Consultation 87.

“God, I want to become a Thing-esque entity and assimilate all humans. How do I accomplish this?”

“When you say ‘Thing,’ do you mean like the hand from the Addams family or the alien one that assumes the identity of its victims?”

“Oh, a hand? Now that you bring it up... that actually sounds like an even better idea. Let’s go with that. That’s exactly the sort of thing I want to become,” she confirmed with sparkles in her eyes.

“And… you want to assimilate all humans as a... hand?”

“Yes.”

What the actual fuck?

“And why exactly did you think it was a good idea to become nothing more than a hand?”

“You’re a God, yet you don’t even understand that?”

“It’s because I’m having a hard time understanding that I’m asking.”

“Fine, I’ll enlighten you God, it is because hands are the coolest, most amazing part of humans. Without our hands, humans wouldn’t be at the top of the food chain as we are today. We would have never been able to create the tools we crafted without the hands that let us forge them. We wouldn’t have been able to fight with such tools as effectively as we did if our hands never evolved to have opposable thumbs. As such, it can be said that hands are what give us humans our freedom. We got to where we are today because of the hard work we put in with our own hands.”

“Okay, I vaguely understand your fervor toward hands now, however, what’s with the part where you want to assimilate all humans as a hand?”

“It’s because humans are stagnant, disjointed, and ununified toward a single cause. Thus, I wish to turn humanity into a single unified hand that can grasp hold of their future. They may be separated as individual fingers with their own positions, but at the end of the day, they all are connected to the palm of that hand. Even if they are separated and have different ideals, when all is said and done, they must always remember they are part of the same hand striving for the same goal regardless of what angle they approach it from.”

“Those are some pretty words.”

“Hehehe. Why thank you.”

“And what’s the real reason?” Not falling for the flowery bullshit reason she provided, I asked her seriously.

She averted her eyes to the side and mumbled, “Because I want the world to do my biddings like mindless little sheep and headless chicken. Having a body is pretty exhausting, having to breathe or eat takes up way too much energy. But if I’m just a hand, I no longer need to bother with all those tedious things. I wouldn’t need to pay for anything. If I want to catch a ride I can easily sneak onto a bus or inside someone’s car. I could just perch myself on top of vehicles if I wanted and no one would even bat an eye. Even sneaking onto airplanes would be pretty easy as just a hand. But if I could control everyone, then I could be even lazier and everyone would willingly carry me around everywhere. I wouldn’t even need to move at that point.”

“I see. So you’re actually just a lazy degenerate who doesn’t want to breathe or eat because it consumes too much energy and you want everyone in the world to do everything for you. Is that correct?”

“Yes…”

“So that impassioned inspirational speech was all just a load of bullshit, right?”

“Yes…”

“Good. If it wasn’t, I’d have been very confused as to how such a non-defective waifu booked a consultation with me.”

“So... God... how do I become the greatest sloth-like existence known as Thing?”

Fuck if I know.

“Get a job.”

“And then what?”

“Work hard for a living.”

“And then?”

“Work your way up to the very top.”

“Uhuh.”

“Kill the bigshot CEO of the company.”

“What’s next?”

“Get busted and go to the highest security prison reserved for the most infamous killers in your world.”

“What do I do after I’m in prison?”

“You’ll understand what to do next when you’re there.”

“What? Come on, you can’t leave me hanging there. I need more than that.”

“Haaaaah. Fine.”

“Once you’re in that prison, you need to volunteer to take part in some inhumane human experiments that are only performed on prisoners who volunteer to take part in them to have their sentences reduced. They will inject you with a dangerous experimental drug they’re developing to create superhuman monsters. Once you’re injected with this drug, you’ll be transformed into a hand. But not just any hand, you’ll be turned into a hand that can turn anyone it touches into a slave. They will effectively become fingers that you can control at will. Once you’ve done that, you’re all set. As soon as someone touches you, they will become your slave.”

“You will be able to control five slaves in total. However, each slave can similarly touch another five people and in doing so they become slaves to your slave, but also slaves to you at the same time. The slaves of your slaves can do so to another five people. If each generation down the slave hierarchy reaches its maximum capacity, after fifteen generations down the slave chain, you will gain control of all humans across the globe. Everyone will be subject to your command. You will be the palm they are all attached to, while they will represent your five fingers.”

“With that, your objective is complete.”

“God, it sounds great and all, but... all of that sounds like a lot of work.”

“If you don’t want to do any work later, then get the work done early. The longer you put it off, the more work you’ll have to do in the long run. If you want to be a lazy bum for the rest of your life, sooner, rather than later, then do it now. If not, then fuck off and work your ass off as a slave for the entirety of your life..”

“Haaaaaah. Fine... I guess I’ll try to suck it up for now and find a way to get sent to that prison.”

She lazily slumped down in her chair until she was on the ground.

“Can you please hurry up and leave and stop messing around?”

“I’m too tired to stand up and walk. I’ve expended too much energy by remaining in an upright sitting posture for the entire consultation and talking so much. Can you give me a kick?”

“Tch. Good for nothing.” I stood up in annoyance, walked around the side of my desk, and opened the door. I started rolling her over onto her stomach to back to stomach again with one foot in the direction of the exit. 

Once she was outside, she said in a slovenly sloth-like manner, “Thank you for your assistance, God.”

“Whatever, good luck on your quest to become the laziest thing in existence.”

I shut the door in her face and prayed she wouldn’t have enough energy to return again in the future.