I opened my eyes. Well, I tried to, but I couldn’t... find my eyes? Well this can’t be right. Yeah, why can’t I see? I thought as I opened my eyes and took in the beautiful green hillside I seemed to be on. Hey, how come you can see? I asked myself. Yeah, that is a seriously good question. Also a good question: why can I talk to you/me? Shouldn’t I just be feeling two things at once or something? Hell of a question sir. Hell of a good question. Maybe it’s something to do with experiencing timelessness while still inside of time? 

I stood up from the comfortable tree I’d awoken underneath. The comfy tree on a warm almost-summer day was a nice touch. Classy. Yeah, so far your setup is way better than mine. I laid back under the tree with my hands behind my head. Do you want to be two different people? That seems like it would make this a lot less confusing. Ooh, I like that. Sounds so much easier. Do you want to be not-blind me? Ha, we should probably figure that out. Hold on, first things first. 

I stood up. 

1. STOOD. UP.

And then I ran. Also jumped. Also did a few awkward cartwheels, a couple dozen jump-kicks, and a longer-than-one-might-expect session of crabwalking. It was glorious. 

Hahahaha, oh man. This is the best. How great is walking? Ooh, or standing up to pee!? I immediately urinated onto a nearby tree. Not the one I’d woken under, I’m a classy man after all. After a good hour of general frolicking, I gently stopped myself. Not to be ‘that guy’ or anything, but I kind of gained my own disability here. Do you mind if we work on that? Hey, I thought we were being two different people here, you could have totally worked on that while I was gamboling in the fields. And miss walking again? Hell no. I was being you too, no way I'm missing out on this. An excellent point me. Why thank you good sir. 

I tried all of the ways I could think of to open my eyes. I tried lifting my eye lids, I tried not letting my eyes be closed, I tried doing the opposite of blinking, but nothing worked. I even got metaphysical and tried opening my third eye, but I didn’t have any acid or lack of bathing, so that was another no go. 

Ok, let’s figure this out. What’s the number one thing people get when they are sent to another world? We answered at the same time. Status! Appraisal!  

Ooooh we both said at the same time as screens popped up in front of our eyes (or lack thereof.) 

When we saw the status page I had one thought burning through my mind. Didn’t we have a last name? Yeah, I’m like ninety-five percent sure that we did. Also that we do. It’s not like it somehow went away when we came over here. Oh, what if it did? What if our name symbolized our connection with the temporal world and now we’ve transcended mortal loves and hates and moved into a higher state of being? All I know is I love having this status. Ditto. Who says ditto anymore? I do. No you don’t, you can’t trick me; I’ve never heard either of me say that before. 

Our eyes, well, my eyes, since only I even had any, moved back to the status page Ooh, that’s exciting, I’m nineteen again. Do you know what this means? What I replied. Highschool arc! Well, college arc at least. The principle’s the same. 

I thought it over in amazement I... we can have a rivalry slash friendship with a haughty but goodhearted noble who’s secretly a prince or princess. We can find the Malfoy of the school and prank the shit out of him. Ahahahaha, this is going to be great! *Gasp* We can all get super worked up over the big tournament and struggle mightily to outdo everyone’s expectations but then get interrupted during the finale by an attack from an enemy force which has planned for this moment for decades, but somehow can’t beat a ragtag group of plot-armored teenagers! 

Oh man, that will be a fun one. By the way, why does your screen just say  

Good question, let me try again. After turning in every direction I could, which was basically none because I couldn’t seem to move for some reason, every appraisal had returned ‘dirt’. 

Well that’s weird. Bring up your status screen. I said Status. 

 Dude. I'm a dungeon!