Consultation 100.

“Author... you came.”

The air in the room was frozen. We sat on opposite sides of the desk directly in front of us ready to pull the trigger.

“Yes... yes I did, young Godling. As promised, I have arrived for our... 100th consultation inspection.”.

“You… monster. Don’t think things will go the same way as our 50th consultation inspection, Author. This time, I’m more prepared than I ever have been in my entire life. You won’t be able to complain and bitch to me about any of your problems today, Author. I am resolved to stake my life on it.”

“Oh? Prepared? You mean those four pitiful little boxes in front of you, God? Do you really think you can illegally escape heaven with that little toy, The Vacation Bot 1.0, God?”

“Hah! Do you think you can really stop me now, Author?”

“Of course, God... for I... am... your Author. If I want to keep making you work yourself to death, do you really think you have any choice in the matter?”

“AUTHOOOOOOOR! GIVE ME LIBERTY, OR GIVE ME DEATH!”

“Shut up, you’re too damn loud. You’ll bother clients in consultations with other Gods you idiot.”

I shrunk back a bit in my chair with an awkward laugh, “Haha. Sorry, I kind of just wanted to try saying that line once.”

“Anyway, enough of your futile little resistance, God.”

“Never.”

“God, do you really dare to run off and secretly take a vacation without my permission?”

“Yes, I’ve made up my mind. You... can’t stop me now, Author. With The Vacation Bot 1.0 in hand, I no longer need to fear your tyrannical forced overtime hours!” I had my finger on the button ready to press it at any moment. Author and I silently stared into each other’s eyes, the tension in the air was at an all-time high, we both understood the first to make a move would be the victor in this epic confrontation between boss and subordinate. She could easily tell I was dead serious.

“God, do you have any idea what could happen if you press that button?”

“What could possibly happen? In the worst case, it would just be proven to be a defective knock off good that does nothing, right?”

“But if it really works, you could very well disrupt or destroy the entire space-time continuum in heaven, you fool.”

“Even if that were to happen, my vacation is worth far more to me than some stupid space-time continuum in heaven, Author.”

“Blasphemy! This is treason against the heavens, God! I will not allow this. You must forever be damned as an eternal slave who provides consultations to the infinite supply of defective washed-up waifus. God, thou shalt not pass!”

“Author!”

“I am the servant of the Secret Eaders, wielder of the Flame of Writers..."

“Eh? Uh, Author, what? Did you snap?”

She ignored me and continued, “The dark fire will not avail you! Flame of Slavory!"

“Flame of what now?” When a strange flame appeared in Author’s hand I instinctively felt fear. 

"Get back to work!" She tossed out the flame.

I immediately went to press the button, fearful of whatever that flame was supposed to be, but I was a second too slow. The flame engulfed the button in my hand. I wasn’t able to fully press it before it was incinerated. I had lost one Vacation Bot in this exchange, but I still had three remaining. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to escape, so I picked up two Vacations Bots from my desk and dual-wielded them, one in each hand.

“God, did you not hear me the first time? I said thou shalt not pass!" 

Another ball of flames flew toward my hands, but this time I’d reacted much faster. I’d already preemptively teleported the button above her head upside down and bent light so it only appeared as though it was still in my hand. It seems she hadn’t caught on. This time I managed to press the button still in my hand all the way. The instant I did, a trap door beneath my feet unexpectedly opened up.

“Eh? What the hell?”

I started falling and narrowly dodged the ball of flame Author shot at me.

“GOOOOOOOD!” As I fell, Author screamed out my name in rage. A trap door had similarly opened up beneath her when the button landed upside down on top of her head. It seems this round had gone to me.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” 

Eh? What the hell? That voice wasn’t Author. If I didn’t mishear just now, that voice was definitely... 

In my confusion, I looked over to the door just in time to catch a glimpse of the frantic Goddess Husbandos holding her hand out dramatically toward me from the open door an instant before my eyes passed below ground level. 

Phew. I let out a sigh of relief as I dodged a bullet there. That was a close call. It would defeat the purpose of this vacation if she came with me.

Wait, shit! God damn it! There’s still one more button on my desk! I forgot to take it with me! Before I had the chance to collect it, the back of my head hit hard against a protrusion in the wall on the way down and I was knocked out cold.