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Ayumi’s Perspective

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“Your progress is coming along well, Nakagawa-san.”

After two weeks of therapy, the doctors gave me the okay to be released. However, I was scheduled for daily check-ins over the phone. It was a fair deal…

I was able to go back to my home…That cold…lonely home…

Mari-san drove me back to my apartment. There I sat in the car, looking at that door as if it would swallow me whole if I went near it.

“…Are you sure you want to go in?”

Mari-san asked, likely noticing my hesitation.

“…Could you come in with me, Mari-san?”

“Sure.”

We both got out and approached the door together. If I was coming up here alone I don't think I could keep myself sane long enough for me to reach it. But after spending more time with Mari-san in the hospital…I’ve come to notice something…

I felt safe…when she was by my side.

So, I unlocked the door and stepped inside. We both walked around the small apartment without a word as that empty feeling settled in. Madoka’s scent had slowly begun to fade from this small apartment. If it wasn’t for her posters and collection of music…I might have been hard-pressed to believe that she lived here at one point.

“Ayumi-san?”

I turned back to Mari-san who seemed a tad concerned. What could I say to her? I didn’t want her to leave me in this desert of loneliness. Before I knew what I was even saying, my mouth moved…

“…C-Could you stay with me tonight?”

“Huh?”

“Ah…I’m just used to Madoka-san being in…bed with me…No, never mind.”

What was I saying? This was beyond a selfish request and I knew it but I…couldn’t bear to be left alone right now. Despite my request, all Mari-san did was nod and smile at me. She’s always had the sweetest smile.

“Sure, I can stay a bit longer. But I have to get home and relieve Hana’s babysitter, okay?”

She was kind…almost unrealistically kind. Now with my knight watching over me, I got undressed and lied in bed. Mari-san sat beside me, just as she promised. She made sure I wasn’t alone…

That’s when those selfish words escaped my mouth as I took her hand, wrapped them in mine…

 

“…I need you.”

For a moment, her eyes went wide as she questioned my words…

“What did you say, Ayumi-san?”

 

 

Instead of waiting for her reply, I pulled her closer to me. I embraced her in my arms. My hands caressed her back and it made me feel warm…The last time I felt this way…this nervousness around another person…was when I first met my husband, the love of my life who left me far too soon.

 

“I…I think I need you, Mari-san.”

 

I couldn’t tell the expression on her face because my head was buried on her shoulder. What was I saying? What was the meaning of…I need her? She saved me from doing something horrible to myself. She readily checked in on me…she was being nothing but a sweet and understanding friend….

That’s what the problem was though. My mind kept thinking about horrible things like…What if one day she didn’t treat me like this anymore? What if…she grew attached to someone else and stopped taking care of me? What if her friendship with me wasn’t strong enough for her to stay beside me?

“Ayumi-san…”

Her tender voice trickled in my ear. That’s when I tilted my head and faced her. It was then that I realized how beautiful she was. How…friendship might not be enough for me anymore.

“I want you.”

I begged as I approached her slowly. I could feel her lean away but I connected my lips with hers. Her lips were soft and tasted like lemons. She brightened my world as the scent of her radiated inside me. It had nothing to do with her being a woman or a man. No, Mari-san made me feel safe…and I selfishly wanted that. But she pulled away in an instant.

 

 

“Wait, Ayumi-san…”

“Mari-san, I need you.”

I repeated as I pulled her into my embrace. I could hear her breathing labor as I bit the bottom of her lip. I wondered how long it’s been since Mari-san felt the touch of someone else like this. We both…might have been deprived of one primal need.

And that was physical intimacy.

She rested her hands on my shoulder, severing our connection.

“Ayumi-san, you’re tired. A lot has happened, and you’re exhausted. Get some rest.”

She pleaded as she pushed herself away, but I insisted as I put my lips on her neck.

“Ayumi-san…”

 

 

She tasted like vanilla. It was nothing like my husband. Mari-san was a completely different animal and that alone excited me in ways unimaginable. It didn’t even register to me that she was a woman, and I was trying to embrace her that way. No, I wanted to make sure that she…couldn’t leave me too. Like everyone else in my life…

“I…think I love you, Mari-san.”

I confessed as I licked the side of her neck. The salt of her sweat melted on my tongue. She moved away, but I encroached further on her. Before I realized it, she was under me now as I lied on top of her. Mari-san’s body was slender and shorter than mine. She was…nothing short of a young, cute beauty.

 

 

“Ayumi-san…calm down.”

“Touch me…please, touch me, Mari-san. Don’t leave me…”

I begged as I pressed my body on hers. She sank into the bed as I tasted her shoulder.

“Ayumi-san…that’s enough.”

Her breath escaped on my skin, and that made me draw closer. Tenderly, I whispered in her ear. My tone was weak, needy, as I embraced her. Seductively, I attempted to lure her into me. I exposed my desires as my fingers rubbed her soft sides. It was only us here, only me and my white knight. My protector.

“Be with me tonight…”

“S-Stop, Ayumi-san! Stop it!”

She cried as she pushed me away from her. Her scream shattered my fantasies as she made her way off the bed.

“O-Oh, god Mari-san. I’m sorry.”

Of course, she felt uncomfortable. What…the heck was I thinking? When she looked at me, she held her chest as sweat was clearly racing down her neck. We stared at one another for a moment before I realized the tears falling down her cheek. I...hurt my white knight.

“Mari-san…I’m-“

“…I-I’ll bring us some water. You stay in bed, A-Ayumi-san.”

She commanded as she took to her feet. Just before she stepped out, I called out to her.

“Y-You won’t…leave me, will you Mari-san?”

That’s when I saw her fist clenched tightly. Hiccups escaped her mouth as she pleaded with me once more.

“Stay in bed.”

She insisted as she walked out. What was I doing? I scolded my behavior as the shame finally got to me. I…assaulted her, didn’t I? I placed my hand over my eyes and noticed that I was crying.

“I’m so sorry…”

I whimpered as I apologized, despite her not even being in the room anymore. My tears ran down my cheeks. I was a mess…but one thing was certain, I didn’t want her to leave me. I was afraid she’d leave me like everyone else…

“I just…I-I need you.”

I wasn’t sure if she could even hear me anymore, but I confessed the selfishness that stormed in my heart.

“I don’t want you to leave me Mari-san…please…don’t leave me. I-I don’t know what I’d do if…you left me too.”

The apartment grew silent. I wouldn’t have been shocked if she decided to leave after I did that to her. Mari-san might have been afraid. Suddenly, her coworker assaulted her. The thought made me sick as I curled into a ball now.

But that’s when her embrace took hold of me. How instantly those feelings of loss left me as she told me…

 

 

“Ayumi-san…”

She held me tight as I cried in her arms.

“Don’t worry…I’ll make you happy from now on. So…don’t cry. Don’t cry…Madoka would hate to see you cry.”

“…M-Mari-san.”

That night we didn’t become intimate with each other. She just lied in bed next to me and pet my head as I drifted off to sleep. How…sweet that felt. It was the next day that she told Saitou-san about our relationship. How quickly Mari accepted my feelings. She…was perfect.

My white knight was perfect.

How I never wanted to let go of this gem I found.

 

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“Mari?”

My eyes popped open to the dark room. The one I loved…the white knight I fell for, wasn’t beside me though. When did I fall asleep? I rolled to the side and tried to collect what happened. I had my chat with Madoka finally…about her trauma. How the stress got to me and I nearly killed her in that accident. She brought me back to my room, and my Mari…put me to sleep.

“…Where are you?”

The pit in my stomach was starting to return. I…wanted to fill it with Mari. But she wasn’t around. That’s when the door opened as my knight walked through.

“Mari?!”

I cried out as I stood up. In my long sleeve shirt and long blue skirt, I made my way to her. Surprised, she shrieked as I held her close to me.

“Hey…what’s wrong, Ayumi?”

“I…just had a bad dream…and I wanted to see you. I-I love you. I love you so much.”

I confessed to her. For a moment she stood there without saying a word. But gently she whispered in my ear.

“I love you too, Ayumi. What’s gotten into you?”

We faced each other now.

“I…just had a chat with Madoka about a few things…”

Her cheeks were bright red as though she’d been crying. She couldn’t hide that even if she wanted to.

“What about?”

“…Some important things I should have told her a while ago…”

She sounded distant…lately that had been the case at times. And that…sometimes worried me. After she got undressed and put on her shirt and shorts, my knight led me back to the futon. That’s when she took my fingers and lied down with me. She pulled me down along with her and looked me in the eyes. We lied there, looking into each other's eyes. She struggled for a moment before opening up to me.

“Ayumi…I need a little time, but… I…I have some things to talk to you about. Some important things.”

“Mari?”

She sighed as she looked away.

“And you know it’s hard for me to get my feelings straight and talk about things like this…so…”

She was struggling but pushing herself to tell me her feelings. Mari struggled at expressing herself when it came to matters of her heart. She told me that it was because of how she grew up. It was something she wanted to overcome…and I respected that.

“…So, when I’m ready to tell you…would you please listen to me, Ayumi?”

“…Certainly! I’ll listen to you. I love you. Of course, I will.”

“…Thank you.”

She held me close. I always felt safe when she held me in her arms like this.

“…I’m not really in the…mood tonight. So, would you mind if I went right to sleep, Ayumi?”

“That’s fine…I’m not in the mood either. You don’t have to worry about something like that, honey.”

 

I kissed her cheeks…and they tasted salty…certainly, Mari was crying. But…what could she have been chatting with Madoka that she would be crying over? And…what does that have to do with a chat she’d like to have with me soon? 

But that wasn’t all I tasted when I kissed her. My Mari didn’t only taste like lemons…She had another fragrance that captured my nose...

And that worried me.

“You’re so understanding. Thank you, Ayumi…”

 

She gave me a kiss back as she lied down next to me. So, I held her from behind. Why did this feel as though…something was swallowing me up again? Like that pit of loneliness was going to take me, whisk me away and bring me back to the way I was.

To cast away those feelings, I held her closer. No matter what, she needed time to tell me. So, I will listen and support her… Because she’s the white knight that took me in when I needed her most…

The person who opened her life to me and loved me.

 

 

…I will never let her go.

Because I need her…