Consultation 19.

“God, I don’t know what to do. I have a very serious problem.”

“A very serious problem, you say? What is it?”

My client seated across from me suddenly touted a very serious resolved face like she’d come to some sort of life-changing decision. When she opened her mouth, I narrowed my eyes in preparation for the grand reveal she’d pepped up, “I like apples, but don't know what to do with them. Please guide me, God.”

I almost stood up and walked out of the room, but I somehow miraculously settled myself down. My expectations had been completely shattered in an instant.

“Tch. What the hell? I actually thought this was something serious. Don’t get my hopes up for nothing.”

“What do you mean, God? This is very serious, it’s a matter of life and death for me.”

“Life and death, huh?” I said disinterestedly.

I took out an apple from my desk drawer and casually bit into it with the skin still on like a man of true culture.

Crunch.

Nom. Nom. Nom... 

“Peh.” I spit out the peel into the garbage bin at the side while carefully scrutinizing her minute reactions.

She was biting the nail on her index finger while entranced by the apple in my hand. “You want a bite?” I offered.

“Is it really okay?”

“Yeah. I’m curious as to how much you really like apples that you’re uncertain what to do with them.”

I handed the apple over to her. Her cheeks flushed red the instant the apple landed in the palm of her hand. She became a disorderly mess. Her eyes were drowning in some sort of unusual pleasure.

“I can’t hold back, I’m going to take a bite, okay?”

“Uh, yeah. Sure, go for it.”

She opened her mouth. She was salivating. I could see thick strings of saliva snap from the roof of her mouth and tongue. She extended her tongue out and licked the apple skin.

What the hell is wrong with you girl? Are you okay? It’s just an apple, right? An apple? I bit into that, didn’t I? If she’s become like this just from touching it, what will become of me who took a bite?

Will I turn into something depraved like her?

“Uh, I changed my mind, can you please return my apple?”

“No way, there are no take-backs. Hah… hah… hah...”

“Are you okay?”

“Perfectly... fine. Don’t... mind me.”

Her eyes were watery. Her lips were succulent and moist.

“Ah~”

“What the hell are you moaning for?”

“It’s… nothing. Hah… hah… hah...  It’s so good. This apple is really so good. I’ve only licked it once and I’m already like this. What do I do, God? I want this apple so bad.”

“If you want to eat it… just eat it.”

“But it needs to be a bit wetter first or I won’t be able to eat it all.”

“Hold the fuck up woman! What the hell are you planning to do with that apple!”

“Eat… it. Ah~ Ahhh~ AHHHHH~ Hah… hah… hah...”

My eyes started swimming. I felt like my ears were being violated and raped. But I couldn’t avert my eyes away from the scene. What the hell is with this shit?

She spun the apple around in the palm of her hand while leaving her saliva all over it.

“I want it all for myself, not just a single bite.”

“Uh… you can have it all. I don’t think I want it back anymore.” Not with your saliva all over it. Fucking weirdo. They’re all just a bunch of freaks.

She began to insert it into her mouth. She let her teeth nibble into the skin, but it didn’t go too far in. She was playing with it. Caressing it like a lover.

I broke out into a waterfall of sweat. I cupped my hands on top of the desk and spectated, maintaining the air of a cultured gentleman.

“Well, go on…”

She rotated the apple to where I’d bitten, then placed her lips onto the fleshy innards. She sucked and kissed it.

“Such a rich flavor. What a good boy ripe for the picking.”

I see the apple jokes are strong with this one.

Right when I thought she was about to finally eat it, my eyes opened wide in shock.

She removed the apple from her lips and lowered it. It went lower, and lower until it fell beneath the edge of the desk.

Where it went after that… only God knows.

The only thing I could tell you was she had a face drowning in ecstasy.

“Right there! Yes! YES! YES! SO GOOD~~~~! Oh~! It’s almost all the way in. To the deepest-”

“All the way in where? To the deepest what!”

“I’m eating it of course, where else would it be?”

“You… certainly have quite the odd way of eating things.”

I took in a deep breath before I slowly exhaled. My poor apple.

“Anyway, I think I get the gist of your problem.”

“What? How could you get the gist of it when I haven’t explained it?”

“Was what you just showed me not the problem?”

“No, this isn’t it at all?”

Huh? Wait, what? Then what was the point in me suffering through all this? Was it in vain?

“Then what is it?”

“You see, I want my lover to be more apple-like. But I don’t know what to do with apples to make that happen.”

“What… are you fucking kidding me?”

“I’m not. I’m one hundred percent serious.”

“I see. Haaaaah. Well, whatever. Here goes nothing.”

“How about you buy him some apple phones and shove them up his ass and jam them down his throat?”

“Oh, that’s a pretty good idea. I’ll consider that, but I’d also really like to incorporate the fruits themselves in some way.”

“Tch. I see.”

“How about peeling a munch of apples…”

“Oh? Now we’re talking. Then what?”

“Then… I think it’s best if I don’t say this.”

“Please God, I’m begging you, I need you to make this happen. It’s the one thing I want the most.”

“Haaah. Then, after you’ve peeled a bunch of apples, the next step is to skin your boyfriend alive. Piece by piece, sew on the apple skins onto his flesh. This way you can give him the exterior appearance of the apples you love so much.”

Her jaw dropped as her back straightened up, struck as if she’d received enlightenment from God. Well, she did after all. Got a problem? Bite me. I heard an unexpected crunch from below the desk. I didn’t bother to think too deeply into it. It was best not to think about it for the sake of my sanity.

“Well? You good? You got the answer you were seeking, right?”

“Yes, and it’s far beyond my realm of imagination. Gods and us mere mortals really do think differently.”

“Just shut up, get lost now, and never come back.” I don’t want to see or hear about the aftermath of the advice I’ve given her.

“Thank you very much for your teachings, God. I will ingrain them into my heart and always remember them.