I dropped my arms to my side, a loud sigh escaping my mouth. “What?” she asked defiantly. I could tell her that it’s not safe to come with me but she knows that. I could tell her that I’m planning on leaving for a long time but she knows that too. I could tell her that I don’t want her to come but that would be a lie.
I reached out my arm to take one of the bags from her and swung it over my back. “We need to find some protection. We should join a sect.” She threw me an apple. I took a bite out of it, the sweet juices blazed through my mouth reminding me I hadn’t eaten in days. She laughed at my expression, she must have realised I had nothing to eat. It was probably my stomach’s loud groaning. I continued to devour the apple.
“If we’re joining a sect, why not the ones nearby?”
“They don’t suit me,” I said.
“Aren’t you just being picky?” she asked with her hands on her hips.
“I have to be picky!” I argued. “My cultivation technique requires a partner and I doubt my reputation is going to work in my favour here.”
“So anywhere in, or around the city is out of the question.” She said as she walked towards the door upon a final sweep of the house. “Put this on,” she said as she took a straw hat from a hook on the wall.
“Why didn’t I think of this…” I said, disappointed in myself. She chuckled as I adjusted the hat to hide my face.
“You’ve had quite a lot on your mind lately, I would imagine.” She laughed as she opened the door to leave.
“That I have,” I sighed as I followed her out.
“Then, allow me to pick the destination?” she asked, walking alongside me.
“Well, I know next to nothing about what’s outside the city so I think that’s best.” I said, cursing the old Sen’o’s lack of education.
“I’ve got a pretty good place in mind,” she smiled mysteriously as we set off.
We walked through the city, trying to stay inconspicuous. Fortunately my hat and our plain clothes were enough to keep eyes off us. We finally passed the last few houses and were greeted by the sight of a long road surrounded by acres of farmland.
Safi swivelled around to give the city a last look. I turned too, I was happy to leave it behind but would be ever thankful to it. I looked at Safi as she turned too and smiled at me.
“We best be off,” she said and turned to the road again. I jogged to catch up and we began walking.
“Care to enlighten me as to where we’re going exactly?” I asked after a minute of silence.
“Well, I read about a place called Gutura. It’s a city South of here. Buried in the trench of a large mountain to protect itself from the harsh winds and ferocious fauna inhabiting the surrounding jungle.”
“Sounds inviting,” I said a little sarcastically.
“It’s said to be the most beautiful city on the continent,” said Safi smugly.
“Well, I suppose I won’t need a sect for protection if it’s far enough away.” I said with a shrug.
“Oh, there’s a sect there as well.” she said now with a very clear grin on her face.
“Oh?”
“Oh, indeed. It’s a ruthless sect, one that is famous for its absurdly high standards.” she lectured.
“Well, I suppose you’d need high standards if you were surrounded by ferocious fauna.”
“And exposed to harsh winds,” she added.
“Ah yes, how could I forget the winds.” I said with a laugh. “So, what’s it called?”
“Hall of the Mountain Gods.” she said.
“Quite a powerful name, maybe they focus on strength techniques.” I surmised.
“There’s a division of experts within the sect called Gutura’s Mountain Gods. There’re many tales based on their heroic feats.” said continued, ignoring my haphazard guess.
“You seem to be quite knowledgeable…” I said. She turned red, I realised I may have come across judgmental. “I didn’t mean that in a bad way, it’s not…”
“No, I know.” she interrupted. “I’ve just… Never really talked like this to anyone.”
“I’d be happy for you to tell me more.” I said. She laughed. “What?” I asked.
“Ah, sorry! It’s only… All my life I’ve been reading books. So much so that when I was old enough to work I got a job at the library just so I could read more. Stories were always trapped within the confines of their covers. Places like Gutura were mere words on a page.” she said and I nodded in understanding. “And you… You’ve gone from the worst thing in my life to the person that has torn the covers apart and allowed me to finally live my own story.”
“Well, books aren’t that tough to tear apart. They’re only paper…” I said jokingly. She giggled and continued.
“Gutura, however, is a long way off.” she said. The farmland was beginning to come to an end now and the road continued through plains of tall grass. I could see hills in the distance, the road avoided their steep slopes and instead wove round them. “We should find a quicker mode of transport.” said Safi, looking at the daunting distance ahead of us.
“I think you might be right.” I said.
was finally put to use. I felt an unexplainable joy in heart,
in my*
e Gutura were mere words on a page.” she said, I nodded in understanding.
and I nodded*
......
Hmm. If I had to nitpick on one thing you could improve on it would be the world building. You need to do some research on Chinese architecture, customs, clothing, weapons, armor, technology, and the like. Safi sounds Hindi, so I would also recommend doing the same for theirs.
It's the little details you're missing. What clothes are called. What their weapons are called and their appearance. What their cities and infrastructure was like. If you pan out and do a bit of digging you can improve a bit. Your world building is really weak right now.
Thank you for the criticism <3
I will definitely work on my world building if you feel it's lacking! I have noticed sometimes that I am building this world in my head and then not doing a very good job at putting it on the page, I will work to improve.
I will caution that if you're expecting a more Chinese/Hindi or whatever culture representation then you will be disappointed. I am not basing any of these people/cities/cultures off real life, you will see a more thorough example when you get to Gutura.
Maybe that only makes sense in my head but I really want to challenge myself to create a world that's steeped in its own history rather than based on others. I recognise that I am probably not doing a good job of it at the moment. I hope when you get to Gutura you will notice some improvements. If you don't, let me know and I will try even harder :D
@Casualperv
Hmm, I'll get there eventually. Lots of stuff to read.
So on world building l, there's some things you can't really make up and some you can. For instance you have a cultivation novel here. Cultivation comes from Chinese Mythology, but you can still take that mythos and make it your own as you and many others have done. You still have to understand the roots and foundation of what cultivation is to create something unique.
In this case you lack the small details like what type of architecture they have for buildings. If you want to come up with your own style it is actually more difficult, because then you blend cultures, and I can only say that you should keep extensive notes for each city, town, character, etc. so you can go back and look at it as reference. The longer a story goes, the more complex things can be. Poor organizational skills was one of the things that took down the old Roman Empire. 😉
An example would be the Taj Mahal. Which blended many different architectural styles.
An invented style for architecture might be something like Greek travertine pillars with carvings on them, Japanese shōji inside especially near windows, with a melding between Tulou Chinese architecture and Ancient Greek Villas, white marble floors, Roman aqueducts, Roman baths and soaring pagoda towers. People wearing various fashions. Like If you wanted an oriental mix as you've gone for with the vague robes term, then women would wear cheongsam or qipaos. Chiffon dresses. Changpao for men and women. Or changshan tunic and pants. They wield Jian (sword) and Dao (Saber). Or Fangtian Ji (polearm spear with crescent axe blades on either side) and glaives. Warstaff and so on and so forth. It gets complicated. That was all just Chinese stuff from the clothing down. Thankfully there's many Wikipedia list that aggregate this stuff for you.
My point is that even if you want to come up with your own, you still then need to do research. I also didn't explain how fantasy architecture, agriculture, and other technology be it magical or scientific comes in to play.
@Ouroboros Please don't take what I am going to say in the wrong way, I really appreciated your criticism I just don't think (in this comment) it was expressed in the best way.
As much as I can tell that you mean the best by giving me advice, I think recommending that I 'should keep extensive notes' without knowing at all what kind of notes I'm keeping is a little derogatory. I think you might still be a little early on to see if I am planning the book well or not.
I also am a little insulted that you're telling me to become familiar with chinese culture. I lived there for years. I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about. Also, this may be a cultivation novel, but I am trying not to make it a chinese cultivation novel. Just because the idea of cultivation originated in china doesn't mean every book has to be based on it.
I really don't want to sound rude! I really do appreciate you reading my work and I understand that my writing still could do with a lot of improving. It's just that the points I mentioned above that didn't sit right with me.
Thank you <3
(If you don't want to read the book anymore I completely understand :D)
@Casualperv
Nah, I honestly feel now that I have just wasted my time commenting. If you read all that, which I doubt since you just complained for four paragraphs, and thought I was insulting you, then you plainly just don't have the maturity level or thick skin necessary for writing. People are going to be a whole lot more vitriolic then my tame advice pointing out the poor world building. I also found it a bit amusing you claimed to have lived there, but I was talking about ancient China, Rome, Greece, Japan, etc in my advice. Unless you're a time traveler, you didn't live there... It just shows that you didn't read my post at all. Hence why I say that I have wasted my time and you lack the necessary mindset for this sort of thing. I'm sure you're going to take that as an insult, but I'm plainly just being brutally honest. If that upsets you, then I suggest you do some introspection.
As far as continuing your story? There's plenty of writers I know of personally with bad personalities themselves that I still read and buy their work, but that's because they are still decent at writing and despite their flaws have the skill to improve even if it's tough to read something they don't like in scathing reviews or what not. This isn't really at that quality and your post just makes me want to avoid you and your work. Even if you were, you've just thrown all my feedback in my face, so I wouldn't be commenting anymore, but truthfully I'll just avoid you as much as possible. 🤷♂️
@Ouroboros I didn't throw all your feedback in your face, just the ones that irked me. Anyways, see ya :)
P.S. Could you mention in your review that you only managed up to chapter 8 pls :D
@Casualperv
That would be a lie, so no. 🤷 I read to nineteen and then stopped. I'm not going to lie for you. 😆 A few things.
1. I don't do that for authors.
2. Even if I did, with your attitude and how you comport yourself why would I even if I did do that?
"I didn't throw all your feedback in your face, just the ones that irked me." -Casualperv
(Read that aloud slowly to yourself, please.)
3. Just because I replied to you here on chapter eight and a few other chapters doesn't mean you're entitled to free corrections and advice every chapter...
4. Just FYI if you ever try to take this seriously? People pay hundreds of dollars for editors and there's more than one type. That's not even talking about other cost. Art, audiobooks, proofreaders, etc. If you try and talk to them as you have me, you can expect that to go much more poorly then some free novel on a free webnovel publishing site with minimal oversight.
Anyway, I was getting bored long before nineteen. NGL. Not sure what relevance that has. You should know that most people will read your blurb alone and decide from there if they'll continue, some will just look at your cover art, some the title, and others, the avid readers, just read to about five to ten chapters. You might argue that you could improve past that, but that's just catfishing. It isn't going to work because people can generally tell if you're lying by looking at the comments section... Or just common sense. You need to really improve if you want to hook people. That takes a full plan and a rewrite of the intro to match the tone you find much later in a project in my experience.
Ah, but I'm wasting my time again. At least for you. I'm sure some readers or writers might have found all this useful. 😁
I will edit my review to include a quote of yours and then I'll just let your comments speak for themselves...
Well, I genuinely wish you good luck, Casual, and I really hope you'll understand what I meant by all this one day, young man. Have a good one. 👍
@Ouroboros Thank you for changing the chapter status on your review.
I never asked you to lie. Stop being disingenuous, to my best knowledge you had read up to chapter 8. Also I did not deny what you said in your review. You can quote me all you want but don't lie.
I agree with all of this so far.