Three knocks. Five knocks. Ryan kept whamming his fist against the front door of his father’s house with a steady rhythm and no intent to stop.

I know he’s here. He’s never away this early on his day off, he uses the time to fix the house up.

It was on knock eleven he heard movement.

“Hold on, hold on!” His father sounded irritated through the door.

I should have told him I was stopping by, even if I didn’t say what for. Would have sped this part up.

When Ryan heard the familiar sound of his father’s boots approach the door, he almost hesitated. A flash of fear left him stunned as he realized what he was really doing. What he was finally doing. Then, the door swung open, and Ryan looked his father in the eye.

“Oh, it’s you.” He was wearing a brown shirt, covered in old paint stains. “Why didn’t you say you were comin’ over? I could have had you help me out!” He let out a hearty laugh.

Is this really the best time? Maybe we could– No! No, I’ve been over this a thousand times by now, what am I saying?

“I wanted to talk with you,” Ryan said as he clenched his fists by his side while an icy gale froze his bones. “It’s sort of serious, if you have the time.”

If he has the time? Ryan chastised himself. Why am I even giving him a chance to push this away?

His dad, who up until then had an almost playful smile on his face, nodded and stepped back. “Yeah, alright. Come in, then. It’s hell out there.”

Ryan was grateful that he wouldn’t have to say all that was on his mind while facing the brunt of winter, and walked into his old house. He closed the door behind him and started to tap his boots on the tiled entryway when he realized he was getting too comfortable.

If I take off my boots, my coat, and go sit and start helping him paint or watch football… It’ll be over. I can’t let that happen. Which means…

“I spoke with Heather.” He watched his father’s eyes closely. Would he react with shock? Disgust? The way he responded would tell him all he needed to know. It would be the shove he needed.

At first, his father squinted, ever so slightly, and opened his mouth to speak, though he closed it after only a second. Then, he sighed.

“Alright, well… Is she– How is she?” His face strained to look compassionate, when Ryan could tell he was more uncomfortable than he was concerned.

“Really great, actually. At least she is now.” Ryan could feel it coming. The tragic reality that he was right all along, and that his dad wouldn’t magically become accepting when confronted. He had to keep pushing. “She’s living with her girlfriend.”

His father grunted, and glanced to the side. “Wouldn’t call that great, would you?”

Ah, yeah. There it is. Damn it, Dad, why couldn’t you be better. Why are you fucking like this, what is wrong with you, why does–

Ryan braked his thoughts. Again, he had been over it all before. He knew what the answer was, and he reminded himself that the time for stalling had passed.

Don’t forget, he’s a coward. I am too, but… This is me abandoning that.

“I would.” Ryan spoke without a hint of leniency. “After what our family did, how we treated her, I’d say it’s great that she’s managing to be happy now. I’d call it amazing.”

“Ah, come on, Ryan.” His dad took a step away, further into the house. “What did you want to talk about?”

“That is what I wanted to talk about.” Ryan stayed where he was, refusing to follow. “I wanted to know why you thought… I wanted to let you know that I think what you did was awful.”

The air around him expanded, screaming at him. A tight tension pulled at his skin and pressed on his lungs. His entire life, his family that he still loved for some reason, was attached to him by a single thread that he was threatening to sever.

Before his father could speak, Ryan continued. “You should be so ashamed at what you did, how you treated a member of our family. What happened to us loving each other? What do you think love is? How lonely do you think she felt when we decided that she didn’t deserve to be in the family anymore? What was even the point, who did it help?”

To Ryan’s surprise, his father didn’t look angry. Just annoyed. Like he didn’t realize what Ryan was about to say next.

“Ryan, I–” His dad threw his hands up by his shoulders in fake-defeat. “You act like that was my call to make. Heather’s the one who stopped talking to the family. Besides, she’s your Aunt Steph’s kid, how was it on me to–”

“And what?” Ryan’s voice was almost a growl, which he immediately eased up on. “She said you couldn’t reach out to Heather? See if she’s okay? Aunt Steph forced the whole family to shun her? You could have done something if you wanted. Everyone could have.”

“Well if she missed us so damn much, why didn’t she say anything?” His father’s voice had officially been raised, only a step or two away from a full-blown yell.

Ryan matched his volume. “Think about it for one second! We practically forced her to cut us off, how can you blame her for that? When every conversation with your family becomes them challenging you, trying to tell you to be different, going so far as to send her to a conversion camp, I mean Christ, when you chase someone away you don’t get to ask why they aren’t coming back!”

For a moment, his father just looked dumbstruck by the conversation, unable to believe what his son was saying. And Ryan knew the worst was yet to come.

“When you want to live that type of lifestyle, you have to be prepared for your family to try and help.” His father stepped closer to Ryan. “If we just stood by and let her live like that, then–”

“Do you hear yourself?!” Ryan laughed from sheer exasperation, though he found no joy in it. “What awful thing would have happened if we had shown her love, or compassion, or even the barest understanding? What would have been so bad about that?”

“Ryan, you know how those people are, how that community can be, the LGBT stuff, it ruins lives.”

“There’s a girl I like.” Ryan felt cold as he ignored his father’s words and started what he knew was the end. “We’ve gone on a few dates. My roommate, Dani. She’s been transitioning for a bit now.”

“That’s not funny,” his father said. “I’m trying to explain–”

“I’m not joking.” Ryan swallowed. “She’s funny and cute, and I want to try and have something real with her. I want to get to know her even more, and I want to spend more time with her, and I want to hold her, and I don’t want you to get in the way of that. I don’t want to have you in my ear telling me how much of a mistake you think I’m making. I don’t want you to hurt her.”

There we go. I did it, I stopped being a coward. Dad would be proud, if he wasn’t the one I had to stand up to.

“What has gotten into you?” His dad was quieter than before, but seemed infinitely angrier. “What, you’re some faggot now? I know you, that’s not you! See what I mean? Talking with Heather has you all fucked up. This is why we didn’t bother reaching out to her!”

“Yup.” Ryan shrugged. “Go ahead, throw me away now, just like you did with her. Show us that our family's love is so strong that it can handle anything, so long as you prune certain people off! I’d rather Heather be my only family than to sit around and buy into this bullshit lie you all tell yourselves.”

He wondered if that was it. If he could leave now. He almost turned for the doorknob when his father began to yell.

“Will you quit being so goddamn selfish!” His voice was louder than he had heard it in a decade. Even during football he would never scream like that. His face was red, Ryan swore he could see tears at the corners of his eyes. “You’re my son, I’m not gonna toss you aside! You’re only saying all this because you started living with those two sissies. I told you they seemed too soft, and now look at the shit you’re saying. I didn’t work my ass off raising you, teaching you what was right, how to be a good man, so you could do all this to me.” His rant slowed down, and his voice eased up.

Ryan waited patiently to see where he was going.

“Maybe you should move back here for a little while until this whole thing passes by. I won’t charge ya, just help out around the house. You’re a good kid, Ryan, you’re just getting caught up in all this mayhem, it’s confusing you.”

Huh. So this really is it.

Ryan was surprised at how little his father’s guilt trip had affected him.

“Dad, I appreciate all that you did for me growing up.” He stared his father in the eye, calm as he could. “I really do. I appreciate your advice, and I take most of it straight to heart. I know somewhere in there is a good man, and I still love you, I want you to know that. I hope one day you’ll love me again. But right now, you’re not acting like a good father. You’re acting like a child. You’re afraid to let me live in a way you don’t understand. You’re a coward.”

“Watch your mouth!” His father pointed a finger at Ryan.

“It’s true.” Ryan couldn’t believe he was able to maintain his composure. Whenever he had pictured this moment in his head, he was struggling to speak through tears, but there he was, eyes dry as they could be. “And hey, I was a coward too. I probably still am in a lot of ways, it’s nothing you can’t overcome. I’m sure you can figure out how to be brave someday, if you ever try.”

“I said to watch your fucking mouth.” His dad got closer, which only made his red face more obvious, and his enraged voice even louder in Ryan’s ears. “Get the hell out of here. You wanna go be a fag, fine, but don’t try and insult me in my own home. Don’t put this on me, Ryan. This is your choice. Get out, now.”

Ryan nodded and opened the door, the warmth of his father’s house fading fast in the wind. “Yup. See ya.”

The door slammed shut behind him as Ryan marched through the snow and back to his car. He got in and turned it on as soon as he could to defrost his face and the trace amounts of ice already growing on his windshield.

Is that actually it?

He focused on the humming of his engine, and the howling of the wind. Droning noises that let him unwind after the uncomfortable tension.

Why did that feel easier than I was expecting?

While he warmed up, he got out his phone and texted Dani. Just a simple message that he was on his way home, and he would see her soon.

Next step is begging her to forgive me for the last two days. Hopefully I didn’t upset her too much.

When his car was finally heated, Ryan looked up at his father’s house one last time.

Bye, old man. This really could be… The last time…

He put his hands to his eyes as soon as the tears flooded them. They ran freely down his face, and he made no attempts to stifle his sobbing.

I knew it would all happen this way. I prepared myself. Why did I still hope he would say something differently? Why did I hope I could change his mind?

For reasons he didn’t understand, Ryan let his tears flow. He sat in his car for as long as it took for them to end. All he did was sit, and listen to himself cry. And then, when they finally did stop, he smiled. He wasn’t expecting it, but he felt relieved. He was proud of himself and what he had done. He was optimistic for what might come next. He had already done the impossible.

His phone beeped, and he read the incoming text from Dani.

It was a single smiley face.

I’ve stayed here long enough. I should probably tell her, and Simon I guess, what the fuck I’ve been doing.

He cleared his throat, sniffled his nose clean, and set off to home.