Rewriting
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I'm not happy with this so I'm rewriting it
I am not sure about the direction this took or the monologue, Do you like it?
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yes Votes: 26 38.2%
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no Votes: 2 2.9%
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meh, it's ok but could be better Votes: 40 58.8%
Total voters: 68 · This poll was closed on Jul 6, 2021 02:45 PM.
37
The parasite controlling the fat man is about to learn a valuable lesson, possibly it's last. Changing the numbers to fit the circumstances...give an enemy three choices they will inevitably choose the fourth!
@Deathangel, why the uncertainty? You've alluded to this so much that it had to be central to your story all along. Is it because you've revealed so much at once? I personally don't think you accelerated the plot, just the readers awareness of it. You'll probably get a lot of MEH votes because whether this is a good or bad thing will heavily rely on how you write the story from here.
Fight it Alice! Keep the good things in you that make you, you!
it's a bit early. I want a printed copy of this and in the statistics it shows its over 700 pages which is near the max most of the printers will do. It does include the polls and character sheets so I have a bit left. It's just close so I wanted to this arc to end but not at the expense of the story
@Deathangel At the risk of giving you bad advice I think you should write your story the way you think it should be told and divide up book 1 from 2 later rather than rushing it and trying to make it fit. Perhaps it's your perception of where the book should end that needs thinking on? Sorry I'm not a writer or publisher so I'm not sure that I can help.
A little off topic. I like the book cover and it's little details. The white dress is reminiscent of the silk sheet she flew home in, the gold trim reflects her divine origin and being bare foot portrays her humble beginnings.
If you're worried the monologue is going too long or revealing too much, you could have it broken up by Alice connecting the dots.
This, of course, works best when hints are being dropped throught previous chapters.
There was a lot to unpack in this chapter, I'm quite glad you're rewriting it.
I agree that there was a lot of confusion as to what the monologuing villain thought our MC was supposed to be and become. It's also unclear how or why this plan is actually playing out. Perhaps most importantly, I was totally unclear if any of these events tie into the truth behind the first world and the villains who entombed the MC within an alleged virtual reality game.
Thank you for all your hard work and I look forward to seeing what will come of this.
Is this in reference to chapter 68 or did you post and remove one that I missed?
You missed it
I want happy with it so I'm going to redo it... Well the last half. It's too rushed.
@Deathangel Well I look forward to it when you're happy with it. ^.^
Oh, I'm the only "no" vote right now? Yay.
Anyway, it's a soft no. It slightly edges out "meh, it's okay but could be better." The reason why is because the information in the monologue isn't all that clear to me. I'm unsure if Alice was a chain of light, meant to be a dungeon, a part of the king's (the KING king, or the god) army, or some combination of those things. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I'd like some changes to make it more clear/easier to understand.
I'm going to rewrite the while thing. Take this as hints of things to come
Honestly, it feels a bit rushed.
If I had to give a suggestion, I'd say that this is the part where you would want to show more, and tell less. As an example, rather than confronting the corrupt noble who proceeds to monologue, perhaps Alice instead catches up, he says something particularly vague before he "dies" (in appearance), and the manor crumbles before revealing a large pit in the middle of the city with the trapped evil god at the bottom .. or something that leads to him.
Again, that's just an example, but rather than monologueing at the reader for exposition, you can just throw the reader (and main character) into a situation that goes from "A medium hard operation to rescue a friend" to "Oh sh*t ...What have I walked into?"
Ya I'm not a big monologue fan i think I'll re write this
Tftc
Thanks for the chapter,
The villain needs to monologue so that the hero can cast the spells silently, and of course the prick is to high on evil juice to see any way for their defeat.
@Markos overconfidence does seem to be a bi-product of the evil juice :)
@Deathangel smite seems to be the best spell for evil aligned things, does she have other spells like smite, like an AOE smite.
Also an Angel of Mercy can technically be an angle of Death, I read it somewhere an angel of peace is also an angel of war, said angel doesn't fall from grace or anything, but is just doing god work, so basically a loop hole. So not a fallen.
@markos
hehe there is always a loophole...
@Deathangel while she is learning area of effect type spells she has yet to have any real time to complete it.
@Deathangel nice.
@markos When you think about it death is a form of mercy, you freeing a person from pain. Also an Angel of Death is not necessarily a Reaper, I more so believe the Angel of Death would be a guider of Souls and the one who judges souls. So I do not believe she would count as fallen here. In any case fallen is if she carries out actions in the name of evil, I think her stopping this event, even if she kills should not cause a fallen status.