After a while of self-loathing lying on her bed Claudia eventually had the nerve to get up and go see if the computer was free. An hour or so of random web surfing would hopefully help her feel a bit better, but the moment the messenger kicked in she was jumped by two people almost immediately.

Sophie seemed to have signed on not long before her, while Lloyd appeared to be doing his usual two hours of coursework revision-- another twenty minutes and he'd be signing off for the night. Both seemed to pause long enough to send her messages that were almost identical: are you ok?

With Lloyd's chatbox active her fingers hovered over the keys for a while, drawing a complete blank for the longest time. After her conversation with Sophie and Daisy today she was almost convinced to tell him then and there, but she was so afraid of never talking to him again that she couldn't bring herself to write anything just yet. She remembered the unopened messages on her phone and winced, which only doubled her guilt as she eventually typed out a very vague but overall positive response, before leaping straight into Sophie's message box and typing out: when you get a crush on someone, you want to do stuff with them, don't you?

They both started typing back at the same time, which didn't help her anxiety at the moment, though she did take a minute to go back upstairs and actually read the messages Lloyd had sent her earlier. The first was just a continuation of the chat they'd been having before, basically just wishing her a nice time at the cinema; the second one was just a comment about relief at having the last lesson free to go home early, and then the third one was asking what Daisy was asking about. Not the scary texts she was expecting, but she still felt bad for ignoring them for so long.

By the time she arrived back downstairs Sophie was typing out her resposne, and so Claudia went back to Lloyd and quickly typed out an apology. 'I didn't mean to ignore you, sorry, Daisy and Sophie were winding me up', she explained, holding her head in her hand again. Would he ask about it now? This was too much for one day...

Sophie pinged, and a little hesitantly Claudia switched to read. 'What do you mean?' was her response, and Claudia sighed softly as she tried to think of a way to phrase it. They already knew she had a crush, but they also thought she was wildly sexual and hilariously innapropriate about it. Would Sophie even believe her if she tried to explain? She did her best anyway, and nervously chewed on the sleeve of her jacket as she waited for a response. This was such a weird conversation to be having, though at least with Sophie she didn't feel so exposed: if anyone had good insight into something like this, it was Sophie, and Claudia knew her response would be honest.

Lloyd went ignored for a moment, which was surprising for Claudia to realise, but she was waiting so intently for Sophie's response that she barely spared him a glance. She typed and retyped a few times, and eventually replied with 'yeah, I like doing stuff like that. Why?'.

Running her hands through her hair Claudia let out a frustrated groan, before typing back 'so people saying women are not horny is an absolute lie?'. Once the words were on the screen she already felt like an idiot, but what else could she believe when she never felt that kind of attraction to anyone? Oh boy, Sophie was going to laugh at her so hard.

It took a while to get Sophie to understand what she was trying to get across, to the point that Lloyd sent another message to try and get her attention. Claudia hadn't quite yet stated to Sophie that 'horny' just wasn't a feeling she had for people, apparently, but she felt bad for leaving Lloyd on hold for so long.

He'd sent her two questions: 'how were they winding you up?' and 'seriously, are you ok?'. She couldn't help but hold her head in her hands again, rubbing her eyes as she took a deep, calming breath, before finally sending back 'yeah, it's all good'. And then 'I think'. Followed shortly by 'I don't know'. He'd been so understanding before; maybe he could help her out again? Or would she make it too obvious she had a thing for him? This was all so frustrating.

His response came quickly enough: 'you wanna talk about it?' he asked, and her hands hovered hesitantly over the keyboard for a few seconds before he added 'you don't have to if you don't want to, but it helps sometimes'. She could imagine him shrugging nonchalantly as he said that, with a warm smile... Well, it was obvious she felt something for him.

Humming softly she checked briefly back with Sophie, who still seemed to be thinking it over, before going back to answer to Lloyd: 'I'm talking to Sophie about it at the moment, but I don't think it's going well', she told him, before Sophie's chatbox pinged and she switched again.

'If you don't feel anything LIKE THAT, maybe it's not really a crush?' she said, which definitely didn't help. Her stomach was twisting into knots now trying to make sense of what she was feeling, and what she wasn't feeling, and with a heavy heart she went back to Lloyd. He was typing something out now-- thanks to all his English reports he had a phenomenal typing speed compared to Sophie-- and before she could start forming any kind of addition to her last message he sent another: 'is it what they were bugging you about on the bus?'.

'Kind of', she replied, already a little worried about the way the conversation was going. If she stayed off the whole reason for the conversation, maybe he wouldn't get suspicious. 'Remember that conversation we had in the park?'.

'Yeah'.

'Well, I'm trying to explain that'. Rubbinng her hands across her face again she took another deep breath. 'I genuinely thought all women were like this, I'm so embarrassed' she added miserably, folding her arms and resting her head against them on the table. It hadn't been hard to talk to Lloyd about it before, so why was it so scary talking to Sophie about it now?

'Really? Why? And what about guys?'

'I dunno, I guess I've watched a lot of things where men are always horny and women generally aren't interested. Like the whole witholding sex thing-- men can't live without, and women just sort of do it to be in relationships'. Once again, writing it all out so bluntly felt like she was being very close-minded and idiotic, but the only way she'd get answers was by being honest. 'It's always the joke, isn't it? Women use sex to get relationships, and men use relationships to get sex. I get that that's not how anything works, but when you don't get the 'bone down' feeling it's pretty hard to figure stuff out'.

There was a long pause from Lloyd, and with a shaky sigh Claudia went back to Sophie. She hadn't replied to the last message and so Sophie hadn't said anything else. Trying to calm her nerves, Claudia finally replied: 'I really like him, though. Like, really really. Does it mean any less if I don't get any horny or sexy feelings?' she asked, though as she hit send it felt like her heart was in a vice. Talking to Lloyd about it was strangely calming; talking to Sophie was terrifying.

She was waiting so tensly for Sophie's response that she jumped when the notification jingle went off again, and quickly clicked onto Lloyd's messenger without realising that she'd just bared her sould to him too. There were a series of laughing emojis, which didn't bode well, but his actual message was a little less bruske: 'I get you. They show it a lot in sit-coms and shit, it's not the best message'. He wasn't making fun of her, that was a good sign, but he was typing out another message already. 'I can tell you now that guys want relationships just as much as girls, otherwise they wouldn't date them. And I can't really speak for women, but I'm pretty sure they want sex too, or there wouldn't be sex stuff aimed at them. Kingdoms wouldn't be a thing, right?'.

'Oh shit' was all Claudia could respond with at first, staring at the screen. 'I didn't think of it that way'.

Sophie's screen pinged, and she switched over hesitantly to read. 'Then I don't know. Guys kind of expect sexy stuff, don't they? Definitely kissing' she said, before quickly adding: 'You can't even share drinks how would you even kiss him???'.

A shiver ran up Claudia's spine, like her favourite song had just come on the radio at the perfect time. She never even thought of that, and while it was scary to begin with there was a big part of her that wanted to experience it. Not any kind of clawing, desperate need, but a quiet curiosity peeking around the corner in excitement. How had the thought of kissing... never crossed her mind? She could barely even put his name in the sentence without getting flustered, and there wasn't anyone around that she could be embarrassed about admitting that to. How hopeless: if this wasn't a crush then she had no idea what to do.

Sophie's comment was one that had crossed her mind many times before: who would want to date someone that doesn't want sex? It was crushing, and for the longest time she'd been telling herself that no-one would be with her because she was so un-sexual, but Lloyd's insight had been a gentle reassurance. It wasn't as brutally black and white as she'd always believed, and like he said before: sex wasn't everything in a relationship. They'd like her for her.

It made her much more confident in her reply: 'guys want relationships just as much as girls, or they wouldn't date them in the first place, right?' she parroted Lloyd's message. She was still nervous talking about it, but hearing Lloyd's opinion had definitely eased her concerns a little.

'Then if that's what was bothering you, just ask him out?' Sophie responded, and Claudia balked and flinched away from the keyboard. Ooh, not quite brave enough yet.

'Haha, yeah no'.

Lloyd pinged again, and she switched over: 'were they winding you up over this? How did this even come up?' he asked with another amused emoji, and panic started racing through her again. He was going to find out, oh shit... Wait, no, he'd only know what she told him, right? He wouldn't figure out something like a crush from that, would he?.

After a brief pause to think Claudia managed to finally respond: 'I wasn't talking enough about Graves' ass, apparently'. In a way it wasn't lying, since conversations about her crush were technically not talking about anything else.

'Was this why Daisy texted me?'

'Maybe? She saw that I had a message from you and wanted to know what we were talking about. I didn't want them reading through my phone'.

'Ah, right' was his first basic response, and she had a feeling he was thinking back over their conversations about his dad as well. 'Why did they want to read over it in the first place? What the hell were you talking about that led to that?' he asked with more amused emojis, but Claudia couldn't say she shared the same sentiment. What possible reason could they have to want to read through their messages if the reason didn't directly involve him.

In a bit of a panic all she could manage in response was: 'ahaha don't know, they were winding me up like I said'.

'Why were they interested in my message?' Oh god, these questions were getting very specific.

'Haha, I don't know. Sophie just saw it, I don't know'. How was she supposed to respond to this?

Grasping wildly at straws, she eventually typed: 'maybe Daisy was just curious to know what you were thinking?'. They hadn't talked about Daisy in so long she wasn't really comfortable in bringing it up, but she'd already hit send and it was already up on the screen. She stared at it for a few moments with baited breath, the ramifications of his possible reply only just hitting her: whether or not she had a crush on him, if he still liked Daisy she didn't even stand a chance. What was she even thinking? Daisy was so much better than her in almost every possible way... How could she even compare?

Waiting for his response was painful, and it seemed to take so long. And then when the typing alert came up it felt so sudden, and Claudia already dreaded his response. But it wasn't what she expected at all: 'I don't know how I feel about that'.

Gently biting her lip Claudia knew she had to ask, no matter how much the answer might hurt: 'Do you still like Daisy?'

There was another long pause, during which she realised that if she found it hard to talk about her own crush, maybe making Lloyd talk about his wasn't very fair. Still, he eventually replied: 'I haven't really thought about it in a while' he said after typing out and deleting a few other attempts. The same happened again, before he sent: 'I don't think I do. Not like that, anyway. She's still my friend'.

Staring long and hard at the screen Claudia could barely comprehend what he'd written. For so long it felt like that affection for Daisy would have a hold on him for the longest time, so to hear that it hadn't crossed his mind for some time... It was a strange relief, considering it didn't have much of a bearing on her unless Lloyd actually really did like her back, but for some reason she coldn't bring herself to believe it. He seemed way too cool and smart to like someone like her, and he went out with Daisy, of all people. Even if it was only for a week, that was still pretty impressive. It made his type pretty obvious.

This pause was particularly long, but just as he started typing again he was suddenly offline, and Claudia instinctively glanced towards the time in the bottom corner of the screen. It was twelve minutes past eight-- he'd been on twelve minutes too long, and ice cold dread sank through her when she remembered the last time that happened. Patting her pockets for her phone she leapt to her feet when she realised she'd left it upstairs to charge, and took the steps two at a time before throwing open the door to her room to find it as quickly as possible.

It was sitting innocently on the foot of her bed with the charging cable still plugged in, though that nearly came out completely when she snatched it up off the duvet and checked the screen. Nothing new yet, but she was too afraid to send a message in case his dad was there. If he was angry at Lloyd being on the computer for too long, there was no telling what he'd be like if Lloyd had a phone call right now.

A few tense minutes passed before her phone started ringing, and she nearly dropped it as she rushed to press the 'Accept Call' button when Lloyd's name came up on the screen. "Are you okay?" she asked instantly, not even realising how tightly she was clutching the front of her jacket right now.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Don't worry, I'm just-- my brother wanted the PC. Sorry for logging off so fast," he apologised, and she sat down on the floor against her bed with a heavy sigh.

"Fuck me..." she managed to mumble, and Lloyd apologised softly down the line. "No, you don't have to say sorry. I'm just really glad you're alright..."

"That's why I called. Didn't want you thinking the worst. It kind of happened anyway though," he ended with a sheepish chuckle. "Thanks."

"It's okay. You know I'm here for you when you need me, alright?"

"I know," he replied softly, and once again she could imagine him smiling as he said it. There was a brief silence between them; Claudia was just happy that he was alright, but then he mumbled her name and her ears pricked up. "Would you... I mean, I was just thinking..."

"What's up?" She tried to sound as casual as possible, but her heart was hammering away in her chest to the point it felt like it was audible down the phone.

He started saying something, but there was a sharp knock on her door that made her jump and nearly drop the phone, missing whatever it was he said. It was her dad asking if she was done on the computer, and though the conversation was short by the time she came back to the phone it seemed Lloyd had changed his mind on whatever it was he wanted to ask. "It's no big deal. Don't worry about it," he said instead with a quiet chuckle, and Claudia frowned as she sat back down on the corner of her bed.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, it's nothing. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" he said, and after a quick goodbye they both hung up. Sighing softly Claudia stared at the screen afterwards. Hopefully everything really was okay... For a second it sounded like he was going to... No, that was probably just wishful thinking already compounding on an already out of control crush. It was probably for the best that she just forgot about it.

--x--

Letting his phone fall onto the blanket next to his head Lloyd groaned as he ran his hands across his face. Holy shit, he was really about to just ask her out like that? Where did that courage come from all of a sudden, and where did it go just as quickly? Unbelieveable...!

His heart was still racing-- it felt almost like a warning when heavy knock came against the door on the other end of the line and it shocked him enough to quickly rethink what he wanted to do. He was in two minds about it: he really wanted to ask her, but he kept thinking back to what she'd said in the park back in April. She was still his friend before anything else, and the last thing he wanted to do was make her uncomfortable... But it really felt like she liked him back, too. He just wanted to try, just see how it might turn out, and if she didn't like it then... Well, that would suck. That would suck a lot. Would it even be possible to go back to being friends after something like that?

Ugh, thinking about all these situations weren't making him feel any better. He stared at the ceiling for a while in the growing darkness, doing his best to think of the most logical outcome without jumping to the worst conclusions. Whether she liked him or not, she didn't really seem to like anything physical. She didn't share food or drinks, she couldn't even stand sharing a cup with someone else; but then again, she used to be pretty uncomfortable with hugs, and she would share one of those with him almost every day now. He couldn't help but smile, thinking about her arms around his middle only this morning, squeezing so tightly. She didn't seem to mind sharing a straw with him either, which had been a shocking reveal last weekend at the cinema, even if she had to give it a quick wipe first.

Maybe, if she had a chance to get comfortable, she'd find she enjoyed doing other things? He wasn't about to push her out of her comfort zone just to find out, but even if they didn't go out maybe it was something that could help her feel better about it in the future? He kind of wanted to talk about that with her anyway now, regardless of wanting to ask her out, just out of general curiosity. But maybe that was a conversation too far...

Eventually he reached for his phone again and brought up Simon's number, sending off a quick message asking if he was free to talk. As much as Daisy was still his friend he wasn't really comfortable talking to her about this, and much to his luck Simon replied not long later. So Lloyd explained as best he could in as few words as possible, which eventually came down to: 'I really like Claudia. Do you think we could make it work?'. In some way he was hoping he could get someone outside of the situation to tell him what to do, tell him that taking the risk would be very much worth it or that trying to change anything now would absolutely destroy their friendship forever. He just wanted some clarity, because he definitely wasn't getting any from himself.

There was a buzz, and he opened Simon's response: 'The only way to know is to try. And in all honesty, I thought you were already together'.

'Wait what?'

'All the messaging and the looks you give each other were pretty obvious. You're saying you're not going out?'

Running a hand down his face Lloyd couldn't help but roll his eyes. 'I wouldn't be asking you this if we were'.

'Good point. Well is there any reason you aren't?'

Lloyd thought for a moment, brow furrowed. 'I don't want to make her uncomfortable, if you get me'.

'I don't get you. You seem pretty comfortable together already. Just ask her out'.

That wasn't the response he was expecting in the least bit.