The Girl Who Chases the Wind

Chapter 22: Appearances

I went to sleep with the frail but constant self-assurance that the morning would bring a better day. At the edge of unconsciousness, I thought about the comic books I collected in secret against every pretty and cute thing my other parents tried to bury me in. How easy it was for heroes in those stories.

Bad guys were brought to justice, crime was made to pay, and freedom was preserved. I didn’t quite believe it then and especially not after so many dark and hopeless articles I’d worked through. I wanted to believe it though. I wanted to believe that Feldon could be stopped and there would still be a better world.

All I could say to myself in that tired moment was that, no matter what happened, this was the right thing for me to do.

Despite my efforts at ease, I had one of those dreams I never talk about. My rare dreams of being a man fall into the more fantastical categories of dreams I have. This one started the same way. Or rather that was the first part I could remember.

I was somewhere I didn’t know, but I wasn’t afraid. I was tall enough I could probably touch the ceiling if I tried. There were others around. I had a sense that it was an assortment of people I’d met before. Even a few faces were familiar. Many seemed to loom nervously close. They were watching me.

In the dream, I knew I was Logan Harper in body and presence. Every detail I wished I could show the most was on display. I had no reason to be nervous, but I still had a hollow feeling all through my body. Then, I saw Feldon. His eyes cut through all the others. His strange but familiar brow tightened across the white noise of so many other faces. He waved his hand once and a sense of vertigo overwhelmed me.

I staggered in my shoe lifts and realized they were gone. The world around rose higher with a steady, ticking motion. Everyone was still watching me as my clothes swarmed around me. My short hair spilled over my ears like fleeing insects and kept going until it passed my neck.

My heart thundered in my chest as I tried to reach my wrists through the advancing ends of my shirt cuffs. My Logan-style suit draped over me. The shoulder pads were gone. Before long, my cuffs were getting more manageable but only because my clothes were shrinking too.

Like a steady shotgun fire, the eyes pressed closer with every moment I turned away from myself. My hips swelled and bulged with my narrow waist. My legs showed through what was quickly becoming a skirt. The dwindling sleeves vanished into a band to hold up what was transforming into a halter with string straps.

I fought with the material. I tried to imagine my hands as a shield against my exposure. Mercifully, the shifting clothing stopped at something I remembered. With pink and flowers throughout, it was my uniform for days out with my mother. No exceptions. No alternatives. No loose or gender-neutral clothing. No random chances that someone at a restaurant might throw me a quick “sir” without checking.

Then, it got worse. The shallow crease of my cleavage deepened as my body swelled to push out the top. I didn’t want to look at it. I didn’t want to know any more. But I knew enough from the eyes all on me. The voices spread across me like a sea of whispers.

The Hell is it? Waste of our time. WORTHLESS girl. Deformed. It’s horrible. Hate it. What kind of body is that? Not good enough. Beat it. It deserves nothing. LIAR! NOTHING BUT LIES! EVIL! TERRIBLE!

Little pin-pricks followed which swarmed like rocks whirling out of the darkness. Beyond all the faces, Feldon’s loomed like a beast's, as I heard his voice say, “It’s not good enough.”

One of the verbal strikes was enough to break me out of my sleep. I sat there sweating and clammy, crouching on the bed. I took a few deep breaths before I looked down and realized the blankets were pulled around me. I couldn’t remember if I’d pulled them up. I was sure I’d gone to bed on top of them.

Flicking the lights on, I avoided the bed and stepped around slowly, unsure of every dark patch in the room. I took a drink of water from the tap and glanced over to the sink. One of my cards was placed to the side. I was sure I hadn’t left one there. Written at the bottom, below my words, in careful handwriting, it read, “Whenever you want.”

I dropped the card to arc and dip to the floor. The only card missing from its original place was the one I’d set in the window. None of the others had been moved. I crumpled them all up in the trash and sat in one of the chairs. I wasn’t going to get much sleep for the rest of the morning.

I tried for a short time, but little echoes of those written words merged with the fragments of my dream. I didn’t know anything about it for certain right then but pieces of the words, and that I’d been more of a girl than I ever wanted to be, stabbed through all my other thoughts. 

Clutching my head, I kept myself from crying. I had to be strong. Today was a vital day. At the same time, I had no idea what else I could possibly say to Feldon. Did I dare to say what so often fell with silence from my parents? Do I tell him that no matter what he did to me before I was born and when I was a baby, that I knew I should’ve never been a girl. I shook my head.

Eventually, I did get some sleep, but with my eyes on a hair-trigger to bolt open. They didn’t do so till I heard a faint rap on my window. I leapt past the edge of my bed to peer out. Mari stood there with a thin track jacket on like she’d just come from running. Coincidentally, it was in my favorite shade of blue.

I waved to the glass and she gave the barest hint of a smile. She asked, just loud enough to be heard through the window, “Ready?” I nodded back and used the back of a crumpled card to convey: GIVE ME 5 MINUTES.

I dressed quickly in what began as my Logan Harper uniform but soon morphed into something lighter and not quite so formal. I changed out the recording tape from last evening with a new one and stuffed the old one in a special place reserved for pat-downs and surprise searches when dealing with heavy-handed and foreign government officials.

Looking in the mirror, I didn’t see Logan but I also didn’t see my exposed self. It was good enough. Mari met me over by the door. One look in her eyes and I pulled my lips a little tighter. The only question which felt right to ask her was, “How’s running today?”

Mari shifted between her legs, as though testing them before saying, “I’ve already done the equivalent of a 10K. Are you just waking up?”

I gave a nod with a smile as Mari raised her eyebrows at me. I answered, “Yes. But I had a long day yesterday. And you’re…you know.”

She mimed a puff of air and noted, “You’re thirty. My wife and I both did Ironman races once a year at that age. Just saying. It’s kinda what inspired Aura, I suppose.”

I sighed with my lip curled and offered, “Well, I didn’t have Aura or you in my life. Blame that if you like.” Mari’s expression softened and she looked towards the main clinic and added, “I know. Anyway, wanna get some breakfast?”

I was eager for that but asked her, “I would, but should you eat?”

Mari stretched her limbs in ways that seemed slightly unnatural and admitted, “I won’t be eating. But that doesn’t mean we can’t share a table. Is that alright?”

With a smile filled with more ease than I felt in that moment from all the thoughts and fears crashing through my head, I told her, “I’d like that.”

We turned to head towards the cafeteria when I heard a voice calling from far off. It was Lily. She was racing at Greenie speed across the distance between the forest and the dorm buildings. Planting her feet in front of us, she seemed to mime a pant before she settled. Clutching her hands in front of her, she asserted firmly, “I’m going with you!”

Mari gave a tight expression and said, “We talked about this last night. We’re fine.” Lily hustled ahead of her and added, “But I didn’t agree to it. I can help. And besides, we always have meals together. Why can’t we all have it together?...If that’s okay with you, Mr. Harper.” Lily faced me with her head dipped slightly. I appreciated her words with a little nod.

Clutching her forehead, Mari muttered something inaudible to herself before softly pointing out, “You know the sort of day we’re going to have, right?”

Lily nodded vigorously, her face a blur as she reached her hands out. “That’s why I want to be with you.”

Her shoulders sunk slightly, but she gave a simple gesture for Lily to follow her. I indulged in my own smile as we all walked together. I didn’t see Feldon along the way. I didn’t even notice any familiar faces among the nursing staff but then they were probably on a rotation shift. I did want to stop by Edgar, but I remembered Mari’s instructions from last night.

The cafeteria didn’t have that many people but it still moved with as much energy as if it were a busy lunchtime. Mari did actually wind up picking out something from the offerings. It just wasn’t what I expected. While Lily put together the smallest portion of cake I’d ever seen her eat, Mari took the fake plastic burger from the end of the line. I mixed some breakfast mainstays like hash browns, eggs, and biscuits along with a small portion of salad.

For a few seconds, I thought Mari had gotten an actual burger on her plate and nearly asked why her change of mind. But everything about the entree was a little too sharp in color and too perfect to be real. I glanced from the burger to her and asked instead, “You aren’t going to eat that, right?”

Shaking her head, Mari only noted, “Appearances, that’s all.”

Lily wasn’t so concerned with appearances, but she did eat conservatively. She gazed fondly into her confection between samples. I just ate, trying to keep a vaguely-queasy feeling down with whatever I could put in my mouth. The last time I’d been this nervous, I met a man who slaughtered millions during a foreign government’s climate refugee purge. He was on every international criminal list and he lived in a seaside estate with several women on the side. We talked about pretty women (he had a creepy crush on several American actresses) for a good while. At least he never doubted Logan’s gender.

With the way he would point to his collection of guns, knives, and Hollywood movies, it took every ounce of willpower not to vomit in front of him. Even after my story, he still wanted to be friends online.

There indeed were terrible people in the world. Feldon was right there. But his brand of ‘justice’ was just another abuse of power over humanity. Reminding myself of this did some good to settle my stomach. Still, I didn’t finish everything on my plate. Nor did Lily.

She paused with a few sloppy but shimmering bites with who-knew-what flavors biting at her mouth. Poking at a remnant she said softly, “It’s a shame we need regular care and maintenance…” Mari flashed a look and Lily buried her next words with a swallow of pastry. I could see Lily trying to steady her arms against the table as she swallowed. Those unnatural tears dabbed around her eyes and she dashed them away with a forced smile.

Mari gave a little snort and ran a finger over her phony burger. “We never know what the future holds. I couldn’t have predicted I would be sitting here….together and across from those I love. I never expect a single day I have, but I’m always grateful for them.” She cast her eyes down.