Sora joined her friends shortly after sending out her Gina army; she found Emilia, Wendy, Eyia, and Jin in the back, looking at yoga pants.
“They look so strange,” Jin mumbled. “Oh, they stretch?”
“They are so light,” Eyia stated as she handled her own. “These are made for a stretching activity?”
Wendy giggled. “Yeah, and they’re super comfy! I bet Eyia would love them; although, maybe something like biking shorts would be better.” She hummed.
“Why don’t you try some on?” Sora suggested, stopping beside Emilia.
“We would,” Wendy moved to nudge her, “but someone hasn’t made us any dressing rooms!”
Sora clicked her tongue. “Ah, yeah, that’s pretty important.” She created a dressing room at the end of each aisle. “There we go! I’ll have one of the Gina clones in each one to instantly change the size to fit you.”
“This is just too awesome,” Wendy whispered, pulling Emilia with her to the closest room. “You first!”
Sora spent what seemed like an hour following the group, catching glimpses of the others choosing their wardrobe; she’d had a Gina explain the dressing rooms and how they changed clothes to each group.
Emilia was mostly influenced by Wendy and her stories about each item; somehow, she remembered a surprising amount about each of her articles of clothing, recounting tales of her wearing each one. Eyia and Jin found a few of the stories particularly interesting, such as their time in Europe and France on vacation.
Nathan had chosen a more practical approach, choosing more functional clothing, and she even caught some designs that must have been to blending into the forest.
Jin was a bit more extravagant; she indulged in the more expensive designer clothes, influencing Eyia in that direction. Eyia, however, made it a point to select the least intrusive clothing.
Mary and Ashley had taken on a mothering role to Alice and Liz, despite the women being more than five times their age. They didn’t seem to mind as they filtered through the thousands of clothes they were allowed to cycle through; they’d never seen such fine and extravagant clothing, not even the members of the Council had such high-quality articles. It was clear that this realm had very simple material compared to the Human Realm.
Aiden seemed to have gravitated toward Nathan, and he didn’t rebuke him. It appeared that Nathan had forgiven him for his part in Eric’s group. He was giving him some rather odd fashion advice more aligned for tactical purposes. Aiden took the input with a strained grin, noting that it would probably work for Nathan’s muscular build more than his body shape; he wasn’t thin, but nowhere near the girth of a grown man.
Her aunt had vanished, but she knew she was watching from somewhere in her Core.
Eventually, everyone finished choosing a decent sized wardrobe, and brought their loaded carts back to the center of the bright center point; she was a little worried if all the fabric they’d gathered outside would be enough material.
She used the measurements the Ginas had gathered, and wove the magic, changing all the clothing on the outside to reflect the imaginary constructs. On request, she made a few standard bed materials such as toothbrushes, pads, and tongue scrapers; it all required a bit more energy than she expected. After finishing the process, she sent everyone back to their bodies.
Sora opened her eyes to the dully lit supply room; in front of each person sat stacked and folded clothes with sanitary items atop the fabric. “Well,” she smiled at each friend’s sparkling face. “I think this is an improvement.”
“You’re telling me,” Wendy squealed, holding up a black silk nightgown. “I haven’t had new clothes in … so long.” She finished with a whisper.
Mary clapped her hands. “Yes, well,” she yawned, “I think it’s almost time for bed.” She dabbed at her eyes, causing everyone else to do the same as they released their own yawns.
Sora tried doing what she’d seen her aunt do the first time she met her; rising, she commanded the raw magic around them to lift the articles before them, and everyone rose.
Emilia jumped to her feet with wide eyes at her hovering clothes. “How? You can make things float?”
“Impressive,” Jin grinned at her. “This is a bit more complicated than some of the things you’ve done before, even if it does seem a bit simple.”
She chuckled. “Yeah, I saw my aunt do it, and this is a lot more simple than just about everything else I’ve seen her do. It’s just molding raw magic; weak by Founder standards, she says,” Sora scratched the back of her head.
Eyia moved around her floating clothes with a light hum. “Yes, weak, but not easily handled. You must not diminish your accomplishments; you have just recently begun to explore magic, and you have already surpassed powerful human mages in many regards.”
Mary cut in before she could respond. “Just a part of being a Founder, right?”
“Well, yeah,” Sora muttered. “I mean, it does give me a pretty unfair edge; I’m essentially a full-on magic being.”
Both Alice and Liz seemed to have lost their hesitation in the time they spent with Ashley and Mary.
“How unusual,” Liz muttered, sweeping her hand under the clothes.
Alice copied her actions. “What is this?”
“Raw magic,” Aiden said with awe. “I’ve watched a few monsters utilize raw magic, but the way your handling it is like watching an artist paint a masterpiece.”
A slight flush touched Sora’s cheeks. “What are you talking about? This is like me splattering buckets of paint on a canvas; it’s nothing compared to my aunt.”
“This is that universe creating aunt?” Jin teased. “Take the compliment.”
“Thanks, guys,” Sora said, turning to hide her burning face.
She directed the clothes to follow her out of the room, walking downstairs with the rest of the group in tow. The girls had chosen the third floor, while the boys were given the second. She dropped the girl’s clothes off first, setting each wardrobe on a different bed. After that, she placed Aiden and Nathan’s clothes in their own room, leaving them to get ready for bed before backtracking upstairs.
Eyia, Mary, Ashley, Wendy, and Emilia had chosen to wear a variety of different colored nightgowns.
It had been a little tricky for Gina to design Emilia’s clothes with all her tails, but she’d managed to find the right size of hidden pocket to make in the back after a bit of testing. Her sapphire blue knee-length gown fluttered as her tails swished to the side; she looked down at the fabric with wonder, fingers caressing the hem. “It’s so smooth … even more than when we were in your Core.”
“Really?” Sora asked, running her hand down a silk shirt in her pile. “You’re right.”
“Thread count,” Ashley grinned. “I bet you made these with a high thread count.”
“Maybe,” Sora mumbled, slipping on her black PJ top and bottom. “I did give most of the instructions over to the Ginas.”
Both Alice and Liz followed her example, removing their dresses and putting on their bra, pad, and panties.
Alice held up the pad she’d been given. “These are so strange … this pad is better than the cloth towels we used before?”
Sora grinned with a wink. “Yup, I must say, they’re probably my best invention … even though I don’t seem to need them anymore. I don’t even need to go to the bathroom; that sounds and feels so strange, anyway, they’re self-cleaning, using raw magic in the atmosphere! Complete sanitary, super comfortable, and surprisingly thin; I’d probably make a fortune back in the Human Realm.”
“I don’t know,” Ashley giggled. “Supply and demand … you supplied a product that won’t go bad any time soon, so it won’t be in demand once everyone has one. Still … you’re a genius!”
Mary yawned; she’d already placed all of her clothes inside her bedside chest and drawers. Climbing into bed, she pulled back the blanket and sheets. “Sorry, girls, but I’m exhausted. Inari gave me a lot to think about, and I need to rest my pounding head.”
“I want to sleep, but my heart’s pounding,” Ashley responded, hands creasing her nightgown as she pressed them against her chest. “I meet my husband and kids tomorrow … the sooner I sleep, the sooner I’ll see them, but I’m just so excited and nervous.”
Eyia and Jin soon followed Mary into their own beds, Eyia saying, “To sleep, one must simply clear their mind after setting traps.”
Wendy nervously glanced around the room. “You didn’t set any traps, did you?”
“Just sensory warnings,” Jin yawned.
Eyia and Jin’s vision snapped to Sora’s chosen bed, where Githa was purring, curled up in a ball.
“You’re so loud,” she complained, stretching out across the fabric.
“When the … nevermind,” Sora sighed, pulling back her blankets. She snuggled under the covers, fixing Githa between her legs; she purred, contorting into an odd angle. “Oh, Liz, Alice, how do you turn off the fires?”
Emilia scooted her own closer to Sora’s, jumping under the covers while everyone else slowly got into their selected mattresses.
Alice and Liz were the only ones left standing; they each moved to the two fires along the ceiling in opposite corners of the room. Both of them started jumping up, tapping the fire with their palms; they did it five times; each strike dimmed the lamps until they produced the same amount of light as a night-light.
Sora hummed with satisfaction as she watched Alice finish her last hop. That’s super inconvenient. I should make some kind of switch for them to use … I’d probably need to wire the whole building, though.
The two Vulpes moved back to the door, turning to smile at everyone watching them. “We will lower the flames throughout the building and return shortly,” Alice said with a bright smile. “Please don’t get up…” she added as each of them moved to help.
“Yeah,” Liz huffed. “Leave something for us to do … we’re supposed to be helping you.”
“Are—are you sure?” Wendy yawned. “It would be faster with all of us.”
“Yes,” Alice said with a slight bow. “I believe all of you have had quite a day; please, leave the rest to us.”
The sincerity in their Cores moved Sora. “Thanks, Alice, Liz. I know you both have a lot to think about too. Please, don’t hesitate to talk to anyone of us if you have questions.”
“Yeah … we’ll manage.” Liz said with a soft smile before motioning for Alice to follow her. They both left, and Sora heard them moving throughout the halls, lowering the flames. Everyone else snuggled further into their beds, getting ready for bed, but Sora followed Alice and Liz’s conversation.
“What do you think, Liz?”
“Same as you, I suppose … it’s kind of hard to swallow.”
“Yeah, but—but you saw Inari. There’s no doubt that she’s like The Council.”
“Like?” Liz mumbled. “No, Inari and Sora are nothing like The Council. Looking back at the last Festival … it’s like my eyes were completely shut. The Council is cold, distant, better than us … we’re like the fruit and animals in the field.”
“Yeah, no, you’re right,” Alice whispered. “Sora and Inari … they feel warm, welcoming … devoted. What are we supposed to do, though? Can we keep living with everyone else? Everything,” her throat caught for a second as she fought back her emotions, “my whole life feels so bland and colorless. Is that how it is for everyone? I mean, you’re the closest thing I’ve had, and that’s because we’ve been chosen to serve in several tasks together throughout our lifetime.”
“Friend,” Liz said, tasting the word on her tongue. “Remember what Mary and Ashley said about the word?”
“Yeah, but … I don’t really understand it.”
“I think—I think you kind of did before. We’ve been together for so long; we know each other and enjoy being around each other.”
“Is it joy, though … I’m not so sure I ever really felt joy, not until Sora—fixed us.”
Liz growled lowly. “Fixed us … The Council locked us into a box, but—it might have been something or someone else, too, right? Inari said it was a genetic seal; who knows how long it’s been active? There’s so much we don’t know.”
“Yeah, but—but we can stay with Sora and the others to learn a bit more, right?”
Liz sighed. “Sure, but they aren’t going to be around forever.”
Alice huffed irritably. “I didn’t say we’d learn from them forever, but we have no clue how to even—I don’t know how to deal with all these emotions.”
“I’m in the same house with you on that one,” Liz said, moving to the second floor to turn off its lights. “It’s just like Mary said; it’s going to take time to learn how to not—not break down and cry … see,” she sniffed. “I—I don’t know—know how to stop.”
“A—a hug?” Alice asked, sniffing back her own tears.
They cried for a bit in each other’s arms, Sora’s heart went out to them; after a while, they moved down the floors, turning off the lights.
She glanced to her right as Emilia scooted closer, crossing the division in their beds; eyes closed, Sora could feel the light swish of her tails and the conflicted emotions inside her Core.
“Hmm?” Sora softly grunted.
“It’s just so sad,” Emilia whispered. “To be honest, I’m also kind of lost.”
“About?”
“I don’t really know how to—hmm—was it right?”
“Right—what?” Sora yawned, feeling Githa’s weight shift as she pressed her head against her calf.
“Right to repair Liz and Alice’s Spiritual Networks and getting rid of the magical thing?”
“Why? Do you think it wasn’t right?”
“I don’t know … it sounds like they don’t know if it was good or not.”
“Hmm,” Sora paused for a moment before responding. “I can’t tell you.”
“Huh? Why not?”
Taking a not from her aunt’s book, Sora shifted a little, causing GItha to stretch her neck across her foot, pressing it down as if telling her not to move. “Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know … because—they’d live out the rest of their lives without having to know all this stuff?”
“Did they choose to do it?”
“I guess they did.”
“I don’t know…” Sora replied softly.
“Didn’t they?”
“Is it really them if they’re being controlled? I don’t know the answer either, but I can help, and I chose to give it a shot.”
Emilia was silent for several seconds before sighing. “I guess I’ll have to think more about it. Night … mom.”
Sora smiled softly at her daughter as she turned her back to her, tails shifting to cover her body. “Night, Emilia.” Closing her eyes, she entered the Outer Body Technique.
Her aunt sat in her elegant white chair, smiling warmly as she opened her eyes. “What a precious memory you have; it is moments like that which makes living worthwhile.”
Sora stretched, yawning as she threw out her arms. Dropping back into the red chair that appeared behind her, she returned the smile. “Yeah, picking out clothes with Emilia was fun. So, what are we going to do tonight?”
“To be honest, very little,” Inari giggled. “You have used quite a bit of energy, and I know you’re mentally drained. However, before you close your eyes and really get some rest, I’d like to discuss a few things with you.”
“Really? I can actually get some real sleep? I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve willingly gone to bed. I’ve been knocked out, drugged, and passed out so many times … my life has been so crazy,” she groaned, rubbing her face with her hands.
“That it has,” her aunt chuckled, “and it will continue to be quite the journey.”
Sora let go of a long sigh. “Great—give it to me straight.” She mumbled, leaning back in her seat before playing with her tails.
“Oh, dear,” Inari giggled. “I’m not going to ruin all the possible futures. Me knowing many of the players and likely incidents won’t influence your decision; although, I do nudge away from certain … unsavory outcomes that might come your way, but even I have my limits. No, what I wish to discuss is your own recent decisions.”
“Have I been messing up?” Sora asked dully. “I feel like I’ve been making some poor decisions.”
“Yes, and no,” her aunt said with an understanding smile. “We all make our beds, and must live with that. What is currently bothering you?”
“Right now … what Liz and Alice were talking about. I can’t imagine being in their shoes … I’d even say it’s worse than me finding out I’m a Founder, gaining magic, and learning about all this stuff. They’ve been slaves all their lives to this unknown seal that goes back generations. Who knows how long this thing’s been going on?”
“Go on,” Inari’s tone was soft as she stroked her tails.
“Go on … hmm,” Sora looked down at the floor. “I’ve done something that could be seen as good or bad, haven’t I?”
“Consider it like the Garden of Eden,” Inari hummed thoughtfully. “In the story, Adam and Eve, or you could consider it, Liz and Alice were completely ignorant about the good and evil of the environment around them. A snake enters the garden, you, or Satan. Now, that’s not to say that you’re evil. Although, Satan as translated means enemy … that doesn’t tell you what kind of enemy it is. You could even say that Satan was a necessary evil that was planned by God.”
“Huh?” Sora mumbled. “I don’t get all the comparisons.”
“We must set the stage,” Inari giggled. “You can draw so many similes in every circumstance if you’re creative and intelligent enough to catch the underlying message of stories. Now the veracity of such stories is irrelevant, but what can be learned from them is priceless. Remember back; this Realm is the Garden, you are the snake, and these people are the innocent creatures therein. What was God’s commandment?”
“Eh,” Sora scratched her left fox ear. “If I remember right, it was not to eat that one tree that gave them knowledge, right? I never got that.”
“There’s more to it than that, and it was less of a commandment, and more of a warning,” Inari mused. “In the text, God says the moment they eat the fruit; they will surely die. Cause and Effect. That is very key in this story. Adam was very strict about following Order, but Eve succumbed to the Chaos, but why? Think about the text; when she says, is there no other way? There are hidden nuances in that statement.”
“No other way to do what?”
“Think carefully. Eating of the fruit was not the only commandment; the other commandment was, Do not partake of the fruit and multiply and replenish the Earth. They were innocent and knew not how to reproduce or what love genuinely was; after all, they knew not good nor evil. How could one know joy without sorrow? Two commandments with two branching possibilities that God foreknew.
“Eat, learn, multiply, and die, or live in ignorance for all time? There’s also the question, Can you sin when you do not know good and evil? Take this concept and attach it to this Realm. All of these Vulpes and humans were given a seal that prevented their very nature from manifesting, leaving them in ignorance. You come along, and you offer the deadly fruit of knowledge.
“Eve was not stupid; she understood something that Satan did not; God knew all things, and this was all within the plan, but it had to be their choice. Adam was stubborn, Eve was flexible, and Satan played the jester. Everything was planned to the T, and when you study the texts, it’s actually quite fascinating what the plan fully entails. It is no different here; however, this is what happens when a snake is not introduced.”
Sora’s brow creased as she tapped her lip with the back of her knuckle. “This is what happens when Order is sustained without Chaos? If there was no tree of good and evil?”
“Yes, but what is the consequence of good and evil? What did God do?”
“Wasn’t it make them mortal?”
“No, that’s what the tree did by providing good and evil, or suffering, good and bad, joy and pain. God said that working by the sweat of their brow was a blessing. Interesting, isn’t it? Tribulation and suffering, a blessing, but only the dense will not understand such a concept. Now, how does this connect to your worries?”
“Tribulation and suffering … I’m worried about Alice and Liz. Wait, you mean … they’re like Adam and Eve, their eyes are now open, and they must make their own decisions.”
“Hmm,” Inari extended a tail toward her. “They’ve already made their choice; they chose to partake of the fruit that you offered, and now they must deal with the consequences. You help where needed and asked, but they have their agency.”
“I see,” Sora muttered. “What I did wasn’t really bad, but I guess it wasn’t really good … it was just an action that will lead to a reaction. It will have both positive and negative results.”
“Such is life, Sora. Cause and effect are the foundation of our lives, and how you respond to it determines how far you go in life. There is no need to feel so much weight for opening their eyes. If they ask for help, then don’t turn them away, but don’t step on their agency and stunt their growth.”
“This is for me, too,” Sora swallowed. “It’s multi-layered.”
“All parables are, dear,” her aunt giggled. “We’ve only scratched the surface of that story alone. Enough of this, though; it is time for you to rest your body, spirit, and Intelligence.”
Feeling a little better about her recent decisions, Sora took a deep breath before her eyes lifted to her aunt’s stunning smile. “Thanks, Auntie.”
“Of course; now, off to bed with you.”
Closing her eyes, Sora released the Outer Body Technique. The soft sounds of the rain, wind, and creaking wood filtered back into focus. She sensed Emilia’s slight shifts in the bed next to hers. Scooting across her mattress, she snuggled up to her daughter; she was already asleep.
Man, she passed right out … it was a pretty big day for both of us, though.
It didn’t take long for her mind to drift off into oblivion.
Nice :3. "it was just an action that will lead to a reaction. It will have both positive and negative results." This was also very clear to me, but it's just something I never think about, just like many other lines you write in your story. Thanks for the chapter .
Author-sama, what would you say is fate? I recently got to the thought that it is just an accumulation of the actions everybody takes and the things that happen are then inevitable. Every single action changes the outcome greatly, or doesn't at all. Do you think this is a way to define fate? I don't even know anymore when or where I got to this thought, it might have been in your story again.
@IHadSoManyNames Sigh ... on tuesday I have some kind of presentation speech for a studying place or something. I don't really wanna study which I was applied for, but now I passed the prior test and now need to do some talking, which I don't like at all. Mainly because I don't have any experience with social interaction, so I just go quiet or talk the least possible. I just feel so uncomfortable. Once I thought I had severe social anxiety, but now I don't think thats quite it, it isn't that intense. It is rather, shyness and something like disgust or irritation because it feels so ... well, idk. In it's essence, I don't want to go there, but all the facts are telling me that it would be rational to do it, just to gain experience. And I've tried thinking about the things that would happen if I wouldn't go. I would mightily disappoint my parents and it would destroy the status quo, of not really talking about anything deep in my family. It's just like with my friends, being aquaintences but nothing more. I mean, I love my parents and all, but I don't know if I would cry at their funerals. No I surely would, since my whole world would literally break down. I don't really know how to do anything since I mostly stay at home and there really isn't any good reason for me to go outside if there isn't anything I really, really, really need. Now I have already f*cked it all up and talked about me not wanting to go there on tuesday. It didn't really cause anything much, they just said it was nervosity and all. That's right, but not really it. I'm not nervous right now, rather, I'm restless for some reason, I can't calm down. I really, really don't wanna go, it will be so uncomfortable and new and cringy and annoying and forcing me to talk I hate that. But you can't really live without talking. I mean society is kind of based upon communication, so I really wish I was born mute or something. That would have been nice. I would have been a burden to my parents, even more than now, but at least I wouldn't need to talk, thats a big-+, right? Yea it would be calming for my soul to never need to talk again. I would regret it later, for sure. There will be a moment where I would really want to talk, but then I couldn't and it would be the same mess all over again. In the end, I'm really just tired. Life is great and all, but it's not really for me. At least not a human life. I would love to be my family's cat. I wouldn't even mind if my life was shorter, at least I would be able to live easily and safely my whole life. A little sickness here and there maybe, but thats fine. It is inevitable. I'm so young now, I really wonder how I'm gonna survive. I really, really don't wanna go. My parents already told literally everyone we know about it, my fathers friend is gonna come over to give some tips, since he is kinda working in that department or for something similar, my "godmother" also knows about it. And it's taking a bit toll on my conscience that I'm even thinking about not going there. It would be the first big action I would take against things that were decided without me being able to really influence them. Some things need to be done and I know that someday I'm gonna have to do something similar, but I think it's just too early ... I really dont wanna go, but all the people that know of it will be disappointed and I don'T really wanna be hit from disappointment from all sides. I probably imagine many things into it as well and it all isnt such a big problem, but still. I'm not really agitated, right now either, just so bothered and just so restless. I might have some anxiety problems, but everyone has that sometimes. I just really wanna be free and unbothered by anything. It might sound weak, but thats what I want. Then when I am finally free and have nothing to do, I'm probably gonna kill myself sooner or later. Right now I'm still scared of the pain and all, but It's really, really, really bothersome. It's just so bothersome and tiring. It's nothing major for everyone else, but it's just so uncomfortable, bothering, tiring for me that I don't want it. I'm really gonna disappoint my parents. They really deserved a better son, but I really can't change anymore. It's partly their fault, but they are doing their best, it was me that didn't reach out earlier, now it's already such a mess. I really need to get going at some point, or I'm not gonna be able to survive and keep my life, I don't even really want. f*ck me lol.
Please overlook this, I'm just venting. It's too much text and too difficult and taxing to read, I wouldn't be motivated to read it. As always, love your story.
@IHadSoManyNames Lol, before I read the massive text block you put down I'll respond to this. haha. Fate is an interesting topic. Personally, if you're talking about a God standard, then I'd say that knowing something doesn't necessarily change it.
However, there are some interesting quantum theories revolving around this concept ... the simple act of observation 'appears' to actually have an effect on the quantum realm. Just some breakthrough theories that have in recent years been in the circle. It could be our misinterpretation of the data, but it could also be true ... needs further research.
That being said, cause and effect is something that is a fascinating topic. I've thought on this topic for some time and if you're looking at it from a grand perspective with an overseeing deity, whatever you believe that is, then you'd come up with three Grand Laws (Agency, Truth, Equity). Each of these words most don't really comprehend to that deep of a degree (I'd include myself in that observation, but I try).
Law of Agency: There always has to be an 'action' taken. This is the 'cause' that is a defining article of the universe. There must have been an action to cause a reaction, but something must be the acting cause or the start. How this even happened ... science can't tell us. What was there before the theoretical big bang? No clue. It's one of those currently unsolvable questions that would require a time machine.
One thing is for sure, we all have the ability to choose what to do and what not to do. It's one of the most fascinating things about humanity is that we can defy logic and instinct. We can reflect and choose something entirely contrary to what we'd or others would expect. It's this 'freedom' or 'agency' that really sets us apart from all other things.
Law of Truth: If there is such a thing as truth, then it has stumped many a man, but for me, the way I've been able to conceptualize it is that it is the set of protocols that govern a response. You must have an action to have a reaction or effect, and in turn, truth or an understanding/knowledge (both these words do not mean the same thing btw) to judge that off of or equity to be distributed ... balance.
Law of Equity: This is something that's a rather interesting topic because I don't believe in the remote possibility of there being Equality of Outcome ... it's just logically impossible. Equality of Opportunity, yes, Outcome, no. However, in most religious texts it is God that is the one to bring this, and it would need to be someone all-knowing to do something like that. I've seen many advocates of Equality of Outcome, but personally don't think they even know what they're talking about or advocating because it's not logically achievable and they couldn't explain how to do it if asked in the least.
Everyone is born unequal, it's a fact. Now, how you respond to that and try to move ahead will differ from person to person. You can let that bind you or rise above it. Just because you start behind or ahead of someone doesn't mean you'll stay there, you have agency. The reaction of your actions in this system will develop yourself based on the truth, in this manner, truth represents 'reality' or the state of what is, was, and will be.
Deeper truth I cannot know as the Aviator's song When Our Bodies Wash Ashore states. Aviators pull many of their lyrics from games and stories ... so there's real depth in them. I don't know if that answers your question how you intended, but what came to mind. This is all my own philosophical thought btw. Do with it what you will. =))
@AuthorSME Thanks for the answer. I can't say I understood everything in detail, but I can understand what you mean by it I think. The ability to reflect and do something nobody would expect. And the fact that the equality of outcome is not possible. Though I can't say I understood the Law of Truth. But I can see that everyone is born unequal and only one's own actions could change one's standpoint in the future.
@IHadSoManyNames We all go through times like this. My first thought is how much effort you're putting into the emptiness you want to feel. xD I had suicidal thoughts when I was in elementary school but started to grow more out of it in middle school. It really is exhausting just thinking of all the bad and terrible things rather ... I found that putting that energy into actually getting it over with helped me move past it. I was shocked by how much energy I wasted on not wanting to do something than just making a plan to do it. I didn't even start out trying to do it well, just get it over with. The mentality was an interesting experiment.
I've been fairly numb most of my life but found fascination gets me moving. When my little sister died I was numb, but I feel most of my emotion through music and then when a certain song came on ... it really really hit me and I cried for quite a bit in my car, pulling off to the side of the road. It was these two songs that hit me back to back on my playlist ... I have a massive music collection to feel different emotions, it helps me write.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfRielL3Q94
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mOrYMgjw9o
Music has been a massive part of my life ... my music talent sucks, but it has helped me understand so many things. Music really is magical. Just take things one step at a time, don't worry too much about the future and focus on what it is you'd need to do right now. Don't waste energy fighting what you don't want to do and shift it to what could make it better. =))
Tell me a bit about the topic and I can see if I can help.
@AuthorSME Hmm, well. I can't really say whether I truly want to die. I, myself, would say that I'm not suicidal, at least not anymore. Now it's just really a bother and various factors make it seem like a very rational decision. Like hitting two birds with one stone or something. It's just so bothersome that I just can't find a sufficient reason for it all. Yet I'm still here, because I can't really do it. Again there are various reasons for that, that I can't quite put into words. It just really came to be like this after the course of the last few years. At some point I was even happy to be special in this "depression" or whatever. Nowadays I think I was never really depressed, just lazy, but I don't really know.
As for tuesday. It's just a normal interview for a studying place. And my mind is constantly looking for reasons to somehow not have to go. But all reason is telling me that it's beneficial to go. But then I'm scared, though I'm not really scared, but I'm gonna be really scared on tuesday and I'm gonna be so embarassed and so nervous. Even though I don't want to do that kind of job at all, I think. I mean, how would I know, I never did this kind of job. I can't even imagine what it's gonna be like, but my mind is telling me it's gonna be a pain and I'm gonna have to communicate and I don't want to.
And it's really just going in circles.
But now, I teased my idea of not wanting to go to my parents the whole day, by sighing and stuff. And I was clearly uncommunicative and stuff, which I changed the last few weeks. I don't even know myself at all. I'm literally all over the place and I don't know anything.
Situations like these, where it's all bottled up occur every few years.
Just now I had a thought that maybe I don'T really feel all this. Maybe my feelings are something totally different, but I just can't see what.
Every few years or rather months I talk to someone. Anyone, really. Someone I don't know about all of my troubles. But then again, I don't know if this is really how I am feeling, but it seems to be how I am feeling.
Every few months I talk to someone and literally pour my heart out like this to get someone else's ideas about it, but never was there someone like you that actually answered so sincerely, at least I think you are answering sincerely and I trust you. Because you have written ATM.
Btw that first song is pretty nice, it's very calming.
Now I'm already lost on what I was gonna write. But generally I really don'T wanna be there on tuesday. I really just wanna live quietly. I don't need a great job, because it's gonna be a lot of work and troublesome and so much work. I only need a simple job where I don't really need to use my mind too much.
I only need enough for a two-room apartment or whatever with enough space for my bed and my pc. I don't plan on ever getting a girlfriend for various reasons as well. Mainly, probably, because I'm lacking self-confidence. I just really wanna see it all burn. Well, I just wanna have a little job without much trouble, a nice working environment, tasks that have clear rules and outlines that I can easily accomplish. Not too much time spent at work so I can still read and stuff. If there is nothing to read I will just sleep. And I hope that nothing much will change in my life in the future.
Getting someone besides my family into my life in terms of love is gonna be so troublesome. Betrayal and all will be something I need to look out for, though it's not really something of importance. Sometime in the past I wrote down something, but I can't really remember it ... I think it was something like this:
Your friends will inevitably leave you, your family will inevitably betray you and your lover will disappoint you.
I think I read this when I wrote down something on stoicism or something. I can't seem to find it anymore though, what a pain.
Yea, generally, I'm all over the place and it's all a bother and I hope that I'm not bothering you too much with this. But then again, I'm still kinda expecting an answer to be really honest. Or rather, I'm waiting for one. Sorry.
@AuthorSME Perhaps you know of "Aurora" a norwegian singer. She is pretty nice. I was once totally obsessed with her that I even bought her album. But my feelings in her music have already faded, just like always. I absolutely lose myself in music sometimes then I listen to only that for a short while and then, in a split-second lose all interest and feeling in it and then can't bear to listen again.
@AuthorSME I just really think it's too early for me to be in such an interview. f*ck I dont wanna go.
@IHadSoManyNames All in all, the thing about growing up is doing things you don't want to do. Life is going to put you in uncomfortable positions and that's how you grow. Not wanting to grow or blocking yourself from growth will make you unhappy. There's a reason why work actually brings happiness, even if you don't want to do it at the start. Just start, that's the first thing to doing anything. Starting is the key. Everything is a choice. If you choose something that makes you miserable, then that is still your choice and you still will deal with the circumstances. No matter how many excuses you make, it will all come back on your shoulders.
If you're living with your parents, then all the blessings and comforts you have that allow you to actually think about all this is because of their own success. If you wish to do something, anything, like reading or anything of the like, then you'll need to make sacrifices. That's what doing jobs and other things are is sacrificing. You're sacrificing someone else's time and effort by lazing around. It's not a harsh reflection on you, but a reality, cause and effect. Not doing something will have an effect, doing something will have an effect, the one thing you cannot do is not have an effect and not take an action as inaction is an action.
=)) life is tough.
@AuthorSME Yea I know I am wasting my parents efforts and time. It was clear to me all along. But how do I find out how to live?
@IHadSoManyNames You said challenges that are enjoyable, comprehensible and self-maintaining are giving happiness. You said happiness can't be the goal but only a byproduct. I think it makes sense. I need to change some fundamental things about my life if I want to change. Thats for sure. But I really don't know how to live. I'm just really all over the place and I don't know how to find order at all. How can I even defeat my desire to not grow up ...
@IHadSoManyNames The first step is to recognize you need help and then to seek someone that can help you. Talk to someone you know that can help you. We need people to rely on and keep us on a path. We need support. Talk to your parents or someone else about all the things you’ve been talking to me about. If you really want to change then you should fight past the discomfort of telling them because I know it would be uncomfortable.
@AuthorSME Yea I do need help that's for sure. But I'm not sure whether I'm ready at all yet. Like, I couldn't even bring all of this out of my mouth, it's only possible because it's in written form. But you are right ... and I'm gonna try telling them ... but not yet.
@IHadSoManyNames I think it will all work out in time; you have your whole life, but the sooner something is solved the sooner you can focus on greater things. I’m glad you enjoy my serials too.
@AuthorSME Thank you for answering me, I'm gonna try talking to them ... soon. Also I really do enjoy your stories since they get me to think which is good, they make me feel things too because it seems so real. So thanks for writing them, hopefully you can continue for a long, long time and someday even make this your real job if you want so you can write more, especially of ATM :P.
@IHadSoManyNames Hehe, I'll take that under advisement. ;-)
@AuthorSME When I get my own income someday, I'm surely gonna sub to your patreon to get that bonus stuff :P, if I'm still following your novel that is :P.
@IHadSoManyNames Hehe, hey, only follow it if you enjoy it. =))
@AuthorSME I do enjoy it and I can say it is one of the best, if not the best novel I have read till now. I surely haven't read much, but still I think it's really good. But since I don't know what the future holds at all, I can't be sure of whether I'm gonna be reading until the time I get my own money :P.
@AuthorSME Hmm. Well. I just came back from that appointment we were talking about if you can still remember it. I was so nervous all the days before it, but it actually wasn't such a big thing. Like really wasn't. But I think that's just because I wasn't really going there with getting the job in mind. Wow thats a nasty sentence. Well, you were right. Exposing yourself to the uncomfortable will make it easier in the future thats true. Just wanted to say thanks, I guess. Though I'm still gonna be hella nervous whenever I gotta do something like this again, especially if it means something to me.
@IHadSoManyNames Life gets easier and you become more callous toward things as you experience them. It’s got its ups and downs. Glad things are looking up! Look up exposure therapy on YouTube. It helps, but do it at your pace don’t rush it.
@AuthorSME Yes, thank you :P. I will try :).