Becoming Myself

Dear soon-to-be-formerly Philip Wagner,

I'll start with the fun part first. The transformation is amazing. It's like being shot full of the best drug you can imagine while your head swoons and your body is literally out-of-control.

It begins four hours, on the dot, after you finish reading this letter. Plan accordingly.

Why did I write this and send it to you? Because it was time. Your address and name entered my head and refused to leave until I was done writing. I suspect you'll encounter the same when the time comes for you to write.

You're my third. My letter urged me not to dwell on the past or the "chain", but there are no rules to this. I suspect, if I really wanted, I could just write "Say hello to boobs" and that would be it. Not that I want to delay or bore you, but I'm still figuring this out.

But back to the fun part. Yeah, it's coming. Four hours. I ran around the house with goosebumps on top of goosebumps to the point that my skin felt like porcupine quills. I had the most aching hard-on of my life. While my brain fearfully-questioned everything, my body and soul were on fire with anticipation and excitement.

Relish this time. It's the craziest countdown of your life. You don't have to fret about proving your identity or losing your mind. The lady who came before me (not supposed to dwell on, I know) was so sweet and my writing can't come close to hers, but she assured me that we will remember who we were even as the rest of the world forgets.

I suggest pulling up some old stories you like, some fun images, or just kill some time on YouTube. When it begins, you'll know.

It feels like a hand made of energy has grabbed hold of you. But it's gentle and tender, like a delicate feather. The lump in your gut vanishes along with whatever doubts you had. This is happening. Your life as a man is over and it, whatever it is, is going to make you a woman.

And it goes right for your crotch first. No dancing around it. Like getting hit with a cold but intense and unrelenting "intake".

You may have pushed your balls inside a few times. Prepare for them to suddenly pop up and stay there. The most intense realization is that, no matter what you tried before, your body is being pressed past those natural limits. Your manhood will feel raw and concentrated as it slides against your skin. Having a new opening sinking deep inside you will expand your feelings to surreal heights. You will be a twisted sponge of sensation with no means of release till your body figures out how to get turned on again.

Don't get too lost in that feeling because the change doesn't stop. Those goosebumps will shake you as your skin ripples and aches. It doesn't hurt but imagine everything you can feel being tightened like a rubber band and then gently released.

Your bones come next. I expected pain but, aside from some brief pins and needles, it feels more like an Icy-Hot patch applied inside you. I was in bed, like my letter writer, and I think this helped.

Somewhere around here, my throat shifted and a voice I would never have to practice at sounding girly drifted out of my mouth. I had a little fun with it before the fat started to move.

My butt warmed and bulked up as I gazed at my chest. I'd taken my shirt off so I could watch as my already-perky nipples swell with color and feeling. I'd only considered hormones, so the intensity and speed of this change took my breath away.

Sitting up awkwardly, I felt them slide and shift, tugging firmly on my pits. An unreasonable part of me wanted them to burst out and loom past all my imaginings for recompense and punishment. But the force beyond me had a goal in mind. They settled big and soft, so strangely-familiar and warm but not so huge that they overwhelmed me.

You should go through much the same process with a deep 'ringing' sensation when it's complete. Take in this moment, you will be riding a high like no other. I was terrified whether to move, lest it all slip away like an illusion.

It took me forever to notice the changes around my home, especially the blanket I was spread across. Just standing up was an adventure. My hair fell across my shoulders, long but not so heavy it was uncomfortable. The baby giraffe-like steps to the bathroom were both rapturous and nerve-wracking.

Finding a wide-eyed woman in the mirror whose face would never need shaving and whose expression matched what I felt when I tried to look in the mirror is something that is burned into my soul for the rest of my life. Just finding yourself in your reflection is such a revelation that I finally understood what is so nice about mirrors. And I wished that I had a full-body one, especially since I was several inches shorter.

Seeing bare breasts, my breasts, yes, my breasts, was a rush but still a little embarrassing.

You must treasure those first few hours as one would a perfect pair of glasses or an illness vanishing from your body. The feelings were all raw and new, from the way your girlish thighs shift when going up stairs, to how your body fits into a bra, to simply taking a breath. Clarity and purity are the best terms. Just walking around will bring you a peace you haven't even imagined in ages. What you thought it meant to be human, to be alive, will be shaken to its core.

But...even the most intense human experiences shrink with adaptation and familiarity. Remember these early moments because there will be waves to follow.

You will forget about your bra straps. You will have to search to remember what it's like to get a hard-on. Well, not shared by a partner. You will find flaws, imperfections. I noticed several at once.

While the transformation will reshape you, it can't make good, healthy choices for you. You will have to care for yourself and see how much you care about how you look. It may be weird to stand around in a skirt with a purse on your shoulder, but half the world understands already.

Don't get lost in wide-eyed naivete. Not everyone will be nice and those who are nice might be holding something bitter behind their smiles. Some things change but the world remains the same.

You might be worried about the Big thing but it's another part that comes with the territory. Still, it's a rough rollercoaster which doesn't care that no one prepared you for it. I've included some annotated print-outs for you, better than you can get at a doctor's office.

Don't be afraid of professing ignorance, there's plenty of ignorance in the world and the fretful kind is easily forgiven.

You will lose friends in the shuffle, but you will also learn more about them than you ever knew.

Expect some existential chaos. You're a woman now, you've always been a woman as far as anyone else is concerned. Don't be afraid to seek out or keep going to therapists, this isn't a sign something is wrong.

The way I think about this change is that I used to be swallowed by eleven feet of ocean water and fighting to find the surface. Now, I'm floating and I can swim, but the depths are still there. You may not understand that now, but you will.

And I should wrap up this letter. You're probably speed-reading through it to get to the point where you can begin. I don't blame you but keep it around. I hope it can offer you some solace. I've included my contact information on a separate page in case you need a friend who knows what you've gone through. I added that part myself.

So far, I haven't broken any rules. Not that there seem to be any rules. No one judging how good a girl I've been. No one waggling a finger when I've stepped out of line. Just a future and the choices that come from it.

See you soon,
Your friend in change
Eleanor Holloway