Sally POV
Ughh…
I was tired. Both my legs and my ears were burning themselves in protest. The class might have been easier for the body, but memorizing all that information had overloaded my brain.
“That is all for today, class. Recruits, you are dismissed.”
Here we go again. Stand up, legs glued together, hands to the side, neck stretched. Aaaaand hold it until the Officer leaves.
“Haaaa.”
I was tired.
“Time to go, Silly. You look like a wet dog; do you want me to drag you back to your bed?”
It was Amy who spoke. She knew very well that she couldn’t do that.
“Shut up. Your legs are already shaking, and you claim that you can drag me? Go ask Colin to carry you, hey who knows, maybe you will luck out and he will grab you by the pussy, again.”
She was a good girl, and even a better soldier. Her only flaw was her insatiable lust.
We managed to get back to the barracks in time, before lights out. Drill Sergeant was going to bitch if we didn’t do our nightly chores; if we didn’t wash the boots, fold the uniforms and clean the sticks.
Not a moment sooner than when I was done, she made her way inside. Someone had screwed up. She was smiling. Her face had a smile only when she was about to berate us.
“Attention recruits!”
We were already at our positions, near our bunks. Her constant visits had made us stop loitering around when not necessary, as we had to take our positions in seconds after she made her presence known.
A routine inspection later, her smile vanished, replaced with her neutral face.
“Recruits, listen up! Tomorrow, we will have guests who will introduce your real weapons, instead of the replicas you have. I want all of you to show you best side to them, understood?”
“Yes, Sir!”
“UNDERSTOOD?!”
“YES, SIR!”
Great. I could do without the sore throat, thank you very much. But who could the guests be? My bet would be either on Milan, or perhaps, even Mary herself. But I didn’t have the chance to think anymore, as Sergeant Auda’s smile had returned.
“You there, Recruit Molly. Tell me, what did I say when I gave you the replica weapons?”
“Not to lose them, Sir!”
Her exact words had been ‘I’ll rip your ears off if I see it more than a meter away from you!’.
“You are correct, recruit. Everyone, take out your rifles and hold them above your heads!”
Ah shit. Someone had lost her weapon, and the Sergeant had replaced it when we were in the class. This wasn’t the first time it happened. She was going to make us hold it up for half an hour, at best. If anyone let it go before that, everyone else had to do double. It was one thing to hold the 5 kilogram stick for a short while, but your arms burned to hell after 10 minutes.
I reached down to take my rifle, which was near my vest under the bed.
“Now, recruits! If you all know that, WHY THE FUCK DID I FIND ONE OF THEM AT THE TRAINING GROUND?!”
Wait. Did Colin have his weapon after that swimming stunt of our..? Or actually, did I have mine..? I remember putting my vest under the bed, but not the stick…
Fuck!
. . . . .
I managed to fall asleep instantly for the second time since joining the military, both times due to exhaustion. It was a blissful way to go to sleep. No squirming in bed for hours, no useless thoughts about the past and no worries about the future. Just a peaceful sleep as soon as my head hit the bed. Oh, how I wish that I could continue that sleep.
“Cough! Cough!”
I don’t know what woke me up. It could be the rising heat, smoke filling the room and making my eyes watery, or, perhaps the fucking FIRE woke me up.
The room was on fire!
Shit! Shit!
I jumped out of my bunk in panic, or at least tried to.
“Ow! Shiiiiit!”
Things got even foggier after my head kissed the wooden bottom of the upper bunk bed. Heat was starting to burn my lungs, and the smoke made me unable to see more than a meter away with my teary eyes.
I managed to stumble out of the room in a dazed state, barely able to find the door. I threw myself out through the open door, only to find an angry Auda staring at me. I had no sense to give a shit about her, as I was busy coughing my lungs out, on the ground. I only managed to gather myself when I heard the Drill Sergeant bark her orders.
“That’s all of them, put the fires out!”
She was shouting at workers, whom I hadn’t noticed before, as they had been hiding behind the walls of the barracks.
The fuck..? How did they arrive this fast?
“LINE UP, RECRUITS!”
All 28 of us, all half dressed or naked, lined up while we watched workers put out bonfires that was lit below the windows. They also dismantled couple of smoke traps that was placed above the fires, redirected smoke into the room.
“Disgraceful, you idiots! I had expected better of you! All of you know that the walls, floor and even the roof are made out of concrete, yet all of you panicked! Not one of you stopped to think, or analyze the situation! Also, was yesterday’s punishment not enough for you lot?! What did you tell me yesterday, Recruit Molly? REPEAT IT!”
“Y-You told us n-not to lose them, sir.”
Fuck. She was right.
“Then tell me, recruits, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR WEAPONS?! If this was a battlefield, and had an enemy spy burned down your tents, all of you would be DEAD! I don’t give a shit whether you are sleeping, crying or fucking, YOUR. WEAPONS. HAS. TO. BE. ON. YOU! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!
“YES, SIR!”
“Good. Get back in, and put on your gear. You lot are skipping breakfast! You are all to march until Lunch time. UNDERSTOOD?”
“YES, SIR!”
This bitch! It wasn’t even morning yet!
. . . . .
“As I was saying, leather is to be used only on the outside of the boots. No kind of cheap leather is both durable and comfortable as cotton to be used inside. Now, if you have money to spend, of course, the best would be...”
We were both Tier 2, but how did this idiot still have energy to keep yapping his mouth? Shit. I was too tired to even retort. It was another girl who did it for me, after swallowing a piece of her lunch.
“Shut up, Colin. No one is interested in your nonsense. Look, even Amy is about to close her eyes.”
“Oh, fuck off.”
At least the Sergeant hadn’t been completely heartless; she had given us another hour of rest. Not that it would do much for my destroyed soles.
I took a long cold shower after eating. Thankfully it wasn’t crowded in there, as almost everyone had opted for another bout of sleep. By the time I dried my hair properly, it was time to gather.
Drill Sergeant Auda marched us towards a new area, towards the northern part of the camp. There was a concrete shed, with a lock on it on the path. Once there, she had us line up and stand in attention, before joining the right side of the line. We only had to wait a minute or two before the ‘guests’ that she had mention yesterday arrived. I knew 2 of them very well, and I had heard a lot about the last one, yet it was our first time meeting him. They were, starting from the left, Lieutenant Reba, the human- Lloyd, and Galdwin.
He had mentioned that he would be here, at the introduction of the weapon. Galdwin was looking charming as ever.
They reached us and stood in front of the line, and not a second after, Auda approached them with a salute. She gave a nod towards Galdwin and Reba, before giving a respectful bow to Lloyd.
“Greetings, Sire. These are all the recruits that we have been training. I can vouch for each and every of them that they won’t disappoint you.”
“Thank you, Auda, I have no doubts that will fulfill their duties well. Now, Recruits, have you been training well? Has it been hard on you?”
“THANK YOU, SIR! NO, SIR!”
Auda breaking the protocol, and addressing him as anything but ‘Sir’ meant that he was not in the military. Yet, she had shown more respect towards him, than to the Lieutenant.
“Before we start the demonstration and tests of the firearms, there is one more thing I have to explain.”
Officer Reba was the one to talk, and she continued to do so, while holding 3 little bars for us to see. First one was pure red, with a yellow dot in the middle. Second one was also red, but it had a green line going through it. The third and the last one was same, but with 2 lines.
“Recruits, as I taught you yesterday, a soldier can be stuck at the rank of corporal for years, or one could jump ranks due to their strength. Yet, one can’t earn these, marks, without proving himself. This first one is given to those who pass the boot camp. Second one is called ‘Sharpshooter’ and it is given to those who can hit a target size of a hand, four out of five times at 400 meters. And the last one is ‘Sharpshooter II’, and given to whoever can hit the same target four out of five times at 700 meters.
Whether you can fulfill special roles will depend on the marks you have, and ranking up will become easier if you have more of them. And don’t forget that a soldier will demand more respect if he has more, even if his rank is lower. That is all.”
With that, she fell back next to Lloyd, who spoke.
“Alright, Recruits. It’s time for the Lieutenant to introduce the weapon to you. After that, you will have a chance to use it yourselves.”
It was not Lieutenant Reba who stood up, but Galdwin.
“This is what you all will use in the future. It is called MR1, and it weighs at 6 and a half kilos unloaded, so it is a bit heavier than the replicas that you have been using to date. It is a semi-automatic rifle with internal magazine, and it can hold 6 bullets at a time, 5 at the magazine, 1 in the chamber. Loaded, it will weigh 9.5 kilograms…”
He kept talking, but I couldn’t hear it anymore in my surprise. Galdwin was a Lieutenant? And the badge on his shoulders was golden, unlike Reba’s silver ones. But didn’t she say that one needs to be a Tier 3 for that..?
These are the critiques, hopefully helpful. The things I love about the MC and story are more numerous. If the author cares, I'm happy provide details, rather than simply state "kudos" "great chapter" as well.
(1) Too may POV switches: Lots of people don't like them, at all. Personally, I don't like them. I don't find they add much depth to the story that couldn't as easily been told from the perspective of the main character. The problem with them is that I will never care as much for the perspective of these side characters as the main character and, often (as is the case with the princess), I actively dislike some of the characters whose POV you are showing. Also, I want to like the main character and know more about his story, and feel like most of these chapters fail to do that.
(2) AI Underutilized: Classic case of failing to fire Chekov's gun. You introduce a cutting edge, borderline illegal, AI... emphasize what a big deal it is. Make it a speaking character. Then, after the crash, have done nothing with it aside from essentially allowing it to fire a gun, pilot drones, and open or close doors; none of this requires an AI. Didn't you say that Lloyd was plagued by being unable to provide technical guidance and lead? I'd be shocked to discover that there wasn't an equivalent to a radio or iPad on the ship. Set it up in town, give it restrictions, give it objectives, and free yourself up to do other things... AIs would make excellent technical advisors. Their ability to be good at that is what would make than an AI and not merely a sophisticated drone management system or doorman.
(3) ... like MAGIC?!! What the heck author! A spaceman lands on a planet, flooding his body with mana in the process, and he basically stops doing anything to follow up on this aside from a couple days of calisthenics to make his body a little more robust?!!! You haven't said anything about him trying to find out how to further cultivate his strength (sure, the AI can do some scans, but why not ask the EXPERTS who moved nextdoor, one of whom is a VERY POWERFUL MAGE! ... Why is this urgent, why not wait, you ask? Well, the first introduction he had to magic was some lowly peasant who had the ability to manipulate his very soul; I don't know about you, but when somebody manipulates my soul, I ask myself, "How might I prevent someone from manipulating my soul; perhaps figure out how to defend or weaponize myself with this new-fangled magic stuff!" Stop giving away chemistry books and Tier-4 wyvern cores of incredible value, and trade for some magical tomes, or lessons, or something. (See point 5 below.)
(4) Sexy elves: You describe them. You bring them in. You have them look at him lustily. His AI says that they are biologically compatible. You describe their culture as "free love" and even explain how powerful individuals (our MC), especially ones whom elves are indebted to (two female elves come to mind), are entitled to be "serviced"; failing to do so is borderline insulting even... and ... nope, the dumb human acts like a monk for months while playing "make cement" and "train an army". We know the MC will be planetbound for the most of his remaining lifespan, or at least until he can uplift a civilization. Sure, he may not know that the elves are good to go, but Lloyd hasn't even inquired or asked a cute elf over for dinner with some soft instrumental music... maybe sit down and translate dialogue as Aragorn romances Arwen in the Lord of the Rings movie... mind-blowing on multiple levels for an elf girl, right?!!! (Movies? Elves on your world? No?... then... how... fiction... wha'... so, Humans loved elf girls even before you knew we were real?!!!)
(5) Protection: Giant spaceship blasters are great, but based on what we know, a higher tier elf warrior could probably grapple even a Tier 2 magically strengthened human and take him captive, knock him unconscious, or kill them easily. I find it audacious that Lloyd isn't more security conscious and/or doing everything in his power to increase his personal strength while interacting with these elves. They could collectively, or at the command of the princess, simply decide that the human is to valuable/dangerous to be allowed to remain free, such that they need to imprison him. The human isn't nearly paranoid enough given his situation, knowing nothing about the culture of these elves; is betrayal and usurpation a common theme in elf history and lore? He hasn't asked for copies of maps (marking territories, city names and landmarks. etc. to augment his computer recordings) or more than a basic description of the local politics... instead he is doing all the teaching; he should be the student first, and then teach after he better understands his new situation (rather than acting superior while being easily politically manipulated and subjected to a not-so-hostile takeover by the first educated elf to sneak into the settlement).
We know that there are manipulative controlling princesses serving him tea (drugs/poison?), Barons & likely Baron's spies (immigrant control or interviews?), bandits (same), etc. ... all of these folks have good reasons to want the human dead, or imprisoned, so that they can pillage or benefit from the incredible otherworldly wealth he has. AND MOST OF ALL, I'LL SAY IT AGAIN... MAGIC! How can he not want an education in this; at very least, he should ask for starting basics in cultivation as well as advanced techniques for later; every alchemy book, magical tome, spell recitation (to be recorded for posterity) that is available from every magic user in the village.
... I had a few other gripes, 3 and 5 are essentially the same gripe, different spin, but I'll stick with these few. I know that you're only 25 chapters in, and can only write so much, but when the timeline of your story advances quickly without you covering some of these bases, it makes your MC seem obtuse.
I'll add, these are all the critiques. I'm LOVING the story (the parts from the MCs perspective) and you simply can't write quickly enough. Great premise, character, style, grammar, etc. KEEP IT UP! (My critiques are easily remedied and/or personal opinions that others may not share.)
Wow m8!
Now, some of these issues are because of my failure as an author, but most of them is because what I wanted the story to be back when I was starting to write. I had wanted the MC to be "f dis shit, Imma out of here" kind of person, but decided to change it to be more political and less slice-of-life.
You know, just after this comment, I decided to make a "gripes" section on the discord. Perhaps you could join us and express the problem you see there on a more active basis?
I will continue to write as best as I can, but after the end of the prologue arc, I am planning to stop the story short while, and do a revision from the start, so I can post a more decent version(with these and many more gripes fixed) on a bigger yet much more cruel platform, RR.
I would like to have as many keen eyed readers who can help when i do that!
@Monk_Origins ... ah. Ok, Slice of Life. ....
For readers not familiar, "In theater, slice-of-life refers to naturalism, while in literary parlance it is a narrative technique in which a seemingly arbitrary sequence of events in a character's life is presented, often lacking plot development, conflict and exposition, as well as often having an open ending." - Wikipedia
I didn't know you were aiming for SoL or political as opposed to something with more militant, focused, action; there was no SoL tag on your story. (SoL stories seem to me, slower paced and don't have aggressive MCs.) They are also infamous for MCs who miss obvious clues about women (and other things) to create drama... so, the issues that I was seeing are more likely intentional style than anything.
Thanks for responding!
@TDM As I said, it was back in the day. Story is heading towards another direction now,and the old chapter will be edited when re-mastering it.
@TDM
(1) Too may POV switches
Myself, I really enjoy the changes of perspective, telling the story from the viewpoint of different characters. It really helps to keep the story fresh and helps readers see things from different points of view. Too many stories try to tell everything from the point of view of the protagonist or limit POV switches to the very rare and occasional side stories. I think the number of POV switches is just about right. If anything, I'd appreciate POV switches being even more frequent.
I actively dislike some of the characters whose POV you are showing.
I have yet to find an important character (told from their POV) in this story that I actively dislike. What about them do you dislike? Maybe this story isn't for you, then?
(3) like MAGIC?!!
Floyd *has* been trying to cultivate his strength. The story goes to some length to explain how extraordinary, even absurd, the progress of his cultivation is - from Tier 0 to Tier 2 in just a couple of months. Usually, that takes *years* to achieve! What more could one expect?
...who had the ability to manipulate his very soul
I think you misunderstood. That "soul link" was just a Tier 0 thing Galdwin did (who wasn't even a mage at the time) so they could communicate. Technically, it wasn't even a spell. And it did not allow the user to manipulate his soul in the sense you are implying. That said, it was explained that the weird mana energy overcharge Floyd had at that time made him super-vulnerable to any spell or form of magic. But that was solved by him cultivating to use up the excess energy. Correct me if I'm wrong, but: My *impression* is that gaining tiers even as a Warrior may increase one's resistance to magic to a limited degree.
...figure out how to defend or weaponize myself with this new-fangled magic stuff!
This is explained in a later chapter. Being a mage has certain combat advantages, while being a warrior has different advantages that are just as important. Floyd is advised against cultivating both as a warrior and a mage. Also, his natural abilities, gene mods and implants synergize nicely with the Warrior Path, but do little to nothing for the Mage Path.
BTW: How dangerous do you think spellcasters are if spells like Fireball can be dodged by the target and if the mage only has enough mana to cast a few of them before running dry? Anyway, it was explained that certain metals and equipment can completely protect against magic or mitigate certain spells. (Orichalcium can nullify any magic done to it. And certain types of monster hide can resist or block, say, heat or fire damage.)
Stop giving away chemistry books and Tier-4 wyvern cores of incredible value, and trade for some magical tomes, or lessons, or something.
To sell or trade something, the other party has to appreciate the value of it and have a desire to obtain it. Nobody on this planet could understand or appreciate the value of that chemistry book until they had time to study it and, ideally, perform some experiments. Besides, Floyd is looking at the big picture and aiming for large dividends in the long term. He gained *huge* long-term benefits by giving away those chemistry books.
Without teaching them chemistry, he would be unable to achieve his goals of modernizing their society or helping them become self-sufficient (i.e., not rely on him so much). Chemistry unlocked a lot of things for them, including gunpowder, modern textile and soap industries, modern paper and much more. Also, the alchemist had conditions placed on her to accept the books, such as sharing everything she learns. And [spoiler] she makes some HUGE discoveries later. Also, she became indebted to him in a way humans would find difficult to understand.
Something similar could be said for him giving the princess that Tier 4 core. He gets big benefits from that, including the loyalty of a royal princess, now indebted to him and who can thus become a Tier 4 mage in a short time. Anyway, it's not like she had much money or assets left to give.
(4) Sexy elves: You describe them. You bring them in. You have them look at him lustily. His AI says that they are biologically compatible...
Not enough hentai? As is, probably, there are some readers who are a bit off-put by the sexy-stuff depicted between elves. But, perhaps there will be the kind of sexy time you are looking for - between Floyd and an elf - in a later chapter?