Chapter 38 - Inconceivable

She was a nice old lady, but her too-small house was packed with extended family members and too much stuff. It was hard to find a place to sit when visiting. She was a third-generation (one more than mom) American, so my mom had high regards for her. Her young grandkids sometimes came over to visit. My mom collected pictures of them with more enthusiasm than pictures of me.

After wishing her a nice evening, I wondered about checking the mailbox out front. Dad probably already got it. Going down the road would excite all the dogs, mostly manic German shepherds, along the way as they leapt and pressed against their meager metal fences that they could probably clear with a good jump. I didn’t want to roll the dice with them. So, I plotted out a quick and safe route off the sidewalk and over to the little island of the modified cul-de-sac.

In later years, someone would take care of the landscaping but, back then, it was a barren swath of reddish stones and a single, feeble palm tree.

Turning to the right, I ignored some black tagging over a mottled patchwork of several repaintings, which didn’t quite match the original color.      

I coughed and turned as a car on the main road swooped past at earnest speed with a sweeping draft behind it. The air felt suddenly, sharply dusty. Not rare for an area where new construction was often left barren with loose sand and gravel. But this dust smelled more insidious. It pressed at my nose, even when I completely covered it. I turned to look at the driveway ahead that led to the local church.

A little flash of gray darted between the lengthening shadows. I suspected it was a dashing cat, but it didn’t seem large or solid enough. Perhaps a black, see-through bag caught in the wind?

Turning the corner and glancing around revealed no clear suspects. Of course, if it was a cat or something else then it had plenty of time and space to make a quick escape up the wall. It was peculiar, but I didn’t worry about it. Just another weird little thing. Get in line.

I walked beside the church’s fence. They had older but similar buildings to the “temp”, modular classrooms around school along with some plastic play equipment and a sign advertising their daycare programs. I was already pretty far from home at this point, but I’d sometimes gone further on walks. I took the first left to lead me back into my housing tract. Going forward would just take me on the familiar path to the high school.

A lot of the church area behind our wall was undeveloped with only some scrub and small plants. I often walked this area in a wide loop around Halloween. I hadn’t gone last year, but I had some fun passing out candy. We often had more and more leftovers despite buying the same amount.

I made the next right onto a street not that different from ours. The homes were still quite nice then. I liked the one with huge bushes in front. They always put out a lovely holiday display of yellow lights until one year when someone (presumably a new owner) hacked the bushes in half and never lit them again.

Further down the street was a towering pine right beside the garage/side fence of a house. Those owners went above and beyond at Christmas. Somehow, they managed to string a flourish of bright twinkle lights all over and put a golden star at the top of that forty-foot evergreen. I dreamed silly little dreams that my birthday pine might one day match that height.

They stopped decorating it after a certain year as well. Then, not too long ago, public works removed it completely. But such things were a ways off from that day in 1998, so I could still marvel at its grin-inspiring height.

I took the next cross-street and traveled along the edge of my elementary school for fourth to sixth grade. A set of old, fenced-off classrooms had been stripped away to concrete slabs with sandy holes and tall weeds. I kept going.

The houses to my right were arranged in short loops. They were very nice, some with fancy porches and second stories. A decorative, sky-blue mailbox read "The Baxters" on the side. I continued, picking up my pace till I got to the main street.

I could only estimate how long I’d been out, but I figured I could continue for a few more blocks. I dashed across a confusing turning lane and crosswalk which had more than its share of accidents.

I decided to head down the end of the next street and then make a left that intersected some apartments and Gladis’s neighborhood. It also occurred to me that Wes’s home wasn’t too far away.

He…yeah…he lived a couple blocks west and south towards some of the best Christmas displays in years past. Then a disgruntled worker shot his boss, who happened to be the main organizer of all the displays in that community.

With a sigh, I thought about Wes. I kinda wanted to see him, no matter what he’d said last time. We could sit safely distanced and maybe…just maybe, I could help him out. I could talk to him even if my simple words were so insubstantial. I could do something. I could somehow make good on what had happened because of me. But his girlfriend’s bitter threats echoed in my head. It wasn’t my place.

Whatever…it wasn’t like I was going to just run into him.

But that’s exactly what I did barely a minute after that thought.

Wes, still the same…girl, was dressed in a generic gray sweater that swallowed his hands, similar jeans from last time, and a pair of Vans that fit him better than his other pair. His hair was as unkempt as before. I kinda recognized him on sight but it took a long, dazed spell for it to consciously register this was him. Bumping into him around the school was weird but kinda made sense. This startled me.

I had another random thought… Sooo, it wasn’t like I was going to just get rained on by millions of dollars suddenly falling from the clear sky. Oh yeah, not a chance there.

He…didn’t look at me. His steps, though quiet, dragged across the pavement. He entered a little green-belt at the end of the tract. On the other side of a nearby chain-link fence was a dried-up flood basin filled with brittle, yellowed reeds sprouting from cracks and deposited mud.

I was about to call out his name but I stopped and held there as he passed his narrow fingers between the holes in the fence and gripped tightly.

With a pant and a rough gasp, he whimpered in a small, strangled voice. His hair spilled over his face as he crumpled at the foot of the fence. His grip slid with a rattling noise as he pulled himself into a ball.

The sweater buried his features and muffled most of the whimpers. Silent as I could be, I stood there, uncertain about what I should do.

If I took a step away then she…he was likely to hear that and turn. I couldn’t imagine any of that going well. But just calling his name while he was crying in a fetal position didn’t seem any better. It pained me to watch and every moment I kept watching made the whole thing feel ever more uncomfortable.

Ultimately, Wes just happened to look my way. He gave a high, quick gasp as he said, “Kenzie?! You…what are you doing…what are you doing here?” His hand quickly rubbed at his nose and puffy eyes as he stared at me, then quietly turned away.

I rubbed my elbows and shrugged as I answered, “I just…went for a walk.” I knew he lived around 40th East off of Gemini Ave, amidst a series of streets named for planets and space missions.

He used the fence to stand up and gave a little nod in no direction in particular. “Same. I guess. Just walking. I guess…”

I clung to my arms and told him, “I’m sorry. I know you said…not to talk. I didn’t mean to run into you and all this.”

Wes brushed his hair out of his face. “I know. And…it’s okay. I talked first anyway.”

It was so awkward standing there. I shuffled my feet, kept hugging myself, and shifted around. I didn’t want to get too close to Wes but, at the same time, I didn’t want to be too far away.

She…he slipped her thin fingers through the fence links and asked me, while gazing off in the distance, “How was class?”

That felt like such a mundane question. Such a ‘before’ question. Wes misses a day, and he asks me what happened and what he missed while taking quick little notes and seasoning his responses with lengthy words. I took a deep breath and tried to answer it in as much of a ‘before’ way as possible.

“The usual. Chilton couldn’t handle the class and I called him out on it. I called out Treyvin too for being a…jerk. I got sent to security.”

Turning her…his head, Wes raised his eyebrows and reacted, “You got sent out? Inconceivable.”

Nice to hear a long word from him. I allowed myself a forced smile as I elaborated, “It wasn’t much. I just caught up on my missed work. Chilton even stopped in and stuff. And…umm…I bumped into Natalie right before English.”

I almost skipped over the last bit but there it was. Wes’s shoulders dipped as he responded, “She stopped by my house after her last class. She didn’t say anything about running into you though.”

I swiftly tried to offer up reasons, but my mess of stammers faded as Wes continued, “We kinda had a fight. That’s why I was walking. And I remembered this flood basin.”

He bent his head to inspect the sharply sloping walls with tangled weeds at the bottom. Idly, he noted. “I thought it was more of a drop-off.”

My heart quickened in my chest. The nerves drifting out of my words but settling into my whole body, I asked, “What do you mean?”

“I want to die. I just want it all to stop. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want everything to feel so…wrong…”

Art by Alexis Rillera/Anirhapsodist