Chapter 23 – I Am Not A Clever Ma'am

I pushed up from the table, gathered my belongings, and walked across the room. Tables squeaked away from where I walked like I tainted everything around me. Chilton’s head darted between me and the little, futile display of discipline he was trying to put on at that side of the room.

He told me, “Sit back down for now. I’ll be with you soon, Miss Waller…”

Staring at him, I bent my head and proclaimed, “I want my seat.” I looked to Heather by my most recent, empty seat but her eyes evaded mine. Chilton gave an exaggerated sigh through his nose as he said, “I’ll deal with seating later. Just stay over there for now.”

I should’ve relented. I should’ve just gone back to the seat and not bothered with the tiredness, annoyance, and irritation. But I bristled and told him, “I am a part of this class…Or you should send me out. I refuse to be some thing tossed aside and gawked over…by anyone...”

My eyes turned to the class, which reeled backwards like some spook had just wafted over the room. Chilton pressed his forehead and matted back his thin, balding hair as he told me, “So, you want to be written up? Easily done. This is my classroom…”

I flicked my eyes at him and asked, “Oh, yeah? Then why do I only think about number counting when I think of your class? Wasted hour upon hour…of letting a rabble control the room. I am here because I fucking love English. If you think you’re really a teacher then don’t push me off in the corner and think that solves the problem!”

I panted after I was done. I had little idea of what I’d just said. The words escaped me like flames from a sudden explosion. They curled up into the air with the feeling of the moment before the last wisp of them extinguished and I was left there with the creeping horror of what I’d just said. All the stuff I’d felt. Stuff I wasn’t even sure I believed but it was in my head when I felt it and it felt right.

Chilton sighed at me and stepped over to his desk. “Oooo” sounds and chuckles rippled everywhere till he burst out with a sharp-edged, “Quiet!” above his normal tone. I kept the harshness of my own feelings tightened in my eyes but I still watched nervously as he took time to fill out the slip.

For most people, he already had the main details filled out. For mine, it took him longer. It was a weird sensation to be on the spot. To have done something “bad”.

On the one hand, I felt empty. On the other, I felt trembling with uncertainty and shock. I’d said one word too many and it would’ve been pointless to try to take them back. I just stood there and waited. A gaze at Heather was met by her locked eyes on the board as she went to work on the grammar assignment.

Before long, Chilton passed a slip to me as he quietly said, “Cool off, Miss Waller. Go to the security office. I’ll call and explain…”

He lingered with me as I made my way over to the door. When we were on the other side, he said, “I want you in class. I’m sorry it has to be this way. I can’t imagine what you’re going through…but I have a daughter almost your age. I wouldn’t want her to ever feel alone. So, you take care. Take a breather. You seem like you’ve had a stressful day…Alright?”

Though he didn’t put a hand on my shoulder, he crouched and stretched a hand like he was about to. I gave a little nod and told him quietly, “I’m sorry…I…yeah. I’m stressed. I saw Wes’s girlfriend before class…”

He gave a calm, sympathetic nod and told me, “Just take some time. Aceves thought you might need some counseling too, but we don’t want to push you into that. We really have no idea how to deal with this kind of thing.”

I hugged my arms and muttered, “I have no idea either…no idea especially…I just…”

Sighing softly again, he glanced back to the classroom which sounded like some excitement was kicking up. He told me, “Just go on. Don’t worry about class. We’ll work something out, alright?”

Thanking him, I made my way down the ramp. I wanted to thank him. I wanted to apologize. I felt like an ass. But, at the same time, I meant what I said. I just felt differently once I’d said all of it and seen how he responded. I was so tired, so exhausted mentally, and feeling an ache like after a long and vigorous session of gym class. If only it was just gym and I could sit down and let the ache smother itself.

I just wanted to sleep. Find a dream, my best dream, and live in it. Something with everyone hanging out with me. Something with jokes and fun. That would be just fine. A perfect little dream to bury my exhaustion in. To finally find a respite. To return to the dream of those moments with Ben and Rebecca.

But every moment of the past dies, never to live again. It only lives as ghosts in our memories. Ghosts that haunt us as a new moment passes with every breath.

I couldn’t dwell on the past with angsty, overwrought metaphors as I dragged myself to the security office.

Instead, I shut my eyes as I walked. A little nap on the go. Sometimes not a good idea. This was one of those times.

“Watch out, Kenzie!”

A familiar yell. I darted my eyes open to catch sight of one of the oaks which usually lined the walkways of the science classrooms rising up in front of me. I’d stepped onto the grass and not realized it. Quickly, I dashed to the right with a breath and avoided getting low-hanging branches in my face.

Panting, I looked over to my right and caught sight of Cody’s smirk and folded arms.

“No sleepwalking”, he admonished me.

I chuckled a little in response and lingered past arm’s length by him. He crept a little closer. The doors of classrooms nearby were open so we provided a distraction to the nearest students and their prying eyes.

Clearing my throat, I asked him, “Where you off to?”

He gave a half shrug. He wore lean jeans and checkered flannel today as he brushed a lock of his hair over his shoulder, held up a paper in his hand, and said, “Just the boonies as a messenger boy. I didn’t see you in Biology today. Class has been crazy about the other day.”

We seemed to orbit around one another with slow and quick steps until Cody inquired, “Are we dancing?”

He always took line dancing for Gym, so I figured he’d be a pretty good dancer.

I giggled a little and stayed in place even though my feet still shifted. “Just a little nervous. I…got upset at my teacher, Mister Chilton, and he sent me out…”

His cometary eyebrows contorted, and he pressed, “You? Really? Did you punch him? Because, if so, then I want deets.”

I liked Cody. Not that way. Although it’s hard to tell sometimes, even to yourself. But he was one of those people who always seemed to have a quip behind his words and a smile behind every situation. He made me feel good.

I tried to reflect a smirk like his and shook my head as I said, “I just called him out on being a bad teacher because…he shoved me in a corner and made me have to defend myself against some dude in class causing a fuss because of…what happened the other day…”

Which would require a long explanation. We drifted away from the open doors so no teachers could pop out and ask us where we were headed and why we weren’t walking. We walked slowly towards a courtyard area while Cody asked the obvious question of the other day and I thought a while about what I should say.

“Something I did…caused Wes Betancourt to turn into a girl and he’s been stuck that way…and I don’t know what to do now…I’m like an infectious disease sitting in class.”

He took a long breath as we came to something of a blind spot for the security people who often roamed around. The area smelled of lingering, foul smoke.

Cody spread his arms with his hands out as much as he could while still holding the paper he needed to deliver, beckoned me with his fingertips, and pronounced, “Sounds like hug time.”

I accepted the hug, like human refreshment. Rebecca and Ben had been a soothing balm, but this lifted me out of anxiety and tiredness and back into some form of normalcy.

I felt shivering tears, but they just glossed my eyes over. The hug was brief but it was enough as Cody told me, “Nothing lasts forever. Good, bad, or otherwise. Hang in there against the crappy crap.”

They were words I should’ve known but it meant something to hear them from another person. I thanked him quietly as my eyes dried.

Then, he added, “Who knows…maybe all this might wind up with some good? You never know who might actually want to ask for and pay for what you can do.” He accented it with a little wink which left me curious.

Quickly, he cleared his throat, fanned the paper in his hands, and said, “But I gotta get this delivered. I’ll see you at lunch, right?”

Lunch felt like an eternity away. Miles of words, moments, fears, and weaker times spread before me like a journey I never wanted to take. But I nodded and told him, “Hope so, unless I get sent home again…”

He gave a quick, random salute and rushed off the other way.

I had a place to go too. I adjusted my backpack and continued on my way.

It should’ve been obvious then about Cody, but I’d figure it out soon enough.

Art by Alexis Rillera/Anirhapsodist