[ 1 ☽ 28 ☼ 2015 年 ]

Several days ago, I was having a conversation with Z◼-kun on twitter and I was reminded of how morbid of a person I am.

By morbidity, I mostly mean all things “dark.”

—You know, fallen angels, occult, emo-ness, dark fantasy, blood, hawt villains, chains, paranormal romance.

It’s fairly well established in the anime-world that this sort of naive interest is actually a form of chuunibyou. It is the chuunibyou that I am most familiar with, because it very vividly reminds me of the “emo/goth” sentimentality exhibited by many eighth graders I knew in the past (myself included, *cough*).

I wasn’t actually depressed or ill. For myself and many of my friends, it was merely a game of chuunibyou, and for some reason we glorified those hurtful things. It’s twisted and incredibly wrong because it completely insults the teens out there who really are suffering.

I knew cutters. My best friend in high school spent a couple months in the hospital because he couldn’t stop thinking about hurting himself.

In the mean time, was I messed up because I actually sought this stuff?

I don’t understand a single word you say, Ju-kun! I don’t understand what’s so good about what you call good! I don’t understand! I don’t understand! What’s so cool about “Bloody”? I don’t like blood. Bleeding just hurts! What’s so cool about “madness”? I don’t understand what’s good about being crazy! What’d do you mean by “sinful”? What’s so good about having sin? Is it cool being a criminal? And what’s with “chaos” anyways? Chaos? What about it? What about darkness? You want it to be dark? Between justice and evil, why is evil better? Why do you prefer evil? Isn’t it evil because it’s wrong?

I still struggle with this sometimes because it does conflict with everything that I know to be “right”.

Why am I fascinated with sinners? The first anime that ever impacted me significantly was Chrono Crusade^[1], and it did so because it quite literally shattered my preconceptions about the the boundaries between good and evil.

Ever since then, I became a sympathizer of villains.

The male otaku demographic seems obsessed with “purity” (moe, perfect, plastic-doll girls), but I’m almost the opposite.

Somehow I ended up in this strange place where I’m glorifying the dirty, corrupt, degenerate, and the suffering.

I’m not sure about how I feel about myself.

Is it wrong to like the things that I like?

Is it wrong to think that Ulquiorra is hot as fuck and furthermore admit that yes—I was one of those weird teens who was obsessed with vampires, shapeshifters, and paranormal romance.

Am I twisted?

I’m really not sure.

Maybe you can help me find an answer.

Notes:

1. I think I watched it when I was around thirteen years old.

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【 anoymousmatcha - written 1497 days ago 】