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Koda Mari's Perspective

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It was Saturday morning. This would mark the first day in the house without Madoka-san since she woke up from her coma. I awoke on my trusty couch. The one partner that would never leave my side no matter what happens. I clenched the cushions as my mind began to piece together last night. Seeing Madoka-san off, angry and upset, tore my heart to pieces.

 

 

“Madoka-san…”

Her name pushed out of my cold lips softly. I… hated seeing her look that way, and it only added to the severity of our family's situation. Madoka-san… was hurting and has been for a while, thanks to my choices...

I thought about the days when Madoka was sleeping. I would visit her daily, so there was always that point of the day to look forward to. I would get off work, get redressed in the afternoon, and make my way over to the hospital. As I sat there, I'd hold her hand and promise her that everything would be alright.

 

 

But things were different in comparison from then to today. I couldn't see Madoka-san when I wanted to. I wasn’t allowed to hold her hand and tell her it would be okay. As of yesterday, I officially lost Madoka-san.

“Hmm…”

I was lost in my own thoughts as I looked at the ceiling. Madoka-san made the right choice and gave her mother and me the chance to figure things out. But… that would mean no matter how much I want to see her, I'd have to face my own problems before that would be possible.

Annoyingly, my black bangs fell in front of my face as I tried to think about my best course of action. It was simple, I thought. I needed to open my heart and tell Ayumi my feelings. It sounded easy, like pulling off a band-aid… but it wasn't.

In the time we'd spent together, her feelings for me only grew stronger. It may have started out as a way to cope with her loneliness. But Ayumi's heart became entwined with me as the years went by. Ayumi loves me to the point that she'd sacrifice her relationship with her daughter to… bring back the days when Madoka-san was in her coma.

“That… isn’t right, Ayumi.”

I sat up from the couch and looked at my old room. Today… had to be the day I faced my problems before it was too late. If I continued to hold it off, Madoka-san would get further and further away from me, causing me anxiety.

I wouldn't know who she was meeting and getting to know as I was away from her. I understood how this sounded… but when Madoka-san was with me in this house, I could at least see her changing before my eyes.

“Now, I have no idea what Madoka-san is doing.”

I held my covers close to me as I continued looking at the white ceiling above. When Madoka-san came home from the hospital, I knew who she was hanging out with. I was told who she met again at school and what was going on in her life.

But since she left, I couldn’t be an active part of her life. I… wouldn't know if someone at her school or in her life became romantically involved with her. Madoka-san and I are effectively unacquainted.

"I'm so selfish…."

I hated the thoughts I was having. Madoka-san was never mine the moment I accepted Ayumi-san’s feelings. But… I'm so jealous that I can't take it that she deserves to be happy without me. It's only been a few hours since she left… and I'm already destroying myself from the inside with guilt and self-loathing.

“I… need to get up.”

I pushed my blanket off of me as I stood up. Aggressively, I slapped my face, trying my best to wake myself up and motivate myself into what I needed to do. My feet kicked off the couch, and I landed on the carpet.

With a fierce stride, I marched over to my old room’s door. This room I shared with Ayumi for more than two years. But as I looked at the door, all those emotions felt foreign to me. I gently knocked on the door and called out to… her.

“Ayumi… I think it’s about time we talk, don’t you?”

There wasn't an answer at the door. I needed to break down this wall I've created between us. The room that used to be for the both of us was now a prison for one.

I calmed my mind and went to open it when I heard footsteps come from the steps behind me. Hana seemed to have just woken up and was ready to do her morning activities. Her soft feet bounced downstairs as she rushed past the living room towards the bathroom.

“Oh?”

The little flower perked up as she spotted me. I must have looked strange as I stood at the door with my hand reaching out to open it. I wasn’t quite there yet as my hand dangled in the air. Awkwardly, she walked over and looked at the door just like me.

“Mom hasn’t come out yet, has she, mom?”

Hana asked worriedly.

"Not yet, Hana. I'm… I'm going to try and talk with Ayumi. Are you hungry, Hana?"

“Not at the moment.”

She shook her head.

Hana never ate much, so I expected that. But today, I believe she was considerate and likely just wanted to make sure we had as much time as we needed together. With her hand behind her back, she stepped away from the door, giving me a bit of distance.

"It's Saturday, but our school has the day off today. I’m going to play my new game all day… is that okay, mom?”

“Of course, it is. Ah… what game is it, Hana?”

I attempted to remember which one I bought for her recently. Hana's shoulders slumped. That girl expressed herself so fluently at times that it made me feel like I lacked something humans could just… do. She shook her head from side to side, causing that long hair of hers to dance in the morning light.

“You wouldn’t remember if I told you, Mom. So, don’t worry about it.”

Dejectedly, Hana pushed out her lips. She reminded me of a blowfish. All she needed were the gills and fins to turn from a beautiful flower into a sea creature.

“Yeah... I know. I’m not good at remembering the latest games, Hana.”

I slumped my shoulders too. It was like Hana was a mini-sized mirror version of myself as we both copied each other’s movements.

She wasn't wrong. I… honestly didn't care enough about video games to make a conscious effort to remember which ones she played. I'm sure Hana came to that understanding a while back. I thought about that day when I went out with Madoka-san to run errands. I… nearly bought the wrong thing because I couldn't remember the name of the game Hana wanted. It made me wonder if other mothers have this problem… or if it’s just me again.

“Yeah, but you’d remember everything about the latest fashions, mom. You’re… like Onee-san when it comes to that stuff.”

“Like Onee-san?”

I mumbled. It was childish, but… I felt a bit glad that Hana pointed that out. However, it seemed that mentioning Madoka-san like that was taboo as the mood became awkward. We both looked away momentarily as we tried our best to not meet each other's eyes.

Hana looked at the door, then back at me.

"If you two… need to go out, I'm okay with being home alone, you know, Mom?”

I crossed my arms.

"I’m sure you are, Hana, but Ayumi wouldn't like that at all. I much rather we just stay in and talk this out. There’s nothing wrong with me sitting in the room with her and… explaining everything with her."

Seemingly annoyed, Hana put her hand on her hip.

"But that's not going to happen, mom. You know it better than me… I think you two need to find a place to sit down and talk about everything."

My daughter rubbed the back of her head as she continued.

“And I mean… everything. Especially the parts that you still find it hard to chat with me about, mom.”

I… saw her father in her eyes. It was brief but certainly there. Hana was determined to make sure things were discussed between her two moms. But leaving her alone didn’t sit right with me either. It… was a hard choice to make.

“What about Sora-chan? Can she come over, or can you go over to her house, Hana?"

She shook her head.

“No, she’s busy babysitting her cousins. Maybe I can ask her to come over tomorrow if she isn’t too busy. But today… isn’t a good day for her, mom.”

I closed my eyes and sighed deeply.

“Today might not be a good day.”

Hana said.

“But tomorrow, if I can convince her, I’m sure you two could spend the entire day out together tomorrow. I wanted to show Sora-chan this game, and she's been excited to play it too. Would that be okay, mom?"

Hana sounded so mature as she tried to plan everything out. I couldn’t help but poke her nose in an attempt to remind myself that she was still my baby girl.

“That means both of you can play “house” together. You know, watch it for us while we’re out like a married couple?”

I teased. Hana shook her head, pushing my finger off her nose. She wasn’t taking it this morning as she popped up like a flower to the sun.

“Play “house?!” I'm not a kid anymore, mom. I-It's about time you start treating me like an adult!"

In a huff, she ran across the room to the bathroom. Before she got there, she tripped and fell on the floor. I was about to rush over to see if she was okay, but like the soldier she was, she jumped back up as if nothing had happened.

“I’m okay!”

Hana said through the pain. Just seeing her rush around like this defeated the idea she was trying to instill in me. Hana shut the door gently, thankfully. I didn’t need her slamming the door like a defiant teenager. With her out of the hallway, I turned back to the door and knocked on it again.

"Ayumi… if you're awake, I want to know if you'd like to talk to me today. I… I have a lot to discuss with you.”

After seeing Madoka-san leave last night… and letting it settle in this morning that she was gone… something within me flared up. It was brief but full of emotion. That part inside me wanted to push through and find out what to do. It… was pressing me to talk with Ayumi finally.

I needed to tell Ayumi why I told her I loved her in the past. I wanted her to be happy, and at the time, I did only accept her feelings because I was afraid of what she'd do to herself. I… was scared that Madoka-san would wake up and she’d be without the mother she loved so dearly.

But I didn't want to blame Ayumi for needing my support either. At that time… I tried to put myself out there for her. I… wanted to make sure she was safe.

But as time went on… I wanted to protect Ayumi just as much as Madoka-san. But putting Madoka-san and Ayumi next to one another, Madoka-san outweighs her in all aspects. My feelings… are too strong for Madoka-san, which needed to be addressed.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t love Nakagawa Ayumi. But it does mean that I can’t hide the fact that I’ve lied to her. So, we needed to talk about ourselves. I can't allow her and me to fall into the point that we avoid it altogether to live in an illusion of happiness that we’ve had for these past two years.

"When you wake up, Ayumi… I think today is the best day for us to sit down and chat…."

She seemed to still be asleep as she wasn't responding. I took a deep breath and sighed softly, trying to break all the nerves I had. It was then that the doorknob turned, and the door opened slightly. The room was dark, and the figure of Ayumi with disheveled hair looked at me through the dark crack of the door.

 

 

“Oh… sorry for not responding. I… I just got up...and I have a headache.”

Ayumi confessed as her thin fingers touched the edge of the door. I could see that she was apprehensive about seeing me for a good reason. I backed up slightly, speaking to her as softly as possible.

“I… wanted to find time to talk about us… Ayumi.”

"Yeah… I agree, Mari. Ah… we should talk about everything…."

I could see her blue eyes gaze at me.

“I’ve been crying all night… and I didn’t get to sleep until around an hour ago.”

Ayumi said weakly.

“Do you mind… if we chat about this tomorrow? I… I just need a day to myself to think, Mari.”

She asked tenderly. All I could do was nod. It felt like she cast a spell on me that made me unable to speak correctly.

“Yeah… we can chat tomorrow, Ayumi.”

“Thank you… I’m… just tired right now.”

Ayumi said before shutting the door gently. She must have been up thinking about Madoka-san. I doubted that she’d come out for breakfast even if I asked her. So, to give her the space she needed, I decided to make my way back into the living room.

“I guess today is too soon.”

I whispered as I thought about it.

“Madoka-san… I miss you already.”

Madoka-san was only back in my life for four months. But within that time, she was with us. Madoka-san shined and made an impact on this family. I'm not sure if she'll come back the same… but one thing that this event with her leaving did show me was that all of us miss that girl in our own ways. It's only been a day, and she had a hold on all of our hearts.

“Yeah… I’ll figure this out.”

With determination, I nodded. My stomach tensed up as I planned to do something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I was going to tell others how I felt. So, I walked into the kitchen and clicked the stove on. The fire burned like my resolve.

“I…”

I whispered to myself. But before I finished, I looked around the empty kitchen… then continued what I was saying.

“I… made a lot of people upset by my actions. But I want to fix everything… or at least make it right.”

I wanted to say it aloud. My parents forced me to hold inside my emotions. They didn't want me to say what was on my mind. So, when someone would reach out to me and bring out my feelings... it made them unique in my eyes. I… have always been waiting for others to come and change me.

But it wasn't like that any longer. I had to face all the problems I made head-on and show the people I care about… that I love them.

“I love Hana. I love Nakagawa Ayumi…”

As I added the oil to the pan, I watched as it began to sizzle and pop.

 

“But my feelings for Nakagawa Madoka haven’t changed since that night I sat with her on her bed… and realized my own feelings.”

I recalled that time…

 

 

In the days before my feelings.

How… I slowly began to fall in love with Nakagawa Madoka.