If you ever considered becoming a popular figure, an idol, or maybe even a saint … let it be. Directly after the goddess did her little stunt, some of the humans already started talking about a miracle, while others immediately started to see me as their saviour. They couldn’t be more off.

I didn´t have the time to converse with them though as quite a few priests fell on their knees. Truly, for them, I must have been their everything. One by one, all fell either on their knees, or in the case of the king, bowed respectfully. I didn´t dislike that development as it opened quite a few more doors, but it still had a salty aftertaste. I didn´t want to rely on the goddess at all. I neither trusted her, nor believed she wouldn’t pressure me into doing more for her.

Thus, I was planning to play along, but make it incredibly hard for her to change the mind of the humans around me. It was time to put a little damper on the humans around me.

“There is no need to bow.” I said loudly. Mary, kind of forced to kneel as well immediately stood up and winked in my direction. She got what she wanted. There would be no murders that day.

As the others were still quite reluctant to stand up, I strode towards the bishop and touched his shoulders respectfully.

“You may rise.” I said nicely. Slowly, he followed my wish and stood up. Even though he probably had a hard time accepting he had to look down towards me, he still looked in my eyes. The fever and happiness I noticed in his eyes was enough for me that some of what I planned may be hopeless.

“A saint has been selected by the gods…” He muttered quietly. I could even spot a tear of happiness in the corner of his eyes as he continued, this time towards the audience. “for hundreds of years, there has not been a single saint. But today, we witnessed a miracle. Our spiritual leader has been selected!”

One of the priests was immediately knocked out by the sheer pressure he must have felt. The way his body collapsed was quite funny to watch but was ignored for the most part by anyone except me.

“The only question is if you agree to take up that role given by the gods.” I had a choice? I loved choices! For example, I always liked the choice of making pancakes with or without sparkling water. Truly, both were lovable dishes, so the choice was lovable as well … I hated this particular choice though. I had the option of possibly angering one god and gain very little benefit or angering another with no benefits at all. That wasn’t a great choice.

“I … I agree.” I said timidly. Let´s anger Aska even more. At least I could call myself saint this way. Once again, the bishop bowed in front of me and smiled happily.

“And we have a winner! You are our millionth visitor! Congratulations! Here is your reward: Two hundred years of suffering!” Shouted the goddess into my right ear. I nearly balled my hands into fists but stopped as soon as I remembered nobody except me could hear her.

“I will do my best to live up to your expectations.” I said after a short pause.

“We will begin with introducing you to all the popes at once.” The bishop added, completely ignoring all the influential figures as he guided me towards a side exit. I let myself fall a bit behind, so that I could talk to the goddess who still followed me.

“Could you please shut up?” I whispered as we were in a rather desolate hallway, away from all the ruckus breaking out in the main room.

“Don´t be like that. You are my saint now! We need to have somewhat friendly relations. Look look, I even do the first step. Give me your glasses.”

“What would you need them for?” I whispered once more. The bishop led me to a simple room with a wide bed, but otherwise no other notable features except maybe the old wardrobe in the corner. He excused himself shortly afterwards but added he would be back in no time.

“Oh, come on. I am a goddess; I created all life on every planet. Why are you this distrustful?” She pouted and finally pulled her hood backwards, revealing her light green hair. Reluctantly, I pulled out my glasses from underneath the dress and threw them towards her. She held it in her hands for several seconds and even caressed the frame until she snapped out of it again and walked towards me cheerful. “If I may.”

He put the glasses on my nose and smiled happily while I frowned in distrust. “What have you done?” I asked and picked up the glasses again. Seemingly, they looked exactly like before, but I couldn’t be so sure she did nothing with it.

“Nothing.” She said and chuckled loudly. Reluctantly, I threw the glasses under the bed and sat down on the soft mattress.

“What do you want?” I asked, getting angrier every second.

“Nothing, I´m just waiting here.” She admitted and sat down beside me. Silently, we waited for the bishop to come back while she fiddled more than once with her robe and my dress. I let her do as she pleased, but still glared at her from time to time.

“You have a really nice figure. I´m sure you will look beautiful when you grow up.” Thanks, but not thanks? After all, I would never grow up.

“…” I didn´t say anything and rather endured how she fussed around me.

“And your hair! I´m jealous. This blonde … looks really golden. What do you use?” She asked, running her fingers through my hair while I sat completely still.

“I usually dip it in blood every night. Before you ask, I use the organs of virgins for my skin.” I commented drily.

“Really? Maybe I should try that out as well … why don’t we take a blood bath?” She grinned wryly, but finally let go of my hair.

“Fuck off.” Her provocation did not go unnoticed, but luckily, the bishop came back, following a rather tall, white haired man, a second after I said this. The man immediately walked gracefully towards me and knelt before me.

“It is an honour to meet your holiness.” The man said, while I was cringing inside. Your holiness? That would take a lot of time to get accustomed to.

Bitterly, I smiled and hopped off the bed. I knelt down right in front of him and looked into his eyes the moment he lifted his head out of surprise.

“I did nothing to deserve your admiration. So please, rise and talk to me from human to human on equal terms.”

“If you say so …” He certainly had another opinion, but nonetheless stood up after I did so. Happily, I looked into his eyes and noticed the same fever I saw in the bishop´s eyes. “I am sure you know my name already, but I am Pope Dustin. I know this is all incredibly sudden for you, but it really means a lot for us, no all of humanity, to have you.”

“But there is a catch!” Exclaimed the goddess to my side. Didn´t she have anything else to do? I don’t know, wash her clothes or something?

“It was prophesised you would appear one day and lead us out of the darkness that would eventually befall us.” Why would I ever want to do that? I loved the darkness! I didn´t need these dumb glasses then, could do whatever I wished and cause mayhem.

“He´s not telling you? Ohh, he´s scared you will reject him.” The goddess to my side commented, which honestly intrigued me a bit.

“There is no need to feel scared though, we will always be by your side and guard you till our death.”

“I do not want that. I have a mother who can protect me as well. I understand you do not want to lose me, but I also cannot bear losing her. You said I was the hope of all humanity and in conclusion, all the different churches. I do not want to place one god above the other. Pope Dustin, I am honoured by your offer, but I do not wish nor cannot live here.” As far as I was aware, there could be only one saint, meaning all the gods selected this role together. I didn´t know how the goddess of life pulled it off, but either the other gods agreed on me, or they would be forced to in the future. Well, she certainly didn´t see any problems currently as she was humming quite loudly to my right.

“I can see now why the gods picked you.” Could he? I certainly couldn’t. “But please, allow me to explain your role clearly. We will follow you, no matter where you point, but you need to consider all the different beliefs in this country. While one decision may be beneficial to one church, it will upset the other.” He said the one thing, but meant something entirely different. They would follow me, as much as it suited them. There was absolutely no way to make every different church follow me at this point.

“I am not supposed to deal with earthly matters and let them be handled by the kingdom. I know what the gods asked me to do very well. I have read the scriptures in the past.” I said, glossing over his words completely.

Fascinated and surprised, the pope could only nod while the goddess to my side laughed loudly.

“Did you know we wrote these texts while we were completely wasted? I mean, you will now have to wait three days and three nights until every pope of every church pays you their respects and then you go to the king to do what exactly again …” to agree to the equality of state and belief. This position of the saint had absolutely nothing good for me to offer at this point. Sure, I could order a few priests and nuns around, but that was about it. Even worse, the popes were still the head of their church which meant I was more or less only a popular figurehead for now. Well, it was better that others had an incentive to follow me because of their faith, than because they wanted my head.

“I will guide you to your room now … this is not acceptable.” Dustin looked around the room and frowned slightly. The bishop probably wanted to disappear into thin air at this moment and remained behind as the pope and I walked out of the room. Naturally, the invisible goddess followed suit.

The pope led me towards a luxurious bedroom, similar to that of my own. He excused himself rather swiftly as he probably had to prepare a lot for the arrival of his peers, but nonetheless offered help with whatever I needed. I thanked him and was thus left alone in the spacious room … with a goddess.

“Three days?” I asked and threw myself on the bed.

“Three days.” She answered, strangely happy.

“And you don’t want to go away?” I asked, my voice muffled by the mattress.

“Ouch, that hurts. Naturally, I will stick by your side for a while.” She claimed and sat down on the bed as well.

“Where is the next rope?” I asked, turning around to face the ceiling.

“You could use the robes in the wardrobe, but I doubt you will find any spot on the ceiling to secure them to.” She said carelessly. She had absolutely no trouble speaking about suicide, even though she was the goddess of life.

“Don’t worry, I´m creative.”

In the end, I didn´t kill myself. Neither did I do so as I greeted the pope of death, a slimy middle aged men I definitely didn´t want to meet in the middle of the day. I also survived the thirst I felt during this time and I also lived through the horror as every pope met in the same room. At least none of them touched me out of reverence, which made it slightly better.

Some even declared their unwillingness to follow my lead directly. Ironically, the pope of death was a vocal figure among those, if he was not downright hostile to me in the first place … if he knew about my relation to Aska, he would surely act differently. Well, those that normal humans considered as ‘good’ faiths generally chose to bow to me while the ‘evil’ did so as well, if only on the surface. All of them, had one thing in common though: They wouldn’t even lift a finger if I asked them to help me.

And all of them had one problem, even though they tried their best to hide it in front of me. They couldn’t stand each other. The beliefs in this country were so fractured that it was quite hard to channel their powers in one direction. If I would appease to the church of life, I would antagonize the church of death. If I didn´t try to appease anyone, nobody would move for my sake.

So much for gaining influence within every church there was.

So much for ruling over the clergy …

So much for gaining a pawn I could use whenever I wanted …

“You made this on purpose.” I said during the last day of my stay in the cathedral.

“I don’t know what you mean.” The goddess, clad in a bright dress she stole from somewhere, said.

“Seriously? You were part of the group that invented the position of the saint. Placing me one step lower than every pope means I have basically no power on my own and thus, I need to cater to all the popes.”

“But … but …” She stuttered, but I could see the amusement in her eyes. “… did you think we would give you a great position without any second thought? Being a saint is not a position, it is more of a role you will fulfil. And you already accepted, so stop crying.”

“Oh, shut up. That’s why I hate your kind.” I exclaimed and threw a pillow at her. It harmlessly flew right through her.

“On a sidenote, Aska agreed as well.” She claimed which made me stop my movement to grab the next one.

“Why?” I asked, completely taken off guard by the revelation.

“I think he had multiple reasons. While your position isn´t immensely powerful, it is still on par with the king, at least prestige wise. You won´t need to bow to anyone in the future and you won´t need to abide by noble rules anymore. Isn´t that great? You can help all the poor citizens all you want now! And wow, the issue with the three dukes is solved now as well. They cannot work against you anymore except they want to deal with the churches.”

“One could think this position is actually beneficial then …” I mumbled, even though I knew there was a catch.

“For now.” She said and vanished out of my sight.

Being the saint … seriously sucked. No real powers, an endless amount of hope stacked on one from the peasantry, and churches that would try to influence me whenever they could.