11 Years ago
Hideo: “Hey dad?”
Dad: “Oh, hey. What are you doing up? You should be asleep.”
Hideo: “I had a bad dream...”
Dad: “Ah... is it about those monsters again? Come here, tell me about them.”
I run out to my dad and sit next to him on the couch.
Hideo: “Well...”
Dad: “Describe them to me.”
Hideo: “Err... their like... animals... but also human? They just chase me, endlessly and when they catch me, I wake up.”
Dad: “Ah, okay. You still wearing that talisman right? Never take it off.”
I move the talisman from under my shirt, over it to show dad.
Hideo: “I've had this since I was born right? Why?”
*Sigh* My dad sighs and moves over to the bookcase. He grabs what seems to be an old-ish book and sits back down.
Hideo: “A fantasy book?”
Dad: “What if I say it's not all fiction? There are creatures in this world looking for someone. That person is special... key to their survival.”
Hideo: “So... I'm that person?”
Dad: “Unfortunately... yes. Just as you were born, there was several attempted kidnapping on you. We didn't know what to do, but then one day. We got a package in the mail, in it contained that talisman with a note saying to always keep on the child and ever since... nothing has happened. We just think someone is looking out for you. It's suspicious I know, but we need to believe in something.
Hideo: “How long will it last? Usually small talismans like this don't last long, well according to some of my fantasy books.
Dad pauses and looks down.
Dad: “We... don't know...
Present.
???: “Oi, wake up!”
Hideo: “Ugh... 5 more minutes...”
???: “Now! You can have your “5 more minutes” tomorrow when you turn 18.”
I let out a heavy sigh.
Hideo: “Fine... I'll be down in a minute, dad.”
Dad: “Good, get a move on.”
As soon as my dad leaves, I get up from my bed and let out a yawn and stare at into the nearby mirror.
*Sigh*
I tuck my talisman back into my shirt.
Hideo: “Welp, time to get ready.”
After some time has past, I'm on my way to school. Nothing eventful really happens, never does, except this time I feel some stares, every now and then. Curious, I look around and notice no one then...
*BAM*
Hideo: “Oh shit. I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention.”
I extend my hand out, to offer some help. I feel bad for bumping into a girl. Damn it.
Hideo “Here let me help you up.”
???: “I'm okay, don't worry”
She looks up at me. Making eye-to-eye contact.
???: “I'm fi...ne..."
Suddenly her cheeks grow red and instantly looks away.
Hideo: “You sure? You don't look okay?
I extend my hand a little closer. She moves away slightly and instantly jumps up to her feet.
???: “Ermm... Umm... I'm sorry! I'm in a rush! Bye Hideo!
I watch the girl bolt down the street. Wait...
Hideo: “Did I tell her my name?”
After-school
I swear school was strange today. It wasn't a normal day. During the whole day of school, I felt stares from all around me. Most of the time when I check around I see no one staring, but every once in a while I would notice one or two girls before they look away. Luckily it's time to go home, I'm kind of getting disturbed by the stares.
Even on the way home, still feel some stares. I try to ignore them on my why home. When I'm finally home, I quickly rush through the front door.
Hideo: “Dad! Hey, dad! You home!?”
I'm met with silence. I notice I slip of paper on the dining table.
Sorry son.
Been called away for work.
I'll be home tomorrow for your birthday.
I know you'll be 18 but... I'll bring cake. Never too old for cake.
Don't stay up too late, you hear.
Dad.
I let out a sigh.
Hideo: “Dammit dad, just when I need you.”
I sigh again and think for a second. After thinking what to do next, I waste no time in making sure doors and windows are locked. I also close any curtains just in case.
Night
It's quiet. I've been studying for hours, trying to get my mind distracted. I glance at the clock.
Hideo: “23:59, huh? Almost midnight... welp, time for bed!
After packing away my books, I glance at my clock again. 00:00... midnight... Happy Birthday me...
*Ding, Dong*
Someone here? At midnight? I cautiously walk up to front door. At this time, I wish we had a peephole, I sigh... Least we have a chain. I leave the chain latched between the door and door frame and cautiously open the door slightly.
I'm met face-to-face with a girl, who seems to be about the same age as me. She had black hair and red cat-like eyes and... are those ears? It's pretty obvious I should remain alert, who knows what she wants.
Hideo: “Err... c..can I help you?”
I get no reply. She looks deep into me eyes and smiles. Without warning, she grabs the chain that is between us and tears it down without any trouble. I stubble back and lose my balance. I look up from the floor and see the girl slowly walk over to me. She's still smiling...
Hideo: “Who...who are you!? What do you want!?”
She stops at my feet, never taking her eyes off me. She crouches down and leans closer to my face. Honestly if this wasn't maybe a life threatening situation, I would honestly find her mesmerizing. Dammit brain, this is no time to think that. Suddenly the uncomfortable silence is broken.
???: “Hideo, darling, your time has come.”
Hideo: “D..d..darling!? My time has come?”
I looks down and see the talisman over my shirt.
Hideo: “I see...”
???: Don't worry, everything will be explained in time. For now...
The girl leans close and gives me a long kiss. I was shocked. Why is she suddenly kissing me? But before I can think more on what's happening...
*Stab*
Huh!? I look down and see a knife directly in my stomach. The girl parts her lips from me and smiles.
I'm losing... consciousness... Everything is going dark...
???: “See you soon... Dar..ling”
What... is happening to... me?
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Interested Votes: 99 97.1%
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I'll pass Votes: 3 2.9%
Sorry dude your grammar is a deal breaker for me. I am really interested in the premise, but I can't do it withthe way you have this written. I have a thing about writers who openly abandon using proper English grammar. I am assuming that if you are a writer you are also a reader. And, if you are a reader you have been exposed to inside quotations in writing in a variety of uses and venues. If you are an English language learner I can understand the temptation to use a grammatical style from your home language (if that is what you are doing). But, part of the elegance of learning a new language is understanding it in its written and spoken forms and delving in deep so as to understand the structure. If this is the case for you my advise is to purchase a language workbook focused no writing dialogue and rewrite this with inside quotations.
If you are a native English speaker then... this is lazy shitty, writing. I am just going to say it. It is crafted badly, and please don't confuse the story idea with the structure. I am criticizing your writing form. You are writing this story as if it were a stage play using the "Character Name: Lines spoken". That is only appropriate if it is written as a play the whole way through. Your story is clearly a short story that aspires to be a novel. Write it that way.
I am not a grammar Nazi (in fact it takes me a lot of effort for me to check my own grammar and spelling), but when writers abandon the form of inside quotation it annoys me like... a quiet-ish sound you can't find so you can stop it. A squeak of an engine or the rattle of a fan, the sound interrupts your mental flow. It squeaks or rattles and goes on and on until it starts to consume your attention. It doesn't endanger your hearing, It is not a threat but over time you can't but hear it and nothing else. In your case I can't but see the disrupted flow of the writing and the grammatical issues stop my enjoyment of what started to look like an interesting story.
You might be asking why use the inside quotation structure. Even saying to yourself, This is my story and I will write it any dang way I want thank you very much! There are a couple very good reasons.
Emotional expression. By using the inside quotation style you can not only express what a character said but also how that made them feel. It can be used to highlight action that takes place in your story. And, it can be used to highlight motivation. For example:
"Barry, BARRY!" Shelia yelled annoyance coloring her voice. "I need your help, please!" she scowled looking frantically to no avail. The door closed hard against her back shoving her into the room a bit. The boxes in her arms started to slip. "NO! No. No. No. No. No." Shelia yelled as they slipped from her grip and fell onto the floor little glass beads rolling everywhere, several breaking as they hit the floor. "f*ck!" She threw her hands up in defeat. "Just f*cking great," she mumbled to herself. "Barry! Are you here!" She yelled to no one.
We got facial expressions. A clear description of emotion. Hints as to why she was annoyed. There was cause and effect. There was where words that hinted at her mood. Action embedded further heightened the story adding drama. In this little snippet that I pulled out of my ass I got a little story right there. Where the f*ck is Barry? Why is he not helping her? Why does she have these boxes of beads and so many? And, I could embed it all in a few quotations bracketed by descriptions of action and emotion. In the end it is better writing.
My advice pull the interesting work you have here, edit it and re-post. Good writing makes for better reading.
Thanks for being critical x.x
But, if I'm to be honest. I probably won't take much from this and probably won't change... much. You are right in pretty much everything and yes I am a native English speaker, just not a very well educated one. I failed school and collage. I had no interesting in writing until a few weeks ago. If I could travel back in time, I'd tell myself to maybe try and little harder. I also wasn't into yandere then. x.x
Now the main reason. Is due to my own personal interest in writing, or my own interest in anything. To be honest, I'm surprised I haven't gave up already. I struggle with motivation. I can be into something one day and then the next, I can't be bothered anymore. Like my bass guitar, recently I had a day or two practicing it, now I can't be bothered with it. Same goes for video games (backlog keeps on growing, so many started games)
Why I write the way I do? I don't know x.x I do like zero planning. maybe some basic information on characters but I just put whatever comes to mind. It's not like people don't understand what's going on, people have been fairly enjoying my story & my attempt at a FFXIV one. It helps to understand what's happening if you put some stuff in yourself, in your head. While I know that's not the point of storytelling. If you maybe think of it as an anime It kinda works... maybe. x.x
Like I said you are right in this being probably shitty writing. But I have more fun writing like this and to me that's all that matters to me. Seeing people enjoying my crappy yandere fan service stories makes me happy, which doesn't happen a lot in irl.
If I'm still trying to writing maybe in a few months time, I'll try out this feedback/advice. I do really appreciate though. Hope I made some sense and don't come out as mean or something. x.x
I will expectantly wait for the next chapter
I apologize for the other story x.x
It's a pity
Hmmm, stab stab stab
I like the general idea of the story but for me I pray that his father hides a dark secret about his origin and he is strong
I have a slight idea on what to do for him, but he isn't really a major character (maybe)
Looks interesting but i hope you wont abandon it
I only abandoned "Isekai’d Because of A Failed Promise" Coz I didn't like how it I did it. It was my first attempt at writing. I'm Still doing FFXIV story, I've ran out of ideas at the moment for it. I'm trying not to abandon it. I mean it.
Also this is a pilot chapter, just seeing opinions and such. But I do have an idea for a chapter 2