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Mari’s Perspective

Chapter 26 – Getting to Know You (Mari’s Perspective)

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Last night, Ayumi and I had a fight at the office. During the storm, Madoka-san and Hana stayed at a friend’s house. We couldn't make it home safely, so we both stayed at the office. It was there she brought up how I've been… being distant lately. Afterward, the ride home was painful. We've never been at odds like this. However, I knew the reason for this was one hundred percent because of my lies… All of the hidden emotions and feelings I’ve had for Madoka-san finally surfaced, and it left me with a gaping hole that I… still wanted to fill…

with Madoka-san…

Despite me promising that I’d be her stepmother from here on out.

“I’m going out with Mary again, Mari.”

Ayumi said as she paced about the house.

“Alright, Ayumi.”

Annoyed, she approached me.

"Why do you never even attempt to come with me? Is it that much of an inconvenience to socialize with your brother-in-law's soon-to-be wife?"

I shrugged.

“It has nothing to do with Mary. I think she’s a fine woman who actually has her act together and isn’t a selfish prick like Ryuji.”

I chuckled, but Ayumi wasn't taking it as a joke. She… was pissed off today.

"Whatever. You're going to have to make up with Ryuji sooner or later, Mari! He's done a lot for me; I wish you’d both get over your petty differences already.”

“Petty?”

I repeated.

"Yes, your ridiculous squabbling is driving me mad. Bury the hatchet and be done with it."

My surface-level battles with that prick Ryuji were simple-minded… and childish in her eyes. And she might have been right…

But the level of anger I felt towards his incompetence festered in me for a long time after he wasn't there for Ayumi. When she overdosed that night… he was out, making money. When his niece, Madoka-san, first got in her coma…  he was out making money and only visited briefly.

My mind went back to those days where I made sure to be by Madoka-san’s side daily. Like a soldier, waiting for her princess to come back… I was there… more than her own flesh and blood.

Ayumi couldn’t stand being around Madoka-san… She was too emotionally distraught to see her as anything but a corpse, rotting away in bed.

Ryuji didn’t bother to see her at all. The occasional heartless flowers would arrive, and I’d set them around her. They would have died if I wasn’t the one watering them…

To me… Madoka-san was everything, and I was the only one who had hope that she'd come back to life. That's why… I was so afraid when Ayumi… tried to harm herself.

I was scared Madoka would wake up without her mother…

And when she lived… I was terrified that Ayumi wouldn’t allow me to see Madoka… because of how she aggressively pushed herself on me.

I was in a void of thoughts. Like a movie flipping from scene to scene, I found those short two years hostilely coming into view, like the day when Madoka-san went into her coma. Then the moment when Ayumi couldn't deal her daughter asleep and I found her passed out on the floor…

It was all painful.

However, the memory that came to mind… the one that made me the angriest was…

Ryuji’s look when he had to get on the next plane. The smile on his face always pissed me off. Even twenty minutes with the daughter of his late brother was too much time spent not making money.

He reminded me… so much of my father that I couldn’t stand him.

“Well, if you want to be a child, I’ll stop asking you. Don’t laze around all day though, get something done, Mari.”

Ayumi shouted. She had every right to be upset at me. But I wished deep down inside… that she’d act a little bit like Madoka-san…

And ask me…

Why everything inside me hurts as if someone was carving a knife through me. Ask me why… it’s so hard to formulate my thoughts. Maybe even gently guide me… into being emotionally vulnerable… Like Madoka-san does…

Before I knew it, the front doors opened. Hana and… Madoka-san were finally back home from their friend’s house. Just them being here… lessened the tension between Ayumi and. It made me sigh with relief.

“Oh, are you going somewhere, mom?”

Madoka-san asked from the other room. I could hear the poison spewing from Ayumi’s breath as she responded.

“Yeah, Ryuji’s girlfriend wants to pick out a few pieces of clothing…she asked me if I would like to come. She’s picking me up right now.”

Ayumi moaned, loud enough for me to hear her.

“Of course, Mari doesn’t want to come because it’s about Ryuji. They seriously need to set their differences aside. It’s ridiculous by this point.”

Ayumi viciously attacked me with her words. Not understanding all the little nuances behind my disgust for him. However, I never brought it up either… because she wouldn't want to hear it.

Annoyed, I bit my lip, thinking about it.

What was I supposed to say by this point, though? He wasn't there when Ayumi had her moment of weakness, and it almost got her killed. Ayumi doesn't see things like that, though. She wouldn't understand…. How much he doesn't care about her… So, why should I care about him?

“…Ah…Mari-san mentioned that Uncle Ryuki doesn’t…approve of your relationship. Is that…true, mom?”

Ayumi huffed, brushing off everything Madoka said… like she always does.

“He never said anything like that! They both just have big heads and won’t work out their differences.”

I wanted to lie down on my side and curl into a ball like an armadillo. By this point… I was getting mentally exhausted, dealing with Ayumi’s righteous anger.

“Hey, mom…”

Madoka-san tenderly asked her enraged mother the one thing Ayumi never considered doing with me…

“Have you…talked with Mari-san about why she’s not getting along with uncle before?”

It was then… the simplest of answers came to light. Ayumi never considered sitting down with me and drawing out all these frustrations I've had with Ryuji. No, she wasn't that kind of person. She would brush aside all the problems and live with them…

…like she'd rather be in a beautiful dream.

“It doesn’t matter, Madoka.”

Ayumi brushed it aside… as I expected her to do. So, I closed my eyes and tried to fade her into the background. How I wished everything would just work itself out and I wouldn’t have to try and open my feelings to her. But… I knew better than that.

It was time for me to be judged for what I did to Madoka-san…

“Did you two have to stay late at work, Mari-san?”

Madoka-san asked as she came into the room. I was sitting on the couch, trying to take my mind off of everything.

“Yeah…we ended up sleeping there. Saitou-san had a bunch of pillows and mats, so it was a nice stay.”

I put my head down, thinking about what happened between us. How I did my best to express myself but… couldn’t. Suddenly, Madoka-san sat next to me, to my surprise.

“Is everything alright, Mari-san?”

To my astonishment… No, to my expectations, Madoka asked me the question I wished Ayumi would formulate once in a while. It’s like she wasn’t expecting anything from me when she did. Madoka-san… just wanted to know all the feelings going through my heart at the time. So, I explained to her how Ayumi and I had that fight. How I wasn't able to express myself clearly. Because the truth was, I didn't know… what I wanted to say to her or how I wanted to process it. In the middle of our conversation, my sweet Hana's voice caught me off guard as she came down the steps.

“Mom…”

“What’s the matter, Hana?”

 

 

"I need to pick up some school supplies…ah…can you take me to the store later today?”

“It’s almost winter break. Are you running that low on things, Hana?”

My Hana wasn't acting normal. She was shaking like a leaf, and… that's when it dawned on me… what she really wanted from me.

“…You want to go somewhere with just the two of us, sweetie?”

Hana mentioned that she wanted to pick up some school supplies… obviously, that was a lie. Her demeanor was hesitant and a tad off-putting. It was nothing like the strong-willed girl I've seen grow up over these years…

After getting dressed, we both made our way outside. We got into the car, and before I started it, Hana spoke what was on her mind.

"… I think you know why I wanted to go out with you… right, mom?"

I tenderly touched the steering wheel.

 

 

 

"Yeah… you… wanted to know… about… me and... "

I couldn’t even finish the sentence. Silently, we rode to the shopping district. I had no idea what I was going to tell her. What would I say? That I fell in love with Madoka-san two years ago? How would I explain that Ayumi tried to kill herself... So I gave my heart to her mother to keep Ayumi safe.

No matter how I explained what happened … Hana would most likely not accept it… She… loves Madoka-san with all her heart.

“Mom… can we talk?”

She asked. For some reason… this horrible smile was still on my face as I turned to her. The feelings in me didn't mirror how I expressed myself externally. This only concluded that for the duration we were going to be together…

That I was going to hide everything…

No matter how much I wanted to just tell her everything.

“Sure… we can talk.”

“… Please tell me… what happened between you two.”

It was hard for her to get it out… but she did. Even Hana was more mature than I was when expressing her feelings. I closed my eyes… and attempted to tell her everything that was going through my mind…

But before I could, it came back to me. The night I laid in that field with Madoka-san. Her touch, her warmth, her understanding that…

I would never…

Be able to have in this life…

And like her, she doesn't believe that the next life will be possible. Meaning that was it; everything had to change. I had to tell Ayumi how I felt about Madoka… why I originally got with her. How I do… care for her, but my feelings for her daughter…

“Mom, why are you ignoring me! I know that you and Onee-chan… liked each other in that way already! Why can’t you speak to your own daughter?”

“…I don’t know, Hana.”

“That’s not an answer. Why didn’t you tell me how you felt about that strange girl in the bed? For two years… you lied to me.”

“… I know.”

“Is it really that hard for you to… open up to me?”

I opened my mouth to say "no" and words of comfort like "of course not," but that wasn't true in the slightest. My actions already justified to Ayumi that… I wasn't willing to tell her my feelings. As if Madoka-san was the only one who had the genuine keys to my heart, the one who could make me feel at ease and open up all my worries to her.

But when it was anyone else, I would have to gate off my emotions and make sure I wasn’t exposed as… someone jealous, selfish, and ultimately… cruel.

“Give me a bit of time to get my thoughts together, Hana.”

I begged. Hana was visibly upset as she crossed her arms and turned away from me. My little Hana…

Must hate me, I thought.

I brought her into this “family” with the gift of having two parents and an older sister. Something she’s always yearned for. I recalled when we would come in and visit Madoka-san. I would always hold her hand and mentally apologize to her…

Tell her that her mother was okay… and pray that she’d forgive me for what I did to her…

But Hana, she was the most interesting one. Sometimes I’d catch her asking Madoka-san questions when I walked back in.

“O…Onee-chan?”

When I came from the cafeteria with food in hand one day, Hana whispered those words to her.

“I wonder… if there will be a day that I call you… Onee-chan?”

Hana had never had a real family. It was always her and I… and that's it. Her grandparents wanted nothing to do with her. She didn't have siblings, a father, or anything else. She… was lonely.

And the idea that Madoka-san could provide a sense of companionship for her, someone young and closer to her age… I expected that.

But something deep within me… never wanted Hana to call Madoka-san… Onee-chan. And that’s because it solidified her position in the family I created. It was the reason why I wasn’t too excited hearing them become that close… Ayumi was ecstatic about it…

However, for me, I could feel the needles digging deeper into my lies. It was only a matter of time that they all came to a head…

“Mom… why is it so hard for you to trust me?”

As if she reached into my chest and clawed at my heart with her words, I lost my breath. When we came to a stop, I turned to her.

“Don’t you think I would have… been happy knowing you found someone you liked?”

“… It’s not like that, Hana.”

I opened my mouth finally.

"… It's… it's complicated and…."

“This was pointless, wasn’t it, Mom?”

Hana assaulted.

“Madoka-chan came back into our room that night and cried her eyes out about you… and you can’t even tell your own daughter… about your feelings for that poor girl?”

I didn’t want to hear… how badly I hurt her. The thought of her crying in her room… because of my idiotic choices… made me hate myself all the more. But unlike me, Madoka-san could express her feelings openly. I… wish I could have cried into Ayumi’s arms and confessed everything that night. Then maybe… things would have started to be resolved then.

“… I’m sorry, Hana-chan…."

I finally spoke… My Hana waited for me to continue, but my heart wasn't ready yet. I… didn't want to be emotionally vulnerable. Yet day by day, it was getting harder… not to be.

"That doesn't answer anything, mom…."

She complained.

In silence, we pulled up to the shopping district. After we both got out, Hana led the way. I wasn't sure where she was going. So, to give her the time to calm down, I stood a few steps back. As her long dark hair swayed from side to side, I remembered my deceased husband. He shared the same dark hair and purple eyes as his daughter. As she’s grown… I’ve noticed similarities between him and her.

Hana… was growing up. She also had to make her own choices and understand things in her own ways. But as she does grow up… she'll realize that her mom… isn't anything near perfect…

How I wished that she didn’t have to see the horrible flaws in her mother.

“Huh?”

Curiously, Hana took my hand. Her tiny fingers were soft and warm. They reminded me of when it was just us, alone together. Every night I would come home and hold her hand, despite her being asleep or not. Everything I was doing… was for the sake of her.

"…I'm not mad, mom…."

She expressed to me in the crowded mall.

 

 

"I… just want to understand what's going on…."

I stared into her dark eyes… and it felt like a void. The doubt in her made me wary. She was doing the same thing as Madoka-san. My baby was asking me to tell her what was going on…

But it was different…

I… was afraid to open my mouth… and tell her all the feelings going through me. And it was simple…

Because I genuinely didn't understand how I felt and how to express it.

Awkwardly, we made our way to a small supply store. When we entered, there weren't many people around. It wasn't the time of the season for places like these.

“What all do you need, Hana?”

I asked. Hana bounced around momentarily before answering.

"Some pencils and markers. Sora would borrow them and… rarely give them back."

“How is Sora-chan, Hana?”

I was curious. I haven't been that big of a part of Hana's life. She always felt like the kind girl I felt was more bothered by me asking all the time.

“She’s fine. Yesterday, we all studied for our test. Onee-chan helped out a lot!”

“Is that right?”

“Yeah, Onee-chan was like our teacher, directing us on what to do…."

Her shoulders dropped.

“Onee-chan… has made an enormous difference in my life, mom…."

My little flower picked up a box of pencils. The exterior design of it was full of calligraphy. The beautiful text matched so well with Hana that it only added to the charm of my lovely daughter.

“You’ve done more than I could ever imagine for me… mom. I know it’s hard because… you had to be strong for me.”

She faced me, drowning me into her dark eyes. As self-centered as this might have come across, it was like looking into a mirror momentarily.

“And right now… you’re emotionally weak… because you obviously share these feelings for Madoka-chan… that you’re too scared to tell me how it all happened. What made you… like Onee-chan in that way?”

Everything in me wanted to open my mouth, confess these bottled-up feelings… but it wasn’t like I didn’t know what I wanted to say…

The words didn’t want to come out… because I would be vulnerable…

“… Yeah… I understand how you… feel. It’s… It’s complicated, Hana.”

I avoided her question again… shamefully.

"At least I'm trying to understand you, mom…."

Annoyed, Hana rushed to the register. I followed to pay for her things. After the checker finished with us, we walked out. Hana was still ahead of me, and I followed her like a dog with its tail between its legs. I had to come up with something; Madoka-san was right. Hana needed to know my feelings. She's my daughter, the person I cherished most in my life…

How I wished…

That she would be with me and understand all the feelings I have…

For the girl, she calls, "Onee-chan.”

“Hana…”

I spoke up, earning a turn from her.

"Let's go get some ice cream…."

“… I’m not a kid, mom.”

“But I am!”

I teased as I poked her nose. Annoyed, she turned away and started walking. I followed her to a place called "The Ice Box." which was a small place one could sit in and enjoy a scoop or two.

“What kind would you like?”

I asked. Hana waited for a moment and pointed at a red-colored one. I think she just wanted to be different. Hana cutely hopped up as she made her selection.

“I want that… blueberry.”

“We’ll have 1 blueberry scoop and 1 chocolate scoop.”

After we were served, we sat down at a booth seat. It had a large window to see the people in the mall passing by. Inside was quiet, likely because it was so cold, not a lot of people wanted ice cream. Silently, I watched her eat her meal. Hana was nothing like me… She always stayed proper even when enjoying such a sweet and childish dessert.

“… Why are you staring at me, mom?”

“Because you’ve grown… Hana.”

“Mom?”

I thought about that night… when I sent my husband out for a few snacks… and he never returned. I held Hana… and I knew that I would do everything for her. When I looked at her, she… seemed to have grown into a fine young lady…

“Mom… why are you crying?”

 

 

I looked at my chocolate ice cream… as my loose tears started to mix with it.

“… I’m sorry… I’m… just really sorry.”

I whispered. What I didn’t want to happen… finally did. The balled-up frustration that I’ve created showed itself in tears. I… never wanted Hana to be disappointed in me… but…

“Mom… I’m not mad at you. I… I just want to understand you.”

"I know, Hana… I understand that… but it's hard. I… I don't know what I'd do if you hated me…."

"Mom, I would never hate you…."

She whispered and held my hand. I… didn't deserve anything remotely close to kindness from her, though.

“… I’m… just not ready to… go into this yet.”

I confessed. Like I did to Ayumi, I wasn't ready to fully… expose myself and open my tender heart. Even if I knew it would hurt my little baby… that's as honest as I could be with her.

"… Yeah, I'm noticing that, mom."

Pitifully, I tasted my chocolate ice cream. It was like Hana was my parent… looking down on her sorry excuse for a daughter. How I wished it was simple to just say that… That I was in love with Madoka…But life… wouldn’t let me have her… When we finished, we got up and left. Silently, we walked. We could see a crowd of people happily making their way through the mall from below. However, the situation between Hana and I was nothing like theirs. It felt strange, anxious… and fake as we held hands.

“Hm?”

From the corner of my eye, I saw… someone…

She lit up the dark world around me… but my heart pinged when I… saw her with another person…

“Mom?”

Hana’s voice was like a mile away as I zeroed in on…

Madoka-san… holding flowers from…

“Saitou-bucho?”

Everything in me didn't want to process what I was witnessing. But I already knew… that something was different when my boss was with Madoka-san.

It all came together…

“Is that Onee-chan?”

 

Bitterly… I watched someone who had every right to be with Madoka-san… be with Madoka-san.

“Mom? Mom…”

Madoka-san was… smiling… happy and having fun. It made me realize the simple things I never gave.  But instead of being glad for Madoka-san… 

I was…

Jealous…

 

 

I rode home silently with Hana soon after. I prayed that Hana didn't see through me but, that wasn't worth hoping for. Madoka-san was moving on… or at least trying to. And I needed to accept that.

“Mom…”

Her tender voice etched in my ear. When we hit a stoplight, I turned to my little Hana.

“Yes, Hana?”

“When you’re ready… please tell me how Onee-chan makes you feel, alright?"

 

Her words were… gentle. Not judging at all. I couldn't answer her… but the most honest thing that I could say to her came out at the end of our short trip was…

"…I love you, Hana… I want you to know that…."

“…I know… and I love you too, mom.”