Breathe in … breathe out … feel it. Feel! FEEL! 

My hand dug into the sand, found a rather unfortunate worm and squeezed it to death. I could feel the wetness in my hands, felt the organs on my skin, but death itself? For a few weeks, I was already sitting here at this shitty beach, meditating and trying to feel.

Ever stuck your hand in a black box with weird shit inside to guess what it was? That was what I was trying to do, except that I could feel nothing in the first place. Guessing where I could find death itself was thus an impossible task. How do you find something you cannot feel? And how do you feel something you cannot find? It was a vicious circle of not knowing and not being able to learn. 

And so, I tried to find places where death was abundant. I focused on the sand I was sitting on and tried to feel something below it. Somewhere down there, there had to be fossils, there had to be something dead … but I could feel nothing. I still focused on trying to feel anything below me for several weeks, unwilling to give up. 

Nothing.

And even after these weeks, I didn´t go back to Aska like a little puppy with my tail in between my legs. These times were long over. Instead, I focused on the dead leaves on the ground, trying to find anything within them … nothing. Either plants didn´t fall under being alive, or they weren’t dead enough … burning them didn´t reveal anything either, except a cloud of smoke of course.

And so, I tried to find something I could kill and concentrated on their death … nothing. Not the little worm and certainly not the crab on my stick could be used as a learning material. Maybe if I had humans - a lot of them - I could progress a bit but I honestly doubted even that.

Sadly, even though I hated it, I had no other choice but to return to the border after a few months. My progress was zero, and even though I was furious about my own inability, I knew that treading on the same spot would bring me nothing. 

“Do you have any idea how shitty you are as a teacher?” I hissed once I threw a branch at Aska.

“You the person who didn´t teach her own pupil much.” He said, stupefying me a little bit.

“Shut up! That between Hannah and me was different …” I said, even though my reasoning was sloppy. Sure, I did teach her a bit of dagger fighting that apparently elevated her a bit above the common assassin, but otherwise? I had to admit that my teaching methods were a bit too cruel and maybe slightly ineffective sometimes …

“Sure, sure. What´s the problem?” He asked innocently.

“I cannot feel death!” I growled angrily.

“Hmm … I can tell you where you will find it.” He said and pointed towards his own cheek.

“Fuck. You.” I presented him my middle finger, quite furious about the audacity he had. “… you said this in front of me is just a husk … a box of death covered by ugly wrapping paper?” I asked, already thinking about my next steps again.

“Ugly … and I thought this nineteen year old body looked quite handsome.” He said and went through his blonde hair like the selfish prick he was. At least he didn´t refute my statement in general, which could only mean …

Closing my eyes, I searched for death where I guessed it to be the least. I went within me, deep into my own immortal consciousness and found …

“FUCK!” Still nothing. I could feel how my soul was still damaged, could very clearly state where the damage came from, but had no clue where I was supposed to find death there. My guess was that if it was within Aska, it had to be inside me as well. I mean, why wouldn’t it? 

Stomping onto the ground angrily, I ruffed my hair and kicked into the beach below. Sand flew everywhere as I let my rage out of my heart for once. Sadly, even that didn´t help at all. Incredibly frustrated and angry, I could only glare at Aska before standing up again, sand everywhere on my body. 

“What … do I need to do?” I growled, still angry.

“Hmm I could give you a deathly hug?” He said and grinned wryly.

“I am not here to satisfy you incestuous fetishes!” I screamed and stomped the sand once more. 

“Too bad … in that case, I don’t know what to do.” He admitted and shrugged cluelessly.

“FUCK!” I shouted and kicked a mound of sand. As soon as I turned around to Aska again, I heard how the sand splashed into the water and tilted my head with interest. “I am so dumb.” I said, turned towards the water and started sprinting.

“Wait!” Aska screamed, but I didn´t care. I dashed across the only two metres distancing myself from the ocean, stepped into a wave flowing onto the island and nearly blacked out from just that. My next step was even worse as the water reached unto my ankles and my whole leg cramped. I could only see the water coming closer to me as my throat clamped shut.

Falling into the water like a rock was seriously bad for my mental health. I could feel my emotions run rampant inside me, driving me to flail around wildly in panic. But honestly? Remembering all these deaths worked wonders. 

I didn’t even know how I could turn my attention inwards, but I could feel it. A cold, but gentle breeze caressing my soul, mending the wounds Aska inflicted onto me slowly. It felt like the cold atmosphere of purgatory, the chilly, but still beautifully gentle autumn breeze, and it felt like … it felt like … it felt like my own soul. Cold and untouchable. 

Only as Aska grabbed around my wrist to pull me out of the water did the slow healing of my soul stop entirely. At first, I was spewing out water of my mouth, but then, my mad laughter echoed through the night. 

Death. I couldn´t find it within me as I was death … a mini Aska so to speak. And any experience with death, even those that tore on my soul because of all the accompanying feelings did heal me. 

“FUCK YES!” I screamed and struggled against Aska´s grip. I wanted to experience this one more time, even though I had to take a dive under the scary water once more. But he wouldn’t let me for a very good reason.

I turned completely crazy. Crazy not from death, but rather from the helplessness I experienced diving underwater.

I punched his sides, bit into his clothing just so that I could get back into the water. I wanted to drown. I needed to feel death more and more, no matter the cost. 

“Lucinda, get a grip on yourself!” He shouted into my ear and finally let me down on the ground, only to pin my shoulders on it. 

“Let me … leave me alone!” I growled, my eyes glued to the water the whole time until he grabbed my cheeks and forced me to look into his blue eyes. 

“Feel it!” He said and for a short moment, I let my attention turn inwards again. I could feel my soul healing at a rapid speed as an unimaginable amount of death itself flooded into me. I had no near-death experience, but I was still near death itself. And feeling it was probably exactly what he desired.

I wanted that feeling, just like I wanted to feel life. It felt like I was complete with this influx of this strange energy, or whatever it was. And I wanted more. As soon as he noticed that my red eyes didn´t move away from him anymore, I grabbed around his neck and pulled myself towards him. 

My lips greedily touched his and with that, more death flowed into me …