The television’s humming fell on deaf ears. Ryan was cooling down after a shower, his hair still damp and flattened against his head. He wanted to watch the movie he had found, an action flick that Elliot recommended, but exhaustion was winning out.

I shouldn’t have gone so hard at the gym. I used to be great at pacing myself, what happened?

While Dani’s gym visits had stopped since the two had started dating, Ryan continued to use them to release all of the tension that had been piling up non-stop in the latter half of the year. When work was annoying, he would work out. When he gambled away too much money, nothing patched up the pain better than exercise. When his father’s voice was too loud in his head, calling him a failure and disowning him? Lifting weights also lifted his spirits and blocked it all out.

I’ve felt pretty good the last few days. Ever since reconnecting with Heather, things have been good! I must have just lost track of myself.

Sore muscles sank him further into the couch until he had to crane his neck forward to not set his wet mop of hair against the soft backing. Simon had already yelled at him for it enough times for him to risk it.

When he finally allowed himself to close his eyes, the front door opened. He couldn’t tell if he had fallen asleep or not, and the lack of attention he paid to the movie offered him no clues. All he knew was enough time had passed that Dani was home.

“Hey!” She sounded cheerful, a rare sight when she got off of a shift. “Who’s home right now? Something crazy happened today, it was so insane, I have to talk about it.”

Ryan stretched his arms, ignoring their cries of pain. “Crazy? Like someone got an extra big coffee?”

Dani puffed an amused bit of air from her nose and joined him on the couch. She sat close to him, almost leaning against him, though she backed up when she noticed his hair was wet. “So remember how I was worried about Chris? The guy who kept staring at me?”

“Did he do something?” Ryan tensed up before remembering her tone was cheerful and her story was unlikely to be something serious.

“No! Well, kinda? I thought he was going to, but I guess he was just nervous and a little awkward. You’d think I of all people would have been able to pick up on that.” She waved her hands around as she spoke, effortlessly conveying her surprise and relief through simple gestures, even flipping some of her coppery hair out of her face as she did. The movements mesmerized Ryan, making it hard for him to hear what she said. “Anyway, he asked me about my transition today, and how I knew I was trans and all that stuff. It’s wild how used to that I am by now. And basically–!” She stopped her movements and looked Ryan right in the eyes, forcing him out of his trance. “He has apparently been thinking about transitioning himself. Or, themself? He said it was just something he felt he needed to explore more so I guess I shouldn’t jump the gun on any pronouns. But yeah! What are the odds of that?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Rare?” Ryan was glad that the situation wasn’t anything to worry about, as Dani had made him fear when she mentioned her co-worker before. “That’s good for Chris, though. Maybe you can help – er, them? Is that what you said? – Maybe you can help them out with things.”

“Maybe,” Dani said. She sighed and allowed herself to fully lean into Ryan’s arm. “I don’t know, I’m not exactly an expert on this myself. And who knows, maybe Chris won’t go through with anything. Sometimes coming out means losing loved ones. Not everyone can afford to be shunned by their family.” Her voice grew softer with her last point.

Ryan was torn. He wanted to comfort her, as she was clearly thinking of her own lost family. And yet he felt a mourning for his own. His father. His aunts and uncles and non-Heather cousins. Can I afford that? Can I actually pull the trigger?

In an effort to not return to that train of thought, he decided he needed to console his dejected girlfriend.

“I think it took a lot of strength to do what you did.” He squeezed his arm between her back and the couch behind them, and laid his hand on her shoulder. “You had to do what a lot of people aren’t willing to… But you’re here now and you seem so happy, so it must have been the best choice, right?” His question rang less rhetorically than he had intended.

Dani looked up at Ryan and giggled. “I think so, yeah. Every day it seems more and more like I’m becoming the person I was always supposed to be.” She got closer, running the tip of her nose up his neck and far enough to give his cheek a gentle kiss. “Thank you,” she whispered.

Electricity ran from the spot where her lips touched, all throughout his body. His aching limbs felt refreshed and his tired, drooping eyes sprang to life.

“I see it too, you know.” He moved his hand from her shoulder to the top of her head, giving her hair tender strokes. “Every single day you seem happier, and cuter, and more and more someone I want to be around all the time.”

She sat up, and grinned at him. “Really?” Without waiting for an answer, she scooted forward, her knees going up over Ryan’s thigh, and with her hands planted on the back of the couch and Ryan’s leg, she leaned into him. “Do you wanna, maybe… Do something fun?”

Yes. Yes I do.

Ryan felt the first crack in his mind. A small comment by his father he heard when he was little.

No, not this time. You don’t have any say here anymore, I’m going to choose her over you!

He met Dani’s lips with a kiss when the next fissure hit. This time a memory of his father yelling obscenities at his car radio’s news broadcast. Something about gay marriage gaining traction.

I don’t care what you think! Stop trying, it’s pointless now.

The third memory was the one that gave him pause and made him pull out of the kiss. Thinking of a future without his father at all. No watching sports together, no sitting outside and drinking a beer while they talked about nothing, no calling him for advice, no more chances to make him proud at whatever he may accomplish. It was the future he just swore he would live in.

He finally realized his position. Deep down, he had still convinced himself that the perfect decision could be made. That he could date Dani and not have to lose his family; he could have it all.

At last he knew with all his being that it was impossible. If his family was around, his father’s voice would never leave his head. Dani could get caught in the middle and hurt. No happy ending would be in sight.

If he chose Dani, he could live a more authentic life. The two of them made each other happy, but what about everything else? Neither of them would have a family. He would feel a void where the love for his father had once been, even if he hated parts of him. And Dani was already struggling with her parents abandoning her, would it be worse if she had to watch Ryan experience the same thing?

But if he chose his family, he would hate himself. He could coast through life, keep his connection with his dad and everyone else. Even Heather said she wouldn’t hold it against him! And yet it would all be hollow. He would have to admit that he’s a coward, that he’s weak, and that he’s just as bad as the people he chose.

Why, why, why does it have to be like this! I want to pick Dani over them, it should be easy! But I’m not moving. I don’t know when I would even confront my dad and cut ties, or tell him off, or whatever dumb fantasy I have. I don’t even know if I could…

Heather’s words rang out for a change, though he didn’t like them much more than his father’s. Her blunt reminder that if he hurt Dani, she wouldn’t forgive him. In fact, it might make him worse than his family, as he at least knew better.

Then… I have to stop this. I can’t keep leading her on, making it all worse. I shouldn’t have let it get this far, I should have taken Halloween as the obvious sign that I’m not capable of this.

Ryan’s quiet stirrings as Dani tried to keep the mood alive eventually bored her. “I’m gonna make some tea, do you want some?” She stood up from the couch, seeming slightly annoyed that their fun died out so soon.

“Oh, no thanks.” Ryan stood up as well. “In fact, I should go to bed, I think. I overdid it at the gym today and feel like I’m going to pass out any second now.” He tried to laugh to hide his nerves. “Goodnight!” He walked to his room where he hoped Simon wouldn’t be too chatty.

Halfway down the hallway, Dani called out. “Um, alright! Hope you feel better tomorrow! We can chat more once you’re well rested!”

“Yeah, for sure!” He swallowed and grasped the doorknob as soon as it came within reach. “Night, Danielle!”

“Night?” Her confusion from his strange choice to use her full name was apparent.

He didn’t care, and shut the door tight as soon as he slipped through. Thankfully Simon was at his desk watching YouTube with headphones on and was unlikely to talk, or even notice that Ryan had entered.

Whatever, I just… I have to figure out how to tell her, now. That’s it. She might understand! She might be grateful that I’m not going to expose her to my awful family. It’s all for the best… Right?