Hana’s Perspective
“Onee-san…I could never hate you.”
As we lied on the futon together…her crying slowly faded to a somber whisper as she finally fell asleep. For a moment, she was wailing to the heavens, and then suddenly, the next, she was sleeping like a baby. This side to my Onee-san, Nakagawa Madoka, was painful as I held her in my arms. It felt like if I put too much pressure on her, she’d crumble and turn to dust.
“…Onee-san.”
I placed my chin on her head. Her soft hair reminded me that she was just a simple girl.
“My mom? You…like my mom in that way?”
…I wondered for how long have you been battling these feelings, Madoka? Where did these feelings come from? Did they show up after your coma or before? That’s when the tears began to flow down my cheeks. I wondered if anyone has ever heard her cry like this? The pain that vibrated through her voice…was like a ship sinking to the bottom of the ocean along with all its passengers. It was…tragic.
“How long…did you hold in these feelings for?”
But why mom? What attracted Madoka to my mom? I…can’t even believe I’m asking this kind of question. But then, looking back through all the memories. The touches between them, the fighting, the awkwardness.
Why Onee-san would ask me about mom... Why mom talked about her, Onee-san...all the time.
I was blind, wasn’t I?
Now I bit my bottom lip as I pieced more together. All the questions that Madoka asked about mom...all the times she desperately wanted to get closer to her...But all I did was blindly do what I had to in order to make sure they were...family.
I wanted to hit my head against the floor as I thought about all the things I let pass me...
Mom…Nakagawa Ayumi…tried to kill herself in the past. But all I did was look the other way. I didn’t even question why my mom’s girlfriend was so standoffish at the start. I just figured…that maybe she was just as confused about the entire situation as I was.
I closed my eyes to remember when we first met. The memory came back to me like a video replaying in my mind.
“Hana, I like to introduce you to…Nakagawa Ayumi. She’s the coworker I’ve told you about…”
My mom closed her eyes and smiled brightly at me.
“And now…I am in a relationship with her.”
“…In a relationship with her? What do you mean?”
“…You’re just as lovely as your mom…said, Hana-chan.”
This strange woman, who was painfully beautiful, stared at me. Her amber hair washed along her back. Those bright blue gem eyes pierced my soul. But…something about her felt painfully sad about them. Like she was a wounded animal that was finally let out of its cage. Afraid of the world and anyone in it.
“…I don’t get it, mom.”
Mom held her chest and announced it again as if that would clarify everything.
“I’m dating Nakagawa Ayumi. I…I like her, Hana.”
That was the first time I’ve ever been exposed to the idea of two girls liking one another. It was foreign to me. Afterward, she actually introduced me to Nakagawa Madoka. The girl who she talked about the most…more than Nakagawa Ayumi…her mother. It was like I was viewing a bunch of jigsaw pieces from above. As I started asking questions and thinking about everything more clearly…did it start to come to me. So, slowly I picked these pieces up and put the puzzle together, creating a full picture.
“Oh…god…”
It was right there this whole time, wasn’t it? The reason why mom talked so much about this normal girl…no, this special normal girl. It’s because…it’s because she was always special to my mom…wasn’t she?
“What the hell, mom?”
I whispered as I prayed that Madoka didn’t hear my scorn of my mother. She’s done everything for me. She gave me a warm place to sleep, took care of me alone, loved me unconditionally…but…but…
Why did she do this? What the hell was she thinking when she…fell in love with my Onee-chan?
“I’m…so sorry, Madoka-chan.”
How I wasn’t there to help you. You must have been suffering for a while now and did everything in your power to make sure I wasn’t hurt….to make sure mom, your mom, wasn’t hurt. How…how selfless of you. How…
“Stupid…you’re so stupid.”
I cried the words that weren’t true at all as I pet her hair softly. I understood why she did it but…
“We’re family. Why…why didn’t you tell me?”
Even though I already knew the answer. Even though I’ve already concluded why she didn’t want to hurt us. It still pained me to know that she might have been hurting for a while now.
All the long stares, were you thinking about mom? All the quiet moments that you thought to yourself…were you imagining mom with you…instead of your mom in that spot? I…I couldn’t imagine a pain worse than that for your heart.
“…There’s nothing I can do to ease your pain, is there, Onee-chan?”
Yes…Onee-chan. She’s not just any Onee-san…she’s my Onee-chan. She's mine... And I want her to be able to trust me…to trust us. To trust our family. Yes, it would have hurt if she told us her feelings. Yes, there’s a chance that…it might have broken everything we hold dear right now…
But if it didn’t…we’d grow stronger, wouldn’t we?
“…But then…that’s only my opinion…”
Yes, I’m not the one who suffered this long in love with someone who she couldn’t have. I’m not the person who probably cried herself to sleep when she saw the person she loved in the arms of another. And…I’m certainly not the one who confessed to my mom tonight…and sacrificed all those feelings for the sake of…us.
“…What are we going to do?”
I was lost…I couldn’t figure this out alone. How can I find a way to put a smile on my heartbroken Onee-chan?
“I…I don’t know how to fix this.”
Throughout the time that we became a family…I’ve always believed that I could help bring everything together.
Maybe one day Madoka would gladly call my mom, mom…and everything would be right with the world…
But I was wrong…
Others were suffering in ways I could have never imagined.
…How much I hate myself for being blind.
I tried my best to be accepting, to be loyal, and show them that I would do anything in my power to love them… So no matter what, I would defend anything that came against mom and mom.
But recently, I’ve noticed that I have fundamental weaknesses in the way I operate. I have a problem when it comes to seeing things from other's perspectives. Like when I was with my old group of friends in primary school. Sora-chan, Yuipi, Suzu-chan, and Sakura-san. Because the only person who defended me was Sora-chan, she became my only ally.
But that wasn’t true at all. Yuipi was too afraid to stick her neck out…and I didn’t know Suzu-chan all too well for her to step in and confront Sakura-san. Sora-chan only did it…because she was that kind of person. I…have a problem when it comes to seeing the big picture. I blind myself and cast that ignorance as loyalty, don’t I?
“What do I do now?”
Now coming to terms with my problems…how do I change my ways and solve this problem?
…I don’t know how to soothe my Onee-chan’s heart. There’s no way she’d wake up tomorrow and all these feelings would be gone…
“…I’ll listen to everything, Onee-chan. Then…then we can confront this as a family.”
That…would be my only answer right now.
To listen to her pain…
Hear her cries and understand what happened that made these two…feel this way about one another.
But then…for the sake of the family, wouldn’t it be best if she…just let it go like she said she would?
How cruel that sounded for me to say. After hearing her cries of pain tonight. Maybe…maybe I’ll let her make that choice. It’s her heart in the end…
“And I’ll do everything…to guard your wounded heart from now on.”
I…won’t ever allow anyone to make my Onee-chan cry the way she did tonight. Even if that person is my mom.
Because I love her… and I’d do anything to protect her happiness.
But where is the limit to that? Where do I draw the line?
Oh my! Little Sis is going to protect Big sis, such a cutie, she sure is reliable and understanding despite her age (◍•ᴗ•◍), again thanks for the chapter ?
From the beginning when Madoka had her outburst in the kitchen until now Hana-chan has always tried her best to understand Madoka. She's such an amazing little sister. But even she has flaws that she wants to break just like Madoka. She's wants to protect Madoka no matter who hurts her. Madoka's little knight!
I feel like I should put some of my thoughts and feelings, which have been twisted and turned and squeezed for every drop of blood, down onto paper before continuing to read this story.
Clearly Mari and Ayumi's relationship is not as healthy as we were initially lead to believe from the peanut gallery's consistent praise for their perfect match. I am frustrated with Madoka for being unable to see Mari's situation for what it is.
(I knew she wouldn't see her mother's side because she actively avoids looking at the woman... Taking her mother out to the pond was the first real moment they've had a chance to bond again, and she immediately gets into her mother's most grevious faults. Big oof.)
Anyway, she supposedly just "gets" Mari, but misses that her relationship with Ayumi is unhealthy (or ignores it, but I'll be generous and assume the former). But Madoka has also gone through some serious stuff, and is experiencing a whirlwind of emotions and doubts and loathings and memory loss so I can kind of forgive her for missing the signs.
For a long time I've wondered why the Uncle doesn't approve, and now I think he might be the only observer who has some idea of what's going on, but he can't fix it because Ayumi's instability and dependancy is at the heart of the issue. The only other observer close enough to notice is Hana, and this chapter clearly demonstrates why she (still) hasn't noticed. And besides her struggles to see other perspectives, she has a big motive for keeping them together and seeing them as happy; she likes her moms, and she likes how happy they appear together.
Unlike some readers, I didn't consider Mari getting with Ayumi cheating when I started writing this. Madoka was in a coma with no prognosis for waking up. But now I had to jump back up and edit this: Mari did not disclose her prior, unresolved relationship, which if nothing else is rather iffy. Also, it is unclear if Mari ever considered herself to no longer be in a relationship with the coma Madoka in her head. Which means while I initially considered the hour spent with Madoka to be cheating on Ayumi, it is also weird because potentially she still considered herself in that relationship, and then kind of is cheating on both of them??? But also honestly cheating or not cheating is probably the least significant problem in this whole mess. But she should have come clean to Ayumi. I'll get back to that at the very end.
However, I do think it is kind of rapey, and so many things contributed to her agreeing. Ayumi absolutely used her history of self harm to convince Mari, which is NO GOOD (but also like she is mentally ill so I can't fault her? but it is bad 100%). The other side is that Mari might have believed that Madoka, should she wake up, would hate Mari if her mother was gone (ostensibly because of Mari's refusal to be with her but how would she know? so actually just Mari would be blamed if her mother was gone when she wakes up period) which is also seriously disturbing. And I think it is probably true, as (kind of) thought by Madoka. So Mari's commitment to Ayumi is one part victim of rape and one part her relationship with Madoka ALSO being unhealthy (which we should have known from their ages), but also ostensibly a reflection of how deep Mari's "love" is.
So I can't wholeheartedly blame Ayumi even though she did the bad (she clearly needs more help than a few months), and I can't wholeheartedly blame Madoka (because she is a kid, and also was in a coma).
Is Mari left holding the bag? It is definitely I think mostly Mari's fault, because Ayumi is unstable and Mari should have been mentally sound (although the person she loves was recently put into a coma under her watch so she is probably not fully mentally healthy either), but I also can't wave away rapey - the pressures acting on her were very real and there is never a justification - but also she is in a relationship with a teenager, but also I emphasize with her because she's stuck in a relationship with Ayumi that is UNHEALTHY.
By the end of this mess, I'm back to my original point of wanting to blame Madoka, but her final redemption is that MARI TOLD MADOKA SHE LOVES AYUMI, AND MADOKA BELIEVED HER.
I don't know if Mari actually loves Ayumi. I don't know if MARI knows whether or not she actually loves Ayumi. I know she didn't love her when she entered the relationship, and she did not enter the their relationship fully consensually IMO.
But Madoka believes Mari loves Ayumi, so naturally she won't see that Mari is struggling. And I think THAT is Mari's fault. She needed to come completely clean to Madoka, and lay EVERYTHING out there, bring in Hana and Ayumi and let them all figure out where to go from there.
Only Mari's fear that Madoka would hate her for betraying Ayumi (except when she asks Mari to cheat on Ayumi with her tho but is that even considered cheating from Madoka's perspective if she was the one cheated on?) prevents this, I think, which is just another sign that the whole thing is fundamentally unhealthy.
Madoka potentially does realize that it is unhealthy and would still rather Mari stay with Ayumi because she loves her mother and also doesn't want Hana to have to suffer for each of their (Ayumi, Madoka, and Mari) faults. Again, I'm ignoring this case because as best I can tell she truly believed Mari.
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Finally, I have made, like, zero progress in anything other than demonstrating the crazy levels of Drama up in here. (For that matter, Author, I am VERY DISAPPOINTED Risa was not actually the Uncle's girlfriend, for maximum Drama potential.)
But consider this; the peanut gallery is mistaken about Mari and Ayumi's perfect relationship. So is Hana. So (probably, more or less) is Madoka. We know that any given individual or account can be mistaken.
But people can also lie.
(I still have some real doubts about Ash Hair / Ghost girl. Another time, maybe.)
What are the chances Ayumi never put two and two together? Some readers have been speculating about that before, but I think after Madoka's confrontation some readers may have discarded those theories just because Ayumi never acknowledges any sort of relationship between Mari and Madoka.
I actually think it is considerably more likely that Ayumi figured it out and lied to Madoka, than that she never realized what was right in front of her, when she had EVERY PIECE OF THE PUZZLE.
- Madoka confessing about having someone special before the car accident
- Madoka potentially confessing who, at the time of the accident, although potentially Ayumi would have had a concussion and forgot, or she really never did say. But we can't take Mari saying Madoka never said as proof. Madoka could even have said and and had a concussion and forgot as well.
- How "hands-on" Mari was with Madoka, how well they got along and their closeness and relationship in general.
- All of the opportunities they had to spend time together without her oversight.
- Mari's ability to get Madoka out of her room.
- All of Mari's behaviors and word choices after Madoka was in a coma.
At this point in time, I don't see how Ayumi could possibly not even be suspicious. So I think she knows and lied to Madoka. I'm blaming her for most of this. And she needs serious professional help regardless.
Author, this story is really on another level. Sure, the situation is overly dramatic and far fetched, but it's a novel, and benefits from an interesting hook. Importantly, all of the characters just behave so genuinely. They make mundane mistakes and get caught up in emotions and are selfish and selfless and try to grow and so many other minor things are executed at a level I've rarely seen before. Bravo.
Mae's best route seems like if Madoka got her stuff together, moved out, roomed with Mae, and they became platonic best friends forever, and Madoka takes care of her 24/7 encouraging her and reinforcing her fight with depression.
Madoka's best route.... Does she even have one? It's a mess....
Hana: the family miraculously holds together and gets better.
Mari: uh, getting with Madoka while avoiding jail and zero other consequences. Sorry Mari, this is probably the least likely.
Ayumi: does she deserve one? I guess as long as she keeps getting what she wants she's good. If Mari comes clean that is probably immediately off the table.
Conchi: she referred to her sister's love for her as THEIR love exactly once, so I now have to operate under the assumption that she loved her sister too. For whatever reason she is convinced it won't work out, so ignoring that one, maybe getting with a healthier, distanced Madoka? Not entirely sure she is even interested in Madoka but author is very suggestive.
Her sister, whose name escapes me (sorry!): being with Conchi and ditching the family happily, of course. I don't see her being with Madoka at all. I don't see her giving up on Conchi at all. I don't think she's gonna get a best ending unless Conchi actually does love her and grows a spine and realizes whatever her idea of success and happiness for her sister looks like, is probably wrong.
Risa: I think she would work with a healthier Madoka too. She could probably do better, but would be happy.
I'll ignore the other main characters, I don't care for them, except: green hair girl.
I'm optimistic Madoka's persistent worming into people's feels will get her involved with her new coworker, potentially leading to an interesting character and some interesting character developments and maybe even a good clean workplace romance???
This is a very beautiful message and I want to take my time to answer and just theorize with you too. Thank you for the wonderful comment! I adore comments like these.
First I want to say, making Risa Ryuji's girlfriend would have been such a messed up twist! "Uncle, your soon-to-be wife is actually a lesbian flirting with me!" Haha, sorry to disappoint you.
This entire story is based on the perception of others. We get the views of Madoka and the perspective of others' past by what they want to tell her. We can assume we have all the facts because that's the facts that we are given by the people in the story and many people lie about facts all the time even if they try to or not. Despite Madoka finding out "all of this" it's just that, 2nd hand knowledge of everything.
It's hard to really pinpoint blame on one person in this scenario because there were so many emotions flying in that everyone has made really bad choices. Mari is probably the best to put everything on because she made this "fake" relationship but I don't think she lied about loving Madoka's mom. I truly believe that Mari loves her and doesn't want to hurt her again like she promised Madoka in the past. I can't believe it was all fake, that would be unrealistic. (despite the drama being far-fetched.)
Nice theory with Conchi, that was a good catch I will admit. Guess you'll have to keep reading to see what's up there!
Madoka has a lot of worming into people's feelings as the story continues. She's not done catching the eyes of others as the story continues and who knows, Okabe-san and her do seem like a cute match.
Thank you for this wonderful post about all your feelings. It truly made me happy reading through it all to see how you feel. Your compliment made me smile and I hope you continue to read the story. Welcome to Sleeping Princess and I'm happy to have you as one of my readers.
Is Hana seriously a possible ship ???
Oh? How do you figure that? Sounds to me like it's just an imouto wanting to protect her precious Onee-chan.
I'm surprised, I wouldn't get half of the situation if it was me.
Hana-chan best girl!
Hehe! I love Hana-chan a lot! Always there for her Onee-chan!
A mess...
Thanks for the chapter~~
Madoka x Mae
Oh my gay heart Hana is precious