemed as though Sadie had quickly become infatuated with this boy.

She turned the page and got her first shock. Ash had revealed a secret to Sadie, she was trans. She was going to change her name to Ashley. Her parents were making her wait though, until she was eighteen. Sadie had written quite a bit about how she was worried that when Ash turned eighteen, her parents would find some other ways to delay her or block her from transitioning.

Liz started to get a bad feeling, as she thought about the girl Sadie had been spending most of her free time with since last May.

As she continued reading, she felt her blood start to run cold, and a sick, heavy feeling settled in her stomach. Sure enough, Sadie had secretly met with her aunt Maria and asked if she and her witch friends could help Ashley.

The next couple paragraphs however, caused Liz's blood pressure to start to rise and her hands to shake. Sadie had also asked Maria about last summer, and Maria had revealed a terrible secret.

The witch had told Sadie the truth about what had really happened to David last summer, the real reason Liz had lost her husband. The curse Maria had placed on David for four days had left a permanent scar on his mind. That was why David had been desperate to become Sadie.

Liz's worst fears and suspicions had finally been confirmed in Sadie's diary. Adding insult to injury, even though Sadie now knew the truth about what Maria had done to her, the teen simply didn't care. She actually wrote that she was grateful for it! And she'd deliberately kept the truth from Liz.

Last summer Liz had asked David repeatedly if it was possible Maria had influenced him somehow. He'd never said anything about being trans before, and when their youngest child came out to them, David's reaction had not been positive. Her husband had dismissed Liz's concerns though, and he'd obviously never confronted or questioned his sister about it. Eventually he'd insisted on getting Maria and her witch friends to change him. And thanks to that magic, all their lives had been changed to accommodate him.

Those lies had cost Liz her husband, and cost her two children their father.

All this time Liz had pushed her suspicions and feelings aside. She'd let herself adjust to Sadie and accept her as part of their family. She'd let herself believe that Jenny's coming out had led David to do the same, that it was always part of him but he'd kept it repressed or buried. And now here it was in black and white. It had all been lies. First Maria had lied, or at least concealed the truth. And then when Sadie found out, she'd done the same.

It almost felt like Maria had killed her husband, and then Sadie helped bury the body. David was gone, there was nothing left of him in that girl now.

Of course if she'd known last summer that it was all because of Maria's magic, Liz never would have allowed David to go through with it. She'd have demanded the witches fix their mistake. And if they'd refused, or if David had insisted on going ahead with things regardless, she certainly wouldn't have allowed Sadie to remain here with her and the girls.

Liz gritted her teeth. She closed the diary and stuffed it back under the pillows. Then she stood up and walked out of the room with clenched fists, slamming the door behind her.

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