Consultation 95.
“God, I want to turn my husband’s dick into the largest in the world. How do I accomplish a grand feat of epic proportions like this?”
My jaw slackened a bit as I tried to think of a way with a blank expression on my face.
“That’s... all you want?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re sure that’s what you really want?”
“Definitely.”
Hah... I imagined cutting off the longest blue whale’s 16-foot penis and transplanting it onto her husband. His dick would almost be almost three times her height.
“Are you sure you will be able to fit all of it?”
“No matter the size, I’m sure I can find a way to handle it. In my books, the term ‘too long’ does not exist. It is my one talent after all.”
“You can… fit… 16...” My eyes scanned over her body from head to toe then back up.
“16? Just 16 inches is what you’re calling the world’s largest dick?”
“Uh… no... 16 feet.”
“Eh? 16… feet… even for me that is a bit... no, actually, I’ll do my best if that’s what it takes.”
“Do you mind me asking something unrelated?”
“What is it?”
“Are you capable of doing simple math?”
“Of course I am.”
“Then, what is 5-6 feet minus 16 feet?”
“That would be -10 to -11 feet. What about it?”
“Never mind.” I guess anal may still technically possible. The small intestine is 22 feet by itself. If she were to go that route she’d actually have plenty of room lengthwise to spare. As for width… it’s not my problem.
Though there do exist several problems, there wouldn’t be enough blood in his body to actually get it fully erect or even partially erect with that length. He’d just be a useless limp dick who can’t get it up. Sure, he’d have the tool, but not the fuel required to utilize it. His title of world’s longest dick would just be in name only. Even if he tried to get it up, he wouldn’t be able to stay conscious due to all the blood that would flow into it. This request actually has unexpected hidden complexities to it.
The path of the longest dick in the world is truly a long and winding one. Heh. Ehem. Ehem. That was rather immature of me.
“God, why’d you suddenly smirk just now?”
“I didn’t, that was just your imagination. Anyway, if you want your husband to have the world’s longest dick, you will first need to hunt down a blue whale. Once you’ve got one, you’ll need to use alchemy to transmute it onto your husband’s body to turn him into a chimera. However, just that is not enough. There exists a big problem in your way.”
“A problem? What sort of problem?”
“Once it is transmuted its structure will adapt to the host body meaning it will require blood to become erect. It will not be able to utilize the same bloodless mechanism the blue whale makes use of to get it erect. The problem here is the necessary blood required to get it up and also keep your husband conscious. You will need to hook him up to a lot of blood bags to fill it up. It also requires a large amount of energy just to pump all that blood through his body. He’d be burning fat like crazy to try and keep it erect. Anyway, to get around this problem, you will need to purchase or extract and store up enough blood bags in advance for whenever you want to fuck.”
“Just how much extra blood are we talking here?”
“Well, this will require a bit of math. The average human penis has a length of 13.10 cm and a girth diameter of 11.65 cm. The human penis is more cylindrical in shape and can be estimated as occupying an approximate volume of the length times pi times half the girth squared. This works out to about 1396 cubic cm. It is known that the average human penis requires 130 mL of blood to become erect.”
“Knowing all of this, we can deduce the required blood by finding the volume of space a whale’s penis takes up and scaling it by the ratio of the volume of space taken up by the whale’s penis to the human’s penis. A whale’s penis is more conical in shape so we will use a volume of a cone to make our estimates. A whale penis of length 16 feet works out to about 487.68 cm while the girth is 12 inches or 30.48 cm. Using the formula for the volume of a cone, it works out to about 118613 cubic cm.”
“Finally, by taking the ratio of the two, we can find our scaling factor to be about 85. Thus, multiplying the 130 mL for a human-size penis we find it requires approximately 11 L of extra blood. So that is about how much blood you’ll need to transfuse from blood bags anytime you want to have sex.” It was still much less than the amount of blood required to fill a bathtub.
“In case you were unable to grasp exactly how much that was, it means you require about twice the amount of blood a human has in their body to get it erect.”
“I see. That was quite the elaborate calculation. You seem to be quite the expert on dicks.”
Geh.
“I’m not an expert. I’m a God, so knowing small details like this is only natural.”
“But you had to go through all those calculations aloud before you arrived at the answer. If you knew all, then wouldn’t you have known the answer without calc-”
“Shut up. Of course I knew the answer before I calculated it, I just wanted you to understand the profound nature behind how you arrive at the answer. Tch. Ungrateful kid. Anyway, I answered your question, now please go away.”
“If you say so... Well then, I’ll be going to hunt me a blue whale now.“ When she got up and exited the room she glanced back once at me with an unconvinced look on her face.
When she left I buried my face in my hands.
So embarrassing! I’m not some sort of dick connoisseur, I swear. Don’t look at me like I’m you damn it!
You know, this is educational in a certain way.
A convoluted and f*cked up way, sure. but, still, educational.
I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, that something like this is teaching me things.
I want a waifu-fied Jamie Oliver asking how to make the perfect egg fried rice for his senpai Uncle Roger
Objection: She must also drive the blue whale species extinct, to make sure she got the largest one.
but... we don't have alchemy. <This should totally be a thing for one of the consultations when he says to use alchemy.
Just imagine she’s part of a universe that is similar to ours but where alchemy exists. With infinite universes that’s completely possible.
@KiraMinoru that's my consultation suggestion, instead of a question, it's a reply.
@ryannow Oh, I misread that.
I'm almost surprised he didn't just tell her to kill every other males in the world, ergo making her husband's the only living penis and therefore the largest.
She’d have to kill every animal in the process as well though. To do so would require making the entire planet uninhabitable to ensure that all the animals with larger d*cks are dead to truly guarantee he has the largest one. If she did that though, then they’d just die off too.
@KiraMinoru Hey, most degenerate answer rules.