83 — Whispers

I woke up slowly, gently, but in a strange room. 

What looked like afternoon daylight filtered through closed drapes. Flo was curled up in the bed with me, passed out, drooling on my chest.

I felt within myself for a moment, and sensed that she was also in my head. She had been keeping watch over me, body and mind.

My body was covered in bandages. The lack of pain was surprising, but the rows of bottles and syringes on a nearby table explained that. I vaguely remembered hearing someone mention a nurse’s lab.

I looked the other direction, away from the window, and saw a chair in the shadowy corner of the room. 

Kaite was sitting there, reclined, eyes closed.

I quickly realized I had a long thin tube going into my arm. It led up to a bag, hanging from a hook at the top of a thin rod. It was blood, slowly flowing back into me.

“Oh, you're awake,” Kaite whispered as she found my hand and kissed it. Then she kissed my neck, and then we just kissed. I was surprised. We took a minute. It hurt, but I didn't mind.

“Where am…?” I began.

“Emmett's got a nurse with a lab. He’s resting in the next room, by the way — doing well. Was even awake for a bit — kept asking after you.”

“Please thank them both for me,” I said weakly. “Emmett and the nurse I mea—”

“I know what you meant,” she said, and kissed my forehead again. 

I saw the bandage around her lower arm, near the elbow. “You were hurt?” I asked, quickly glancing up at her eyes.

She laughed. “Holes torn straight through you, a cracked rib, and shoulder tendons torn to fuck, and you’re worried about this? Just the little pin-prick they poked in me to get my blood out. It’s in you now.”

I blinked. “Your blood’s in me…”

She nodded. “Getting there, anyway.” She glanced up at the bag. “Flo wanted to be the one to do it, but the blood would all poof away as soon as she de-manifested, right?”

I laughed, but then winced. It seemed that the pain killing drugs weren’t magic. “Yeah, I feel like blood suddenly vanishing is bad.”

“But, it turns out I'm a universal-donor.” She made quote marks with her fingers. “Wild, right? The stabby lady?”

“That’s… I like that. I have Kaite blood.” I then added with a hint of mischief in my smile. “Finally found a way to be inside of me, for a change?”

Kaite snorted. “Well, I did run you though.”

I took a long breath. My torso ached almost worse than my arm and leg. “Part of me feels like I deserved it — for lying to you.”

“Hey, none of that,” she said quickly, squeezing and kissing my hand. “I am not mad at you anymore, and even if I was, you wouldn’t deserve me nearly killing you.” she whispered. I knew she could sense how I trembled at her touch.

The tears came. I burst. The pain in my ribs just made me cry harder. I was shaking. I was sure I’d wake Flo. Kaite just held my hand more tightly.

Kaite stroked the back of my head. “Okay, I was mad a little at first, maybe a lot, for a bit, but also, you were thinking clearly. I wasn’t. You saw how I handled Jaegré dying — how I couldn't handle it, so you lied about Flo maybe dying too so I could keep my head on straight. I get it. Okay maybe I didn't get it at first, but then…”

She paused.

“I guess I realized quickly that telling a person in the heat of the moment that someone they care about is dead is really fucking hard. So yeah, now, I get it. I hate it, but I get it.”

“Kaite, I'm so sorry, I betrayed your trust and—”

“Sheam. Stop. It’s okay. You kept me focused on the danger all around us, rather than immediately losing my shit. I even proved you right. That rage I was in? I wanted to hurt something, anything, as badly as I was hurting. Sheam, baby, I could have killed you.”

I just listened to her, unsure of what to say.

She continued after kissing my hand. “You remember, right? After I found out we had lost Flo? I fucking folded. I could have gotten you out of there. Instead, I froze. I crumbled to dust. I was letting those fucking children drag me away. Fuck, Sheam, for a second there I forgot my own name.”

“Shit, Kaite, how did you—”

She laughed. “Long story. I made it out with the others, though. That’s what’s important, right? I got my shit together, and moved.”

I just nodded. “They’re lucky they had a goddess to watch over them,” I said, realizing that I was calming down.

She snorted again. “You’re god-damned right they were.”

This time, I pulled her hand to my lips, and kissed it.

Her eyes softened, but then her face dropped. “If we keep doing this shit, I'm going to have to get used to the idea that one day, one of us isn't coming home. We… I need to be the kind of person you all can still depend on when my friends start falling.”

Her words stung my heart. “I am so glad Jaegré is ok. I can’t imagine how you’d feel if he hadn’t been. I don’t want to ima—”

“Babe, and I mean this affectionately, but get your head out of your ass and unplug your ears. I’m trying to tell you I've accepted what happened. If that isn't enough, how about this — even if the worst had happened, even if both he and Flo were gone forever, and even it it had been directly your fault, I’d still understand that shit like that happens when you’re fucking around with evil, powerful people, and still stand by you — until my last breath. Sheam, I… fucking hell — I love you. Fuck, why does that feel so scary to say?”

I let out a little gasp of joy. “I love you too, Kaite.”

“Finally figured it out?” she asked. Her smile kissed mine.

I stayed in the moment, trying to let what she said sink in. We were quiet for a good white. She was stroking my chin and throat with a feather-soft touch.

Finally, she spoke again. “Jaegré, though… We talked about it — really talked — probably the first real talk he and I had ever had.

“The truth is, he did need it — in spite of what he said in the moment. Thinking back, before now, I am not sure he’d ever made a decision for himself beyond strangling Randall. He had just let the delegates take him and they put him in a cell. After I broke him free, he was just sort of… along for the ride. He was always so calm because he just accepted that he was never in control. Maybe that’s why he was always sort of stuck in-between. He didn’t know who he was, just who he wasn’t.

“He’s different now, and I don’t just mean physically. Different in ways that will take me some time to get used to. But he’s also happier, more himself. I think I am going to like this him. So, yeah.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. She was making a lot of sense. I brought her hand to my face, holding it there, so happy to hear and feel that she was okay now. “I was so scared of losing all of you,” I whispered, the tears suddenly flooding back anew. “When I was with Delphiné I thought I had. I felt so alone.”

“We all were, hey, baby, you were not alone, and we were all afraid.” she said, stroking my tears away. “Did you see me? I was shitting myself.”

“You make me feel brave,” I said, feeling pathetic.

“I think there’s a lot of that going around. It’s a good team we somehow managed to make by accident, in spite of ourselves — well, also Greg’s here. But, good job. You did that, you know? For years it was just me and Jaegré. Then you and Flo show up, and before we know it, poof — there’s fucking eight of us. Fuck sakes, woman.”

I laughed, but then winced from the pain. She held my hand, stroked my face, and watched over me with eyes that were no longer afraid to show love.

We stayed like that for a long while, until my tears had dried up.

“Doing okay there?” She spoke barely above a whisper.

I nodded.

“I know you have Flo to look after you, but from what she described, you had a pretty rough time with Delphiné.”

“Yeah,” I said, smiling gently. “It's a lot to process. I'm not sure what my head is going to do with most of it. It's a storm in there.”

“I can listen,” she said, kissing my hand again. 

I was quiet for a long time. “I have a whole lot of unresolved stuff with my real mother. Delphiné did honestly remind me of her. But you know what scares me? If it had been my actual mother, and actually knew what I truly longed for, and had offered it, really offered it, I would have fallen in line. I know I would have—”

“No, you fucking wouldn’t,” she cut in.

I blinked.

She scoffed. “Look, I can’t imagine for an instant that you’d fundamentally change who you are just because some old lady asked you to.”

I let out a laugh as a single breath, and then winced again. The cracked rib would take some getting used to.

Her demeanor softened again. She spoke while stroking my hair. “I can not comprehend, in a thousand years, you folding to someone like Delphiné or whoever that mother of yours was — sorry if I am being a bitch about it, but the fact that Delphiné reminds you of her… fuck, babe. I am so sorry.”

I gave a shallow laugh. “In some ways, but not others. My mother was… she had a very clear idea of the way things ought to be, and… Fuck, you know there really is one way that those two were similar? They were both always so ready to assume victory. They even did a similar head gesture, like tipping their chin up just slightly, as soon as they decided they had won the argument. Any time I acted conciliatory or showed gratitude, even mockingly, or, like, pretended I was giving her ground, she would—”

Kaite began to snore in her chair.

I smiled, and let her have her rest. It could wait. Had she, by now, lost as much blood as I had? I wasn't sure how it worked.

“Sheam?” Flo stirred. Her voice was thick with sleep.

“Yeah, baby?”

“In the meadow, the other day, you called me Ephe.”

I was startled. “Oh, gosh, I didn't realize. I'm so sorry—”

“No, it was nice. I liked it. I think I miss the sound of how you used to say it. I'm still Florence but I like how you used to say it. I think I want to be called that again. Maybe just by you.”

I felt so warm inside. “The letter F, or E-P-H-E?”

“I dunno,” she said, clearly fading back into slumber. “Both? Whichever.”

“You can decide when you’re awake.”

“Okay baby.” She seemed to drift off but then stirred again. “It's okay, right?” she said with a concerned whine. “I'm not taking a step backwards am I? By liking my old name and wanting to keep it. For liking the sound of it.”

“Flo, Ephe, my love. It's your name. It can be whatever you want.”

She made a big yawn. “Mmmm, kay.”

I paused, rolling it over in my head. “Well, it’s Florence Ephemeral, right?”

She nodded and murmured, “Princess Starshine.”

“Florence Ephemeral… F-E,” I mused. “Ephie?”

“Ephe… Eee,” she breathed.

Kaite stopped snoring and took a breath. Without warning she was climbing into the bed with us. It groaned slightly under the added weight.

Suddenly we were both wrapped up in her strong arms. It felt like the painkillers were fading, but it was joyful to feel her embracing me. Ephie squeaked.

“Love you two,” Kaite said, the quietest whisper.

“I love you, too,” I whispered back.

“Love, you, two, too…” Ephe, said, fading back to sleep.

I realized that nothing was stopping any of us from staying in bed until sundown. I wanted to stay with them through the night, feeling so safe and loved in the embraces of a princess and a goddess.

There is so much still yet to be done. There are loose ends. We should begin again in the morning. There’s no time to waste.

It was true — we weren’t finished. “Alright,” I whispered aloud. “Back to work, then. I can rest when it’s done. When it’s all done.”

Yes, when it’s all done.

Is it ever really done, though? Isn’t there always something?

That is true. There is always something.

So a little rest now won’t really hurt, will it?

No, I suppose not. Fine. Just this once.

I considered the morning again, but instead of work, I thought about making coffee, and then breakfast, and who would come out of their bedrooms when. I thought about what we’d do with our morning together, and then our afternoon. It would be lazy. It would be calm. I thought about how we’d spend our evening, how we’d laugh, how maybe one of us would cry, and how many hugs and kisses whoever it was would get.

It seemed like a perfect day.

“Let’s do that, for just one day, before the work resumes,” I whispered to myself. “Finally.”

— end part 3