I wake up to my alarm, which is weird. Hannah usually wakes me before that happens, at least on the days I remember to turn it on. Starting my day with her has been my routine for so long I prefer it.

It's actually earlier than I thought, I'll have some extra time this morning, and that isn't a bad thing.

Yesterday was a lot, and I enjoyed most of it. I think.

Everything’s pretty clear until Hannah and I went to our bedroom, things are a little hazy from there, but it’s probably stress. I vaguely remember dinner with Mom, Dad and the girls all going home, but the rest is a blur.

What I do know is that I'm freezing, but it reminds me of brain freeze. When I open my eyes, I see Hannah's fingers pulling away from my face.

"Morning, John." Hannah's emphasizing my name. Did I upset her last night?

I hope not.

"Hey, Hannah. How was your sleep?"

There's a frown in her voice and on her face. "I was up a lot but slept decently when I did."

I'm still waking up, but I feel rested, mostly. Even with the fleeting cold, my head is pounding, but yesterday was stressful with a lot of emotional swings; I'm not surprised I feel almost hungover or at least how I imagine it feels. Did I do my homework? 

"Did you want to stay home today and get a little extra rest?" It's not like Hannah needs to go to school, even if I like her company. If she's feeling under the weather or something, Hannah should rest.

'No!" Hannah shakes her head. "Sorry,  no, John." She emphasizes my name again. "Sorry, I'm off this morning. You should get ready for school."

Yeah, I should, but Hannah's acting really weird. Weird enough, I pull her into a hug. "What's going on with you?"

 "Nothing new, just stuff." She deflects. Stuff, yeah, right.

"Hannah, you've been acting weird for a couple of weeks, and I'm getting worried." I'm terrified, really. I was before yesterday, and everything that went on, the feeling is worse today.

"You're a fine one to talk about acting weird." Oh, sarcasm, wonderful. What's that supposed to mean, though? Hannah even pulls out of the hug.

"You're snappish this morning." 

"Yes, because..." Hannah trails off and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, and I am sorry, John. I'm not angry at you. My head is a messy place right now, and I'm taking some of it out on you."

My headache isn't helping my mood either, so we're both at fault. "Sorry, too, my head is pounding. I'm going to go shower and see if the steam helps." And if not, maybe breakfast will.

Hannah looks guilty but nods. "You should, yeah." I'm just slipping off the bed when Hannah grabs my hand. "I love you, and I don't want you to be hurt."

I squeeze her hand. "I love you too, and you've helped me so much, Hannah."

There's more I should say, and Hannah looks like she might too, but we both keep our silence as I go to get ready.

The lipgloss isn't on the counter; maybe I left it somewhere else yesterday? Ah, well, I was going to deliberately apply it this morning, but that's fine. 

I still tease out my hair the way Hannah showed me, with the exception of what Kristy did to it yesterday. I like it more than anything else I've ever done with my hair.

Mom is in the kitchen drinking coffee again when I come down with Hannah by my side. She seems to be sticking close, which is nice.

"Hi, Mom. How are you?" And why is she still here? It's like a mirror from yesterday.

"I'm really good. I'm going in late today, and I'm not bothering Kristy." Mom's smile turns a little sly. "Though, I will say hello to her before you both leave."

Of course, she will. 

I actually like having a chance to see and chat with Mom before I head to school. It's reassuring, and with how things have changed and are looking to potentially change, I need that right now.

A touchstone.

"You're down a bit early yourself, eager to start your day?"

"Have a headache, so I wanted to get breakfast." And I'm not hiding in my room until after Mom leaves anymore. Talking to her isn't a chore, especially after the weekend.

We're reconnecting and exploring potentially life-changing decisions. Having a brief chat in the morning is just nice.

Mom frowns and checks my forehead. "Not warm, but we'll keep an eye on it. Could be emotional; yesterday had a lot of peaks and valleys."

Way too many; hopefully, today will be better; just a normal day...Shit.

"I'll be home late today; there's a cheerleader practice after school." My first after officially joining the team, well, being drafted onto the team. Same difference.

There are pastries on the counter that weren't there last night, someone must have run out this morning for them—lucky me, I grab two. Tea is tempting, but I really don't have the time to properly enjoy it.

Hannah grins at me as she grabs an echo of my blackberry Danish and sticks her tongue out at me, and that makes me smile. It's such a Hannah thing. It's so normal for her; it's reassuring, especially since she keeps glancing at me.

Why, though?

"Your Father is working late again, and I have a rescheduled meeting with Merry at five, so it sounds like it's a look-after-yourself day for dinner. If you're not feeling well, take a nap when you get home tonight."

"I will." Wasn't there something else going on today? Wait, wasn't Payton coming over for dinner tonight? Shit. "I forgot about Pay."

Mom's up and wrapping her arms around me before Hannah can, and she says, "She and I discussed it yesterday; we're going to reschedule."

That's great, but I still forgot. 

Payton is barely back in my life, and I just forgot about her, about plans that would have meant everything to me a month ago.

How did I just forget?

"Thanks, Mom." 

There must have been a hitch or something in my voice because Mom gently takes my chin in her hand and smiles at me. "It's okay you forgot; it's okay to make mistakes, just like when I was teaching you to draw."

It might be okay, but it still feels shitty.

"I know, but it's Payton, and I forgot, I forgot." What if she finds out and doesn't want to be my friend anymore? I lost her once, and I don't think I can go through that again.

Mom says something, but I can't hear her. I'm too caught up in losing Pay again. We've been reconnecting, but if I'm a bad friend, she'll leave.

It's only when a cold chill starts spreading up my right arm that I see Hannah grasping my hand tightly. "You're fine, John. Everything will be fine."

"John!" Mom says suddenly, and between that and the cold, it shocks me out of my spiral.

"Sorry, Mom." She hugs me again, and Hannah looks at me with worry. Since Mom can't see my face, I smile at Hannah. "Thanks."

"Are these the kind of mood swings you were talking about?"

Friday can't come soon enough. Hopefully, Penelope can help me with this kind of stuff. I know enough to know that these reactions aren't healthy.

"Yeah, they've been happening more and more. Ever since the incident with Dennis. It probably just jarred something loose." That's really all I can guess at, I almost died, and it shattered any sense of balance I had.

"I'll book you in Doctor Mercer, and we can see if there's any physical cause." Mom pauses before she says. "It could be hormonal."

It could honestly be from any number of things, but a check-up wouldn't hurt. Between that and my appointments with Penelope, we should be able to figure it out.

I hope.

There's a ding from Mom's phone, and that means we both need to get going. Honestly, that's the last thing I want to do. 

Mom taps the table where my uneaten pastries are; I completely forgot about them. "I'm going to wrap these; eat them when you get to school." She's up out of her chair and back almost before I can blink, with two separate wrapped packages. "Give one to Kristy.'"

Oh, Mom.

"Love you."

I walk out to Kristy's car, bracketed by Mom and Hannah; it helps a lot to keep me grounded right now. I slide into the car as Mom walks around to the driver's side.

Kristy's already rolling down her window. "Morning, Diane."

"Hi, Kristy, I just wanted to wish you a good day before I head to work." Mom's eyes flick over to me, and Kristy follows. Mom's worried about me, and I get that, but she doesn't need to get the girls to look after me.

Probably.

Hannah, meanwhile, frowns a little at Kristy before she slides into my lap. That's a little strange. Hannah likes Kristy; she was pushing us together.

What changed?

Or is Hannah frowning for some other reason?

"I hope you have one, too. Jay will be home late, but I don't know if you know."

Mom knows, barely, but I mentioned it! I'm not that bad at talking to Mom and keeping her in the loop. At least not anymore. I'm trying to be better, but I just have things to talk about now.

Well, good things to talk about.

"I'll text you when I get home tonight, Mom. Let you know if I'm sleeping." Even if the headache isn't a problem anymore, I might just be tired from practice.

I assume it's going to be something like yesterday, but it will be longer. Who knows? Wait, do I need to wear a uniform today?

Fuck!

"Have a good day at school, both of you." Then Mom goes to her car, and we're on our way to school. Hopefully, we don't need to run across campus again, but I'm not sure that I'm actually up for that today.

"So, I didn't eat my breakfast, and Mom sent some along for you, just some pastries." I wiggle my hands, Kristy's driving, and she can't eat right now

"That's sweet of her, and you for delivering. Jay, about yesterday?"

"No regrets, honestly. I'm feeling good today. I'm scared, just in general, and last night was a lot, but I don't regret it."

I feel mostly positive about it. I'm not about to make a decision, and there's no one direction I'm leaning in. Avoiding making a decision is my priority right now, and figuring out what’s going on with Hannah.

Penelope can help me figure it out or direct me to someone who can. I hope.

Being trans isn't something I had even thought about before yesterday, and it's in my head, and that's the other problem. A lingering voice telling me that I'm not a girl.

Is it doubt or something else?

"Jay, I'm not pressuring you, and I don't want your decision to involve me. Take your time; you're still my friend either way."

It still catches me off guard sometimes that I went from being alone to having people in my life again so rapidly and that they became so important to me so quickly.

I've talked to Kristy about things I never expected to, and she's right to point out that any decision I make about my life needs to be about me, not her and me.

Not even in potentia.

"I appreciate that, and you, Kristy. Now, let's get to class."

I'm still not used to the eyes that watch me every day; far too many people are interested in my business and in my life. That actually makes me more worried about potentially being trans.

I'm not sure anyone would have noticed if I had shown up dressed differently and using a new name two months ago. Now, everyone would; the entire school would be talking about me.

Yes, I'm in good with the cheerleaders, but that might just make things worse, not better.

If I decide that yes, I am trans, maybe I should just get my records changed with Calarts and show up next year as a freshman girl and not worry about changing anything now?

That's worth thinking about.

"John, I'll see you at lunch, take care, okay?"

"Definitely. See you at lunch." Part of me wants to linger, to walk Kristy to class, just to get another few minutes with her, but I manage to pull myself away from her and head to homeroom.

Hannah hovers over me as I make my way through the hall. She says, "John, do you remember what we talked about last night?" I frown at her. Is that why she's upset at me? I can't remember something important.

There are enough people around me. I pull out my phone.

"Nothing specific, sorry, Hannah. I can't even remember if I finished my homework. Last night is blurry; it's probably just from stress, though." I hope that's all it is.

I'm surprised Hannah looks guilty. Did she say or do something she's having problems with today? "You really don't remember?"

"Nothing specific after we went upstairs, but you're fine with this whole thing, right? If it's something I want?" If Hannah's answer isn't yes, I'm turning around and walking back home; I won't be able to handle classes with Hannah's rejection casting a shadow over today.

I have two minutes at best before the bell rings, but I stop caring about that when Hannah pulls me into a hug. "I love you, and I don't have any problems with trans people. I'm a ghost, not a bigot. But." The bell rings, and for half a second, I consider ignoring it, but I walk into class and find my desk before my legs give out, 'But' what? And unfortunately, Hannah doesn't clarify.

She just looks guilty, and her 'but' is echoing like a gunshot.

***

I haven't been able to focus at all; the entire day is a blur, and it's worse than last night. It's more like walking around in a fog. Hannah made herself scarce, too. She said it was to look into Kristy more, but I don't believe her.

'But'

 It feels like our entire friendship is hinged on it. The girls are worried about me; I picked at my lunch, barely spoke to anyone today, and it's almost time for practice.

All I want to do is go home and curl up under my blankets, but I can't do that without letting everyone down.

It sucks.

Payton chattered all art class; we didn't even work on our assignments. She just talked to distract me, but I don't remember what she specifically said. She's clearly worried, and Payton isn't the only one Kristy's been watching me all period. Honestly, I'm not even sure if she's blinked once; it's a little unsettling.

'But'.

Hannah, where are you? What did you mean?

'But'.

The bell finally rings, and this day is almost over. I'm not even sure how long practice is or what's expected of me today.

'But'.

How can such a simple word be causing me such distress?

"Jay?" There's a pause. "Jay, are you alright?" It takes a minute before I realise it's Kristy talking to me.

"Sorry, what?"

"Class ended a few minutes ago; we need to get to practice." 

Maybe that will help distract me. Getting up, exercising, and being with the team—I hope that helps. I need to know what Hannah meant; it's going to drive me crazy until she tells me.

"Okay, sorry." Kristy's frowning at me a lot, but I grab my bag and start heading towards the gym; she grabs my hand and tugs me in the other direction, towards the field.

"We're outside today, but you're sidelined." 

That's fine with me because I'm still not sure about being a cheerleader, but what is Kristy talking about?

"I'm not complaining, but why?

Kristy pulls me to a stop. "Because you're not here right now, someone might get hurt, you might. You can't cheer like this. Do you want to tell me what's going on?"

That's the last thing I want to do, but Kristy deserves an answer, and the hallway is deserted. "I had a fight with Hannah, I think. We were talking about yesterday, and she said she isn't a bigot; there was a but, and then the call dropped. I haven't been able to get her back."

That's the easiest way to explain it, especially since Hannah left during homeroom, and I haven't seen her since. I need to know what she was going to say.

Kristy stops dead and pulls me into a hug. "No wonder you're so out of it, you think she's..." She glances around, probably best not to mention too much, even in a seemingly deserted hallway.

I just hug Kristy back; it's exactly what I need right now. "I hope not, but it's all I can think about. Hannah's all I had, Kristy when things got really dark. I can't imagine not having her in my life, and what if this decision cost me her? Is it worth it?"

Part of me wants to say yes, that Hannah's friendship, while important to me, isn't the final word, that if I'm trans, I can't stay in the closet for her.

The rest thinks the opposite, that Hannah knows me better than anyone, and if she doesn't think I'm trans, or if she says I shouldn't transition, that she might be right.

Hannah's been alive, okay, around for a long time. Around teenagers, she should know. Right?

"If Hannah is really your friend, Jay. She should support you. No matter what."

That's easy to say, but what if this is a mistake? What if I'm wrong? What if I'm just so desperate to belong that I'm just going along with it?

So many whats.

Worst of all, what if it's just being driven by my crush on Kristy, that she's admitted to wanting me as a girl, and I'm just going along with everything for her?

What if none of it is real?

"I'm sorry, Kristy, that I'm such a mess. For letting you and the team down, are you sure it wouldn't be better if I just went home?" Before I worry more people and before I make things worse.

Kristy just hugs me tighter, and right now, I'm happy about that because there's nowhere else I want to be other than with her. Not now, maybe not ever. "You're with us now, Jay. Isolating yourself doesn't only hurt you. The team will understand, trust me. We have alternates for a reason, come and watch, okay?"

I don't have it in me to tell Kristy no, so I force myself to smile and say." Sure, I'll watch." Maybe going will help distract me. I hope it does. Right now, I need something, too; I can't be present right now.

Our hug tightens for a minute before Kristy steps out of it, grabs my hand, and doesn't let go until we reach the first row of bleachers. The team is stretching and is watching us, even as Kristy peels off and joins them.

The few times I've come to practices with Hannah, we usually wait until after the stretches. Sitting here watching them should be awkward, but it isn't. I'm watching the girls, seeing how they move, but not their bodies.

Layla's over with Coach Vargas, and occasionally, one of them gestures to me, but no one is bothering me.

It's interesting to watch the team and have actual feedback to give, especially when I know I didn't before; Hannah must have rubbed off on me more than I thought. For the most part, everyone's technique is solid. Emily is half a second behind everyone else. Caroline's unsteady after backflips, and Amelia occasionally picks at her uniform.

I'll have to mention it to Layla, just not right now. I can't today, but maybe tomorrow. Soon, anyway.

There's still no sign of Hannah. I really was hoping she would at least come to practice today, my first. Her absence kind of makes me glad I'm on the sidelines. She isn't missing anything.

"We Krakens are unstoppable." The cheers change every year, but they're all pretty similar: We're tough, we're strong, we'll drag you under—whatever works for our theme.

Our theme, huh? I guess it is ours now.

It's actually kind of fun to sit here and cheer from the bleachers with the team instead of sitting here trying not to be noticed.

How would it feel to be down on the field, where I'm supposed to be right now?

The girls are breaking into smaller teams, some taking a break and others running drills. Based on their body language, Kristy and Layla seem to be having a pretty serious discussion, probably about me, so I'm surprised when Amelia walks over and sits down beside me. "So what do you think?"

"It's a little intimidating. Honestly, I'm feeling shitty, letting everyone down." But I'm feeling better being here than I would be at home, alone, wondering about Hannah. At least here, I have distractions.

"Any comments, concerns, questions, commentary?" There's a smile in her voice, and it sounds like she genuinely wants my input.

I guess I should.

"You don't look completely comfortable in your uniform; you've been picking at your skirt. I don't know whether that's because I'm here or something else, though." I'm rolling a pencil through my fingers; it's soothing and saves me from flapping them around.

"It isn't you; I lost weight over the summer and decided for my senior year to join the team and put myself out there. It's intimidating. Layla's been on my case about it."

"Sorry, I'm not judging you." Well, officially, I have been critiquing the team, and she did ask for my feedback, but I still feel weird about it.

Amelia grabs my hand and rolls her eyes. That's been happening a lot with the girls; maybe it's just a cheerleader thing.

"I literally asked. I'm not offended. You have a good cheer voice and a good eye." Amelia gestures to the pencil I'm still fiddling with. "Dexterous too."

"Mom had pencils in my hand since I could hold them. Rolling them like this is almost as old as my ability to walk." Mostly because I used to get really frustrated, and rolling a pencil was a distraction.

"You know." She laughs. "It's weird we never talked before."

"Why, because we've shared classes the past three years?" This is the first semester we haven't, Amelia and I were just never paired together in class, and I wasn't talking to anyone otherwise.

"Yes, exactly. I knew who you were, but we never talked. It's one of my senior year goals, like cheerleading, to make connections to people. You were on my list." Amelia glances over to the field, specifically to where Kristy is. She's talking to Coach Vargas now.

"What, why?" Prior to joining the team, we never had a reason to talk. Why would Amelia even want to?

I should have expected her to roll her eyes. That seems to be a recurring theme among the cheerleaders. "John, do you think I can't tell when someone is dissociating? You do it a lot, but today has been next level."

What is Amelia talking about? "Sorry, I'm confused."

"You really don't know, do you? I thought the girls talked to you about this already, like yesterday."

Oh, it's a trans thing, okay, sure, why not. Does everyone know?

"I mean they talked about the gender stuff, if that's what you're asking." And if not, I've just embarrassed myself, whatever, it doesn't matter.

"Yes, the 'gender stuff'. My sister is trans." I'm sure my eyes widened in shock. I don't know everything, but isn't saying that rude? "I asked permission to tell you, don't worry. You remind me a lot of her before she got on hormones."

This is another outside confirmation, but I'm still not completely convinced. Everyone seems to mean well, but it honestly isn't helping. The evidence is adding up, but why now and not before?

I can't figure that out; Mom and even Payton seem reasonably convinced, but I was just drifting without answers, and only now is everyone nodding along like it was obvious.

It's infuriating.

Layla's waving everyone back together, and that's honestly great timing. It means this conversation is over without me needing to respond.

"Looks like you're needed, Amelia." I don't quite manage to keep the amusement out of my voice because she frowns at me.

"I get it; this is hard. I'm going to give Kristy something for you after practice, and I'll text you later. Feel free to call me if you have questions."

What could she possibly be giving me?

"Thanks, Amelia, for the chat. It was nice." She was somewhat informative, even. As far as I know, she's the first person involved in this entire thing who knows an actual trans person. I watch Amelia until she gets back to the team, and Kristy waves at me. I wave back like an idiot, and that reminds me.

I still haven't asked Kristy for resources—at least, I don't remember asking last night. If I did, she hasn't sent them to me yet, so I might as well do it right now.

Yes, Kristy is busy, but she'll see the messages later. I need to ask before I put it off again.

 

John: Thanks for everything.

John: I'm having fun. Being here is helping.

John: Thanks.

John: If you have time, can you send me some of the trans stuff you looked at, I think I need to do more reading.

There's some unread messages from Payton, and I might as well look at them now.

Payton: I'm sorry we sprung this on you. It seemed like you were managing yesterday, but the cracks are showing today.

Payton: Mr Brown gave us an assignment today—a still life from our lives—due next week. It has to be real, nothing fantastical.

Payton: I wanted to tell you because you were somewhere else. I'm sorry for adding this to your plate.

Payton:  You look lost. Call me tonight, okay?

John: Sorry

John: I didn't mean to worry you.

John: thanks, about the homework. 

John: I'll call you when I get home.

 

I need to get my head on straight, and soon. Midterms will be here before too long. Merideth has deadlines approaching, and it honestly feels like this is just the beginning.  

More things are coming up every day, and I don't think I'm prepared for them.

***

"Alright, great practice, girls; walk a lap around the field, and we're done for today," Layla says, and I nod.

That's my cue, then. It's one thing to skip out on my first practice, but I can manage a walk; I'm not entirely useless. 

My head feels clearer just from sitting here for over an hour, focusing on the girls and how I can help them improve. I'll give Layla my notes in private; there's no reason to call people out directly. For all I know, there's a reason for some of the problems I'm spotting.

Coach Vargas nods approvingly at me as I head over to where Kristy is standing and start walking with her; there are a few giggles from my teammates I don't fully understand, but that's fine; I don't need to.

"How are you feeling, Jay?"

That's a less loaded question than it would have been an hour ago. My hand is itching to grab Kristy's, to ground myself further, and after a minute, I give in to the temptation; the smile she gives me is everything right now.

I ignore the increased giggling from behind us. "More grounded; thanks for giving me permission to sit out today." Yes, she ordered me to, but it's the same difference. "I probably would have hurt myself."

"You would have. I'm glad you listened. The coach would have insisted the minute she saw you." There's a bit of wryness to her voice—enough to make me grin.

"Speaking of experience?"

Kristy looks a tiny bit embarrassed before she says. "Maybe, but let me worry about that. I saw you taking notes, anything interesting?"

I glance over my shoulder, and there's a mix of people who are suddenly glancing away or laser-focused on where Kristy and I are holding hands. 

That's about what I expected.

"Some critiques, nothing serious, but probably worth a point or two at a competition." And every bit helps. "I'll pass them over to Layla in private. I wanted to do something useful instead of just sitting there." Sulking, or whatever I was doing. Feeling sorry for myself? Same thing. “I know it's only Tuesday, but are you free this weekend?" Sure we have dinner with Mom planned but we can just hang out at the house, head to the mall again, or see if Mom's up for the market. I really want to go there with Kristy.

"She is!" That's Layla this time, who just grins at us when she looks over her shoulder.

Kristy flips Layla off, who just grins even wider. "Peanut gallery notwithstanding, yes, Jay. I'm free." 

"Great! I have an idea for Sunday, but it's a surprise." Especially since I need Mom to drive us, and I want to ask her first. Actually, Kristy has a car, so we could go solo. That's not a bad idea. I'm still getting used to the idea that I have friends with their own cars. “We could also have an early lunch on Saturday at La Petite Tarte; you mentioned wanting to go."

Some of this is just wanting to spend time with Kristy, probably a large part of it, but I also just want to keep busy. Kristy squeezes my hand. "I'm glad you stayed and that you're here now. It means a lot to the team."

"Just kiss already!" Someone yells, even as someone else says. "Yeah, the team." The amount of sarcasm has my face warming up. Kristy keeps walking, and I don't stop; if I do, I'm not sure the girls won't get worse.

"You're just jealous." Someone else says.

"Fucking right I am, I can't get Daryl to hold my hand in public half the time, let alone schedule dates like that. He's always worried about what his boys will think, or are doing."

"Girl, dump him."

I have enough on my plate to deal with other people's stuff, but part of me agrees. If someone doesn't want to be seen with you, do things with you, why are you together?

Whatever, it's not like I'm an expert.

We're just finishing the lap when Layla waves us over to where she's standing with Coach Vargas; the rest of the girls peel off towards the locker room.

That's good; whatever this is, I'd prefer a minimal audience.

"Hi, coach. Sorry about today." For starting off on the wrong foot, for being a mess, just for being me. Layla rolls her eyes at me, and I'm willing to bet Kristy did too.

"Your head was elsewhere, but you showed up, you were engaged, and you participated in the cooldown walk. I would have liked to have had you on the field, but my job is to help you, and if that's what you needed today, then I did my job."

"Thanks, coach." It's really appreciated, I'm still getting used to having friends again, really talking to Mom instead of wasting air when she asks me questions. Having another person invested in me is really nice.

Way nicer than I ever could have guessed.

"Whatever it is that's bothering you. I'm here to talk if you need it."

My parents know, and my friends do; I'm going to tell Penelope on Friday; is there any harm in telling the coach? It's just a possibility, not a fact, but it is distracting me right now and might be a factor later.

Maybe it's better to rip off the bandaid, especially when Layla and Kristy both already know.

"So, there's a strong possibility that I'm trans, and I'm trying to wrap my head around it. The girls know, at least these two do and my parents."

Layla blurts out, "We're totally supportive." Even as Kristy leans against me and says. "Absolutely aware of and helping."

Coach Vargas looks at the girls and their complete lack of surprise and nods. "I'm not an expert, but you would be far from the first trans person we had on the team, but I am here if you need to talk."

"I appreciate that, Coach, and you two, of course." Layla preens a little, and I shake my head at her.

"Enjoy your afternoons. John." She hesitates on my name and continues when I nod. "Come talk to me anytime." And then the coach walks off, she's probably just as eager as we are to get on with our days.

Once we're alone, Kristy pulls me into a hug. "Jay, are you going to be alright, being home by yourself?"

I'm hoping Hannah will be there; I'm almost desperate for it. We need to talk; I need answers.

I need to know.

"Yeah, I need to talk to Hannah." Like I need air to breathe, not knowing where she is or what her thoughts are is sitting on my chest like a weight.

Layla glances towards the locker room and shrugs. "Sorry to break in here, but I need to shower like desperately. Are you coming, Kristy?"

I can wait for her or just walk home. I'm not exactly in a hurry to be away from Kristy.

"No." Kristy pauses before she continues. "I do need to shower, but I want to get Jay home first." Before I can even try to tell her otherwise, she adds. "I'll be fine, but you have something important to take care of."

"I won't argue." Mostly because I know I won't get anywhere. "I'll text you tonight, Layla. Thanks again." She waves and heads off, and then Kristy and I slowly make our way to her car.

Please be home, Hannah.

We're parked in my driveway, and Kristy's frowning at her purse, but after a second, she sighs and nods. "Amelia gave me something for you; I'm a little unsure about it; it feels like I'm trying to force you into a choice, but I'm not, never. Okay?"

"Amelia told me, not about what it is, just that she was giving you something." I'm glad we're parked because I can pull Kristy into a hug. Right now, I think we could both use one.

"Okay, I guess I'm doing this then." Kristy breaks out of the hug, digs into her purse, and passes me a pill bottle. "These are from Absinthe, Amelia's older sister. They're estrogen pills, she switched to injections. There's instructions I can send you tonight."

Oh, umm, wow.

I don't even know what to say here, but Kristy is right. I don't need to do anything today or otherwise. For now, I just tuck them into my backpack. I'll worry about them another time.

"Thanks, Kristy, for this and everything. Do you have Absinthe's contact info? I want to thank her directly. If not, I can touch base with Amelia." I should probably just ask her directly.

"Call me tonight, let me know whether you're okay, or if I need to come over."

"I will. Thank you."

Hannah is reaching the bottom of the stairs as I close the door behind me. There are too many thoughts swirling around in my head, even more than earlier.

The little bottle Kristy gave me from Amelia feels like it weighs a ton.

Hannah looks terrible; I didn't know she could look dishevelled. I can tell she's been crying, probably for a while, but her voice breaks when she says, "John, we need to talk."

'But' Never felt so bad.