The next day, I broke the news of my name change to my parents... which was more than awkward. How is one supposed to bring up a name change, even if it is relevant to whatever topic is at hand? "Oh hey Mom and Dad, could you pass the pancakes please? Oh, by the way, I've made this big life decision without any input from you. Can you pass the syrup too?" There were of course both very happy and I got the brunt of one of our trademarked squished-between-two-parents hugs. By lunch, my mom had already started on changing my name legally.

As it turned out, I was lucky not to have gotten my driver's license before now since I wouldn't have to go through lots of hoops to change it. And since I had never left the country I could also get a passport with the correct info more easily as well. Turns out that laziness can be helpful in certain situations. Officially the change wouldn't take place for a few months as there was a bunch legal hoops to jump through, including listing the change in a newspaper that only listed name changes and other government notices that nobody cared about.

The next week felt really slow. I had finished all my schoolwork for the semester, but all my friends still had over a month left. I didn't feel up to going back to work just yet, so I was left without much to do. I texted the gang regularly throughout the day to stay sane, especially Lily.

I was glad things were going well with her. The fact that she was just as into me as before, (if not a little more I couldn't help but notice), really kept my mood up. She stopped by after school most days and we'd talk while she worked through some homework. Before my transition, we had been... fairly intimate. And while I knew that I would get back to a place where I felt comfortable, I wanted to take things slow in that regard.

Of course, my mind couldn't help but drift off to Rachael whenever I talked about things like that with Lily. I didn't regret anything about what I'd done with her, and that only fed into my guilt. The fact that Lily had welcomed me back so quickly and completely when I had essentially... well... in most every sense, cheated on her, might have contributed to my wanting to take things slow.

I still kept in contact with Rachael and Sarah, but it was clear that without spending time face to face, we were drifting apart. It was sad to think about, but we unspokenly accepted it and did our best regardless. Naturally they were ecstatic about my decision on a name. I wouldn't describe myself as girly, but every time someone called me Amelia my heart skipped a beat and I felt ever slightly more comfortable with being (begrudging eye roll) feminine.

I visited Jordan on Wednesday to see how they were holding up. While they seemed happy and comfortable, and their parents were mostly accepting of them, they did make it clear that they weren’t ready to go back to school once it started in the spring. That left me feeling a bit empty, but I understood why they chose it.

As the week came to a close, we inched nearer and nearer to what would likely be my first public appearance: Halloween. Now... As a senior in high school, I was obviously too old (however much I wanted to) to go trick-or-treating. But, I went to an acquaintance's Halloween party every year. All four of us were always invited and everyone that attended was friends from school. I was naturally nervous of showing myself at such an event. At bare-minimum I figured I'd be answering the same five questions the whole night, but somehow the gang talked me into it.

I had also made it explicitly clear that whatever costume I wore was not going to have the word sexy attached as a qualifier, (ie. Sexy cheerleader, sexy cat, sexy Harry Potter, etc.). Although I was pretty sure sexy cheerleader and regular cheerleader were out of the question anyway. Lily had convinced me to go as C-3PO from Star Wars and that she would go as R2-D2. The irony of them colloquially being seen as a gay couple was not lost on me. As it turned out, the four of us had all settled on Star Wars costumes with Kai going as Lando Calrissian and Sadie dressed as a Storm Trooper.

I was kept in the dark on how my costume would turn out since Lily said she was working on it. When Halloween hit, Lily came over around 3:00 in her costume. I had to say that it looked pretty good. It was a dress with all the R2-D2 paneling and she had on forearm pads and shoe covers that matched. For me, she held up my yellow romper (She'd apparently snuck it out of my room) and done it up with all manor wires and the like. She also handed me some shiny gold lensless glasses and boots she'd spray painted gold. It felt like a bit much, but I didn't complain.

We drove over and parked the car outside the house. Lily was about to open her door but saw the open display of panic on my face. She settled back down and grabbed my hand.

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to," she said softly.

I looked at her forcing a smile. My insides were of course on fire. My logical mind said everything would be okay, but my emotional mind was screaming from all angles to abandon ship.

"I know. I want to, I just..." then I trailed off.

Lily's gaze moved up from my hand to meet my gaze.

"You're beautiful, and I know you can do it. All three of us will be here for you the entire time."

I took a deep breath and grasped her hand tight. Then I opened the door and walked out of the car towards the party. Every step took considerable effort, but Lily's hand found its way to mine and our fingers locked, giving me the final amount of energy I needed to open the door and walk inside.

Have you ever just built up a moment so much in your head, and once it actually happens nobody actually cares? That was me walking in. Nobody even seemed to notice our entrance in the slightest. I breathed a sigh of relief, but I knew it wouldn't last for long. As the two of us walked in and made our way towards the host I could already notice one or two sideways glances.

Ryan (whose party it was) was a charming 6' 2" ultimate player. I had never really known him super well, but we'd always been friendly (enough to be invited to his Halloween party every year) and occasionally I helped tutor him on physics. Lily took the lead.

"Hey, Ryan."

"Hey! Nice to see you two could make it. Lily, lovely as always." Then he turned to me and stuck an arm out clearly to initiate a bro hug. I accepted.

"How's it going Amelia?" he asked. My eyebrows raised ever so slightly. I hadn't told anyone besides the gang about my name change. I turned to Lily and she gave me a look that said, "Thank me later."

"It’s been alright," I responded back to Ryan.

"Good, it’s nice to have you back in town. My physics grades have been slipping in your absence," he said.

I laughed, he was good at breaking the ice.

"Well you two make yourselves at home, and come find me if you need anything."

We both thanked him and moved towards the drinks. Nerdy as I was, the people I associated with weren't the sort that would serve alcohol at a high school party. Part of me wished that there was some, to take the edge off.

I made myself a lemonade and sprite concoction and waved when I saw Sadie walk in.

"Aren't you a little short to be a Storm Trooper?" I asked her, teasing.

"Ha ha. You're fluent in over six million forms of communication right? How do you say 'fuck you' in Bochi?" she asked referencing a particularly obscure star wars line as she flipped me off. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find this guy named Kevin."

I let out scoff/laugh. Sadie frequented the dating apps, and apparently was meeting up with a guy here.

I turned around anticipating seeing Lily, but she must have walked over to talk to somebody else. Then I noticed this guy Sam walking over to me. He was known as the jerk of the nerds. He thought himself a real ladies man and was very upfront about who he had his eyes on. Unfortunately, his gaze seemed to be locked on me. Of course, I'd made the mistake of making eye contact which had given him the in that he was waiting for.

I pressed myself against the wall desperately looking for Sadie or Lily, but neither was to be found. He had crossed the room and was pretending to make a drink until he worked his way over to me.

"I've not seen you around before, I'm Sam." He stuck his hand out. I shook it weakly.

"I've been… uh gone for a while," I choked out awkwardly.

"It must have been a while because I think I'd remember a hottie like you around these parts." It took a lot of effort not to wince at his words. It was one thing when the Rachael or Lily had called me that. This was different, more harmful, to a goal, and less jovial.

"What's your name?" he asked.

Now I truly felt trapped. "Amelia." I was panicking hardcore. Part of me wanted to just bolt before he picked up on who I actually was.

"So, Amelia, how do you know Ryan?"

"I've known him for a while. Helped him with physics."

"You two aren't a thing are you?" he asked jokingly, knowing that Ryan was dating this girl Jesse. But fortunately, I realized that I now had an out.

"Actually I'm dating someone else right now," I responded confidently.

"Oh," his intentions were very clear, "Well it was nice to meet you. Hit me up if you wanna hang out sometime."

"Uh... sure." Like hell I would.

Just as he shuffled off, Lily darted up.

"Was that--?"

"Yes," I said before she could finish.

"And?" she said worriedly.

"He didn't recognize me, I told him I was dating somebody else."

"You are? Who? I'm dating this really cute girl myself, we should go on a double date sometime," she said with a completely straight face.

I snorted in laughter and rested my head on her shoulder. I noticed Kai walk up to the two of us.

"Was that--?" he started to ask.

"Yes," Lily and I replied in unison.

"Well tell me if I need to rough him up a bit," Kai said, only mostly joking.

The rest of the party seemed to progress pretty well. There were plenty of people who didn't recognize me at all, which I was fine with. About five people approached me asking if I was "related to that guy Isaac Baker". Those were some awkward conversations. Another couple of people happily walked up to me and started genuine conversations. They asked how I was, how things had been, what name I was going by. All in all, the evening was pleasant and thankfully a bit fun. I did see Sam give Lily and I really weird looks, and I could see him piece things together as disgust was written across his face. I made a mental note to avoid him even more than usual.

As the evening was drawing to a close, I noticed that there had been a girl who'd been low-key staring at me throughout the party. I knew her name was Megan, but that was about the extent of it. I was fairly sure she was on the tennis team with Lily, and I did seem to recall her having some big... thing a few years back. I couldn't really recall what it was, as she wasn't really on my radar. As I was getting ready to leave she walked up to me.

"Amelia right?" she asked nervously.

"Yes, you're Megan?" I asked back.

She nodded, "I heard what you've been through recently, and if you ever need anybody feel free to come and talk." It was like she was talking a mile a minute.

"Thanks," I said. Lily walked over to me, waved at Megan who was already backing away and asked me if I was ready to go.

We thanked Ryan for the invite and made our way back to Lily's car. As I was getting in I realized what I had forgotten about Megan and things started to make a little more sense.

Megan was trans.