French fry grease and car exhaust blew through the vents while Rachel watched snow drift off of the vehicles in front of them. The radio was playing an old pop song Rachel remembered making fun of in high school, though at the moment she couldn’t help but hum along in nostalgia. Dani was next to her in the driver’s seat, making good use of the time they had to wait for their food.

“It’s weird, right?” Dani asked, though she continued talking without waiting for an answer. “I’ve caught him staring at me like five times since I came out. Does my makeup look weird or something?”

Rachel knew that was her cue to reassure her. “No, not at all! You’re honestly like a natural at makeup, you’re already better than me, I swear.”

She knew that would lead to Dani reassuring her back and leaving both of them feeling confident in themselves without really getting toward any real solution for the issue. A guy Dani worked with, Chris, had been giving her weird looks and overall weird vibes recently, and while Rachel had a few ideas, she wasn’t sure what was appropriate to say.

He might just not like trans people, as harsh as it sounds. That would be awful for Dani to deal with, but it’s possible. Would it be offensive to say something like that to her? She must have had the idea pass her mind before, right?

“Please, you’re still a hundred times better than me at eyeliner alone,” Dani said.

Rachel smiled, happy that she was able to predict the entire conversation so far. It was nice to get into a familiar rhythm when talking with a friend. “Maybe he thinks you’re cute, did you ever consider that?”

She decided against saying what she really thought. Besides, this was a safer suggestion than calling her co-worker a transphobe, and could be another confidence boost for her friend to hear. And for all I know, it’s true. She’s already cuter than me…

Dani let out a half-chuckle, half-wince at the idea. “I really doubt that. The looks he gives aren’t exactly warm or welcoming. It’s not the way Ryan will look at me sometimes around the apartment.”

“Oh?” Rachel couldn’t miss out on the chance to learn more about Dani and Ryan’s relationship. She had known Ryan for a few years and was a little surprised when she heard he was interested in Dani. “And how does he look at you?” She leaned toward her friend with a childish grin.

“I mean–” Dani blushed and tapped her fingers on the steering wheel. The drive-thru line hadn’t budged in nearly five minutes, leaving no escape in sight. “I don’t know what to call it. It’s a look! He has a certain way his face gets sometimes, and almost always when I see that look he ends up… getting physical.”

“Woah!” Rachel said with exaggerated surprise.

“Not anything insane!” Dani held up her hands in defense. “Just that he’ll pull me into him for a hug, or we’ll cuddle on the couch maybe.” Her face was a stunning bright pink, and her hands were now gripping the steering wheel while her knuckles turned white. “Let’s talk about something else. You got a new job, right?”

“Ugh, do we have to?” Rachel’s smile faded and she sank back into her seat. “I’d hardly consider DoorDash a job. It’s just to help pay off my car while I look for something better. All the holiday rush positions everywhere are filled so I’m out of luck until January.”

“Is it at least fun driving around town and discovering new places to eat?” Dani asked with nothing but innocence.

She’s so cute. As if anyone delivering food isn’t just picking the five most popular restaurants in town already.

Rachel sighed. “Nothing fun has happened yet, sorry to say.”

“Well you just started.” Dani’s face had returned to its usual pale and freckly self and her grasp on the wheel had loosened. “Maybe you’ll start enjoying it more soon?”

“Maybe.” As Rachel spoke, the car in front of them pulled ahead, letting Dani move them up and one space close to the window where their food awaited. “Let’s get back to talking about you and Ryan, I need to hear about something positive again.”

Dani took a sharp breath and nibbled at her lip. “Well it’s not all positive, you know. I told you about Halloween, right?”

“Yeah, duh, it’s the whole reason we hang out.”

“Right.” Dani stared ahead at the silver truck in front of them. “Well like, at my birthday dinner the other day. It was really nice, his gifts were cute and thoughtful, but the entire time we were eating he kept looking at his phone. And he was so hard to talk to! It was like when we first moved in and didn’t know how to get along. We’re supposed to be dating for God’s sake!”

“Did he say what was up?” Rachel looked at her friend intently while she messed around with the seat adjustment, sick of her head rubbing against the roof of the car whenever she sat up straight.

Dani shook her head. “I tried to ask but he said it was a sports bet thingy. I know he and Elliot gamble all the time but I think he was lying. He seemed super out of it. And maybe I’m a bitch or whatever, but I think he could ignore a stupid sports bet on my birthday of all days.”

“Definitely, that’s so lame of him.” Her hand finally found the correct handle to slide the seat down and back, giving her more space to exist in peace. “I remember Simon was like that ALL the time. Most dates he would look at his phone more than me.”

“It was that bad?” Dani asked. “I noticed him being weird near the end of things with you guys, but was it always like that?”

Rachel laughed. “Yeah, it really was. From day one it felt like he didn’t want much to do with me, but I thought he was cute, and he never really pushed back, so I…”

She stopped laughing.

So I forced the whole relationship. And I have no one else to really blame. Rachel had known that fact all along, but almost saying it out loud made it hurt more.

Dani thankfully didn’t force her to continue her sentence, and the two sat and listened to the radio until they could at long last pull up to the window and get their cheap, greasy food.

Simon was never a good boyfriend, but I’m the one that latched on to him in the first place. If that’s just who he is then we weren’t a good match. I can’t blame him, right? Either one of us could have ended things at any point.

Rachel tried to stay alert and not give away that she was trapped in her own head as Dani handed her the brown paper bag with their meals and held it in her lap.

I was never a great girlfriend either, was I? Didn’t I use him? She remembered how confident she felt when she was around him. How she cared less what strangers thought when they looked at her. He acted as a shield for all of her self-doubt.

I wanted to feel feminine beside him. I wanted to disprove all the things I hated about myself in high school. He’s just some dumb guy who probably wanted to enjoy himself at parties without me dragging him into my own problems and–

“Your place or mine?” Dani asked as they approached the main road. “Your place is closer but I don’t want to invite myself or anything.”

“Could we do your place?” Rachel hoped Dani wouldn’t mind their food getting a little colder. “My place has a heating problem and it’s freezing.”

Dani flipped the turn signal left to indicate she was on board. “Oh, sure. That sucks. And awful timing with the weather changing.”

“Don’t worry, I just wrap myself in a ton of blankets and it’s fine.”

Rachel was lying. Her heating worked, but she wanted to avoid her own place for the time being. With her mind as jumbled up and confused as it was, she knew she would be tempted to get high and distract herself.

He isn’t the reason I hate myself. I need to let it go if I want to overcome this. Is that it?

She unfolded the paper bag and pulled out a hot, oily fry, hoping it would help ease her stress for the time being.