It happened five-weeks into our journey. The King is dead. My father is dead. I remember this morning began as any other with me waking in the cabin being rocked to and throw by the ocean. It was hard to get used to when we first set off on the ships but lately every morning is a fight to remain awake. Even now I feel the subtle desire to let the ocean’s waves lull me to sleep on the soft bedding. Especially now.

The commotion occurred a little bit before lunch while I had been taking my daily lessons on American geography and government. I as a child obviously wasn’t going to be involved in such things, but it wouldn’t do for the relative of a prestigious Monarch to not have a basic understanding of the area. Even if we ruled it in name only.

The screams, shouts and heavy steps of people scared my tutor Marie who had been with me since birth. She had been assigned at an early age to teach me how to speak French fluently, as it is the language of all European courts. My parents didn’t want for me to have an accent, so English is my second language. Though I feel I have more use for English in my everyday life.

I remember walking to the door that led to my father’s cabin despite Marie’s protests. My small room was attached to his directly, so I had to walk through his to get outside. Papers were left strewn about on the table with freshly opened ink-pots, but no one was inside at the moment. I exited the cabin onto the main deck and was met with people running in all directions.

The air had that sharp freshness that caused me to shiver more on instinct than any real need. It was a cloudy day that day. The sun hidden and so too was its warmth. In hindsight it was the perfect setting for a tragedy. I moved towards the stairs that led upwards to the quarterdeck and as I reached the top of them, I could see a crowd circling his body laying flat on the floor.

At the time he was still alive, flanked either side by doctors. But I knew that they had already decided that my father was dead. I ran to him and pushed aside the useless physician on his right. I grabbed his hand and held it tight in my own. He looked to me at that moment with a clarity I had never seen from any other. I felt him return a firm grasp that seemed to hold all he wanted to say in that moment.

In that firm, uncompromising grip I felt the love one can only have for their child. I felt the want for me to remain strong in the time to come; and, I felt the loss of all the days together that will never be. Then he was gone. The moment lasting both agonisingly long and altogether too quick. The strength in his hand faded and no longer did he breathe.

I must have been moved shortly after but all I remember is waking the next day staring at the ceiling of the cabin. Another day closer to the destination. Another day being rocked by the waves. Another day like any other day. But today was the first day in my life that I could say that I felt truly alone.

Marie stayed beside me. Comforting me in her own way which was mostly silent companionship. I heard loud arguments coming from my father’s cabin as the captain argued with the advisers that came along on the journey to the Colonies. I heard shattering glass more than a few times and Marie would always visibly jump each time.

After a few days I was allowed to get some fresh air. I didn’t have any morning clothes with me for the trip, but I did find a scarf stained black from oil and tar. I kept it wrapped around my arm until one of the crew members gave me a scarf made from black wool out of kindness. I appreciated that single gesture more than all the empty words of condolences I received from the officers and advisors.

Whenever I went outside, I always made sure to stay near the front of the ship. Away from that place. I knew that it was silly, but I didn’t want to be there or see it any more than I needed to. I heard one of the Officers laugh once when they thought I had gone elsewhere that the ship had turned into a floating mausoleum. That we should do to the King what we did to everyone who died on board and throw him into the ocean. I think I cried that night.

All through-out Marie was there. I often wonder if the weather reacts to our feelings at times like those because the storm that night was particularly vindictive. I think there were more than a few times that night I wished the ocean would take all of us together. My thoughts were probably some childish attempt at fairness.

In my darkest moments I can always find a way to blame myself for his death. It was my fault that we were on that voyage across the ocean in the first place. The Colonies had been sending letters describing my father as a tyrant and cruel King. I suggested going over in-person to show them how great of a person he truly is.

He had only been kind and caring to me and if they could see how good of a person, he was then I was sure that they would be more understanding. When the news of soldiers firing on a group of civilians reached us, I pushed for my father to make the journey and see it over personally. Who better to show clarity in the middle of a tragedy than the King?

So, when my older Brother Edward IV was made regent and my father proclaimed that he would travel personally, I pleaded to him to let me join him on the journey. My mother was obviously against it, but I was set in my desire to see the New World and my father cherished me dearly.

I remember the days preparing to leave and how excited we were to travel. I remember the early 9^th birthday party I had because my mother wanted to give me my present in-person. I’m sure that there was a plan to have a small celebration on the day, but all those plans fell to the wayside and I didn’t particularly care at the time to complain.

The way I had chosen to deal with the pain of loss on that journey was to suffer in silence and no-one could spare the effort to change that. There were surely chores to finish, tasks to complete and any manner of other distractions to take their own mind off the sudden passing of a King. I’m sure the Princess Royal, Charlotte wasn’t at the top of their list of worries and I kept it that way till we reached the destination.