Back when they had been kids, Lu Hao used to drag Hong Sheng everywhere. Hong Sheng was like his puppy. He showed him off to his friends, ran around with him in the park, and wouldn’t go anywhere without Hong Sheng at his heels. Even when Lu Hao was playing with the other kids in the neighborhood, Hong Sheng had been there with him—but not playing with them.

Lu Hao had tried including Hong Sheng. He’d taught him how to kick around a ball, how to play the customary children’s games. But the only one Hong Sheng really ever joined was hide and seek. Most of the time, Hong Sheng lingered in the shadows by the side, curled up in the shade of a tree or a bush, watching the other kids played. He’d only ever look up when Lu Hao came near.

Hong Sheng only ever had him in his eyes, and Lu Hao had loved that.

So he’d never pushed for the other kids to include Hong Sheng, or get them to understand him. He’d never tried to bring Hong Sheng out of his shell around his other friends. Him being the only one in Hong Sheng’s world was perfect.

But then, when they’d been about ten or eleven, another kid moved to their neighborhood.

He was quiet, like Hong Sheng. But in a different way. More like he was thoughtful. He was the grandson of some famous calligrapher, and all the girls had talked about how elegant he seemed. He was a little sickly, too, which meant that he couldn’t join the boys in any of their sports matches.

That also meant that when the kids in the neighborhood gathered around to play, that boy sat on the sidelines, right next to Hong Sheng.

They didn’t talk at first. Lu Hao had been watching them from the corner of his eye ever since the new kid had come over to check out what was going on. But a couple of weeks later, Lu Hao saw the new kid talking to Hong Sheng, and Hong Sheng was listening to him.

At that point, Lu Hao had called for a break in the game. He’d been sweating with exertion, and panting a little bit. But he wiped off his sweat, put on a casual smile, and walked over to the two of them.

Lu Hao didn’t remember what exactly he’d done and said. But he remembered sitting between the two of them, ensuring that Hong Sheng wouldn’t pay any attention to that new kid anymore.

After a while, the new kid found some other friends and didn’t come around as much. Some time later, he moved away again.

If Lu Hao hadn’t gotten between that guy and Hong Sheng, they might have become friends. Something about that had made Lu Hao afraid, though he hadn’t wanted to admit it. Once Hong Sheng made other friends, once other people entered Hong Sheng’s world, would he still have the same place in Hong Sheng’s heart?

It was Lu Hao’s selfish possessiveness. He couldn’t stand the idea of someone else being closer and more important to Hong Sheng than himself. And that hadn’t been the only time.

Even when they were older, Lu Hao kept Hong Sheng closely guarded. He’d kept Lisa Xi from getting close to Hong Sheng, blocking her from including him in her research. He’d seen the way the girl they’d rescued, Yu Qiu, had managed to touch Hong Sheng and act so intimately with him after just a single day, and he’d nearly wanted to assign her to a group that would take her as far from Hong Sheng as possible.

This kind of behavior—wanting to keep Hong Sheng all to himself, wanting to make sure no one else could get close to him—was something dark, a deeply twisted desire that Lu Hao had never closely examined. He’d rationalized it by telling himself that only he could fully appreciate and understand Hong Sheng. And Hong Sheng had seemed more than happy with it, so what was the harm?

People couldn’t survive alone. Cutting Hong Sheng off from anyone who could possibly be his future friend, or even… a future lover, was nothing more than Lu Hao’s selfishness.

It wasn’t up to him who Hong Sheng fell in love with, or who he wanted to be around. Even if he felt his adrenaline spike at the thought of Hong Sheng being with someone else, he wasn’t in the right to act on it. He was lucky, especially now, that Hong Sheng had feelings for him. Acting like he had sole claim and ownership over Hong Sheng meant not really respecting Hong Sheng’s choices at all.

He couldn’t lose sight of this. Hong Sheng deserved the best partner. And in all honestly, that partner might happen to be someone better than Lu Hao, someone who wasn’t as selfish, someone who hadn’t hurt Hong Sheng over and over again through his own narrow-sighted actions.

But did that mean Lu Hao was just going to let Hong Sheng fall for someone else? No. Never. He’d already screwed things up once, and he wasn’t going to let go of this second chance. All that meant was that Lu Hao had to improve himself, and become the best version of himself that he could possibly be; in that way, no one else would look better to Hong Sheng than him.

He was far from a perfect man, and it wasn’t realistic for him to become one. But even if he was imperfect and flawed, jealous and possessive, he could still strive to become a good partner. He wanted to give Hong Sheng as much love, and care, and tenderness as he could possibly give.

To him, Hong Sheng was worth that at least that much.

 

 

“I’m going shopping to find a gift for my parents. Want to come with?”

“Your parents?” Hong Sheng paused while taking off his gardening gloves. They’d been settled into their temporary home for a few weeks, and Hong Sheng had started gardening some vegetables in a portable garden bed and pots. The tomato plants in particular had sprouted healthily, and for a while, Hong Sheng had a glow of happiness whenever he looked at them.

“That’s right. They’re flying back from Iceland today. Figure we can visit them tomorrow, once they’ve had a night to rest.”

Hong Sheng nodded. He took off his gloves and went to wash his hands, and when he’d gotten ready, the two of them left to drive to the city.

Material goods were one thing Lu Hao’s parents certainly didn’t lack, and bringing gifts was a formality Lu Hao hadn’t ever really done when visiting them before—particularly because he’d only really settled into adulthood after society had collapsed. But this was Hong Sheng’s first time seeing them in years. It didn’t feel right to just bring him over empty-handed.

They were browsing the selection of gift boxes in an upscale bakery, looking at each of the different items included. The typical gift box had a selection of four exquisitely-crafted gourmet treats, and since neither Lu Hao nor Hong Sheng knew which were the best, Lu Hao took the liberty of purchasing ‘samples’ for Hong Sheng to try.

While the two of them were enjoying the samples—Hong Sheng eating them, and Lu Hao feeding them to Hong Sheng—the door to the bakery opened. A young couple walked in, and Lu Hao’s eyes subtly glanced at them and away. He steered in front of Hong Sheng, pointing at one of the treats. “What do you think of that one? Let’s try it…”

Behind him, Zhang Lie and Ji Ling looked at the display case. It was a coincidence that they’d come to the same bakery that Lu Hao and Hong Sheng were in. Zhang Lie murmured softly in Ji Ling’s ear, his signature gentle scum mask perfectly in place. Together, the two of them were the image of a model couple: Zhang Lie being handsome and slender, looking absolutely smitten; and Ji Ling being demure and petite, shy and lovely. It had been a few weeks since Zhang Lie had started pursuing her, and his work had paid off. She looked at him like he was her everything.

Of course, Lu Hao knew better than to think she had fallen so quickly. Ji Ling had always been far cleverer than the average person. But as he observed the pair from the periphery of his gaze, he noticed a red cord revealed along Ji Ling’s neck when she leaned over to peer into the display.

Was that a necklace?

He remembered that Ji Ling had worn a necklace back during the apocalypse, too. It’d been carefully tucked into her shirt, tied with slender but sturdy chain links rather than the red cord he saw now. The necklace had once had a jade pendant attached to it. Ji Ling had mentioned it had been a family heirloom with sentimental value—after all, that was usually the only reason why anyone would still wear jewelry during the apocalypse.

But now, realizing Ji Ling’s actual relationship with her family…

Lu Hao withdrew his gaze. It would be difficult for him to check if Ji Ling’s current necklace held the same pendant he’d seen previously. Zhang Lie would have to investigate for him.

Neither pair interacted with each other, like the two groups were complete strangers. Though since Zhang Lie didn’t know Lu Hao’s real identity, and Ji Ling didn’t have any memories, it was only Lu Hao who was acting. He kept Hong Sheng distracted, and eventually asked the bakery sales worker to help package up two boxes, one for his parents, and one for Hong Sheng.

But as they were walking out the door, Hong Sheng suddenly looked back. Lu Hao’s heart leaped, though he didn’t know why he felt such an intense alarm, or even why he had been so intent on keeping Hong Sheng away from Ji Ling.

Hong Sheng, however, didn’t say anything. The two of them peacefully walked out. They’d bought a container of fine tea leaves earlier in the day, meaning they’d finished off their shopping trip with this last purchase.

As they were walking on their way to the car, Hong Sheng finally spoke. “Lu Hao…”

“Yeah?” Lu Hao affected a calm that hid his nervousness completely. He looked at Hong Sheng with a smile, hoping that Hong Sheng hadn’t noticed Ji Ling. It was as if he wanted to keep Hong Sheng in a bubble, far from having to think about what had happened to him. Seeing Ji Ling would be like staring the reality of his death right in his face.

So he acted, pretending that he didn’t know her, didn’t notice her, as if that would mean Hong Sheng hadn’t, either. It was the same way that Lu Hao hadn’t ever talked to Hong Sheng about how he, too, had been brought back in time. It was as if by not saying anything, and avoiding the issue, he wouldn’t have to confront the horrors of everything that had happened.

But Hong Sheng stopped under the awning of a shop, some old store with rickety metal hanging over its door, and looked at Lu Hao. His body was half in shadow, and his eyes seemed uncharacteristically piercing.

“…Did you know that girl?”

Lu Hao’s heart leaped in his chest. He wasn’t sure if he could keep that fake smile on his face. “I…”

He couldn’t lie to Hong Sheng. Even as he opened his mouth, wanting to divert the conversation, he found himself unable to avoid the truth.

Swallowing harshly, his throat bobbing in a painful scrape, Lu Hao said, “I do.”

He wasn’t sure what Hong Sheng thought. Had he recognized Ji Ling, or did he just think she was any other high school girl? The past couldn’t be avoided for so long, he knew that. But he was desperate to cling to the comfortable ease they’d been living in. Lu Hao hadn’t intentionally crossed paths with Ji Ling, but he wondered now if Hong Sheng misunderstood and thought he had come here to meet her. While Lu Hao was thinking of what to say, Hong Sheng lowered his head. “What’s your… relationship with her?”

Lu Hao had never found Hong Sheng as hard to read as this moment. Had he recognized Ji Ling, or not? “There are few people I could truly say I hated,” Lu Hao answered truthfully. “She’s the one I despise the most.”

This answer made Hong Sheng look up, wide-eyed. Lu Hao’s mouth slanted with a self-deprecating curl.

“You’re surprised?”

Hong Sheng nodded. Curiosity tinged his eyes. “What did she… do?”

The way he asked threw Lu Hao for a loop; it was such a benign question, like whatever she’d done had nothing to do with him. Did that mean he didn’t realize it was Ji Ling after all? If Lu Hao hadn’t investigated her, he would never have been able to tell, either—it made sense that Hong Sheng wouldn’t connect that wallflower of a girl to the elegant and conniving Ji Ling.

Lu Hao relaxed a bit. He didn’t have to worry anymore that this idyllic, peaceful life they’d built up would shatter.

So he just laughed, and said, “A lot of things that I can never forgive.” He raised his hand to tousle Hong Sheng’s hair, a sincere smile returning to his face. “I don’t want to talk about her, or think about her, especially when I’m with you. Right now, you’re the only one I want to think about.”

Hong Sheng blinked, and then a bright blush surged in his cheeks. He looked away with a soft, shy noise.

And like that, the topic was dropped. They made their way home, put away the things they’d bought, and split one of the baked treats that night after dinner.

 

 

…Later that night, Hong Sheng would lie awake in bed, thinking about how in those three years of his youth that he’d spent away from Lu Hao, Lu Hao had somehow met Ji Ling and experienced some sort of dramatic, soap-opera-esque situation that caused him to hate her. But later, after the apocalypse started, Ji Ling would be able to win him over with her charms… No wonder Lu Hao and Ji Ling had been so close back then. So they’d had this kind of romance novel start to their relationship… Under the weight of his own overactive and pessimistic imagination, Hong Sheng suffered until morning.