Chapter 15: Something Worse
In comparison to the Hellish world’s highway, I wasn’t aware how long or far I’d been walking away from what used to be my home. My mind was far too preoccupied with its war over which side I should take: find a someone who looked like me and I couldn’t fully see, relocate myself somewhere safe to stay, walk up to a police officer and try to convince them I was Clint Jeter and I had nothing to do with my house burning down, try returning to that Hell to find my dad, or give up everything and go back to Adam.
That was a lot to think about.
With the sound of my voice lost in the hard rain, I was busy talking to myself about the first option. “What am I going to do? Kill her? Knock her around? How? She’d just blow me away or burn me until -- oh no, she wouldn’t need to do that.” I wiggled a finger in front of my face as I spoke. “One little tap and I’d slip right back into Clementine and I’d be the fuck toy that bitch wants me to be.”
After realizing what I had said, I kept an eye out for who or what would be around to listen. It wasn’t a good idea to be talking like this with an audience -- despite the hard screen of rain to have heard me, there had always been a chance someone would pick up a warning flag and listen.
Someone might have been able to help me, but, no… I wouldn’t have done that. Even if they were innocent bystanders to the whole story of my current life’s nightmarish episode, I didn’t want to drag anyone else into this.
As I took a small break from thinking on this first thought, I looked around at my surroundings and realized how close I was to Corpus Christi. I wasn’t a Catholic, but I doubted the inhabitants would turn away anyone seeking asylum.
This was actually made out to be a school too. Just about everything could be found here. It was like a village within our industrialized town.
The building, or a series of annexed compartment buildings, were built to follow in the aftermath of a foreign exodus. Immigrants boarded here and lived their whole lives within this tiny kingdom.
Many years ago, this would be considered the tracks. A lower social and economic social status for the Corpus Christi residents. But instead of this being considered the tracks, it was the fence.
I never came here before, and I saw the nine foot wire fence keeping the grounds safe being a good reason. It was why I never adventured here before. Plus the thick and high great and blueish-grey walls of Corpus Christi gave me a gothic impression. Like this place was medieval and kept all those within seeking salvation blissfully deaf and ignorant to what went on outside.
They were saved and lived on with their lives without a single worry of those who still struggled to meet the demands we all made for ourselves.
But today, I had no desire to seek someone to save me, as I had no wish to involve anyone else, I had wanted to explore a possibility. I wondered, ’Can this place protect me?’ I figured I could test whether or not staying the night here would keep my demon away.
When I approached the school, I laid my hand on the fence. The metal wire was cold in my grip.
Very cold.
Something about that chilly touch gave me the urgency to back away. I ignored it.
“You should know better.” This voice wasn’t heard, but evoked from within my mind, and spoke again. ”This house of vulnerable minds you’ve found? As a want, a belief, to crawl on your hands and knees. Beg for merciful peace? What shall happen to her? Protected, cherished, and watched over. You against a being older than what you’ve become, and yet you think, or think to know, and expect a shield?" The voice rose in volume. "Shelter yourself, as if you would know, and wait in anticipation for the fallout. A worse agony, perhaps?" Then the voice softened."Think on it.”
These weren’t my thoughts, let alone a voice I’d recognized as belonging to anyone I’ve met. But I was confused and worried by what this voice meant.
”Simple. See where you are going, acknowledge what you enter, discover your folly, and regret too late.” The voice spoke in my head, but that didn't make me comprehend what it said.
“What?” I wasn’t sure if this voice was trying to be sophisticated or cryptic or just crazy-talk.
Either one, I had no idea what it was saying.
”Dull? Very dull. Ignorant mass. Grind away your time until you have been belittled. Too late, you will have sharpened, shaped, and your potential narrowed.”
Either I was really stupid or this voice was babbling nonsense.
”Wrong, and yet, what I have seen of your progress, I do wonder how you've survived this long.”
“Why, fuck you very much,” I whispered that to myself since I doubted whatever this was happened to be really around me. So far, I believed this to be all in my head.
That voice mentally spoke to me once more. ”Follow your path and make your own fatal conclusion. Come back and learn to live. Your decision.”
“What?” And again, I had no idea what or why it suggested something so vague.
But it sounded like a warning… or a threat.
Then I thought, ’Maybe I’m just going insane?’
“...Maybe I should end it?” From the looks of it, the hard rain did not stop the flow of traffic. It would be easy to step out in front of a car and shut my eyes for good.
On that note, I closed my eyes and was about to take a step away from the fence back towards the busy street --
-- but fell back. The fence acted like a stiff net, but I didn’t just fall. Something applied pressure against my chest and pushed me back. The painful criss-crossed wire dug into my back like frozen steel that would adhere to my burning flesh.
After wiping and blinking the rain out of my eyes, I looked around for what had pushed me. Nothing was seen out of the ordinary. In a moment after being dazed from my unexpected fall, and experiencing that frigid back pain, I tried to stand back up. It was a difficult effort to get back on my feet.
And yet, once I attempted to take another step, I slipped right back down on the ground.
”A crossroad has paths, not walls. I will never grant permission to end a journey.” There I go again, hearing voices. “We are eternal.“
“Eternal? As in, immortal?” I begun to wonder, ’Is this thing going to give me a clear answer?’
”Immortals live forever. Eternals always exist.” I should’ve figured it wouldn’t talk straight with me.
“Shut up.” Whatever was in my head sounded like it was trying hard to be philosophical. “And leave me alone.”
”My roof, my rules.”
“...The fuck does that mean?” As I fought against the supernatural push keeping me down, I considered what it said. When I reached above my head to grab the terribly cold fence, I stood without resistance.
Right now, I would have gladly welcomed a roof, but I craved dry clothes more. The soaked outfit Helen gave and had me wear was heavily soaked enough that I had to hold my britches up or risk mooning the church behind me.
Despite how ridiculous that would be, this was a dire situation and a serious discussion. “I want my life back.”
“Choose; your path experiences sorrow, or hers offers happiness.”
I was fatigued by the physical and mental toll of holding onto the fence, which I gripped tightly into my fist, and onto my sanity -- I had to wonder, 'How much of that is left?'
"Enough to reason."
“Shut the fuck up!” As soon as I yelled that, I felt the pressure on my chest had shifted and transformed into a crushing presence within the core of my bosom. In the rain, I cried out: “I want my dad back!”
”Loss is painful. Come back.”
This wasn’t me going crazy, and if that was the case, there was only one other who I could think of that had the ability to get into my head. And I had enough. “If you’re that bitch who’s been fucking up my life, then come out where I can see you.”
”No and yes.” After that bewildering statement, this thing let out a bark of laughter at such a high pitch that its echo sharply ringed like my skull was vast and empty.
Before I could recover from the resounding ping in my head, I asked: “What...?”
Then I felt it. Not a heat, but a presence of fire. Invisible as it was, and regardless of how the rain drenched me, I was cooked. I didn’t just burn, I experienced my whole body being engulfed in a silent vortex of flames. And it rendered me speechless, as if the very air was sucked right out of me. I couldn’t scream.
It was only endured for an instant.
Somehow I had remained standing. As much as I had wanted to, I did not release my next breath with a scream. Just a moment to fill my lungs again and be overwhelmed with a sense of confusion.
With my eyes closed, I attempted to recompose myself and evaluate what I had experienced. It was painful, and yet, I was glad for the introduction. This had given me a revelation.
Whoever this was, it was not the same creature who had been torturing me.
Very slowly, I asked: “Who are… who are you, and… and what was that?”
”Me not being amused. Come back.”
Once more, I fell back down on the concrete in front of the fence. I stated: “You’re… you’re not giving me a… a choice.”
”Sorrow or happiness. Come back.”
At last, I was getting the gist of what this thing meant. I drew up my knees and curled down to lay my head into my arms as I crossed them over my knees. Being soaking wet, I didn’t care anymore if I drowned in this spot.
It repeated: ”Wander no further. Come back.”
In a choked whimper, I asked: “Who are you?”
”Come back.” This time, the voice had an insistent tone.
“And live? She’s torturing me...” As soon as that had left my lips, I felt, rather than envisioned whatever it was had been smiling at me. It faded, like how the moon disappeared in the early light of morning.
A clarity returned to me. It was as if my head was clotted with a thick dark substance before it leaked out. Nothing else was said or voiced.
My mind was left alone in silence..
After some time had passed, I stood and left. And I believed whatever it was that had assaulted me here had now allowed me to leave. It might have been because I wasn’t going to take my life anymore.
In a defeated manner, I was resigned, but not in that suicidal way.
“Happiness?” That was not the reason I had gone into that Hell. “Come back?” That had been what I wanted my dad to do, not me. “Sorrow?” I had sunk low enough, and knew it would only become worse as I lived on.
But there was another way to take that message. For others, I had to live or else I’d burden them with…
“With sorrow,” I hated to admit it, but that was true. Adam had thought of my going would be a bad idea, and if he discovered I was dead… I didn’t want to hurt him. “Besides, I would be letting Dad down.”
However difficult it was going to become, I wouldn’t quit my search, but... if I returned, I’d slip back into that lovesick and dreamy girl who wanted Adam. I’d become Clementine again. I had silently asked myself if returning was my only choice.
As I continued to contemplate this strange discussion I had, I arrived to another awful thought.
“Loss… did it mean Dad was lost?” If my dad was gone, and I had fallen under the influence of that she-devil, I wondered, ’Is that what it meant? I’ll forget my losses and live happily?’
To go back, I might gain happiness, but it wouldn’t truly be me who was happy with the decision...
Still deep in thought, I had missed the sunset with the dark and stormy overcast of clouds. It had created a false night.
Because of the early darkness, being aware of my surroundings became difficult. Keeping to the sidewalks, I fell silent and aimlessly walked a little longer.
As regretful precaution, to prevent myself from becoming lost, I turned around and went back the way I’d come. Being careful, I took stock of the blocks I passed to be sure not to reenter the proximity of my home block. I was still wary of being implicated, especially if I was correct about who set that fire and how I currently appeared.
Instead of vainly contemplating how to contend with the suspected firestarter, I went over the few subjects I had left to work with. If I kept on walking, I’d eventually have to find some hole to sleep in for the night. I thought about that and decided outdoor life would be a bad idea.
Had I stayed with my original intent to approach my home, I’d have gone to jail. No questions asked until they knew I wouldn’t be running away again.
That reignited an intense emotion in me. The very idea of being put behind bars filled me with dread because that’s where I was seeing myself in a few years. Erin was right about me; I kept to myself while I watched for opportunities to exploit.
Despite how I had little control as Clementine, that made me wonder if I had been taking advantage of Adam. My other self was still myself, just a part of me I didn’t know could exist, and that worried me.
Just as Erin predicted would possibly have happened in our relationship, I asked myself, “What if I hurt him?”
In my chest again, something squeezed, but I ignored it. I mulled over my question until I felt close to shedding tears again. I just didn’t know if it was because of the fist in my chest or my concern of what would happen to Adam.
Then again, I was sick and tired. I hadn’t eaten or kept anything I drank down since I jumped through Dad’s window into another world. And this bad weather was not helping me get over my fever.
...I needed shelter, but there was no other hospitable place to stay in other than Adam’s home. I really didn’t like the idea of returning there, but the other choices were not very warm, welcoming plans.
The rain was a reminder of an idea that worked, and I told myself one thing. “Cold. So long I remain cold, I have control.” Like before, I could always return to the tub of freezing water and remain awake the whole night. “Not like I have school anymore. And Adam does allow me to sleep.” Nodding, I recalled he had a sleeping bag. “I’ll sleep on the floor. Maybe take his brother’s room?”
The little time back when I had wandered down the hall of photos, I didn’t recollect any spare room in the house. Adam’s bedroom, the master bedroom, a bathroom, kitchen, living room, and maybe a basement.
“Ha, I could live like a troll in the basement. There we go.” I’d just come up to see the light of day when I would have to play the role of maid.
It took me a little while to find Adam’s place in the dark, let alone the rain. The only way I managed to find his home was because they’d left their front porch light on. That was the only light on. I wondered, ’How long have I been wandering around?’
Before I ended that thought, I was about to ring their doorbell, but stopped myself.
My hand was poised with a light touch on the button. If it really was late, they’d all be asleep by now. I would have missed dinner.
Shaking my head, I apologized to their door in a soft whisper. “I’m sorry.”
Lowering my hand down from their doorbell, I laid a cold and wet palm across my flat tummy in wonder at how I was not starving.
There was an odd sound that came from the rainfall. I lifted my gaze and searched for it until I found the running water that came from their roof gutter. All that water had drained down a downspout, but the extension was off at the very bottom.
With a sigh, I muttered incoherently as I remembered I’d promised to do anything to stay here, and this would be a part of that bargain. Thing was, if Adam’s family had ignored something like this, I’d eventually be dealing with a flooded basement.
With a bit of apprehension, and since I was already soaked to the bone, I searched around the house for any early signs of water damage. Luckily the soil had not eroded around the foundation yet.
“That’s good.” I returned to the front, then I knelt down, and had been about to set the extension onto the end of the downspout --
-- and slimy gutter water poured over me.
“Fuck!” With my arms held out and away from me, I backed away from the house until I had a better scope of the situation.
Then I looked up and saw the reason the extension had fallen off. Their gutter had a missing bolt that caused the attached port to swing loose where the downspout connected. I had no ladder, tools, or replacements to fix this.
As I had my gaze up, I saw the white flashing light show in the dark clouds. It was turning into a real storm.
“I’ll deal with this tomorrow.” I ran back to the front door.
Feeling wet and yucky, I realized how bad of a condition I was in and that I’d make a mess dripping everywhere inside. Once I would go in, I planned to head straight for the bathroom to strip down for a shower. A cold one. That way, I wouldn’t have any unsettling thoughts influencing my actions tonight.
Thankfully, I knew my plan. Tonight would be me sleeping on the floor in Adam’s sleeping bag. Tomorrow, I’d have to discover what was below the house to see if I could live down there. It might come off as odd, but I could reason with the parents that I didn’t want anything to happen before a commitment.
After awhile, maybe in a few months, I could figure something out. And I thought, ’Maybe in that time, I’ll have adjusted to being a girl?’
As soon as that thought came to me, I had another thought that I never considered before. It had upset me because it conflicted with my search for Dad.
“Unless Dad does come back?” I lowered and shook my head when I voiced my concern. “How am I going to deal with this? If he comes back, how will he know I’m his son?”
There was a horrible possibility I might not recognize him either if he suffered a similar fate as me. I doubted that. Likely, knowing how everything had been turning out, my dad was in worse shape. Especially if that nightmare I had really gave me a clue of his whereabouts.
Those reaching, grabbing, and writhing tower of stretched out and monstrous limbs.
Shaking my head, I didn’t want to contemplate how my dad would be like after being inside that menacing tower of fleshy limbs. How I remembered it, they appeared to have been climbing to the black burning sky. Like they had gathered together and deformed themselves by twisting around each other to reach higher.
Slow and quietly, I opened the front door and slipped inside. To the side of the lowest step, I set the flip flops down on top of each other in a way that I hoped nobody would trip or slip and fall down.
Dripping wet, I had to remove the sunglasses -- now that I wasn’t going to freak anybody out -- and wait for my eyes to adjust in the darkness of the stairwell. The porch light outside helped, so long I didn’t look behind myself and ruin my sight’s progress.
As silently as I could, I climbed the stairs and headed straight to the bathroom.
Closing the door behind me, I gingerly began to peel off my soaked clothes in disgust. I had left them in the sink and planned to deal with the outfit later.
Since I wasn’t worried about adjusting the temperature, I hopped into the shower and simply turned on the full cold water. Flinching, I nearly jumped out when hit by the frigid stream. That chilly moment allowed me to note that, by accident, I’d left the curtain open. I pulled the curtain shut just as I heard a knock on the door.
I took a peek and saw the door open a crack.
In a hushed voice, I heard Adam speak through the narrow opening. “Clint, are you okay? Where have you been?”
Clenching my jaw, I fully shut the curtain and ignored him. I placed my face directly in the path of the shower to refresh my composure.
After a minute, I heard the door shut. I was about to sigh with relief until I heard Adam outside the curtain.
“Clint? My parents were upset for a little bit, if that’s what you are worried about, but they understand that you’re going through a tough time right now. Not like they are angry, just -- well, ah, ya know. Not real happy about putting effort into something and you not showing up.” I saw the outline of his hands come up as if to ward me off from retorting. “I don’t mind. Especially since it was us that set up everything. I, ahm, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
In a shivering voice, I spoke a little louder than the shower for him to hear me. “Adam. Go to bed. I’m not in the mood to talk about what happened right now.”
Instantly, he responded with his earlier warning. “This is why I told you not to accuse Roger. What did he do?” He jumped to conclusions, but I couldn’t outright correct him. “I’m going back to school tomorrow and I’ll find out.”
I clenched my jaw again and kept quiet about that for only a moment. I had to carefully think over how to respond.
Then I shot my quivering voice at him. “You won’t. Roger didn’t do anything. In fact, he’s going to help, along with David and Erin.” At least, I hoped Erin would still help. After our last conversation, I wouldn’t be surprised if Erin convinced the other two to drop the whole thing out of suspicion of who I was. “Go to bed. I’ll be awhile.”
Just barely, I could tell that Adam shook his head before asking about me again. “Can you tell me that you’re okay?”
My voice began to quaver not from the cold, but how I felt right now as I lied. “I’m fine. Go. Leave me alone.”
He told me in a flat voice. “You’re fine.” I saw his silhouette turned towards the door. “I’m going to bed.” There was silence for a few seconds before he made a request. “Please -- please don’t do anything... I mean, be okay. Come out when you are ready to, but please be okay.”
One final time, in a soft voice that I was unsure if he heard, I told him to, “Go to bed.”
The shadowy image of his figure left the curtain and I heard the door open and shut. With trembling hands, I began to scrub myself clean.
The time it took me to wash up would probably have been close to an hour. I didn’t time myself, but I did extend the duration in the shower because I wanted to be sure Adam was asleep. When I would go into his room to sleep, I wanted to be certain it was an undisturbed slumber on the floor without any questions asked.
Stepping out of the shower, I immediately saw how I dried. In a single split second, I caught the vapor leaving my hot body. I was still shivering from freezing myself and I didn’t know how long I had until my control was lost.
Because of that, I took a quick mouth rinse from the sink’s faucet and spat.
Before I went for a towel, my reflection gave me reason to stop and stare.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” I raised my hand up to my ears and felt the length of them.
They had grown and narrowed into points rather than that angular edge. Not quite a knife ear, but I was going to get looks from now on. Luckily, my hair had grown more and I could partially hide my elfin ears.
Only one other thing made me trip up before I grabbed a towel: the clothes I’d worn were gone. Adam must have taken them to get washed before he went back to bed.
I shook my head and whispered: “Always considerate.”
Wrapped in a towel, I headed out of the bathroom for his bedroom.
Opening up his door, I peeked into his dark room to see him lying asleep under the covers in his bed. I slipped in, softly shut the door behind me, and snuck to his closet for that sleeping bag.
It was an easy find, since Adam had taken it out yesterday to only put it back. I let out a quiet sigh of relief how easy that part was.
Unrolling and laying out the bag, I opened it up in preparation of my entry. I removed the towel and hung it off of the doorknob. Technically, it was clean and I didn’t want to dirty it on the floor.
Lowering myself down to the floor, I slid easily into the sleeping bag and covered myself up in it. I could have enjoyed a pillow, but made do with my arm raised behind my head.
All I had to do now was fall asleep and this terrible night would be over. I was tired.
Tired of all of it…
