“I should stop.” C12 said quickly, “I’m making you uncomfortable.”
“No! No no...” TO shook their head. Regardless of how they were feeling and how their ears were burning, they wanted to hear this story. “How… how did you and Snout end up as mates then?”
“You really want to know that?” C12 asked, their ears flicking forward in confusion.
“I… if you don’t mind talking about it?” TO said, “I mean, if you do- “
“No no… that’s fine.” C12 said, “Nobody has asked me before, that’s all.” A wry smile flicked across their face, “I didn’t expect to tell anyone this. The whole, ‘how did you two meet’ thing.”
“So... what happened?”
“Well, I ignored it for the longest time. I suppose that ignored is the wrong word. I agonized. I tried to ignore. I was well into my combat simulation training when I started to think that maybe it wasn’t going to go away. Ond one day I was feeling brave and I tried to… well, I made an attempt to let them know how I felt.”
“And?”
“Disaster. 79H89 was… well, they were disgusted.” C12’s ears flicked down, “I suppose I was standing too close to them, and they were disgusted, so they pushed me away. I fell, and they left.”
TO could imagine that happening to them. They could picture themself telling DH how they had been feeling, and what they had been thinking of. They could clearly imagine how it would feel if DH had done that to them.
Devastating.
“I got up. Ran off. Wanted to be alone. The simulation rooms were empty so I went there. A few minutes later this other synth comes in.” They shook their head, their ears tilting back as they smiled fondly, “Even then, as upset as I was, all I could think of was that this synth had the biggest snout I’ve ever seen.”
“Snout.”
“Yeah.” C12 said, their voice soft and almost dreamy. They had seemed suddenly far away as they fell silent for a moment before pulling themself back to the present. “Yes. It was Snout. They saw me get pushed down and came after me. Apparently they were worried about me. They had seen what happened, They weren't disgusted, but they did feel bad for me.” They gave a derisive snort, “Pity, I assumed.”
“Is that when you knew that you wanted to be Snout’s mate?”
“No, that’s when I wanted to be Snout’s friend,” C12 said seriously, “We were friends. Even before we were mates, we were even closer than just friends” they glanced at TO, “Like you and DH, I think.”
TO looked away, but didn’t say anything.
“After a while, I started to think about them like I had 79H89. This time I refused to tell them anything. I refused to act on it. We were actually in the last period of our training before we… discussed that. Snout wasn’t disgusted, as you can probably guess.”
“And then you knew you wanted them to be your mate?”
“I never had that thought, actually.” C12 said, “I knew I loved them. That I was in love with them. And it turned out that they felt the same. Like I said, I didn’t know anything about mates or pair bonding-”
“Pair bonding?” TO asked. C12 had mentioned that twice now, and TO wasn’t exactly sure what they meant, “I know some species pair bond for life… do we?”
C12 shrugged, “It feels like it. I don’t have the information to say for certain. There was just…” Their ears flicked back and flushed, “There was a moment when I felt like we were connected, if that makes sense. A moment when I knew I’d never love anyone else.”
“How did you know that?”
“I just did. They did too.”
“So… you just started thinking about them a lot?” TO asked.
They shrugged, “That’s how I knew. Or... I suppose that’s how part of me knew. Snout said it was the same for them later. There was this one moment early on when...I don’t know, it was like we just caught each other’s eyes, and that second just dragged on. I never forgot about it. After that, I started having thoughts.”
The moment C12 said that, TO felt their stomach drop. It had only been a moment, and they didn’t start thinking about things until a little while after, but they recalled the day after they had to go see their overseer. Hadn’t there been a moment like that? They had been in the showers, trying to talk to DH. They caught each other’s eyes. TO could remember it distinctly- like it was burned into their head. The split second before DH had pulled them into an embrace had seemed to drag on.
But they hadn’t started thinking about DH that way then… had they? Now that they thought of it, DH did start acting odd after that moment. TO wondered if they had been acting strangely around them without realizing it, and it bothered DH.
That would explain a lot, actually.
C12 held up a hand to their chest, “When I stopped panicking over it, I also had…” They frowned. “It’s stupid. I almost felt like there was something soft inside my chest when I thought about them.” they glanced up, “I never thought I’d tell anyone about this. I haven’t really thought about how to describe it. Never thought I’d bring any of this up after they were gone…”
“I’m sorry.” TO said softly, “I didn’t mean to make you sad.”
C12 stared at the little table for a few minutes, then looked up, “You didn’t.” They said, “I think it’s making me feel a little better.” they shook their head, “But… All this? I’m just one Synth. I’ve never discussed this with other synths. I’m only letting you hear this because you already know about Snout and I, and I trust you to keep this to yourself.” they narrowed their eyes, “This includes you keeping it from DH and GiDi. I don’t want this to be overheard-”
“I wasn’t going to tell them what we talked about.” TO said quickly. “I… I don’t think DH would like to know.”
“No?”
“No... I think they’re like 79H89.” TO muttered, “I think that stuff disgusts them.”
C12’s ears flicked forward in surprise, “Really?” they asked, “Are you sure?”
“I’ve seen that stuff discussed around them… They like romance shows, but I suppose when it comes to discussing romance between synths…”
C12 leaned back, “Well… you know them better than I do.” they said, “But I admit, I expected that you two would probably end up as mates some day. “
“I don’t think so.” TO said, their ears flicked down. But… if C12 thought that DH was interested in that kind of thing, if C12 saw something that they themself didn’t, was there a chance that they were wrong?
Their ears burned as they considered the possibilities. “Before you told Snout, how did you know they wouldn’t be disgusted?”
“Oh... Oh I didn’t. It was the last period before we were sent away. I realized that if I didn’t tell them then, I’d probably never tell them. I didn’t know if we’d be sent out together or not, so I took a chance and told them.” They looked at TO seriously, “I was absolutely terrified. There was every chance they could have done the same thing that 79H89 had done, and I didn’t know if I could take that.”
TO nodded and looked down at their food. They couldn’t do that, they were planning to go into space with DH, and if it went badly they’d be forced to be around DH in close quarters afterwards, suffering their disdain and disgust. “Did you end up going on your placement with Snout?”
C12 shook their head, “No… no something came up. I-” they frowned, “Well… our Overseers found out. We were separated. We were actually interviewed before we left the training center, and when you’re interviewed you can make an argument for someone to be sent off with. I made a great argument for why Snout and I should be placed together, but our files said that we were to be kept separated.”
“An Interview?” TO said, “You mean you can choose who you go with?”
“Well. no. You can make an argument. Overseers or Officers can place notes in your folder saying who they think you should be placed with and why.” they frowned at TO, “I was planning to recommend you and DH to be sent off together. Should I not?”
“NO! No no. Do that! No matter what, I want to be with DH! They’re my friend! My family! I promised them I’d find a way for us to have our placements together!”
“I see… well.” they sat back in their chair, “If that’s the case, then I have one piece of advice for you.”
“What’s that.”
“If you want to explore something with any synth, anything romantic, do it before you get sent off and keep it quiet. If there was a chance of you going on your placement with them, I’d say wait until you’re out of the training center. That’s best, honestly. Once you’re sent out you’re not watched as much; it’s considered a waste of resources. But if you’re being sent off with DH, and you’re positive that it wouldn’t work with them then you need to make your time in training count.”
“You said your Overseers caught you.” TO said, “You weren’t corrected for it?”
“Training was almost over. Snout was considered exceptional. I was good enough. They figured if they could keep us separated and it would be fine. I was very lucky to find Snout again, and by the time I did I was a Retiree and Snout was one of King Decon’s top researchers. We were protected. Everything just worked out in the end for us, but that doesn't always happen. Most of the time it doesn’t.”
“Right.” TO mumbled.
“Also...Make sure you know that DH wouldn’t be interested.”
“What?”
“I just think that if you’re wrong… if they would be interested, and you thought they wouldn’t…” They gave a sad little smile, “It seems almost tragic to me.”
======
TO didn’t know if they wanted to catch up with DH and GiDi before their meal time was over. They had finished their meal with C12 with time to spare, but they didn’t know if they wanted to see anyone quite yet.
They needed to think. They needed to be alone. Thankfully they could take their time as they wandered the halls back to the elevator to go back to the main floor; C12 had given them temporary access to the elevator so they didn’t need an escort for the moment.
The conversation with C12 had not gone the way they wanted it to. They had wanted C12 to give them something solid they could use to convince themselves that these thoughts that they were having were just a result of the obsessive way their mind tended to latch onto things they didn’t want to think about. They wanted C12 to tell them that if they were romantically interested in any other synth then they wouldn’t be so worried about it, and that they’d know for certain.
They got to the elevator, and slipped inside. When the door closed a feeling of safety and privacy came over them even though they knew that they were probably being watched and listened to. It was only because of that knowledge that they reached out and pressed the button to take them down to the main floor instead of just standing in the closed elevator to enjoy the sense of privacy.
They felt like they needed to figure this out. They needed to know. They needed to know what was actually in their head and heart, even if it wasn't good. Even if it was something that could ruin their friendship with DH.
They had to know, and then they could deal with it.
‘Let’s pretend that DH isn’t disgusted by all that.’ TO told themself, ‘let’s pretend that they just said that they think they feel the same way.’ they recalled how they had allowed themselves to enjoy the way their mind wandered yesterday when they were dazed from the special fruits they had eaten, and DH was scratching their head with their hands so close to their ears. ‘let’s pretend they told you then. Let’s pretend that they stroked your ears then. That they leaned over and kissed you.’ A moment of panic chilled them when this played out in their head, but TO pushed it aside with all their will. They knew it would come back but for the moment they had to focus and look at this, they needed to look at how they felt and see that it was nothing, to see that beyond the panic there were no warm, soft feelings in their chest.
They had the image in their head. They could almost feel DH’s hands on their ears. They pictured DH leaning down, pressing their snout against their head for just a moment before moving down and gently kissing them. They felt their ears flick back and burn vividly, and suddenly felt like they shouldn't be thinking about this in an elevator.
They wanted to keep imagining it. They wanted to keep it and hold it close to them. They wished that such a thing had happened.
They could feel like their chest was swelling.
‘Of course’ they said to themself, ‘when you were dazed from those fruits, you weren’t panicked, and you let yourself think about that stuff. You enjoyed it. You didn’t need to do this to get an answer, you already know the answer.’
TO suppressed a curse. They did know the answer.
They had to accept that at least in part, they wanted to be DH’s mate. Even if that was an impossibility, they had to accept that a part of them wanted that.
Maybe then they could deal with the problem.
