Consultation 99.

I squinted my eyes and stared at the client seated directly across from me trying to figure out why the hell she of all people had booked a consultation with me.

“HEY GOD, GODDESS TILLY NEIGHS OF HALF-ASSED PRODUCTS HERE WITH MY BRAND NEW PRODUCT, THE VACATION BOT 1.0-”

In no mood  to entertain her, I immediately interrupted, “What the hell did you come here for?”

“What do you mean what did I come here for? I obviously came to sell you my new product.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No, I’m dead serious.”

“I provide shitty life counseling, I’m not here for you to book consultations to try and sell me your shitty products.”

“Now, now. I’ve heard your work is very stressful and I recently got a hold of a brand new product that I’m sure you of all people would die to get your hands on. The Vacation Bot 1.0 is a wondrous product never seen before until now.”

“Look, I really don’t give a shit what you’re trying to sell me.”

“Not even if it allows you to go on vacation?”

“Hah? It… allows me to go on vacation... what do you mean exactly?”

She pulled out a small box with a suspicious big red button on it.

“How the hell is this stupid little button supposed to let me go on vacation?”

“Trust me. It has the ability to do so.”

“You’re actually trying to scam me, right?”

“I’m not, I swear. If you don’t act fast you may never get another chance like this again you know. But wait! Act right now and you get 2 Vacation Bots for the price of one!”

“Cut the bull shit.”

“Sheesh. Not enough for you? Fine, I understand.”

“You do? Good, then please leave.”

“I understand that two obviously isn’t enough which is why if you act within the next 30 seconds you get not 1, not 2, but 4! Yes, you heard that right, 4 Vacation Bots for the price of 1!”

“Look, no matter how much-”

“I know you must be thinking this offer is too good to be true. You’re probably thinking with such a great deal it must still cost a hand and leg. But I tell you no! For the low price of 10 Godcoins, you can have all 4 of these Vacation Bots. But wait, it gets even better. When you act now and purchase it in 30 seconds you also get a 50% discount! Yes, 5 Godcoins, 5!”

“What! 5 Godcoins? For so little? Four of them at that? Shit…”

What if it’s for real? I was starting to get pulled in a bit.

“Even if you say that, there’s no way your product really works the way you say it does.”

“But it really does. It’s as simple as pressing this big red button. You will be able to go on vacation, it’s really that easy. You’ll never get such a good deal ever again. This is a limited time offer and only available for as long as supplies last. They will never come back into stock. EVER! Now, come, you know you want it. Just think about it, you can escape to the mortal world from the wife you were forced into a marriage with for a while.”

“Ugh. You serious?”

“Yeah, you don’t need to go through the normal processes so it will take some time before she can track you down. This product is a miracle worker.”

“But-”

“Still hesitating? Let me tell you, I’m already almost out of stock. Even while we’re talking supplies are depleting as other Gods are rushing to get their orders in. I’ve only got 60 left. Oh, wait, now it’s 40.”

“Hold on. I need some time to think about it.”

“16 left.

Damn it. What if it’s for real?

“12.”

But it’s still 5 Godcoins I worked my ass for. What if the product is defective? I mean it’s so cheap, right? There’s got to be something wrong with it. It’s clearly fishy.

“Only 8 remain.”

“Is there a money-back guarantee if it doesn’t work?”

“Nope. I’d suggest you decide quickly as I’m down to my last bundle.”

“Fuck, fine. I get it… I’ll take it.”

I sent her five Godcoins and she dropped the four ‘Vacation Bots’ on the desk. She immediately fled at full speed without looking back.

When I saw the four small boxes with red buttons on them, I sobered up and came to my senses. Damn it. How’d I get pressured into buying this junk? I definitely got scammed. There’s no way these shitty little things actually work.

I contemplated pressing one of the buttons to test it out, but I hesitated and couldn’t bring myself to immediately try it.

I mean, it would be nice to get some time away from Goddess Husbandos. I’m forced to see her every day after work ever since that stupid game show. Being forced to share the same bed with her has also really been getting under my skin lately. If I really could go on a vacation by just pressing this button, it would be a pretty great deal.

I’d contemplated for so long that I didn’t even realize when my next client entered the room. The instant I saw who it was, I knew deep in my heart that I’d definitely press the button at all costs to get as far away from them as possible.

When we locked eyes, I understood they’d fully read my intentions. She had a scary grin on her face, and it felt as if she was trying to tell me, ‘Press it if you dare.’