Macronomicon

*So this chapter has a woman have bad things happen to her. If you wanna skip that, skip to the end after Garth's POV.

“Last I checked, thinking about things wasn’t a crime.” Garth said as his canning device spit out another batch of sixteen ounce aluminum cans of Garth-aid™, ready for consumption.

It collected the output from the Processing Plant and Ms. Banyan wheeled case after case out of the dungeon. Garth was forced to bail himself out, because the output was already unsustainable. The leaky faucet had become a full-on stream of the raw heartstone juice while he was asleep, and If he didn’t do something about it, he was going to flood his dungeon.

So, cut it with a little water, sugar, caffeine and carbonation, and call it a soft drink.

“I’m a guy. I think about sex all the time, right Grass?”

YOU DO. MORE THAN THE AVERAGE MALE.

“See? It’s not like I’m an animal who would jump you simply because you’re old enough to…you know. It’s just that I’m WAY older than you, even if we don’t count the years I’ve been dead. I don’t know what the mores of society are nowadays, but it just doesn’t feel right to me. What I’m saying is that I wouldn’t take advantage of you…well, I try not to take advantage of you…Umm. Anyway, please stop ignoring me. I’m sorry. I’ll never think about sex with you again.”

YOU LIE.

Shut up, Grass!

Caitlyn glanced over from her workbench where she had been ignoring him, drawing a blueprint with a cold, angry expression. Her eyes widened as if she had just noticed him, and she reached up to her ears and pulled out two tiny little earbuds that were belting out music from the 20^th century.

“Were you trying to talk to me?” She asked, her green eyes wide in an expression of attentive innocence. She really did have a lovely face. Sharp, perfect lines compared to Alicia’s rounded lusciousness.

Man, I wanna see what she looks like when I use the orgasm keyphrase on her. Mm. And other expressions.

YOU LIED.

Sometimes you gotta tell women what they need to hear, even if there’s no way it could be true.

Garth reprocessed what he’d seen. Ear buds? She couldn’t hear me? Where the hell did she get earbuds from? Probably Linda. She hasn’t been ignoring me, she’s been jamming out. Damnit.

“You’re…not mad at me?” Garth asked.

“What, oh, no, I was just having trouble with this blueprint, getting everything to fit together the way I want it to. Why, is something wrong?” She asked.

“Nope, it’s all good,” Garth said, getting back on task, cracking open a Garth-aid™ Punch, and downing it as manfully as possible to hide his previous blubbering.

Garth turned his attention back to the deluge of raw Heartstone juice coming out of the pipe.

I guess I’m gonna have to expand the number of people who get stat increases, because this is way too much for one man.

It’s above and beyond exponential growth, Garth thought as he glanced at the downpour of tiny goblin heartstones gently clicking against each other midair as they rained down into the pitcher of the Processing Plant.

I wonder what the interdimensional record for most goblins killed with a single spell is? Maybe I’ll be in the running someday?

Their hunting skill improved, Garth realized. That could account for the incredibly rapid advance in goblin slaying. Creating more hunter-killers, and teaching their offspring the proper techniques.

I wonder how Mark One is doing, Garth thought idly as Mrs. Banyan rushed past him to begin stacking flats of Garth-Aid™ for transpo.

“Garth, Alicia’s been spotted entering the gates of the Green Hell.”  Mrs. Banyan said as she stacked boxes.

“Got it,” Garth said, taking another sip and grabbing a couple for the road.

***Jelly Bean***

Jelana Bean, known as Jelly Bean to her village due to her short height, roly poly body, soft breasts, and soft character, had hitched a ride with a merchant caravan in a fit of anger-induced self-determination.

Normally she went along with whatever she was told, had done for most of her life. It was easier and less stressful than figuring things out for herself, and making mistakes.

It seemed whenever she did something of her own will, it had been a colossal mistake.

Not this time, though. Only staying in that awful place would have been a mistake.

It had been three days ago when her friend Amy broke the news that the boys in town didn’t actually like her, they just treated her like the village well; communal property.

She hadn’t believed her at first, but when Boras came by the next night, she had asked him if it was true, he had laughed and brushed off the question, and in an uncharacteristic show of strength, she’d demanded an answer.

He’d gotten angry and hurt her, then did what he came to do anyway.

Not one second longer.

Jelly was very easygoing. She could have adjusted, could have gone along with that kind of life if the boys kept being nice to her, but that was over. They didn’t even hide their scorn behind her back anymore.

Or maybe it was Jelly that had changed, seeing things that were already there.

So when the merchant caravan headed for Santo Descanso to the south had passed through her small town, she’d done the bravest thing she could think of: She ran away.

The caravan guards were nice about it, but she was always afraid they would get angry and hurt her like Boras, so she went along and did whatever they wanted. Unfortunately, what some of the younger ones seemed to want was to hurt her.

It wasn’t all bad. A couple of the older men were very nice to her, and just wanted to fall asleep with her after sex, and sometimes talk about their dead wives. That was a little awkward, but if that was all she had to do, she was happy to help them.

It was halfway through the trip when Jelly Bean realized she’d fallen into the same situation as the village.

She was sitting on the edge of the wagon, trying to puzzle out her current situation in the brilliant noonday sun, the forest a few hundred feet to the right of the road.

Jelly liked sex, and she liked making people feel good, but when she did, they treated her bad. Was she supposed to be mean and grumpy all the time? Would they treat her well then?

Why is everything so hard?

Maybe…Maybe I should ask someone for advice? It felt like a good idea, but she’d asked for advice many times before. Men usually advised her to enjoy herself, and women usually gave her a cold shoulder.

I’m starting to think men’s advice is bad. I’m not sure why, but it doesn’t seem to help, and I usually wind up having sex with them afterward.

Jelly Bean kicked her feet off the side of the wagon some more.

I guess I’ll have to try mean and grumpy, ‘Cuz I don’t know what else to do.

It was when Jelly had reached that single destiny-altering thought that she heard the screech of goblins.

Dirt flew up all around them as the little green men emerged from wooden trap doors buried in the ground.

What? Jelly thought, stunned into passivity as the little men raced forward with their short spears and began ruthlessly jamming them into any gap in the caravan guard’s armor.

“Jelly, hide!” one of the nice guards said, yanking her backward into the wagon while she gave a startled squawk before the beefy man stuffed her into a crate.

Jelly’s world became stifling and claustrophobic. All around her she could hear the sound of combat, cried of pain from men and goblins, the sound of steel on steel.

Her heart hammered in her chest, the tight quarters of the box nearly making her lose her composure and try to claw her way out.

“Everyone to the front! Guard the horses and punch through!” Someone shouted over the high pitched gibberish of the goblins.

Oh thank goodness, we’re going to get away, she thought, relieved. She heard the sound of the wagons start to move, the sound of combat fading away into the distance.

Why is it getting further away?

Jelly was in the rear wagon.

Did they forget about me?

A few minutes went by, and the only sound she heard was the hissing and gibbering of goblins. The click of their claws on the wooden floor of the wagon send waves of dread through her stomach.

Maybe if I stay really still, they’ll get tired of searching through the wagon and leave.

Another tense minute went by, and the lid of the crate was lifted off, revealing the face of a little green man with a deadly sharp grin.

“Hi?” Jelly Bean said meekly.

****

This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening, Jelly thought over and over as she was dragged through the forest, the twigs scraping against her delicate skin and tearing her homespun clothes.

I didn’t do anything bad! Goblins only take little girls who do bad things or wander into the forest alone. I was with a group of guards! I did what I was told!

“Why is this happening to me-ow!” Jelly Bean yelped as the goblin behind her poked her behind with its spear. The evil thing cackled with glee at her girlish yip, and proceeded to poke her more, as its friends joined in tormenting her.

Jelly wanted to slap the spears away from her bottom, but her hands were bound to her neck, connected to a long rope that several of the awful-smelling little men tugged on, seemingly every time she got her balance.

Jelly knew what was waiting for her; a slow death at the hands of goblins, raped until she died and then they would eat her.

Maybe someone will save me, she thought, tears brimming in her eyes as she was yanked off balance again, stumbling forward. Every step they took, however, brought her further from the road and closer to their den. Further from rescue.

The goblins had made it clear that if she resisted they would kill her, and seeing them eat the handful of guard that had died was more than convincing enough.

She didn’t want to die, so she did what she was told.

But she knew she was going to anyway.

 They dragged her to a foul-smelling cave, shoving her into it, heedless of her retching. Inside was a short tunnel leading to a cavern big enough for three people. The light from outside barely illuminated the room, and when Jelly’s eyes adjusted, she wished it didn’t.

The corpse of another woman rotted in the corner, parts of her flesh stripped away to feed the goblin horde. Her face was sunken and her eyes rotted out, showing Jelly exactly what she was in for.

Something snapped inside her, and the threat of death was no longer enough to stop her. Not when she could see her future rotting in front of her.

“NO!” she screamed, thrashing violently and trying to break out of her bonds. The Goblins swarmed around her, holding onto her limbs and wearing her down, waiting until she had no energy left to struggle.

They moved the rotten corpse out of the way and carried her into its place, tearing her clothes away from her. Jelly’s heavy breasts spilled out and to either side as they roughly placed her on her back and tied her arms to metal pilons sunk straight into the rock.

Jelly’s life became a nightmare of pain and humiliation. For days, they didn’t leave her alone, anxious to play with their new toy, until gradually their interest died down, coming in ones and twos every couple hours.

After three days, Jelly had given up, just waiting for an infection to end her life. She wasn’t brave enough to starve to death, so when they brought food, she ate, hating herself. She wasn’t brave enough to make one of them mad enough to kill her either. They would just hurt her, but leave her alive.

She didn’t want more pain.

On the fourth day, things got strange.

A goblin walked into the room with a friend, the two of them grinning maliciously as they approached her, their members swollen already.

Against her will, she found her body growing warm. Her mind was shut off, but her body did anything it could to reduce the pain. It horrified her that sometimes…it felt good, even if she didn’t want it to.

The first little green man shoved her limp legs aside and was about to mount her when the second one grabbed the first one by the head and snapped his neck.

The broken-necked goblin fell on top of Jelly, twitching with blood leaking from between his lips as his staring eyes bored into her from atop her breast.

The sight drew the first semblance of emotion that Jelly had been able to feel in days. She squawked and squirmed before the second goblin grabbed the other one’s neck and dragged him into the dark opposite corner of the cave and ate him. a minute later it fiddled with it’s stomach. She couldn’t quite make out what it was doing on the other side of the cave, but it seemed to enjoy it.

What is going on? Jelly began to feel curiosity again. Her newlyfound hope and curiosity went out the window as the goblin shot her an odd glance before wordlessly heading back out of the cave.

A couple hours later, the same thing happened again.

And again.

And again.

She realized it was the same goblin doing this, somehow able to consume an entire goblin in a matter of minutes, before going about his business like nothing was wrong. The goblins themselves were too stupid to figure out that something was picking them off.

When it happened again, Jelly called out to the goblin.

“Wait!” she said as it dragged its brethren to the corner of the room again. It stopped and looked at her, eyes full of intelligence. Not at all like a goblin.

“Jelly Bean.” She said, pointing at herself, before inwardly cursing at using her nickname rather than her actual name.

“JellyBean?” It asked, pointing at her with a curious gaze.

“Yes, that’s me.” she said, nodding. “Can you let me out of here?”

The goblin looked confused for a moment, before pointing at itself.

“Mark. One.”

Mark one? That doesn’t sound goblin at all. Jelly wasn’t sure what it might mean, but it definitely wasn’t a goblin name.

He pointed at her. “Jellybean here, good hunt.” He then turned and walked off, ignoring her protests.

Mark one continued to lure goblins in one at a time for three days killing and eating them one at a time, until finally, he bothered to untie her and bring her outside.

She froze once the light of the outside world struck her eyes. Outside the cave was nothing but goblins, dozens of them meticulously creating stone arrows and tools with intense focus.

Not a single one of them looked at her twice, instead focusing on their work in an un-goblinlike manner.

Mark One shouted something in goblin, and the little green men’s heads came up, paying attention to him.

“Jellybean Isth ager uft shii zugle ben sappa win twee. Sim ker fol dundeda soppei can!”

Suddenly the dozen or so goblins directed their attention at her, giving her sharp-toothed smile that had all of the menace of goblins, but none of the mindless brutishness. These…things knew exactly what they were doing.

“What did you say to them?”

“You be Jellybean for tribe.”

“What?” she asked confused.

It wasn’t much longer until she found out exactly what they meant. They dressed her in rags that barely covered her body, and motioned for her to run away.

Jelly was happy enough to get away, so she ran the direction they pointed. Strangely, rather than hitting the road, she seemed to go deeper into the woods. Did they send me the wrong way?

 It wasn’t long before another group of goblins captured her, and just before they shoved her into a different cave, a hail of stone-tipped arrows descended on them, catching the frenzied, horny tribe of goblins off guard.

Mark One and the rest of his tribe howled with a hair raising battle cry as they flooded out of the woods, falling on the other green men and tearing them to pieces while they were still alive.

“You good Jellybean,” Mark One said with a smile, wiping blood from his mouth as Jelly sat with her back against a tree, panting from the sheer fright of being in the middle of a storm of arrows and spears.

Jelly watched in horror as about a third of the goblin tribe puked up babies, swelling their numbers even further.

“Go be Jellybean that way,” he said, pointing with a happy grin.

“I AM NOT BAIT!” Jelly shouted as something cracked inside her. “I AM A PERSON, MY NAME IS JELANA BEAN, AND I DON’T WANT THIS!”

Mark One and the other strange goblin things turned to face her curiously, crowding around her and Mark, pressing in close without a hint of malice. Confusion was written all over the ugly little green man’s face as he glanced around, unsure of himself.

“…What then…you want?”

Macronomicon

For those who skipped, bad stuff happened to Jelly, who was rescued by Mark One. Mark One thought she liked being goblin bait, And Jelly set him straight.