1:59 p.m.

It is only a result of senseless procrastination and anxiety that I've brought upon myself for no reason, that I am here, utterly devoid of practice for the piano pieces that I was supposed to have finished by now. "It's alright," I tell myself. "I still have 3 more hours to practice," I tell myself. In the end, the very act of doing becomes more daunting than the act itself. I fathom that it is all psychological, all if it remains in my mind which I've been trying to combat since I've acknowledged it as a problem. 

The only irony in such a problem is that it inhibits me from changing or even trying to act against it. It has consumed me fully, beyond the point which I can salvage it, so why bother? I refuse. I refuse to accept that. That's why I keep struggling.

5:16 p.m.

On the car now. I've done whatever I can. Only if there is a way to willingly break this cycle, of-

8:53 p.m.

The piece that I've struggled to play since the first time I've picked it up months ago, I performed it horribly in class. Barely even a coherent piece at all. At this point, I want to break away from this cycle that puts me in this loop of constantly struggling in a way I find meaningless, so I requested my teacher that I change to another piece instead of the current one which I am struggling heavily with. She told me however that since I've struggled on it for so long, she would not grant that until I master the piece entirely to some degree. Of course, I would be frustrated at that, then she gave me her motives.

"If you are easily giving up on a piece like this, how can you ever tackle harder pieces in the future?"

Simply, I wanted to say id like to forget about tackling any more pieces. But at a second thought, this would only be the same as my venture into arts. I've dedicated so much effort already, into music, into my paintings which I've regrettably given up a few years ago, to this very novel that I'm writing, what would these hardships mean if they were all resulting in me giving up halfway down the road? Would it be a waste, or is it all a sunken cost fallacy?

In life, however, there is no true "losing" or "winning" within it. Perhaps in this instance, I would lose nothing in dedicating myself further into my struggles, at least struggles that are sensible. If I were to make a brash decision to cut off everything that I've been living for and dedicating myself to, if one day in the future I refound this direction and dedication to desire such a style of living, well, I would have no choice to do so. Struggling now gives me this safety net of sorts to soften my regrets, and that's...... 

Sophism.

I've never learned to stomach regretting something as a result. All of these regrets lament on an already dead past, one that is transparent to its core. All it's done is given me a disdain for it, not however the comprehension required to accept and live with it. All of these things that I've ended are like strings attached to my heart. I may cut off the ends of some that I feel are pulling me down, but I've cut the string too far down that it leaves a stray thread pulling behind. All of these threads, they tangle together, eventually forming a type of weight that is permanently tugging on me, unable to be untangled and cut individually. Perhaps, there is a way not to cut it at its length, but directly from the heart as a whole. 

That's why for now, ill expend whatever effort I can to make sure this piece is performed to the best of my ability. Whatever that may be. I don't want it to become another thread I will have to pull. It doesn't have the be that way, ever again.

11:52 p.m.

Tonight's night sky is tranquil as usual. Especially the streetlights at night, with their warm, orange glow. It is the only source of sanctuary for me, from whatever that goes on in life. At least, a window of fresh air. Whatever that may be at this moment of time.