“Get a room you too!” said somebody around me. I didn’t have the clarity of mind to register or care who.

 

Abby was making out with Shawn. Well not anymore. She looked extremely embarrassed. Admittedly they both did, and she pulled herself off him. She haphazardly straightened her shirt and brushed a bit of hair out of her face, but the damage was done.

 

And the damage was 100 points to my heart. Total K.O.

 

She just… kissed that asshole. But more importantly she kissed not me.

 

I moved straight for the door and closed it behind me, perhaps with a tad more force than I had meant to. However, it was too late to turn back and I walked over to my apartment on autopilot, not even turning on the lights when I walked in. I sat on my couch speechless and arguably breathless as when I did breathe it was deep, like I’d forgotten to breath up until that point.

 

Then there was a knock on my door.

 

“Zo!”

 

It was Abby. She didn’t want me. I didn’t want her.

 

“Zoe please. I don’t know why this made you upset but I’m sorry.”

 

You damn better be.

 

“Zoe, let me in.”

 

I just stayed there, sitting in the dark on my couch. Then I got a text.

 

Abby: You ok?

Zoe: …

Zoe: …

Abby: I can tell you saw this. Let me in. Why are you so upset?

Zoe: …

Abby: …

Abby: Well… let me know when you wanna talk I guess.

 

I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to just be non-present and not think. I fell asleep at some point.

 

~~~ The Next Day ~~~

 

A tapping noise, from what I assumed was birds, woke me up sore as hell from sleeping on the couch and with a bunch of unread texts. I tossed my phone away. I was still in a sleepy haze and could manage to push off my feelings for another few minutes if I didn’t look at anything.

 

I hated these feelings. I felt like a hypocrite. Abby spent our whole friendship pining after me and I didn’t give her the time of day. Then I catch feelings for her and I throw a whole hissy fit.

 

I groaned.

 

My phone pinged.

 

I groaned louder.

 

I got up to grab my phone and jumped back, probably screaming a little but I couldn’t tell.

 

Abby was standing outside my sliding screen door, waving. I guess it wasn’t birds that were doing the tapping.

 

I caught my breath and begrudgingly opened the door for her. She came in and we both sat down awkwardly staring at each other. I opened my mouth to say something, but didn’t know what I’d say.

 

“Zo… are you okay?”

 

I nodded. Why wouldn’t I be?

 

“I don’t believe you.”

 

Me neither.

 

“Can you please talk to me?”

 

Neither of us want that.

 

“I got sick from the alcohol last night and didn’t want to be a bother,” I finally responded.

 

Bullshit.

 

“Bullshit.”

 

At least we agreed on that.

 

“What the hell is wrong Zoe? Why are you acting this way? Is it because of Shawn?”

 

No.

 

“Yes.”

 

Well, it’s not not because of Shawn.

 

“I know he and you… rubbed the wrong way at first. And making out with him like that was… abrupt. But he’s really cool if you get to know him.”

 

“Seems like you got to know him pretty well.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean!?”

 

Uh oh. This was not how I meant for this to go. But to be fair, I hadn’t meant for this conversation to happen at all.

 

“Were you just standing there waiting for me to get up? Stalk much?”

 

“Zoe what the fuck is up with you?”

 

“I just…” Have the biggest crush on you that I’ve ever had on anyone and its clear you don’t feel the same and having never been in this situation I am unable to properly articulate my feelings right now. “…think something’s up with him. Something’s up with you.”

 

“Somethings up… with me? You storm out of my apartment and ghost me all night, I worry about you, and something is wrong with me!?”

 

“You… you’re different. You drink and you party and you’re all into makeup and clothes and you kissed a boy and I miss the old you. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

 

“I can’t help what I’m into. I feel like you of all people should understand that.”

 

“Why? Because I’m gay? I should automatically understand why my best friend is turning into dreamhouse barbie overnight?”

 

“Well I’m sorry that I’m getting a life outside of videogames and my one friend…”

 

We sat there in silence.

 

“You’re being a real piece of shit you know,” she said, staring me dead in the eye.

 

Yes. I know. I’m sorry.

 

We sat there in silence for a little longer and eventually she got up to leave.

 

“Abby— I…”

 

She stopped and looked back.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of that… I just. I’m adjusting. And there’s lots of… feelings, that are tied up into all this.”

 

“Then tell me. Please!”

 

But what will you do when you find out?

 

“I… can’t.”

 

She walked back, kneeling in front of me and looking me in the eye.

 

“Zo, you can tell me anything.”

 

No, I can’t.

 

“I will. Just… not right now okay. I don’t think I can say what I want to say properly yet and don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying it wrong.”

 

She looked at me for a moment. She just silently stared into my eyes and judged my statement.

 

“Okay.”

 

I was surprised. This was not what I thought would happen.

 

“Okay?” I asked for confirmation.

 

“Okay. You take your time. My transition might have been easy on me, but I can’t deny I’m… different, even if I try not to be. Take your time. Just… please let me know you’re okay next time.”

 

She reached out a hand and put it on mine. My heart soared, and then reality hit me and it crashed.

 

“Okay.”

 

She hugged me. Tight. I relished it. I had to start accepting that things were the way they were. This was how Abby was going to be and this was how I was going to feel, at least for a while. Maybe that would be okay.

 

We broke off from the hug, and I didn’t want another awkward silence so I started talking.

 

“Who won murder in the dark?”

 

Abby blushed. “We decided to play a game with the lights on after… you left.”

 

We chatted about the rest of the night and then just about random shit until I felt enough normalcy that Abby was comfortable leaving me alone.

 

It was at that point that I checked my phone.

 

Unknown #: Hey, its Shawn. Abby gave me your number. Just wanted to make sure you were okay and apologize for… yeah. Hope you’re good.

 

Damn. Maybe I had misjudged him. Or maybe he was an asshole, just a subtle one. If I was trying to look at Abby differently, maybe I should look at him differently too.

 

Jess: I hope you’re okay. We missed you last night. ❤️

 

Thanks Jess.

 

Unknown #: Hi. I don’t know if this is weird but it’s Lindsey. I got your number from Jess. Straights are the worst right? Anyways, I hope I wasn’t the reason you left last night. You seem really cool.

 

Thanks Jess… (That’s sarcasm.)

 

There was more.

 

Unknown #: Also, if this is weird just ignore it.

Unknown #: Ya, this is weird. Sorry. ?

Unknown #: Pretend I didn’t say anything.

Unknown #: Unless that makes it weirder.

Unknown #: You know what… just… whatever is the least weird. That’s what this was. The least weird.

Wow. This Lindsey girl really dug herself into a hole. I mean… I guess I also was just in a hole. Maybe the least I could do would be to dig her out.

 

Zoe: …

Zoe: Its cool. I’m weird so it all cancels itself out.

Unknown #: …

Zoe: But you’re right. Straights are the WORST.

Unknown #: Right! Its PDA shmeeDA to them

Zoe: Exactly!

Zoe: …

Unknown #: Hey, it might not be my place cause I just met you, but you are okay after last night right?

Zoe: …

Zoe: …

Zoe: Ya. I just had one too many I guess ?

Unknown #: lol, we all been there girl

Unknown # changed to “¿?Lindsey??”

 

Fucking straights trying to set up their only two gay friends. That never fucking works.